My marriage is WONDERFUL...Until SHE comes home. I just don't get it!
I am new here...so here is a background...
I have been married to my DH for 5 years. I have two SD's...ages 14 and 11. I also have a BS who is 9. We have joint custody of our kids, and we have them 50% of the time. They all come home on Friday and stay until the following Friday when they go back to their other parent's house.
Things were good in the beginning. And then it all changed. I have NO relationship AT ALL with my DH's family - His mom, dad, and sister do not recognize me as DH's wife because they do not believe in divorce (I am my DH's 3rd wife). As my 14yo SD gets older, she has emotional outbursts. Often times accusing me of stealing her things (which I have not) or going through her room (I go in there to retreive MY things). I noticed a huge change in her when her friend died of Leukemia, and then her grandmother passed away several months later (whom she was NOT close to at all). She has just seemed so sad. I also lost a friend at her age, and I have tried to reach out to her, but she pushed me away. We even ended up in a screaming match on her birthday last year because she was being disrespectful and nasty to me.....and my DH allowed it to happen. I lost my cool because I was mad at him. Anyway, now, when she is supossed to come home, she makes it a point to stay ALL WEEKEND at a friend's house, which my DH allows. He does not even call her friend's phone to check in on her. This past weekend, my DH called her on her cell phone and said he was coming to get her, and she PLEADED for him not to pull up to her friend's house. When she got in the car, she started yelling at my DH that he should have given her an hour warning. WHAT?!!! She is 14 and WAAAYY to big for her britches to DEMAND when and where her "taxi service" picks her up at!!! I pointed this out to my DH, and told him that this set off red flags for me. He was not even concerned. His "princess" is a good kid and would "never" do anything other than what she says she is doing. YEAH RIGHT!!! Then last night, she was late for cerfew and then smarted off to him when he punished her for it. He took her phone and computer away for today...but then he GAVE IT BACK TO HER LAST NIGHT!!!! WHAT?????!!! Did she really learn ANYTHING from that???? He even slept on the couch last night because he doubted himself for punishing her. And he's agry at me becuase I suggested he get her in to see a councelor. He is also afraid that if we are too hard on her, she will rebel. So, she gets away with EVERYTHING!
I am furious....but I have decided to disengage...she's HIS kid.
Since my DH and I have such a good relationship other than when it comes to his LACK of parenting, or whenever SD14 is around. When she is home, he bows down and does everything she asks him to...even spending HOURS in her room talking. I feel sorry for my SD11. She is a good kid and she just wants her daddy to be proud of her. I do not exist every other week when SD14 is home, and I LITERALLY count down the days until she leaves again!
I used to want another child...I still do...just not with my DH. I find myself thinking what if I could have made my first marriage work? I know it's not right, but it does make me wonder.
Nowadays, I spend most of my time trying to convince myself why I have to stay in this marriage. Things are not going to change. And, will disengaging really work? I have decided to do this, and I feel like my family is falling apart. I signed up for all of us to be a family, not to be the maid and the occasional "stress reliever". I feel as if the wool was pulled over my eyes from the very beginning. Financially, I can't leave.
Sorry for the long post...
You only have kids half the
You only have kids half the time. That gives you two weeks a month just the two of you.
Let DH handle his kids. Period. Don't tell him what he needs to do or not do with her. If she yells at you, walk away. Just ignore it.
Otherwise, you'll always be fighting with him over her.
DO not apologize for your
DO not apologize for your post being long... This is one site that has helped me not go crazy! I walk in your shoes every day. When my sd comes to the house I go from a friendy spunky girl to a quite nothing to say snappy person....my husband has even commented on how my mood swings change when she comes or if I even know she is coming.
I do disengage, but it just makes me mad. I watch how he treates her like she is perfect, but yet I also watch how she manipulates him, how she lies to him, but yet comes off sooo innocently. I sometimes walk up to my husband and ask him if he is an idiot? Of course, he then gives me this rehearsed speech on how she is diffent and he cant tell her "no" because he doesnt want to loose her.
He doesnt realize she is just out to get what SHE wants...heck shes 14. They all do and say stuff they dont meen. Its the parents place to correct them so they will grow up and be someone...not a statistic. I hope you find the anwsers you need. But, know you are not alone!!
I totally agree with you...we
I totally agree with you...we have SD11 all the time so we don't get the luxury of every other weekend. She has no respect for privacy so alone time for DH and I only comes when she goes to a friend's. I find myself longing for the times she is not there. When she isn't there I actually feel comfortable in my own home and I can talk to my husband without someone so jealous of me that feel the need to constantly interrupt. No date nights for us because she pitches a fit and tells her father that she never gets to see him..."I miss you daddy! Please don't go without me" Which is not true..he spends a lot of time with her.
jojo I think we are living
jojo I think we are living mirror images of each other. I live for the time my SD11 is not at home. She is a nasty manipulative little witch, and my DH also says she is special and should be treated differently because she had a hard life with her BM... SIX YEARS AGO! After living with the two of them I understand why people turn to drugs and alcohol to cope! Good Luck with your little monster...
I would actually consider
I would actually consider leaving if I were you. He is creating an extremely unhealthy situation, and there is no reason you should spend half your life as the maid for him and his bratty daughter. You signed up to be a wife FULL TIME.
Sometimes there are situations with the kids that upset me, but DH is always understanding and would never yell at me in response to something I did with the kids. He is also extremely invested in making sure they are polite and respectful people.
If you are at the point you are fantasizing about a past relationship (and wanting another child) I would ask yourself if this relationship is worth the hassle. Also, are you actually in a relationship at this point. What is DH doing for you when SD is around? Or do you just cease to exist.
He signed up to be a husband full time, too, and it does not seem like he is holding up his end of the bargain at all.
SD14 is going to rebel anyway
SD14 is going to rebel anyway that is what teenagers do. Having a child that has rules and is taught respect for herself and others is not being hard on her. It is raising a child to be responsible, caring adult.
Sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place with all of them. Time to disengage or to get counseling for yourself, so that you can stay sane.
I would be counting down the days too if I were in your situation. We have the skids EOW and Wednesday. I have my alone time on Wednesday and do something I enjoy by myself and SO spends the evening with them. Honestly they are good kids but I want my SO to myself and can't wait until they go back to crazo's on Sunday nights.
It is easier for me when they are not there. My SO is a great dad so he really enjoys the time he has with them. And it is worth it for me to have him all to myself except when they visit. But I don't deal with the disrespect that you do. It would be a deal breaker for me.
Sounds like my life, and
Sounds like my life, and sounds like my BF. We too have SS12 EOW and I hate those weeks. I am invisible as BF falls over himself to do absolutely everything with and for skid. It all gets turned around, and I am the bad guy. If I am around, I am taking valuable time away from skid. If I am gone, I am a bad person for not engaging the boy. I can't win. My BF also spends hours in skid's room just chatting. He spends so much money taking him wherever she wants to go. I look back at my childhood and can't imagine my parents asking me everyday...okay, what do you want to do today? movie, football game, golf, shop, eat out? Must be nice. This past weekend, BF spent the entire weekend pampering the kid, took him to a football game, 100$ tickets. Of course he couldn't take me, only two tickets....so sorry. Then he came home and rubbed it in my face how much fun it was. During the football game, that skid actually whined to BF that BF didn't spend enough time talking to him! What? Little brat. You have his undivided attention 24-7. He is your servant. What else do you want? Maybe get off your video game and come downstairs if you want to chat 24 hours a day. God knows daddy will be waiting for you.
True, I get every other week with BF solo, but in a away that makes me mad too. I know that the only reason he is even talking to me during those weeks is that the precious child isn't there, and everything we do together, I know he would be doing with skid if he could be. It causes a lot of resentment. It is so blatant. BF calls me every other Friday (at the end of skid week)at 8am, 5 minutes after the kid goes to school and to his week with BM. Tells me how he can't wait to spend time with me and how much he loves me. Sure, he throws me in the trash and pretends I am invisible for a week, but when he doesn't have his little buddy around, I guess I am a good sloppy second choice. How dumb does he think I am? I guess in truth I am pretty dumb, because I have been putting up with it for 3 years now.
These dads aren't doing these
These dads aren't doing these kids any favors by giving them such outrageous senses of entitlement! Kids need tools to navigate the real world. My parents were divorced when I was 12, when I would go to visit my dad we would do things like make lasagna together and watch made for tv miniseries. My 1st stepmother was an avon lady so she and I would make each other up and then "model" the looks for my dad. Family things, with no one left out.My parents were both far,far,far from perfect but they did do a few things right.
So...here's the update. My
So...here's the update. My SD14 wrote a letter to her Dad that I found in a notebook in her room. It was a letter pleading on him to leave me. It also stated information about a recent arguement that myself and my DH had. She apparently got the information from her mother. So, my DH has been telling ALL of our business to his first ex-wife. JUST GREAT! When I called him out on it, he lied. Of course. Fast forward to the next day and I am told that the doctor's have found a tumor on my kidney. When I came home, he was not there. The bratty SD14 had gotten into an argument with her stepdad at her Mom's house, and she hit him. So, naturally, she begged and pleaded to come to our house. When I got home from the doctor's, the house was empty. Then, my DH comes home with the SD14, and she immediately runs back to her room. My DH comes to me and says, "so, what...are you not talking to me?" I was in a daze at the information I had just been told. I just sat there. Then, he tries to pick a fight. I just sat there and started crying. Finally, I cut him off and just blurted out "I have a tumor". He stopped...walked over to me...put his hand on my shoulder and said that I would be OK. Then he went and hid out for the rest of the night. The next day, when I got home he asked me for a divorce and to be out of the house by the weekend....he had someone else moving in. I could not leave fast enough. He has already filed for divorce. Thankfully, I had another place to go to (the house I lived in before we got married - I had rented it out for the past 5 years), and this past weekend my friends and family pitched in to get me moved out. After almost 5 years, I learned that I was just as I thought...A maid, an extra paycheck, and someone to sleep with every now and then. He really had the wool pulled over my eyes. I am thankful that this did not last any longer than it did. I am crushed and will never be in another relationship again. From here on out...I am focused on my son.
I'm very sorry for everything
I'm very sorry for everything you are going through. Please take care of yourself.
You are better off -- it might not feel like it just this minute - but you are.
You are strong and
You are strong and intelligent for staying focused on you and your son. Be well and be healthy. Regarding the soon to be ex and his kids, pigs belong together rolling around in their own sh_t. Good for you for getting out before you got stuck in the mud any longer. What a giant DB.
Etcetra, Thank you for the
Etcetra,
Thank you for the kind words. My health is looking up...still don't have all the answers I wanted, but at least I know that the "tumor" is not a tumor, but in fact a cyst with a stone in it. It will not pass on it's own because it is lodged deep in my kidney. My doctor is going to watch it, and if it gets bigger, he will remove it.
I wish it was that easy for me to get DH out of my life. He made a HUGE mistake...he knows that. He has apologized repeatedly...I know that we have a lot of love between us, and he is still to this day my very best friend. I can't let go. We are currently separated and in counceling. It has helped me understand the way he felt when I told him of my medical condition. No...he didn't react the way he should have. He was scared too. Now I understand.
So...where do we go from here?
We are taking it a day at a time. We are working on our issues. It may not work out...but we have to try. Our kids do not know. We don't see the sense in yo-yoing them. If we get us fixed...then we will begin to work on repairing the relationships with the kids. it will be a long process for us, and it is not easy.
Teenagers are not easy....I am kinda liking the fact that I do not have to deal with the drama at his house so I can concentrate on getting better and working on my relationship with my DH. I work full time...go to school full time...then I would come home to CHAOS...then add my medical condition...it was TOO MUCH. I don't want to stay separated forever, but I have to get stronger before I can live with my DH and his kids again. WE have to get stronger. We know that. Only time will tell.
Friends and family are
Friends and family are wonderful aren't they? You will be ok and you and your BS will keep being good people and the world will love you because of it. I am assuming there is some significant medical stuff ahead of you and wish you all the best with that. Forgive me if this comes out the wrong way but sometimes life offers you a gift when you have to put your health.
I have an SD15 and live in a bizarre and sometimes deeply unhappy world 50% of my life. Best case I am detached to enable me to look after my 3 year old with my good heart and happy mind. I discovered this site a few days ago and am grateful to people like you are so honest here. Well done.
CDalla...this website has
CDalla...this website has been my saving grace. I am able to say how I honestly feel and have others underdstand me. You are right, we are so blessed to be surrounded by family and friends. As for my medical condition, there may be surgery in my future...the doctors are going to watch it for now. My DH and I have decided to remain separated for right now...we have not filed for divorce. We are working on understanding why our situation got to where it is. I love this man deeply...and there has been a lot of hurt. I am willing to give him a second chance....but with very cautious baby steps. Perhaps all of this happened for a reason...I know my eyes are wide open now...
I am so sorry you are having a difficult time. My only advice is that words can hurt, and sometimes people say things that they do not mean. Usually there is a hidden meaning there...recently, I have spent more time listening and reading between the lines. Teenagers are difficult. I pray that the relationship that I used to have with my SD14 and SD11 will one day be mended. I gotta concentrate on my health and my marriage first. It will be a long road.
Take care and keep us updated on you!
Broom... so much of what you
Broom... so much of what you posted, I've been through too with my DH. The fact that we're still living together is either a miracle or just finances. I have no where to go, or I would have gone dozens of times already. You deserve better.
we should all start a
we should all start a stepmother rescue place...where we can go when the sh*t hits the fan and get counseling, chats with other stepmoms... hugs, massages and a flower...how does it sound? kind of a real life version of this forum
broom....the biggest hug to you and be strong, dont get caught in anything but your own wellbeing and you son's
I'm in! the Stepmother Rescue
I'm in! the Stepmother Rescue Center sounds wonderful!