Calling adult skids "Skids," and grands "gskids"
A lady who knows both SDIL and I struck up a conversation with me; she said "So you're sgk6's grandmother." I told her that I was his "step grandmother." Then she went on with my son, "and he's sgk6's cousin." I said, "He's his step-uncle." I reiterated to her that SDIL is DH's daughter in law, and that her children were HIS grandkids. She reiterated and summarized our relationship as "grandmother and grandkids." It was beyond annoying and useless to get her to see the family dynamic, like she didn't want to hear that step-families exist. This happened once before when another woman was asking about the gskids and she said, "they are all just grandkids." Well I would agree if I actually got the respect of a grandmother!
I genuinely like SDIL (most of the time) but don't try to paint the illusion that we are one big happy family. She's a step, as are her kids. Doesn't mean I don't like them by acknowledging that they are "steps," I just tell it like it is. I'm the "evil" step mother, the one taking all of them away from DH }:) (According to adult ss's)
Is it just me or does it seems odd that with the 50% divorce rate people are still judgey and unaccepting of step-families? Do any of you get this? If so, how do you respond?
My DH refers to my BS as his
My DH refers to my BS as his "son" I refer to my SS's as my "Stepsons" or DH's sons. I am not treated as a mother and therefore I do not claim them as my own.
My DH refers to my BS as his
My DH refers to my BS as his "son" I refer to my SS's as my "Stepsons" or DH's sons. I am not treated as a mother and therefore I do not claim them as my own.
I think it is a case by case
I think it is a case by case basis thing. My mother is a grandmother to my skids. Although they may not see her as a full grandparent they do give her the same respect as their other grandparents. To add complication, my DH's father remarried (widowed) about the same time I came along in the family. This new grandmother also loves being their grandparent and receives that level of respect. They have a nice grandparenty name for her and my mom. I give credit to my skids parents and to the skids for seeing that this just means that there are more people to love them. It's not always a yucky situation and maybe your friend was giving it the benefit of the doubt.
That being said, my OSD has told me on numerous occasions that I would not be a grandparent to her children if she has any. I tried not to let this hurt my feelings, but it stings a little. I can only hope that if those children come along they will make up their own minds about my role in their lives.
I am positive when SD
I am positive when SD eventually has children I am going to be iced out, and she will not care at all that I won't do a thing for her. For people with large extended families or a network of friends one person not helping makes no difference. DH will not be able to say no to running over there alone to babysit because "that's his grandbaby" and because he will look like a crap parent to his family. Grandkids can be wonderful or they can make a terrible step situation even more terrible.
No kidding! She's young
No kidding! She's young though, who knows how it will turn out? She also told me that if DH and I chose to have children together that it would be disrespectful to her and her mother. I kindly reminded her that my older sister is a half sibling (we are very close and SD really likes her too). She replied: "I hadn't thought of that." She's not trying to be mean, she just has a small view of it. She treats me respectfully otherwise. I just take it as her expressing her feelings of yuckiness about her parents' divorce. It really has nothing to do with me.
Hopefully OSD will not spawn!
Hopefully OSD will not spawn! If she's already planning on who she's going to turn her future children against, she shouldn't be a mother.
I don't know why it offends
I don't know why it offends people outside of the family, what's it to them?
Every situation is different. My niece refers to my dad's wife as her grandma (but she knows she is a "step"). They have that relationship, and have since my niece's birth.
I, on the other hand, feel weird calling SD's kids my grandkids because I have NO relationship with them, they are just her kids to me.
Frankly, it's nobody's business.
"Frankly, it's nobody's
"Frankly, it's nobody's business."
I agree. This gal is someone I see often so I wanted to set the record straight. ss26 usually looks sloppy and hung over so I really don't want anyone thinking he's "mine."
I wanted to set the record
I wanted to set the record straight
I really don't want anyone thinking he's "mine"
Yep, it's not her place to take out the "step" in your relationships.
I honestly just don't bother
I honestly just don't bother explaining step family dynamics to people. You either get it or you don't. And most people don't. It is okay. That is what steptalk is for.
I usually don't either. If
I usually don't either. If this was someone I would never see again I would just smile and agree, but this is someone that SDIL and I both see regularly so I don't want to have to continuously portray a fake relationship.
I agree, every family is
I agree, every family is different.
For me, correct terms have become very important as they remind me of what my role is and is not, and help me to avoid becoming overly involved like I used to be. They are verbal boundaries that are for my own protection. So, the adult SDs are "DH's daughters", their children are HIS grandchildren, the SILs are HIS sister's, not mine.
It's healthier for me to be "just his wife"
Yep. I only refer to SD as
Yep. I only refer to SD as that on this site, in real life, she is DH's daughter. I don't mean in it a bad way, it just is.
My dad has been married to his wife for 31 years, she is his wife, not my step mother, and it wouldn't bother me if SD24 referred to me as her dad's wife. I have heard her call me her step mom and it was very uncomfortable for her (and I've been in her life since she was 5). I am her dad's wife, after all, that is just a fact. She does want to refer to me as her kids' grandma and I'm not sure why. :?
I so agree exjulie. Like you
I so agree exjulie. Like you I was overly involved for the first 2 years of my marriage only to have it all thrown back in my face. I did the shopping, cooking,
This year DH did all the shopping for HIS kids and HIS grandkids. I did acquiesce and help him wrap the gifts but that was it. ss30 was over last night and I had to restrain myself from being the happy hostess. I went about the house doing my own thing. DH can offer him food or drinks and cater to him; but he didn't, so neither did I.
It's just fine for skids to
It's just fine for skids to go on and on about their "evil" stepmothers who stole their fathers away, but in no way must a stepmother even hint that she doesn't love the skids/gskids and consider them her own. Apparently we're supposed to take care of them, do everything, put on our happy faces and "stay sweet" while being excluded, lied about, and emotionally abused by skids.
It's such an eye opener being a sm. I had no idea of the hatred and ambiguity of our role until I became one myself. We are part of an entire underclass of women who are openly disparaged by the media and often scapegoated for an already broken family's issues.
After enduring a particularly
After enduring a particularly abusive day from SD and her husband, they joined DH and I at a picnic. We were having a conversation with someone at the picnic, and they mentioned that she was my 'daughter'. I calmly replied that SD was my 'step-daughter'. I could see SD was miffed. At that pint I really didn't care whether I appeared 'sweet' or not. I also felt like there would not have been any 'correct' way to reply to this person. If I said, "Yes, she's my daughter", SD would have been miffed too. No-win. And I'm sure she wouldn't NEVER want to refer to me as her Mother. Later on at the picnic, the same person told me that she noticed how "negative" SD was. If SD and I had a more positive relationship I would have been proud to say she was my daughter.
I call SD my Step-daughter.
I call SD my Step-daughter. I would never want to take credit for how she has 'matured' into an adult narcissist. I know what you mean about other people being unaccepting of step-families. They just don't understand the dynamics. They've never experienced the frustration and rejection. For years my Sister would spout off, "Children are the top priority - over the spouse." She was one of those people who stayed in a bad marriage for financial reasons so she just had a different point of view. I finally made my point when I told her what SD did - which was similar to her rotten MIL. LOL
Yesterday I found out that
Yesterday I found out that SDIL has been telling people that my son and her son are cousins. That would mean that I'm her, ss30 or ss26's sister! I guess that she doesn't want to explain the step family dynamic to people, but really?! Is admitting that you have a SMIL so awful? I just can't go into fantasy family land with them.
I understand your sister's point of view. When a marriage goes bad and you feel like it's "over," there is a shift of priorities where the spouse goes to the bottom of the line and now they're staying together "for the children." From my personal experience (a whole other blog) this makes things worse for the marriage. Having skids and MIL's meddling can make things miserable if their behavior is allowed to continue.
I do not give a flying fig
I do not give a flying fig what SS30 or his GF call me or what their newborn child will call me.
I only call him SS here just because it is easier to refer to him as SS30 rather than DD's pathetic, worthless son who is now 30 and should have grown up by now. He was in his 20s (and already a totally worthless POS) when I met DH. I in no way ever was a parent to him.
I do not consider the little bastard child he sired my grandchild. SS is a totally worthless POS and will not be a decent father to this child. So if he is not a father how can I ever be any kind of grandmother? The child will be so much better off if SS drops out of his life as soon as possible.
"it is easier to refer to him
"it is easier to refer to him as SS30 rather than DD's pathetic, worthless son who is now 30 and should have grown up by now."
I swear that your ss30 and my ss30 are twins separated at birth! Lately my ss30 has been talking about "when" he and his gf have kids. I just cringe, ss is back living on mommy's couch and last night when he was here announced that he's only made $6000 a year for the last 5 years (and I think he's exaggerating because he's only been working for the last several months). If ss does procreate G-d help us all! It'll be a welfare baby and probably taken by CPS eventually since ss said he'll whip his kid with a belt if he gets out of line.
I don't care what gskids call me either, but SDIL insinuating that there is no "step" involvement and I'm their sister is just a bit overboard for me.
In my home, we are clear
In my home, we are clear about step son/daughter. I am sure when there are grandkids, it will be step grand.
It is what it is. We are a blended family.
