how EXACTLY do you stop the manipulation from SD?
Forums:
i read and read on the posts that there are a lot of us dealing with very smart manipulative SD's. mine is 12, and that seems to be a particularly difficult age from what i find in the site. my SD is very cold, and she calculates every move, she does not talk much but she is very passive agressive and in a lot of aspects plain dangerous. (false accusations, power games, etc)
can you share what worked for you to stop the alpha female war, and the power games?
a friend of mine told me the other day "if i were you i would run before she accused me of assault and i end up in jail"...that made me think....
sahre your wisdom, please...
Always keep your temper with
Always keep your temper with her when you are around anyone but SD alone. She sounds like the type who remains calm and accuses. People will believe her if you get upset or lose your temper. Try NOT to be alone with her.
I completely ignored SD when
I completely ignored SD when she at her worst. Like she wasn't even there. It pissed off SO but I didn't care. If he was going to let her act like that, he could deal with it. I dont have to..
sD would compete with me for her fathers attention. I stopped interacting much with him when she was visiting so she had nothing to work with
What exactly is she doing? Be
What exactly is she doing? Be specific.
You have ONE GREAT friend!
You have ONE GREAT friend! lol I would have to agree!
I switched off any and all
I switched off any and all buttons I knew she could push, some I was not even aware of my own self! I was of no further use to her, since I would not indulge her in her power games so she moved on to some other sucker! I also disengaged from the two younger SKids, referred them to their dad for decisions and I would not babysit slumber parties etc. iether! DH saw for himself what I was dealing with, he woke up pretty quickly and dished out some tough love to them both.
Getting drawn into what they call 'a pissing contest' with a child is letting them get the better of you, they do it just for fun! Once you are no fun any more they move on...or they grow up and out of it. If SD said something particularly nasty I'd pretend I did not hear and ask her to repeat herself, if she said the same thing again I'd tell her 'I'm sorry you feel that way.' She gave up!
the advice that it received
the advice that it received has to do with passive response...like ignore, or become invisible, or non reactive...i see that value in it and i do a fair amount of that but the line between push over/door mat and being a budhist monk is fine sometimes
im looking for advice on reactions that are affective in showing her that she has no right to treat me like that.
examples are many, from inocent eye rolling responses (normal of a pree teen) to more sofisticated things like false accuse me of things, etc
here is a super simple example (of more inocent ones):
she comes back from school, im working from home, she storms in, slams the front door, walks right by me, does not answer to my "hi" and storms to her room and turns the music up.
if this happens one time i guess it is not a big deal, but it is not acceptable to just let it go...why do i need to accept this simple disrespact in my own house? my own child would not be allowed, nobody would be ok with it...this girl manages to turn the energy of the house sour when the attitude is always that way.
so, in that simple example, how would you react?...let me tell you that the talks about respect are not working....we can go to more complex situations if you wish LOL
Well I've dealt with the eye
Well I've dealt with the eye rolling, the dirty looks, the her pushing her way in between me and her daaaaaad. The ignore when I say hi. All I can say for my situation and my SD's personality is that when I reacted it got worse. Her negative behavior escalated. So I actually didn't find it helpful to react. In my situation, she only acts better when I pretend she isn't there. For the last 2 weekends she has been so much less antagonistic and speaks to me much more respectfully. I've gotten to the point where if she doesn't say hi to me (I don't say hi first anymore) I don't pay any attention. if she does, I say hello back. If she talks to me to ask me something, I simply answer and move on with what I'm doing.
Sorry, I can't be more helpful with the reactive advice. It just never worked for me.
When my BD pulled an attitude
When my BD pulled an attitude like that one time (and turned up the music so she couldn't hear me), I went and flipped the circuit breaker to her room! }:) Since I paid for the electricity, she learned pretty quick not to cross me.
Like that one!!
Like that one!!
alwaysanxious, you always
alwaysanxious, you always give good advice, i was happy to see that you responded. thank you.
i DO see what you talk about" the ignoring"...i do do it a lot...but i guess i need to let go more. im a bit of a respect freak...and i have a hard time with simply looking the other way with all the little disrescpect of a regular day...and I think what bugs me the most is that this girl sets the pace/mood of the house...THAT is what gets me...this is a typical conversation in my house
me and hubby coming back from the store....
me: hi guys how r u?
BS: hi mom, what did you get?
SD: mmmhh
me: what are you doing?
SD: getting out of here and going to my room, why?
me: ohh, ok
SD leaves, stomp stomp, SLAM!!!
BS: yeah mom, she is not in a good mood, just be aware, she answered me badly a lot...
so, then the family is "aware"...and one way or another we are "depending" on her mood...whatch out, she si upset, watch out, she will not like that...
EXCUSE ME!?!?!?!!?!?!? she is 12 mean and manipulative girl and i don't want her heavy/dark energy ruling my house!
see what i mean???
if this would be my kid, my response would be: "hey girl, stop right there, that was not OK...it seems like you dont want to be part of the family right now, but there will not be door slamming, and loud music or long faces, we dont need them, want them or deserve them. grab the dog, take her around the neighborhood loop until you feel like you can treat us decently, then come back "
BUT, im not the parent, bla bla bla so i have to say "ohhh, ok" and move on...
sorry, i guess it is not easy for me
thanks for the advice
I completely understand.
I completely understand. Actually my SO is moody and he can set the tone sometimes. I have had to do A LOT of work to remain consistent no matter what anyone else's mood is. This includes SD. Sometimes she's pleasant sometimes she's a huge bitch. I finally just decided that my interactions with her do not depend on her. They depend on me. I maintain minimal interaction with her no matter what her behavior or mood. I can tell SO just thinks I should fall all over myself when SD starts acting right again, but I don't. She gets the same treatment no matter what. Otherwise, she is manipulating me.
The thing that really makes me mad is when someone else controls how I do things and how I behave. When someone things I'm supposed to tip toe around them just because they are pissy. I cannot stand being extra nice to someone because they are being shitty to you. You don't set the tone for me, I set my own tone. AND you do it long enough then I will cut you off permanently.
Do I ever ask SD how she's doing anymore? Nope. I wait for her to say hello and I respond in kind. I always respond in kind when its pleasant. When its unpleasant I don't do anything different because I don't interact with her anyway. It is so very hard to just let go. I had a huge issue with this. I realized she was bringing me in to her game though when I didn't let go. I refuse to play her game. She has to be around me on MY terms. Not hers.
I hope this makes sense. If they were our kids, they wouldn't act like this to begin with.
wow. I'm glad I'm not the
wow. I'm glad I'm not the only one. I have 2 grown kids in their 20's so becoming a step-mom, I thought would be similar...hahahaha - not a chance. Got married 4 years ago when SD just turned 9. Her complaining in our limo the whole way to the reception (should have just been me & hubby I guess) was just the introduction to what was to come. She is now 13 (she is an only child for her BM) and I started xanax about a year ago because of no boundaries as her dad doesn't want any confrontation. No chores, no responsibilities at all, and DH's not wanting to talk to bio mom about certain subjects just tenses me up. Her mom just got her an iphone...an IPHONE!! (she's always had some phone since I've known her) I get so upset I want to spit (my mom used to say that too ) She wears VS bomb bras, wears a LOT makeup to mimic "Twilight" stars, and is not doing well in school at all (3 C's, 1 D this last report card) and getting her an iphone will try to encourage her? Her 1 teacher says she doesn't pay attention (dah?! why should she? she gets everything she wants WHEN she wants it. Last month when she asked her mom for it, her mom said "do you know how much those things are?" and when at our house, we 'sided' with what her mom said, trying to explain it's a very expensive monthly charge etc., etc.
SD gladly shares what R-rated movies they watch together (her mom lives w/ her bf) . All the "Hangover" movies, "Death at a funeral" - she threw that in my face because when she asked for us to see it, I told her it was rated R and not appropriate. Last year, her mom called her while she was at our house (all weekends) to tell her they got a 3-D tv. C'mon, let her dad enjoy being with her for the weekend before you call & she wants to go home NOW for the biggest/best/newest this or that. I am frustrated that I have no say in her raising (I can't even tell her to wash her hands before eating).
A friend recently told me to ignore everything...EVERYTHING. So, I talk to DH and as SD comes close so I can look at her, I don't...I can't - she has so much crud on her face I shutter. I now take Xanax also....I never had these issues w/ my 25yo daughter - she was a sports bra and no makeup no frills kid that I had boundaries for. I need an outlet and right now am thankful to see I am not alone....thanks for letting me vent.
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