I'm new here, but need someone to talk to who understands my situation.

I am 29 with a 4 year old bio daughter. I've been in a serious relationship for the last 5 years with my boyfriend who has a 12 year old daughter. They were the 18 year olds who had a baby and thought marriage was the best thing to do..from both sides they werent happy. There was infidelity on her behalf and they decided it was best to end the marriage. His ex moved out and immediately moved in with another man with 4 children of his own. We lived separate for a over a year after the separation until we were sure the kids and family were ready. My childs father moved across the country and is not involved with his daughter much, so he's pretty much out of the picture. Things were civil with his ex and their family, we all got along and my boyfriend even watched his exes new "stepchildren" when needed, joint birthday parties here and there...

We all agreed that even though neither was remarried, it was easier on the kids to refer to us as stepparents because it sounds so much better than saying "my moms boyfriend or dads girlfriend". I'm very close with my stepdaughter. She is with her father and I 3 nights a week and every other weekend, split 50/50 with her mother...so we do spend a lot of time together. We are big on game nights and doing things together with our kids when we are all together. My SD is a fun child and we really do have a great relationship, I never thought I could love another's child as I do her. I treat her with the same respect and love as I do my own. My boyfriend is a wonderful father who has his child the same amount of time her mother does, he assumes her health insurance and splits all her clothes/school supplies 50/50 without question.

Now her mother is in a relationship with a man with 4 children from a previous marriage. I see her relationship with his kids when we pick up SD on our weekends, when we talk, visit etc..she treats them as her own, makes lunches when they're with them, buys them occasional clothes, necessities, even kisses them on the lips goodbye (this irks me to no end but not my place to say) The point of all of this is, she is extremely jealous of my relationship with her daughter. She does not like hearing what we did at our house when her daughter was here and SD is complaining to me that her mom doesnt want our names mentioned in her home. The topper is, mom is getting remarried. So you have 4 stepchildren, moved in with them immediately after moving out, you do nothing different than I do...so why do you hate me? Your daughter loves you, tells you and everyone else how cool you are, so you know your daughter loves you. Why do you need to log onto your childs Facebook and pretend to be her? Oh yes, she told her daughter she was not allowed on Facebook for the weekend for a punishment(which I agree with removing her from Facebook, not arguing mom's rules there) but she actually changed her location to her house, not both as the child listed previously, removed all pictures of our side of the family, even posted a status as her daughter saying she was so excited for her mom's wedding and that she loves them both. She even responded to my comment on a picture as her daughter. It is her daughters Facebook and she is mom so rule away, but to pretend to be your child for what reason?!! It sounds petty, but it makes me crazy! Is she begging for attention? Trying to make us jealous that we aren't married yet? I'm in no rush..we are happy and I'm not one for rushing a good thing! I just don't understand why this is all happening all of a sudden. We were civil, we all moved on and blended new families. Why is she putting me down to her child and telling her child she doesn't like me?? When my boyfriend talks to her about their child, she never says there is an issue in our home that she is concerned for, she tells him she has no issues. She made it clear that she wants to work together on punishments/mutual rules for their child but lately she is making her own MAJOR decisions for the child and not mentioning anything to her father...one being drastically and semi-permanently changing her daughter's appearance with no prior warning/consultation with her father. He was unaware until he picked her up...she is not a single parent!! My daughters father lives across the country and even though he helps very little I still consult him on big decisions. I just dont get it.

I am very clear on my role, I'm not SD's mom. I dont want to be, I want to be there for her when she needs me and have her respect my role as an adult in my home, I enforce rules and I can be that ear to listen when you may not feel comfortable telling a parent. I dont have a say in how they raise their child, but I enforce their rules and enforce mine in my home if they are reasonable. I just don't understand why I'm the bad person here and why she is acting like single mother when in reality, she is in the same boat as I am. Her soon to be husband's ex is not fond of her, she was in a relationship with him while he was married, hence the fast move out/move in situation.

I don't think any of this really makes sense, I just need someone to talk to. I keep hearing it gets easier when the child is a teen and SD is fast approaching that. i dont fear she will ruin the relationship with me and my SD, I actually fear that she will ruin her relationship with her daughter!