6 months & I'm ready to call it quits
Forums:
ss10 lives with dh & I. EVERY SINGLE ARGUMENT dh and I have is about this child and his rules (or lack thereof) or bm! DH makes decisions based on the fear that bm will file a contempt order again. She already filed one that dh is 100% not guilty of but dh still f'ing panics for no reason!!! Im at my wits end. I can't do this another 8 years.
What types of decisions? How
What types of decisions? How are they related to the court order?
Mustang1: She filed contempt
Mustang1: She filed contempt w/5 counts.
1) "Stepparents shall not be involved in the deicison making for child". Guilty as charged - I do decide if he has eggs or oatmeal for breakfast. Ridiculous.
2)"mother shall be notified of childs extracurricular activities so she can attend". We have the emails and texts to prove that dh has notified bm of soccer games & cub scout activities so we have NO idea where shes getting that.
3) "mother shall be notified of childs routine medical and dental visits". ALL of the visits he's had in the past 6 months have been sick visits. Not routine.
4) "when father is unavailable for an extended period of time, mother shall have first option in caring for child". Dh is out of the house literally 4 hours when he works - that's an EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME? Additionally, bm doesn't spend time with this kid, it's her insane parents that pick him up, bring him to their house & drop him off home. She is on disability, etc etc.
5) "primary residential parents shall not alter the parenting schedule without mothers consent". We also have the texts & emails that prove dh is not guilty of this.
cryingmama: There is an item in the decree that states "child shall have access to contact mother when he is in fathers home" or something like that. However, we have rules in this house. He may use the phone from 7am-730pm to allow for proper bedtime routine, homework, etc. Dh let child use phone at 9pm to call his mother for fear that he would be violating the order if he didn't allow the request. So i guess the assumption is that if child wants to call mom at 10pm, thats ok. 3am? sure. 5am? ok. midnight? of course!! It's teaching this child that we dont make the rules in our own house.
On #2, BM needs to march her
On #2, BM needs to march her own butt to the school and get the schedules etc... herself! What does she think you guys are, HER babysitter!!! She is a total lazy psycho isn't she?
Your problem, once again, is
Your problem, once again, is biodad and not necessarily the BM, even though she may be totally unreasonable and desires to eliminate you from SS's life. Your DH needs to tell the BM "my house, my rules" And yes there should be RULES!!
If your DH is not willing to back you 100 percent, then you need to either:
1. plan your exit
or
2. disengage (this happens to be much more difficult than planning your exit from the relationship)
EXACTLY Auteur!!!!! MY
EXACTLY Auteur!!!!! MY HOUSE!!! MY RULES!!!! EXACTLY!!!!!!!
In my opinion I would
In my opinion I would disengage. Like Auteur said it is difficult. I am still learning to disengage, I say that because my personality is one of caring and nurturance. My DH knows this and I'm sure that was a quality that he found to be beneficial for his children. I don't know how to put a link from step together to give you the essay of Disengageing. Kes sent it to me through my post on how to disengage and I found it to be extremely helpful. I gave a copy to my DH (with a letter from me) and I have a copy to help me stay focussed.
I am now working on being disengaged from the court drama too. It's all so difficult when you watch someone you love go through such irrational crap because of someone elses irrational behavior.
Can someone post the link for the essay on Disengageing?
Hang in there, we are here for you
I tell you....I understand
I tell you....I understand how you feel! After yesterday, I am so irritated! SS (a teenager staying with us) calls his mother and lies about being "sick and throwing up". DH asks me to go home at lunch to check on SS. SS does NOT in ANY way look sick and has eaten 4 DBL packs of Oreo Caksters, a plastic container full of spinach dip and chips, drank a bunch of Diet Coke and Lord knows what else.....DH asks me how SS was doing. I text him "I guess just fine, b/c he ate 4 DBL packs of Cakesters etc...... no response. After work Dh comes home and sees the empty carton on the counter and says he ate all of it? No, all but 2 packs. He talks to SS he lies and says NO! Just 2. DH tells me what SS said, I said no he didn't, he is lying! Then DH says well maybe he didn't realize that he ate that much :jawdrop: REALLY!?!?!?!? I Love my DH but I cannot believe that he said that!!!!! And did nothing about SS lying or eating and drinking EVERYTHING! NOTHING!!!! I LOST IT on SS and took care of it myself!!!!!!!! ALWAYS lies!!! And he was going to let him watch a movie with us!!!!! I told him NO! You can go to your bedroom!!!
We too just argue or disagree about SS, lack of rules, BM and SS doing whatever he wants...when he wants..even though DH has told him. SS says I will in a minute!! I tell him NO, you will do it now!!! Or it will NOT get done!!
Good luck!!! It is so frustrating and you know that you LOVE your DH very much! It is so stressful!
http://www.steptogether.org/d
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
This will continue until your
This will continue until your husband stands up for himself, and starts to be a fit parent to his child. Children need rules and boundaries, he is failing to do that. You as his wife need his support, he is failing to do that. His son is a liar, and yet he has chosen to ignore that, you as his wife went out of the goodness of your heart home from work to check on HIS son, and yet when you tell him exactly what you found, he ignores you and makes excuses for his son. As his son's behaviour worsens, and it will given the way dad is parenting him, dad will just make more and more excuses, till you finally walk out. Sorry, but you husband is a bigger problem here than your SS. You need to sort out what expectations you have from SS in YOUR home, what rules and boundaries there will be with your husband and he needs to stick to them and suport you or else your relationship suffers. Does he, do you for that matter want this to be the way it is for the rest of your life, it does not magically disappear when they turn 18, the manipulation from BM is then taken over by the Sk beause that is what they have learnt works.
1) "Stepparents shall not be
1) "Stepparents shall not be involved in the deicison making for child". = HELL NO! If he lives under your roof you have to have authority over him in order to be a good parent. If your DH doesn't want you making decisions regarding his child, then that would be a problem in the relationship. If you have court orders stating that you have no authority over what happens in your own house if ss is involved, then your DH needs to take it back to court & fight for you or you need separate living arrangements. It's not good for the kid to not have boundaries and know that he can step all over you. It's not good for you to know that a kid can do whatever he wants in your home as long as his dad is not present at the time.