Jealous of girlfriend's daughter's real father Help!!
I'v searched around the Internet quite a bit but wasn't able to find a situation quite like the one I'm in so I figured I'd make my own post on this forum. My girlfriend has a 4 year old daughter who I love like crazy and get along great with. We all live together and we have a very nice little family (though we aren't married yet we are planning on taking that plunge soon). Even though I understand how great I have it, I still can't help but be jealous of my gf's ex when he calls to talk to her daughter (he lives 500 miles away and rarely comes to visit her, they go see him every 3 months or so). For whatever reason it makes me very upset to hear them both excited and happy to talk to him and it tears me up that I can't get over it. He isn't exactly a great guy but he does deserve to be in his daughter's life and I know it would be wrong of me to even try to stand in the way of that, I just don't know what to do. Also worth mentioning is that when my girlfriend and I very first started dating she went to visit family in the area she he lives (her family still lives down there) and she met up with him, they got to talking about their time together and she ended up sleeping with him. We weren't actually together at the time, we'd only been on a few dates but I can't help but feel that that has something to do with my feelings when I hear her voice sound so excitable when she talks to him. They haven't actually been together in 4 years. I just don't know what to do, hence the reason for this post. Any advice would be very greatly appreciated.
If there is a good
If there is a good relationship between your GF, her daughter and the ex, be thankful. Your feelings of jealousy are natural - and if your GF is being a bit over the top with the excitement in speaking to him - you could try telling her it makes you feel a bit jealous and ask her to tone it down a bit. Of course the sleeping with him when you started dating is probably weighing on your mind and you need to talk this through with your GF and get some reassurance that it was before your own relationship with her became serious, and that there is no chance of it ever happening again.
A lot of people on this forum have terrible problems with their SKIDS other biological parent, so it does not sound like a bad situation you have, just that you need to understand and accept your feelings and not feel guilty about them.
I did talk to her about it
I did talk to her about it right afterwards and she told me the reason she acts so excited is because her daughter doesn't always talk or get very excited when she talks to her her dad. Me bringing thus up to her made her a bit upset and she said she "Wasn't looking forward to him coming anymore" (he's coming to visit next week) and when I asked her what that meant she said she likes her daughter getting to see him which is ok I guess.
We've been over the whole thing between him and her several times and she always assurres me that she would never do anything like that again and that she loves me and is with me now and that's where she wants to be and I always think I'm over it until he calls again and she acts like that. I know I'm probably just reading too much into everything, I guess I just needed to vent.
This doesn't sound like you
This doesn't sound like you are jealous of BD's relationship with your SD but rather your GF's relationship with him. If she is overly chatty with BD on the phone, I understand your issue. Maybe couples counseling would help so that you can discuss your feelings with her & the two of you can work out boundaries that you are both comfortable with. Please do make sure that you know where the line is drawn between being jealous of your SD with BD or your GF with BD relationships...there's a HUGE difference.
My SO had difficulty seeing the difference between the two even though to me, the differences are obvious...we had a lot of contention in our relationship early on because of the same thing. He felt that I was jealous of the BM/SKid relationship (which didn't and still doesn't exist) when in all actuality, I was beyond peeved about HIS relationship with BM (Nasty)...way OTT boundary free crappiness. Once he FINALLY saw where I was coming from, things settled down & things have been relatively peaceful ever since then.
Beings that your SD is only 4, your GF may need to talk to him simply to keep him up to date on what's going on. However, if the conversations go towards the personal life crap, that's where I would personally have a problem.
I live with my Skids (7 & 9) who are relatively good kids...my main issues are from BM's & many here have great relationships with their SKids but not with BM...so there are a lot of rants on here about the bio-parents...you've found the right place
Welcome to Step-Talk!
I think it's natural to be a
I think it's natural to be a bit jealous, and that's OK. This man will always be the father of that child, and there's nothing you can do to change that. Like Kes said, be very grateful that the three of them still have a good relationship, because it really does make things so much easier.
Being that you know she slept with him when the two of you started dating, my guess is that she was open and honest with you about it, and that's a good thing. If she was able to talk to you about it, chances are it was a one time thing. More than likely, she was feeling confused about her feelings for you and sleeping with him may have been a subconscious way of testing those new feelings and making sure any old feelings for the ex were gone. Sounds crazy I know, but I've got to admit that I did something similar once, and that was the only explanation I could come up with after sitting there asking myself, "why the heck did I do that???"
It also probably doesn't help
It also probably doesn't help that I badly want a child of my own, but I know we won't be in the position to have one for at least 3 to 4 more years. Maybe I'm just jealous of what this guy has because I know I feel like he doesn't deserve it. My gf's daughter is an amazing little girl.
Maybe I'm just jealous of
Maybe I'm just jealous of what this guy has... That should say "had." He doesn't have it anymore, you do. Try looking at it that way
Good point, I try to keep
Good point, I try to keep that in mind but it's tough to love this girl like a daughter as I do while constantly being reminded I'm not. I mean it's not going to stop me, it just makes me think you know?
If it's any consolation, my
If it's any consolation, my second stepdad didn't come into my life until I was 12. Yet, he's the one I think of as my Dad. He had such a huge influence on my life and taught me so much. He's the one who was there for all of the really important stuff. Taught me how to swing a bat, how to cook and clean, how to drive and work on my first car, walked me down the aisle, visited me every day when I was home pregnant, was there for the birth of my two sons, helped me buy my first house. My stepdad means the world to me, and not because of blood, but because he's the one who was always there for me.
your not alone in your
your not alone in your feelings. For a long time when FDH and I first got together I couldn’t stand it. I have never been married and have no kids so to me I don’t communicate with my ex's so when he did it every day it hurt. I was crying almost every night when he would be on the phone with her and his kids. He never knew that. Things changed for us when she found out that we were getting serious about being together she snapped. She is completely insane to the point of bashing in my head light, and harassing me at work. I told him how I felt about him talking to her on the phone every night and how it hurt. I know that he cares about his kids and that they are his life but he also realized where I was coming from and we both worked out a plan that worked for us. We have different situations yes. But you might try talking to her about it. Communication is key; at least for my FDH and I, we don’t make any choices with out talking to each other, it has helped so much with problems that have come up. Somethings have lead to fights but we don’t give up. Your future wife may not realize just how much it hurts you because she isn't in your shoes. It is hard to realize how someone else is feeling when you have never been put in a spot like them. I wish you good luck.