Looking for opinions... Combining families and realistic expectations...
For once I am not posting a "venting" thread, I just want to get some varied opinions on this.
My fiancee and I had a convo last night. IMHO we have been VERY accommodating for our kids (S17,D19,D21)in regards to our relationship. We wanted to let them finish school, get jobs, etc etc. In my experience, MUCH more accommodating than many couple in our situation and deff more-so than my parents ever were when I grew up.
So we are coming to the point that we would like to move in together, being that we have been engaged for 2 YEARS and dating for 3.5. This summer all kids will be 18+, some in school, some working etc so the possibility is there that at least one, and probably two will still be around when it comes time for us to move in together.
So her angle is that we probably should NOT move in together until one or both kids are fully out on their own (and we ALL know how kids can need to come back sometimes). She says that her concern is that because all our kids are opinionated and a bit spoiled, that if we try to move them in together that they will fight, or we will get annoyed by each others kids and we will fight or some combination thereof.
My counter to that is that, as ADULTS, we should be able to sit them down and tell them "We expect you to control your mouth and HELP, do your part of the work, have a job or continue in school and such. If you are in a bad mood or whatever, FAKE IT or leave the common area if you can't be happy and get along so you don't make everybody miserable. If you CANNOT, or CHOOSE not to do this, then you will not be moving with us and you are free to make other living arrangements."
I have NO problem telling my son this and already have told him that if he didn't think he would be able to help work around the house then he would have the option to live with his grandmother"
So my inquiry is, what is the HEALTHY boundary for expecting a young adult to "Get with the program or hit the road" vs. "Not abandoning them and leaving them behind as we move on"?
Agree with goforit. If you
Agree with goforit. If you think there are problems now, wait until you are living with them every day. It definitely sounds like your fiancee is not ready to place the partnership as her primary focus. Until she can to do this she is not ready to be a supportive wife or SO. Moving in together will give you a good indication of whether the 'blending' will work out but I see your finacee's point. It might be a lot easier if you do not have to deal with SD every day.
It is admirable to help a young person who has a desire to be a productive, resposible adult. It is another thing to serve as an enabler for someone has no ambition and is irresponsible. But I've noticed that some parents seem to have 'filters' when it comes to the way they view thier child vs. the way everyone else does. These 'filters' are responsible for a parent seeing their child as depressed rather than lazy because they sleep until 2 in the afternoon. Or as playful bantering rather than sadistic rudeness. A good partner has to be willing to drop the filters.
You have to be on the same page. I have to honestly tell you if I had raised children on my own I would have a hard time having a prospective SO tell my children, "Get with the program or hit the road." We would have to work up to that point in our relationship.
"your fiancee is not ready to
"your fiancee is not ready to place the partnership as her primary focus"
How does one discuss this without it coming out of my mouth or going into her ears as "I expect you to consider ME/US to be more important than your own children"?
We have chatted about our childhoods and how my mom went to the opposite extreme and basically told me "Your new step dad is in charge of your discipline" and handed me over to them (two step dads). My fiancee was aghast and said something to the effect of "my children will always be MY children and I would never let someone else discipline them" which I know is mostly protective mom-speak, and also mainly in regards to them being little kids like I was. So I don't know how that attitude will translate into dropping some "tough love" on them as young adults.
It is frustrating when she comes to me to vent about how frustrated she is with them but will not take a harder line when I suggest that as a solution.
"'my children will always be
"'my children will always be MY children and I would never let someone else discipline them' which I know is mostly protective mom-speak"
Do you think your finacee is seeng her children as adults? I would tell her that if you are going to move in together that your RELATIONSHIP comes first. This means you are to be respected as her partner. This needs to be stressed by your finacee to her adult children before you ever move in together.
You can not discipline adults. They should be treated as you would any other adult who would be living in your home. They should be making an honest effort to improve their lives with the objective of eventually leaving. Otherwise you and your finacee should agree on how drop some of the 'tough love' on them. Of course, what your fiancee SHOULD do and what your fiancee WILL do may be two different things. Maybe pre-marriage counselling would help.
Believe me - I have been in your shoes. I waited for 20 years for DH to inform SD that I am to be respected as his wife. It hasn't happened yet.
If you do, make sure to buy
If you do, make sure to buy an "us" house. It is usually a disaster if you don't.
Yes, this ^^^ My DH and I
Yes, this ^^^
My DH and I dated long distance while our kids finished high school and went off to college. We were both looking for jobs so we could move someplace new, not his town and not mine. Turns out I ended up getting a promotion at my current job and he got a job offer in the next town. So, we stayed in my town, but I did sell my house and we bought an "us" house.
It still wasn't enough. His son and my daughter eventually ended up moving back in with us for about a year, and at about the same time -- BD due to an abusive relationship and SS due to what we later found out was a drug addiction. So, even the best plans of waiting until the kids were out of the house backfired. So not only did we have issues with the kids, everything that went wrong for DH and SS was blamed partly (sometimes completely) on "this stupid place and these stupid people that live here." SS still says idiotic stuff like that sometimes and I come unglued. It's my home, you selfish brat.
It was a nightmare of a year for all of us. If I had it to do over again, I would still let both kids move back home. Both really needed the parental nest, but I would have had clear expectations and clear boundaries for the kids, and I would not have made the mistake of being "nice" to keep the peace. That was stupid.
If you can make decisions as a couple and you can both enforce the decisions you make, then go ahead and try it out. DH and I learned a lot about ourselves and about our kids. And both kids are doing well now, and both out on their own.