9-YO & His Parents Drive Me Crazy
I'm hoping to get solid advice rather than being reprimanded on here for being honest about how I feel... It's long, but bare with me please:
I am 24, no kids of my own. Have been dating my 29 year old BF for about a year and we have a great relationship, we discuss marriage often. He was divorced six years ago and has a nine year old son. As far as I can tell, his past situation was based on Mom getting pregnant after they knew each other for two months and they tried marriage. Mom has a VERY bad temper and also had a handful of affairs, which ultimately led to divorce. She has moved to another state and took the 9 YO with her. She is very difficult to work with, and in my opinion is the laziest excuse for a mother that I've ever encountered in my life.
I feel very strongly for my BF's son. I also feel very against medicating a child. Just to my luck, mom has this kid on a VERY high dose of Vyvanse and because it cracks him out for so long during the day, she just recently got him on a medication to help him get to sleep before midnight. IT's pathetic. My BF is not a saint. When his son comes to stay with us (only on school breaks) it's more of a vacation from reality for the kid. He has zero chores or responsibilities, has no clue of the value of a dollar, and is spoiled rotten. My BF feels guilty that his son has to be tossed back and forth, and feels guilty that the kid's mom is very militant with him. She hardly shows him affection and he has learned her temper.. Unfortunately he's inherited it also.
So what's my problem? Everything, it seems. I was thrown into this step-parenting thing pretty quickly. My BF works 2nd shift (3PM-11) so most nights I watch his son if my BF's parents can't. I try my hardest to make things fun and beneficial for this child, I try to show him respect and love. I came from a very strict family so I will admit that I am strict with him. He knows I have expectations and usually works with me. Lately he has started to develop an attitude. Slight back-talking here and there, he CANNOT keep anything clean.. And his family has allowed him to blame his mistakes and/or outbursts on his medication. I find that to be unacceptable and a poor way out of ownership of his actions.
My boyfriend has been making some changes because I told him that there was no way I could see myself having a family with him in the future, and him raising our children as he does. He basically just exists with his son. He buys him stuff, more stuff, and more stuff. It's obvious that he wants his son to go back home and tell Mom how much he got and how much fun he had. I try explaining to my boyfriend all the time that his son would so much rather have one on one time with him than another toy, which is why he forgets he has certain toys ALL the time.
My boyfriend wants to get full custody of his son because we both see him going downhill living with her. She has remarried, consequently three stepchildren have entered their household and she is now pregnant. They struggle financially and she is terrible at keeping up with him. He hasn't gotten new lenses for his glasses in a year and a half, they are awful. He hasn't been to the dentist in over a year. She won't let him join extracurricular activities. And he's so heavily medicated it's sad. I just KNOW that if my boyfriend gets custody, there's going to be a huge load put on me. My boyfriend looks to ME for parenting advice because I am strict and he hasn't done anything for the past (almost) ten years apparently. Half the time I can't stand his son, moreso because I resent his ex wife, also because he's spoiled and getting a smart mouth.
What do you guys do in situations like this?
Your feelings aren't wrong.
Your feelings aren't wrong. Not at all.
Your problem here isn't the kid. It's your SO and BM, and their refusal to pull their heads out of their a$$es and parent this child. They are unintentionally setting him up for failure as an adult.
I think you need to have some serious discussions with your SO. These discussions are best done in a calm, non-attacking manner. You could say that you care about SS, and want what's in his best interests.
If your SO decides to keep his head buried in the sand, you might want to analyze your future with SO, and decide whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with SO.
Both of them are bad
Both of them are bad parents.
SO may be using custody to get out of CS. And he's going to make you parent his kid.
If he isn't parenting, now chances are he won't start later.
Has he said anything about changing his work hours?
Don't worry about being
Don't worry about being reprimanded here for those kinds of feelings. It's kind of what this place is for!
First - decide now if you want to be a parent to this child and deal with this BM. Consider how your life will be, because if you do marry, you'll be dealing with them forever, assuming you want your marriage to last that long. Forever. Although you may be able to help SO change for the better (although we all know how often that works out), you have much less of a chance with the kid and BM. So think about how they are now, or worse, and consider that... FOREVER.
If you STILL really want to pursue this... ITA with Anon in that you need to talk seriously with SO. Sounds like you're not living together, correct? If so, you need to have these discussions and work it out with him BEFORE you get into a living situation, married or not. Your concerns (and likely the underlying causes) will only worsen once in that situation - so if you can't resolve them now, you're in trouble. Tell him how you feel and what you will need to make this relationship work for you. Also as Disney implies, those working hours need to be negotiated if they can if he gets custody. Otherwise you WILL be raising his son.
The other option, and one you may hear a LOT here is... run. Now. Like the wind. You're young and you have plenty of opportunity to be with someone who does not have this kind of history that YOU will be saddled with. Make your own history with someone. Run.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your support and advice - I appreciate it greatly. I talked with my SO today, mainly because I woke up at 7AM this morning with high anxiety about SS and his well being. I did some extensive research on the two medications that he is on and was shocked to find that he has a lot of symptoms that have warnings stating that the doctor should be contacted immediately. I can NOT believe that his mother doesn't notice any of this or that she hasn't taken consideration to what she is putting in her child's body, but I made the decision today that I needed to make myself clear. This kid needs to be off the meds. He needs to be with us. His mother is terrible for him.
Although my SO doesn't get all emotional when it comes to changing things, and he is probably way more patient than I, he has made the point to take me to his parents house and at least talk with his father. He told his father that he needed their support when contacting his ex about this matter, because she will most definitely be blowing up their phone once my SO calls her and discusses this matter. My SO's father basically told ME that he really likes me, I am by far the best woman that my SO has ever been involved with, but I need to be prepared for my SO's mother who will tell me that the choices are between my SO and BM, and I shouldn't interject so much. Which I will most definitely defend myself on. I have a say if I am supposed to be responsible for him.
I told my SO that if he doesn't start making changes and getting passionate about his son's well being and start standing up to his ex, I will not have a family with him. I'll be damned if I'm going to start a family with a man that I KNOW won't run through hell or high water for his children.
So, at this point.. I have literally gathered about ten sources from my research to prove my points, and have given them to my SO. He wants them to be at his fingertips when he contacts the BM, so to not be attacking her parenting, rather tell her the risks that she is putting him through. I also hope that he starts seeking legal help.
Does ANYONE know anything about legality and custodial rights? She left the state two years ago without consent of my SO and he is supposed to have him every weekend, by the concern of the court. That obviously is not happening.