Is it really that wrong to refer to a step kid as "our" daughter, son, kids, etc?
I understand when you are a step parent that your SO's kids are not biologically yours and already have a mom and a dad. However, when you are married to your SO, the children accept you, and you are bonding or living together as a family is it so wrong to refer to the step child/children as "our"? Especially if when you got with your SO the children were very young so they look at you as a parental figure?
I am not married to my SO, we have been together a year, but when we do get married, I am not going to make a divide and refer to the children as "his kids." In my mind, at that point, I married my SO and in doing so, his kids are also, my family. My bf has a dog, he bought me a cat, and then he has two children, which would constitute the dynamics of our family until we have a child together. Currently, when asked if I have children, I respond "my boyfriend has two daughters," and leave it at that.
I understand for step parents who's SO had older children at the time they got together or if they had no interest in really being a "family" with their SO and their kids. However, I met my bf's youngest right before she turned 2, now next month she will be 3 and the oldest I met her when she was 3.5. To me, there is nothing wrong with later down the road referring to the children as our kids and our family because I had been in their life for so long and from so young. That is not to say I am trying to sit there and replace their mom or anything like that, but because I am not blood, I do not think I need to separate myself and create a divide.
At this point in the game, my bf looks for my opinions and we make decisions together in regards to his children on his time, so I am respected as an equal partner already so it would be only natural that continues/becomes more so when we do move in together/get married. Maybe I am currently in fantasy land, but I would like to try to have a happy home with all of us and our future children that everyone feels included and a part of. My dad's dad, who I refer to as my grandfather, is not biologically his father, but I had no idea until I was in high school and to this day I have never seen a divide or difference. My boyfriend's siblings are all half siblings, but the closest in age to him, his brother has treated my bf's dad as his dad and vice versa, was in his life since before he turned 2 years old.
Steppers with more experience and knowledge, tell me your opinions/thoughts, really am curious how you all feel about the subject.
I think it depends on context
And not hurting feelings. I bend over backwards to make certain teachers and medical staff understand that these are not my kids. That I care about them, but I do not have authority to make decisions. Yes, DH discusses with me, but his call (depending on situation, with his EX).
OTOH, in social situtations, I do refer to them as our kids. As in we went camping, and I checked us in and said, we have two adults and our 4 kids. It is not the campsite's business whose kids they are.
Well that totally makes sense
in regards to education and medical. The staff there needs to know this information when both parents are involved.
I primarily asked because I have been seeing lately on here when a poster refers to their step as "our" people often will correct the poster and tell them the child is not theirs. When in my mind if that is how the step parent views it, why is it wrong to include the child that is not biologically theirs in their family and call them "our."
I am confused
What do you mean when both parents are involved? Yes, school has me, as SM, as emergency contact. If there is a storm, and school let out early, yes I am authorized to pick up. But they should understand I am not a parent. I do not get to determine kids schedule.
My stepkids have two parents and I am not one. It is not biological. If I had adopted my stepkids, I would be a parent. It is about responsiblity. If DH and I were to get divorced, I could not be ordered to pay CS. If I adopted them, they would not be biological kids, but I could be ordered to pay CS.
I am sorry that
was confusing wording. What I had meant was the school and doctors offices should be aware you are not their parent and who the parents are. I was not disagreeing with that wording, was agreeing context is important!
Sorry about that!
No, it's not necessarily
No, it's not necessarily wrong, some people just have a thing about it but that is THEIR hangup and it's really not for them to say, "Stop referring to your your step kid as "ours." Not their business. Some people do love their step kids as their own and have raised them as their own.
I don't think it should be used if it makes the story/situation confusing (but that's not usually why people here take such a hard stand against it).
Ah okay
That was more or less what I was trying to get at. If it was more a personal reason why people feel it is wrong or what it was that I have seen many bothered by people referring to their steps that way.
Obviously at this point, I am referring to them this way. However, especially with them being young, when it is outsiders at like a restaurant or something and refer to them as mine in someway, I do not correct them because 1. it is none of their business and 2. one day, hopefully will be my family (sounds corny, but that is my current view)
Don't worry, your skids will
Don't worry, your skids will start correcting strangers themselves. That's why many people suggest you don't call them "mine" or "ours." Little skids are adorable. Big skids can be nightmares.
Lol mine was correcting
Lol mine was correcting people in a snotty voice already at 4. I guess she skipped the adorable stage.
I use to think the same way
I use to think the same way you do at first. My step daughter was 2 and step son 4 when I came along. 5 years later it has not been as easy as i thought But I am hanging in there.
Glad you are hanging in!
I am definitely not that naive that I know when they get older, it could become a "you're not my parent" or "you're not my mom" or whatever. I know that is coming at some point and I am not trying to replace anyone, but I do not like the divide some people really like to impress on their step situation. However, I understand some people who do, they aren't wrong, but just not how I feel about it right now.
Personal Issue
I became SM to both of my skids under the age of 3. They did family projects on their "two Moms" and their Dad. They are "our" kids. I refer to SS as my son, and SD as my daughter. DH refers to my kids the same. When I married him I was in for the long haul,
People here do both. Some are strongly bonded to their SKs and refer to them as their own. Some jump in WAY too strong, refer to them as their own, and split up years later with confused SKs. Some refuse to be associate with their "DH's kids". To each their own. You know you, your SKs and your relationship. Don't let others dictate.
And btw...most of "our" kids are now grown and out of the house. But because I'm in Canada, and I "acted" as a parent for so long I COULD have been on the hook for CS if DH had died. Not his estate....ME. So I don't need to adopt them to make them mine. The privileges came with the great potential for responsibility.
That is pretty awesome
Well I am glad it has worked out for you and I may be totally wrong, but I think when you come into the lives of children when they are under 4, it is easier to take on the SM role. Or at least I tell myself at 25, I do not think if they were any older since I do not have kids that I would feel comfortable being with a man with kids.
Wow, I didn't know it works that way in Canada!
If these kids have a involved BM
It’s not going to be that way. They will play one against the other. I assume now he does not have 50/50 ? So kids spend more time with BM. TWO. It depends on the way BM looks at this. If she feel her toes are being step on. She can make life hell for you.
Actually no, my bf has the kids more
than the BM. The kids actually see me more than their BM even though, my bf and I currently live separately.
IMO there is no "right"answer
IMO there is no "right"answer tip this. It all depends on your situation, and how each person feels about it.
You need to ask the children how they feel about it, how do you feel about it, how does your SO feel About it.
Yeah that is very true
The kids are too young to really grasp how they feel about it just yet and my SO and I are on the same page for how we want our future in terms of us and the children.
The fact is...
You ARE ALL FAMILY, that is once you are married, under the definition of immediate family. As the spouse of a person who has kids from a previous relationship, it SHOULD BE made clear that step parents are in a position of AUTHORITY and therefore they need to have RESPECT. There ARE boundaries on all ends of the spectrum. I always referred to my step-son as such until the day he asked me to drop the step. It was then up to me as to whether I did that and I CHOSE to do so. But I always referred to him as "ours" because I did have a responsiblity with regards to his overall upbringing.
Its a balancing act to say the least because the child has to navigate x amount of authority in 2 different homes in stead of 1 and the adults have to be of one accord in certain aspects and have trust in other aspects because people don't all raise children the same or have the same rules.
That totally makes sense
Already I do have respect and authority when I am around because like bf has told the children, him and I are the adults and we make the decisions. That is awesome that he asked you to drop the step part of it! :)
This is true, it is a lot to navigate
I'm not a fan. You have zero
I'm not a fan. You have zero legal rights to that child, and if/when you divorce you will likely never see that child again. To me, calling them "our child" implies an ownership that you don't have in the situation. To me, it's an artificial construct - it's not YOUR CHILD, period, and never will be unless you adopt them. It's like playing house.
I respect you have a different opinion
even though it is different than mine. If I am going to be involved in helping raise them, take care of them, making rules/etc. for them in the future when they are in my house, I wouldn't say referring to them as "our" is like playing house because it would be "our" household. Especially when I have been in their lives from such a young age. Plus, when we have a kid/kids of our own, would feel very wrong saying these are "our" children and those two are "his" children. Just feels like I am excluding them or saying they are less important/valuable than anyone else in the home.
I get what you're saying, I
I get what you're saying, I really do. But read my comment below.
You sound like you're committed, and that's great, but you sound like you're going to be hurt when you realize that they're not going to see you the same as they see their biological parents. You can raise them, take care of them, make rules for them, etc. etc. all you want, it's not going to change anything.
Trust me I am well
aware of the day will come where the loyalty will lie with the BM and want nothing to do with me. However, just because it is coming one day down the road, I don't think I should start by making a conscious and verbal divide between the kids not being biologically mine. I am not trying to make them "mine," but want to be inclusive especially when we have plans for kids down the road. The future children will also be taught to be inclusive with what would be technically their half siblings.
Well, if all the kids, his
Well, if all the kids, his and yours together, are standing in a group - you can say "those are our children over there."
But when you are talking about your stepson, I think saying "our son" makes zero sense. No matter how much you are a "family", he is not "YOUR" son. You can be a family and still say, this is my "STEPSON", the word son is in there.
So it's "These are our kids - my stepsons and my daughter".
It's not just semantics, it implies ownership. I don't have kids, but we have dogs. I brought one dog into our marriage, and that is MY dog. If I leave, she goes with me. I care for her. Yes, DH pets her and plays with her, and he refers to that dog and the dog we got together as "our dogs". But separately, he wouldn't call her "our dog", she's my dog.
I hope that made sense - there's a difference in referring to one kid as ours than there is in referring to the group of them as ours.
I think a huge part of it is
my dad is technically my grandfather's stepson, but he has never been referred to as such. My bf's brother who has a different dad than my bf, has never been referred to by my bf's dad as his step son either. So when other people do refer their step as "our" and 46 years later, there still is no divide or exclusion in regards to my dad and 33 years later none for my bf's brother, there is nothing wrong with it being done this way. It is all about how people view their family dynamic. When I get married to my bf, he and the kids will be my family. If they were older, probably wouldn't feel that way, but because they are so young and so reliant on us and will be for a while, I don't feel like I should be differentiating between them.
It's not the words "our kids"
It's not the words "our kids" that I have an issue with. It's the practice behind it.
There are people who come on here in the throes of conflict referring to the kids as "ours" and taking on a heavy parental role which is what is causing the conflict. Kids who have two active parents likely won't view their SP as an equal parental figure. Additionally, if one of those parents is toxic, then the kid is going to have even more conflict issues with their SP out of loyalty to their parents. It can add to relational and familial conflict as well as internal conflict for the child.
I also believe that kids should have autonomy, to a certain extent, as to who they consider family. My SSs love me, and they consider me family in the context of their paternal family. But they aren't my kids. They recoil (as do I) when someone specifically says "they're your kids, too" because they aren't mine. I can be there family without being their parent. It's no different than my FIL being my family without being my father.
If all parties are promoting a blended family, and all the parents get along and work together, I think saying "our kids" is perfectly fine. When you don't want to explain the dynamics of your family to, say, a waiter, I can see using "our kids". But once there is conflict? I think a kid needs to have some say, or if they say they are uncomfortable, that their feelings need to be taken into consideration.
Oh yeah
I would never try and override either bio parent or act as if though I am the one making the decisions. At this point in time, there are times where my bf and I discuss what we think and then he makes a decision regarding the kids and for the future, this is exactly how I would want it to remain. That I am not a decider, but I have a right to make an opinion when it affects me/our household, but the only person that would be expressed to is my bf.
When the kids are old enough to have feelings about it then of course it would be taken into consideration, but as of now, the 4 year old has never expressed any opinion about it or even noticed anyone on the outside saying anything like that. Right now I am just happy at this moment they accept and include me. What the future may bring? Who knows haha.
I think it depends who you
I think it depends who you are talking to when you say "ours." Like someone mentioned above, doctors and teachers need to know they are not your biological kids. Cashiers and waiters do not need to know your family dynamics. Don't misrepresent the authority and decision making you have over them. And be prepared for BM to FREAK out when she finds out you are calling her kids yours. You can still be family without all the kids being yours. I don't ever say SD is my daughter, but her mother is in her life so I don't feel that would be appropriate (even though she is a huge POS but that's another story).
Well yes I agree
to not misrepresent that to doctors or schools. I wouldn't start referring to them that way until my bf and I were married which at that point we would be together 4-5 years. My main reason in the future his kids will probably be referred to as ours is like I have told a few other people on here is I don't want when we have our own children to be excluding his prior children because I did not birth them. It will be "our" household and they are included in that.
Yes. My DH has 1, we have 1
Yes. My DH has 1, we have 1 together, and another on the way. We say "the kids" unless we are talking about a specific child. My daughter and SD are very close.
Awe that is awesome!
See that is what I want to encourage. Especially when my dad who I call grandpa is not actually his father, but I didn't learn until practically an adult, and to this day I never see any divide or difference on how my dad (my mom, myself, and my siblings) are treated compared to his bio kids and their families.
My mom's parents were
My mom's parents were divorced as well and her dad remarried - they each had their own kids but no kids together.
When my mom talks about her step brother she just says "my brother." So I definitely know what you mean!
I think it's wrong when NEW
I think it's wrong when NEW stepparents come on here referring to their stepkid as "my kid" or "our kid" because it shows that person has idealistic views, when in reality, unless you've adopted the child, you will never have the same rights, responsibilities, and most importantly, love from the child that biological parents have. I correct people so they don't set themselves up for a world of heartbreak later on.
If you go into being a stepparent thinking this kid is becoming "yours" in any way, you're going to be hurt when you realize that
1. You don't actually have any say legally, medically, and often times, in a parental manner. The biological parents will always override you. I can't even take my stepdaughter to the doctor and I've been raising her since she was 2 - she barely sees her mother.
2. That child will 9 times out of 10 never love you the way they love their biological parents. I go out of my way for my stepdaughter all the time, I treat her as my own, I am her primary financial support above BOTH parents, but do you think she loves me the same? No. Not in a million years. If I referred to her as "my kid" I would probably be upset and resentful about this.
Agree. My SD is 11. I've told
Agree. My SD is 11. I've told this story on here before but want to share with the OP - we had SD full time for 6 years. I RAISED her and treated her like she were my own. BM came back around last summer and SD jumped at the chance to go live with her and she hasn't stayed a night here since (been 8 months now). In almost all cases, the kids loyalty lies with their BM. I just don't want you to end up setting yourself up to get hurt like I did.
From reading on this site
I have become pretty aware of what the future can bring. I am aware of not being a bio parent and that I will never have the same rights, etc. as one, nor do I want that. However, when they are going to be a part of my household, then yeah I am not going to try and create a divide on who is blood and who is not blood. I appreciate you not letting me be in la la land though on what is to be when it is not going to be all sunshine and rainbows haha
Like someone else said, it's
Like someone else said, it's a matter of semantics.
I, too, refer to both kids (SD and our biological son) as "our kids" and refer to our household as "our family" so as to not exclude SD. As long as you know what you're in for, I think it's fine and quite preferable to be inclusive. :)
I think children of divorce
can feel excluded enough, even children of parents that were not married, so if you have no issues with being inclusionary, then it should be celebrated than looked down upon.
That is awesome, and thank you :)
I am not expecting to have the same rights
or love from the children, but just because of that as I responded to your other comment, I am not going to exlude them especially when my bf and I get married, they will be my family too. I am not trying to make them "mine," but I am also not going to be like that is my bf's family with the kids and only my bf is part of my family.
It's great that you are so
It's great that you are so optimistic and accepting of his kids. I wasn't trying to bring you down lol
No worries!
One of those comments was for the person who's post you commented on and the other was for you! Hey, I asked for people's opinions/outlooks/experiences on the subject so I am totally open for exactly that
It depends on the situation.
It depends on the situation. And I can only talk to mine. I do NOT refer to them as 'our kids.' The SDs have never thought of me as theirs, even making it very verbally clear and DH has thrown the "you don't have kids so you don't know" at me. So no, not mine. I have zero parental authority and act accordingly.
Ah, if my bf ever said that to me
I would definitely not do anything for them or anything. About a month ago, my bf tried explaining the way one of the kids was and how it happens. I told him that I did not appreciate him acting as though I was not in the know, when I am around the kids 90% of the time when he has them and I have been around for a year so I am very aware. Afterwards, he apologized because I was right and he was just trying to convince himself that the child does not act that way often.
At this point in the game, my opinion is respected and if the kids ask me for something and I say no (only when I really think the response should be no or I don't have an opinion, and then I say "go ask daddy") and we are a united front on my original answer.
Socially
When asked in a social situation we say we have three kids and leave it at that. Seems like overkill to explain further. However, there have been times when people will have tried to “clarify” that the youngest is “yours” and the other two “his”....don’t know why people need to do that.
Just this week, someone had to ask if I was the second wife...why is that a question to be asked? I am the wife. Period. People are just very socially difficult at times.
Do what works for you and your situation.
I agree that is overkill
I mean I suppose maybe if you don't have children together, but you both have your own kids people feel the need?
Eeeek! I don't like that question at all. That was actually an insecurity I have worked passed and only have overcome because my bf said he would never let anyone refer to me that way.
Yes, people are extremely nosy!
But - you are his second wife
But - you are his second wife. And those aren't your biological kids. So why are you insecure about being referred to in that way?
Not saying it isn't rude to ask someone if they are a second wife - it is very forward. But you should not be ashamed to say that you are his second wife and those are his kids.
My DH has one kid - if someone asks if we have kids, I say, "DH has a 19 yo son, he lives with his mother." I don't say, "yes, we have a 19 yo son" because he's NOT MY SON. Why would I say that?
Because
the second wife tends to have a negative connotation and I would be the only one that matters. Their marriage ended and at that point, we would be married so the first wife is not even a factor or of an significance. I am saying about the children because when we have kids together I am not going to sit there and say oh this one is ours and the other two are his. That to me is very exclusive and creates feelings of others being less important or less part of the family. Which I do not agree with. It is not about being ashamed, but I think it is very disrespectful, the first wife was not my wife and they are no longer married, so her being brought up in relation to my marriage (future one) is irrelevant.
It's not irrelevant at all,
It's not irrelevant at all, since he has children with her (the ones you call "our children" are really "their" children) and she will be a factor in your life for as long as you are married to him, like it or not.
Then technically
since it is all relevant, my bf shouldn't call his one daughter his because his ex cheated and had another man's child while married to my bf. She is not biologically his, legally his, but not biologically, so therefor we should just exclude her too. She is irrelevant, she would not be part of our marriage, she is the mother to his children or really child, but that is the only claim she has and I don't think she needs to be mentioned or even alluded to.
Being the second wife only
Being the second wife only has a negative connotation if you allow it to. BTW, you are the wife, the only wife, not the second wife. There's no polygamy here. And the truth is, if you have kids with him, they will be your kids with him vs his kids with someone else. Are you by chance in your 20s? I admire your optimism, but the kids are still young and there's a lot you haven't experienced yet. The way you feel about your own child that came out of your body will not be the same as for your skids. Sorry, but anyone who says that they feel the exact same way about skids and their own kids isn't telling the truth. You can love skids, but it won't be the same primal, throw-yourself-in-front-of-a-bus-to-save-them love. At any rate, good luck with everything.
My point on the other blog-
My point on the other blog- hamering the damn opinion over and over lol.
OP- do as you want and feel comfortable-some people like to argue for argument sakes and won't bak down until you agree to do things their way.
Just do what feels best and comfortable to all of you-you don't have to explain/justify or even ask us if it's ok. Everyone has different blended family situations. Right now the skids are young, you all get along so it makes sense to stay inclusive for example--and that's very honorable of you. In the other posters situation their kid (just because I can say it lol) has been alienated from them for years and has almost no relationship with either-so it makes sense to never use 'our' in that scenario.
People will often comment (And I admit I oftend to the same) based on their own life situations/perceptions/circumstances. We fail stop projecting our own issues onto others.
Do you and you family-you may find it great to use it now and when they hit teens you go back to 'HIS kids" lol- and that's perfectly ok to. Families evolve/grow/change/relationships change and so will the dumb semantics you use to address the relationship.
This place is biased because most here are in pretty bad situations but plenty of blended homes out there do well and have a more inclusive/less stife filled lives and and use 'ours' to refer to their families. THat's ok
It depends. Everyone is
It depends. Everyone is different. Everyone's family is different.
I usually refer to SD as my SD or as my husband's daughter. Especially when it comes to people who might think I have any authority to make decisions for SD. For example, SD had a classmate who wanted a sleepover and we ran into the classmate's mom and the Mom was like well "we need to ask her mom" and I had to clarify that I was SM as I have no authority to make that type of decision.
But other times I might say "our" so that I dont have to explain things to strangers.
I would never say our kids
I would never say our kids because I don’t want any one on this earth to think his kids are mine.
It's your family but his kids
It's your family but his kids. They have a mother already.
I met my skids when they were
I met my skids when they were 1 and 4. I'm now married to their father and they are 4 and 6. For the past year I have spent more time with them than either of their bio parents (although their parents are very involved). I love them and they love me. But I don't refer to them as mine or ours. I generally refer to them as my husband's children or don't mention it at all. Most strangers assume they're mine and there is usually no reason to correct that misconception. Friends, family, teachers and doctors know I'm the stepmom. If I referred to them as "our" children in front of BM, I doubt she'd flinch. Her fiance refers to them as "our kids" from time to time, and he hasn't even known them for a year. But it would just feel weird to me to refer to them as mine or ours because they're NOT mine.
I don't think it's wrong for a stepparent to refer to the skids as "ours," it's just that I'm not going to do it. I have no problem with BM's fiance doing it, and neither does my husband. He's happy that BM's fiance cares for the skids and that the skids like him. If a bio-parent didn't like the stepparent referring to the kids that way, though, I think it would be best if the SP didn't.
If they aren’t ‘your’ kids
If they aren’t ‘your’ kids by birth or by means of adoption then I think it is incorrect to refer to them as ‘your’ or ‘our’ kids.
I can see why you wouldn’t go to the trouble correcting someone who wrongly presumes they are but the bottom line is: if the ARE NOT your children, why would you infer that they were?
I don’t think there’s a right
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer to this. Obviously legally they aren’t your kids, but emotionally they might be. I used to think of my skids as ‘ours’, but the older they get & the more I see them being babied, coddled, not disciplined properly etc, with no control or real say about how it all happens.... yeah, no thanks. They’re definitely NOT my kids. I make a point of saying my DH’s kids.
My fiancé and I each have
My fiancé and I each have teenage daughters. When we are out or saying anything about doing things or whatnot without the family we always refer to them as our girls. My twin SDs14 do not have a bio mom so I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings over saying MY daughters and excluding them. Even if they did have a bio mom I’m pretty sure I would refer to them all as ours. Except of course for proposes of registering for school. Or dr appts. They all know I am soon to be step mom. I wouldn’t feel comfortable if I was just talking about my step daughters and calling them mine. When it’s all kids it’s our family
Nothing wrong with it
I don't think there is anything with it as long as you are comfortable and you're not forcing it on the children. People on here get very rude about you calling your stepchildren your own, but I call my SD mine. I didn't in front of her until she asked about calling me mom. My partner and I have full custody and are raising her. I spend almost every day with her and I love her like my own child. My husband also gets upset when I say things that imply she isn't my own and he uses language that implies she is my own. I think as long as it doesn't make anyone feel forced into a relationship they aren't ready for it's fine
Now wrong at all. I have
Now wrong at all. I have referred to my son as my son since his mom and I marred the week before he turned 2yo. He will be 27 in a couple of months. He asked me to adopt him 5 years ago.
Being a parent and having a child is not exclusive to those who have created children.