Lie-abetes!
Hello all. I’m new to steptalk and stepparenting. DH & ex have been divorced almost 3 yrs. When they separated, SHTF! She made allegations of domestic abuse, engaged in alienation, and has really made effort to play any/all systems to ruin DHs life (including a solid military career). DH definitely had a hand in the marriage ending, but nothing on the level she took it. Now, seemingly, all that is over and in the past. Unfortunately, DH is still dealing with the repercussions of that whole dramafest in the relationship (or lack thereof) with his child. As if that isn’t enough, she constantly lies to us about various things.
She sends these long texts about how we all need to coparent, be on the same page, and (her fav phrase) move forward. DH and I truly want to have a healthy coparenting relationship with her/her SO, but her constant lies have put a block in the road. We are both laid back & understanding, but this is ridiculous. When I’ve caught her in lies, I’ve tried to question things in a way to give her the benefit of the doubt. She’ll completely ignore my inquiry and avoid anymore conversation about it. I can understand white lies, or even lies to protect something...but she tells some pretty bold face ones. A couple examples: That she has a bachelor’s degree, not true. She asked DH to help pay for a prescription ($220) for their son—saying his pediatrician wrote it in her name so she could bill it on her insurance for a medication that isn’t even prescribed for kids. DH changed jobs, and was in the waiting period for insurance. She also lies about the actual costs of stuff. It’s constant and I can’t work with someone who is so deceptive! I told DH that for us to make any progress with coparenting, he has to confront her with the lies.
The coparenting relationship we have with DS’s dad is completely different from the catastrophe with her. I’m just not accustomed to this nonsense! So, what would y’all do? Do you confront her? Say nothing? I’m at a loss. TIA!
(P.S. I am probably going to be asking for a lot of advice. My poor SS doesn’t stand a chance if things aren’t sorted & changed!)
I would not be and was not
Welcome!
I would not be and was not involved in any kind of coparenting with BM. That's DH's job. I honestly think I said hello to her 5 times in 9 years and that's it.
Let DH deal with the crazy woman he married, not your problem.
Confronting her will not fix
Confronting her will not fix her mental problems.
DH should only pay for stuff specified in the CO, and only after he either receives a receipt, or he should pay the provider directly after seeing a legit bill for services rendered to the child only. All commincation should be in writing only. If she wants to claim she's the Queen of England, ignore her, who cares.
No don’t confront her!!!!!!
No don’t confront her!!!!!! Just let her be- she is annoying and a liar but just keep it in your own head. You guys have gotten ahead right now with the alienation so I would just let it slide. You will not win anything by confronting these kind of people- it won’t matter to her and all she will do is make your life hell.
This is my husbands exwife
Hubby has not met or communicated with her since the divorve 11 yrs ago
she kidnapped their 2 daughters 6 yrs ago and mid last year had sd22 re-initiate contact and drilled into hubby mum has changed she is a changed woman we know she lied blah blah blah but grt over it and we wanna be a family and then do a complete 360 and say we can’t be a family because mum said you did blah blah blah and see witch doctors and do voodoo crap... mmmm few secs ago you just said mum is a total serial liar, now the crap she spews is liquid gold-the truth??
bio mum had eldest sd forward her message (an apology), it wasn’t an apology. Just random vague wavering statements about shit!! She claimed we had to do this for the sake of the kids, we need to move on. Biatchhh is cray cray and hubby never responded...
bio mum called my elder sil to do the same spew and claim she loves me that i’m so great and i love her son like my own... woahhhh “who the eff ever said or implied i love your son like my own??? Are you friggin kidding me??”
i want nothing to do with this boy, heck hubby wants to move away from him since he’s an adult. He is ride, disrespectful and abusive and thoroughly enjoys this power he feels from dishing that out...
bio mum made it like i did the same amazing job as her and being remotely compared to her uggghhhh! She has never been a mum or wife....
we ignore her, i refuse to meet skids and do not attend any of hubbys family events they will be at as they do not respect boundaries
She sounds personality
She sounds personality disordered. At any rate, your H knows he can't believe anything she says, so strong consistent boundaries are a must:
Basically, your DH needs to set up his own systems for parenting that function independent of BM. He also needs a tight, very specific CO. He bred with her, and he is the one who must deal with her. Don't get sucked into doing things for him.
Co-parenting only works with
Co-parenting only works with with normal people. Your DH's ex does not qualify.
Nothing wrong with parallel parenting. It can be much healthier for all including the children.
Thank y’all! I normally do
Thank y’all! I normally do not communicate with her, except for a brief few months. Lesson learned. DH only communicates with her as little as he can. He’s much wiser than me lol Their divorce and custody stuff is one of the oddest I’ve ever witnessed. The divorce was granted without custody being sorted. There’s only an interim order ATM that specifies the visitation & weekly phone calls. We actually live 8 hours away from them, so the distance/out of state stuff complicates things. He has not been ordered to pay anything, but still sends child support each month (via bank transfers so it’s documented). I do believe parallel parenting will be his only option, but until he gets a final order she has to be involved in everything.
The relationship with his son is virtually nonexistent. We’ve pretty much accepted that it either won’t happen, or not until the boy is an adult. It’s sad because SS refers to me & my children (including his half sister) as “dad’s other family.” BM said to DH the other day that the child feels like his dad chose “his other family” over him, yet the kid doesn’t want his dad in his life (as told by BM & his remarks to the psychologist/eval). Damned if we do, damned if we don’t.
My ss referred to me as a stranger
as the reason why he couldn’t acknowledge me with a basic hello and why he ignored me and our 2 toddlers (his half siblings), so if i’m a stranger so are our 2 kids and this angered hubby so much.
all 3 skids make no effort to maintain a relationship with their dad, hubby is the one doing it but they claim to wanna play imaginary happy family, hubby said he wants to spend his days off work with all his kids and wife. That the skids were perfectly capable of coming to our home and we should not be made to go out everytime. I guess we were all not important because its been 9 months since sd’s met us, they have never come to our home and its been over 2 yrs since ss talked to me..
i am disengaged from them and hubby knows i want nothing to do with his kids and he understands
I'm confused - he's been
I'm confused - he's been divorced for 3 years, but there is no custody order, and no child support ordered? That's very strange. Was he ordered to pay or is he doing that on his own?
It's hard to undo alienation from 8 hours away. How old is your SS?
That is correct. One of the
That is correct. One of the many WTFs to this clusterfuck. He is paying child support willingly. After the 1st court date, the lawyers were trying to gather all of their financial docs...but for whatever reason she wouldn’t provide hers. I thought it was pretty weird considering she is asking for CS. DH is the one who kept pushing the lawyers to get that squared away to no avail. We finally decided on an amount to send so that he could do his part in providing for his son.
SS is 13 yrs old. DH and I have come to the conclusion that a relationship with SS will be unlikely, at least until he’s an adult. He has a very close bond with mom, and DH was frequent gone while he was in the military. Almost immediately after she left, she was able to get military POs issued so DH was not allowed to contact SS for 5-6 months. With that, I can see why SS would believe everything he was told. In almost 3 years, there has been very little progress towards any rebuilding a relationship.
My bio son’s father and gf traveled 1200 miles to spend their vacation with us, if that hints to have drastically different my personal exp has been with coparenting.
That's the weirdest thing I
That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard. Normally the divorce is not finalized until that stuff is sorted.
Yes, he's wise not to fight too hard to see his son. Send him cards, emails, texts, whatever he thinks will get through to him, reminding him that he loves him and wants to see him. Once the kid is old enough to have a voice, it's an uphill battle.
Bare her ass on each and
Bare her ass on each and every lie. Make that your MO with her. She lies, you confront her.
Eventually she will either stop the lies or .... she will crawl under her rock and stay there.
Either way... you win.