SD doesn't want to spend time with our family anymore
My husband and I have 2 children (2 years-boy and 5 months-girl). My SS and SD are from two different BMs.
My SS is 10 and we have him for 1 week on, 1 week off. My SD is 9 and we have her every other day after school (which I don't see her, because her BM picks her up before I get home), and every other weekend from Friday to Monday. Her and her 1/2 brother bicker a lot like kids do, but they get along well for the most part. They have always had time together with dad their whole lives.
Her BM just started dating her ex-fiance's younger brother (yes, the rest of her history is just as bad). His kids are 4-boy, 6-girl, and 9-girl. My SD is now throwing fits when my husband picks her up, because she says she would rather play with his kids and not our "babies", even though once she gets to our house, she is fine and has a fun time. This has been going on for 5 months.
Even though my husband has fought very hard to play an active role with all of his children, today he told his daughter's BM that he would not be coming by to pick her up anymore. He said he does not want to have his heart broken every time he comes to pick her up and has to take her yelling and screaming. He said that he'll come get her when she calls and askes to come over.
We discussed this possibility before today. I feel very bad that us having 2 small children has turned his older daughter away from him. She complains about having to share time with the babies, etc. I am also finishing my college degree, so my time is more limited - although I make it a point to spend as much time as a family as I can when we do have her. Her 1/2 brother who is 10 does not have any of these issues or feelings. I do know that each child is different, so...but it does seem like she is just using it as something else to complain about. We even afforded her to take horseback riding lessons this summer break....
Anyway, I am at a loss. I would hate this to backfire and for my SD to never want to come over to our house again. My 2 year old already loves his sister and I would hate for my kids to lose out on that relationship as well...
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
rgsmom
So who is this about? Your
So who is this about? Your husband not wanting to be a father or allowing a 9 YR OLD to call the shots? OK, so if she wants to start drinking at 14 will he just shrug and walk away?
She needs to be put in the car and driven over to your place. Or is he a Disney Dad? Only wants the kids when they re well and happy? What does he thinks happens when kids don't want to leave grandmas and have a meltdown?
Let me predict your future... SD9 will call when she has nothing better to do. Daddy will hop on over and pick her up. When she gets to your place Daddy will do the Puppet Dance to make all her dreams come true. She will grow up calling the shots in your house (she will not come for Thanksgiving but she will for Christmas because she gets 'rewarded' with gifts). She will decide when she comes and goes.
She needs to be told "Look, this is the way it is. You can either like it or not. But you are still coming." So many parents here would bite their arm off for a chance to have their kids yet your DH is just giving up? My ex BIL did the same thing. He moved to another country and his daughter (then 13)wennt for a vacation wto see him and got upset because he went on vacation for 2 weeks before she visited him and then dumped her with his new wife and kids(someone my neice had never met or spoke to before) when he went back to work. He chose to vacation at a resort with his new wife and her kids rather than wait for his only daughter to join him. My ex BIL will not talk/email with her until she apologises for getting upset. 2 yrs on and he STILL will not talk to her. He gave up too. He could be her father but because the going got tough he bailed on his only daughter.
Don't feel bad because you have 2 younger children. My own older daughter was 9 when I was pregnant with our 4th child. She was VERY angry for a while because I ruined the perfect family for her. And they all had the same parents! It happens. Don't feel bad. But don't let your DH bail on his daughter.
9 yr olds don't call the shots... well not in my world.
As a someone who was a child
As a someone who was a child frequently tossed between parents when the going got tough and as a mother who has watched her own daughter refuse to see her dad after begging him to change his lifestyle he refused she stuck by her choice (and based on the situation her choice was justified) a child wants, would give anything, and needs dad to pick her screaming ass up tell her to knock off her tantrum she's going like it or not! In the end that right there shows more love and caring than any present, vacation, or coddiling ever will! I'd give just about anything for my dad to of done that to me, even my ex to our daughter. The walk away parent makes you feel unwanted, worthless, and disposable.
I have to say that just
I have to say that just walking away and letting her have her way is going to backfire.
She is 9. She is temperamental and she has just figured out that if she pitches a fit she gets her way and she doesn't know the consequences of her actions.
Has your husband just picked her up, taken her for a "father/daughter" date and had a conversation with her about her behavior? Do it when she is calm and explain that her behavior hurts other people. And that it will not be tolerated. She can either come willingly, have fun, and get to be a part of her siblings' lives as well as her father's or she can punish herself by being pouty and lonely. Her choice.
He shouldn't let her walk all over him like that. Nine year olds should not be making such parental decisions.
I have to agree...My skids
I have to agree...My skids are 9...dad calls the shots..
We always say that they may not want to come here when they
are teenagers..
But she is 9 now...not 19..
Maybe some outside help would be useful..
Good Luck