Dealing with so many ex-issues - Help a new SM out!
I'm a new SM to 2 boys 50/50. The kids are manageable so far. They have some issues for sure but they are just kids learning to grow up and adjusting to a new person in the household. To their credit they have been open and mostly welcoming, with just a few small bumps in the road.
The issues I'm struggling with are:
Poor Boundaries with the Ex
My partner's ex-wife is constantly in contact with him. Multiple emails/texts/phone calls every day. I find this incredibly instrusive and unneccesary. She even moved closer to us, despite claiming to have PTSD from him.
I've asked friends who co-parent how frequently they communcate with thier ex and it was usually weekly or twice a week if something extra was happening.
I've tried to talk about this with my partner, how it feels like she's living in the house half the time. He is wary of asking her to stop as she has pulled some serious nonsense in the past (false police reports, wild accusations, inappropriate sharing with his other son, etc...) and we are still waiting on the final custody paperwork to be signed. Until then, it feels like we have to dance to her tune and she is loving it. On the one hand I am resentful that he is allowing this to continue but I can understand his position of just wanting the legal paperwork signed before he can say anything.
Do I bring this up with him again, knowing he's in a tight spot and feels helpless and frustrated by my feelings? I'm so worried that it won't improve after the paperwork and I have that ugly lttle voice whispering in my ear "he likes being in close contact with her still"
Controlling Ex in denial of my existence
I have been living with my partner for 8 months and we've been together for 16 months. While our relationship and living arrangements are new, I am not his first post-divorce relationship so she's been through this before. I live with her children and she's never met me. Granted, I do not want to have a relationship with her but it's so bizarre that she won't even put a face to a name, given that I'm in her children's lives in a significant way.
The latest issue she has is that I've been picking up one of the kids from school 1 or 2 times a week. I drive right by his school on my way home from work and if my partner isn't close by (we live in a rural area), it makes more sense for me to do it. I like picking him up and SS seems happy with the arrangment too. Now she has an issue with this. From my perspective this is an arrangment that works for my family and doesn't affect her in any way so it's just about continuing to press for control over what happens/diminish me.
How do I assert myself here? I've been excluded from events too. My younger SS has asked me point blank "Why didn't you come to X event?" And it hurt so much to have to tell him I wasn't invited. I'm not "allowed" because it might make your mother uncomfortable and I guess her feelings are a higher priority than mine? I'm just so confused about what my place is and when to back away and when to inisist.
My partner has always been suppportive and inclusive except when it comes to her. He is so fearful of what kind of vindictive harm she might do.
The tone of communication
I have seen some messages between them (that he's shared with me) and the tone is still highly emotional and fraught. They have been apart 5 years now (almost as long as they were together) and I find this unsettling. I've never been divorced so I'm not speaking from experience but....shouldn't it be somewhat resolved by now?? He is definitely more abrupt but she sends the longest, most involved messages, and regularly reminds him of the divorce and how awful he is and how much a victim she is.
I need reassurance from him but I also don't want to bring up this painful subject often as I know the divorce and custody fight was extremeley stressfull and difficult for him.
I guess my question is how much can I push and assert my needs while keeping his/kids needs in mind? At what point can I insist that the communication be scaled back and be limited to logistics/schooling for the kids? And even if the communicaton is primarily about the kids (middle school age), does it have to be so frequent?? It seems like they are trying to parent together in separate homes and not co-parent separately. The main reason they split was they couldn't parent together in the first place!
The rest is starting to feel way too much like I'm in a shared spouse situation and I'm stressed!! And how do I just let go of her issues (denying I exist, trying to control what happens in our house) and not take that on too, ontop of adjusting to living in a new house with a new partern and learning to step-parent?
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Comments
I suggest that he asks for
I suggest that he asks for exclusive use of Our Family Wizard for communication to be court ordered. It will seriously slow down her interference. Check it out.
Thank you for the suggestion.
Thank you for the suggestion.
It sounds like BM isn't over
It sounds like BM isn't over the divorce and it sounds like she is high conflict. You will have difficulty with this one as many of us do on this site. The first problem is your DH. He needs boundaries and he needs them yesterday. Waiting for the legal paperwork isn't the answer. My DH was abused by our BM for 6 years before he finally took action and taking action made everything so much better. It taught BM that DH couldn't be abused and would not tolerate her games. It isnt easy, takes time, and it comes with a lot of push back from BM, but it is necessary.
1.) DH needs to inform BM in writing that he will only communicate via email from now on and that all emails will be answered within 24 hours of receipt. Any texts/calls/smoke signals will go ignored and unanswered. ONLY COMMUNICATE VIA EMAIL ESPECIALLY IF BM HAS A HISTORY OF FALSE ALLEGATIONS.
2.) BM does not have to meet you. It may seem odd since you are involved in her kids' lives, but it isnt a requirement. Don't push this issue. BM cannot bar you from events, but she can bar you from picking SS up if she has sole custody. If she does and this is important to you and DH, have a clause added to the CO that third parties are able to pick kids up from school/extracurriculars. If she and DH have joint custody, then DH needs to notify the school that you are authorized for pick up. If BM makes a stink, DH needs to remind her of their joint custody. Attend the events and don't let BM stop you. Legally, she can't, but again, this involves DH having to have a backbone and forcing your presence at events, despite BM's potential meltdown.
3.) DH needs to only communicate about the children. BM can bring up anything she wants via email, including how awful DH is and how terrible the divorce was. It all goes back to how DH responds. If BM emails a page all about the divorce, ignore it. If BM sends an email about skids' school/sports/medical, but at the bottom includes a few sentences about how terrible DH is, only acknowledge the information about the school/sports/medical stuff and ignore the rest. All email responses should be following the BIFF method (you can Google it) and replies should not exceed two to three sentences in length unless absolutely necessary. Think business email when communicating with BM. I think trying this method of communication will reduce BM's desire to communicate because she will know she can't get a reaction out of DH.
4.) You and DH need to arm yourselves with knowledge. Research BIFF method communication, communicating with high conflict individuals, parallel parenting, and narcissism. The more you can equip yourselves, the better you can play BM's game.
He has told her that they
He has told her that they should stick to email but she disregards it. Maybe she just finds the phone more convenient and I'm being paranoid.
The custody is 50/50 so she doesn't have the custodial rights. I just can't see any reason to object to the pick up other than to be difficult. From my perspective her only concerns there should be: 1. Is SS comfortable with this arrangement (he is) and 2. Am I a safe & responsible driver (I am)
I feel like my partner is the one who excluded me from the event as it was up to him to invite me. We discussed it and he said that he knows I don't like her and didn't want me to feel awkward. I suppose I see his point but I worked in retail for years and my "pleasant poker face" is definitely up to the challenge of meeting the ex.
thank you for suggesting BIFF. I like this tactic.
You're not paranoid. These
You're not paranoid. These types don't like to put their crazy in writing, and they prefer the soothing sound of DH's voice coddling them. Once the paperwork is signed, he should stop answering the phone. He should email her and remind her that he requested email communication, text only in an emergency. Then he should take as long as possible to answer, and only if it's important.
How long until the paperwork
How long until the paperwork is signed?
You are correct that this is not a healthy dynamic. My DH and I don't talk multiple times per day and we have a good relationship.
The issues you describe are very common for SPs on this sight and many of us have a lot of advice for you, but I can tell you she will go apesh!t when DH starts to implement boundaries.
In any case, he absolutely cannot be alone with BM. Given the opportunity, she will accuse him of assaulting her.
The paperwork should be
The paperwork should be signed within the next few weeks. I'm so anxious that nothing will change, despite his reassurances.
This unhealthy dynamic was part of what ended his first post-divorce relationship so I'm hoping to make him see the issue.
thanks for the thoughtful reply.
Depends on your partner
It depends if your partner is on board. In my opinion your partner should send her an email worded very business-like saying that communication between them should be limited to essential topics only such as any change to planned contact dates/times, if any child is ill or injured or involved in any incident. He just shouldn't respond to any communication that isn't essential. The majority of communication should be done through email and worded professionally, clear and to the point. Maybe not in email but he should also make clear that what happens during his contact time isn't really anything to do with her, this includes you or anyone else the children see/visit, any house rules or what the kids get up to. Obviously the kids can tell her themselves but it shouldn't need a conversation between your partner and his ex, as I assume both are fit parents able to make judgement on what is appropriate for the children.
if your partner isn't willing to do this then chances are it will never change. It doesn't matter if this is the way things have always been, he can change it at any time (especially if it's intrusive), but i think he should document that he's requesting a change. At the end of the day it shouldn't need you to get involved other than speaking to your partner about how you feel and being by his side while he gets his paperwork sorted. You don't need to have anything to do with his ex unless you choose to.
I agree that it can be
I agree that it can be changed and the change should come from him.
I've dealt with what you
I've dealt with what you describe. Things have changed but only after years of me bitching, crying, screaming, etc. If i could do it again i would calmly state my issues once, in no uncertain terms, then the ball would be in his court. If i felt that he was doing it just to please me but he really wanted things to stay the same, for me to assume some sister-wife role, or if i caught him "sneaking" excessive communication and hiding it from me, i would calmly distance myself instead of, you know, the crying and all that. He has to want what you want (to be in a couple, not a threesome, and to not be his ex's b!tch out of fear.) It has to be as important to him as it is to you or you will be in the role of relationship police. Trust me, it's no fun.
I'm really hoping to avoid
I'm really hoping to avoid the crying & screaming part. Lol.
I think I'm going to have to patient and play the long game.
Throw him back to his ex and
Throw him back to his ex and run away.
This is a DH problem. Nothing
This is a DH problem. Nothing at all sexy about a man's ex carrying his balls in her purse. He's not ready for a relationship yet, he's still married to the ex. Do yourself a favor, move on.
Your partner is the problem
Your partner is the problem for not setting boundaries, save yourself allot of stress and end this relationship and move on.
or accept that your partner's ex will always take priority over you
I agree about the boundaries!
I agree about the boundaries!
Your boyfriend can fix this
Your boyfriend can fix this IF He wanted to.
*sorry, not sure if you are married or not* Are you married?
No, not married but I feel
No, not married but I feel too old to say "boyfriend" so I'm stuck using "partner" (which I hate) for now.
I'm curious
Who is it who decides that you are not allowed to go to events? Why isn't he introducing you to his family (kids included, ex excluded) and giving you an important role in his life? Why is he treating you like a dirty little secret as far as his kids are concerned. Why does he seem to be ashamed for them to be at events with you? (Thee are all questions for him.) Does he realize that he's laying the groundwork for you being accused of being the other woman and breaking up their family?
Bottom line: you don't have to dance to her tune. Your bf just has to set boundaries about communication. It should only be about the kids, nothing else. There is also no reason for him to play the lapdog for her. How far is he willing to go to keep the peace? He's already treating you like a bit on the side when he goes to all the happy family nonsense, ask him if he's willing to sleep with her to keep her happy too...