Getting really anxious about SD's first meeting with our Bio Son
I am trying really hard not to start a blow up which is next to impossible with my IL's. SD has not yet met our 3mth old son, bc of behavioral problems and her acting out. This child (3) does not get along with any other kid, I have never seen anything like it, her BM has a new boyfriend with a child the same age as her, and she "hates" him, she has shoved a friend's 1yr old down for no reason. For some reason the IL's don't see any issue with this, even tho she knocked the 1yr old down right in front of them, bc he got too close to her I guess. She also told me while I was still pregnant that she "didn't like baby", again they saw no issue. I know they are planning on seeing if they can get her this weekend someday and want to bring her over without telling anyone (which btw violates the CO that BM got against DH).
They seriously have the common sense of fruit flies. SD isn't a big kid and they think it is fine for her to hold small babies completely by herself while they stand back. My son is very wiggly and I am terrified she will either drop him accidently or hit him bc she gets annoyed.
I really want to speak to them calmly, but I am so non confrontational that I am getting queasy just thinking about it bc anything I say that's not about how wonderful SD is they immediately jump down my throat and start going off saying how "she is my son's half sib and that there is no way THEY WILL let me get away with trying to keep them away from each other". I am not trying to do that and honestly if she behaved better I would not have an issue with it, but when she is so blatantly jealous and acts out even when adults are present it worries me. SD was around my SIL's baby and kept having a fit bc he has a toy that says his name and she started SOBBING bc it didn't say HER name and said she wanted one that said her name, so of course MIL & FIL are going out to get her the identical toy that is aimed for kids 6mths-18mths btw. I really don't want my child picking up these type of horrible habits and thinking that that kind of behavior is ok. I don't know what to do when no one else wants to acknowledge that there is something not right with her, besides myself and DH.
Please tell me I am not crazy for being concerned!
I don't think you're crazy at
I don't think you're crazy at all. It's a valid concern.
Where does your DH stand in all of this?
When I had DS, SD was 5 almost 6. She had ALL of the behavioral issues you talk about. The only thing that helped me deal with it was the fact that DH was not naive, and he kept MIL in her place. MIL had and has concerns about how I would treat SD after DS got here...So she was extra critical of me...She tried to say something to me ONCE, and I shut her down...AND I had DH's support. Those are the only things that kept the ILs from worrying me to death...
Also, since DH is aware of SD and her issues, he was VERY protective of DS when it came time to meet him, which was when DS was like 4 days old...
DH talked to her about him all the time...He told her what was expected of her...Told her what she was responsible for doing, etc...etc...
When DS finally came, I was a nervous wreck with her being around him...She did some mean things to him (he didn't know it), that DH constantly nipped in the bud...
Now that DS is almost 2, they totally love each other. She sees herself as the "big sister". It's a cute and stuff, but we keep our eye on her at all times...
Your feelings are warranted...Talk them over with your DH and make sure he supports you and acknowledges your fear...that's important...
Thankfully DH is also on my
Thankfully DH is also on my side. He will put his mom in her place pretty quick, so MIL will come over with FIL and SIL when he isn't here so I am essentially outnumbered. I hate it, and feel totally ganged up on. When SD is around all of us, DH will discipline her and she will run to FIL and he will coddle her and say something like "Aww is daddy being mean?" and she'll whine and fuss and say yes and they will actually tell him to apologize to a toddler!! :jawdrop:
It is 100% my IL's who are the problem, I know that FIL is gunning for a pic of SD holding my son, which I've already said isn't going to happen unless DH or myself is holding our son, while she sits next to him. FIL rolls his eyes when I say that and I am worried he will just put my son down on SD unless I am watching like a hawk and even then Idk. It drives me nuts bc he seems to have no respect for my opinion as my son's mother and it's like he knows best and will do what he wants to do. For example if FIL is holding my son and he cries, he won't give him back to me, and short of me trying to physically take him back from him I don't know what else to do.
Its really good your DH is
Its really good your DH is supportive of you.
I recently read your other post regarding your concerns of sd, access, BM, the RO and your son/PIL.
Firstly, I think its a REALLY bad idea that your DH is allowing his parents to bring sd over when this contravenes the RO. Your BM could legitimately haul him back into court over it I should imagine, and while I am sure DH misses sd (even if she is hard work and he hasnt bonded very well with her) and wants your son and sd to meet - I think he needs to consider you and DS before doing this :jawdrop:
Secondly, while its great your DH puts MIL in her place - allowing your PIL to dominate your home and how things are done are NOT acceptable. The fact they have insisted on bringing sd over, even if it breaks the restraining order and could put DH into legal trouble is seriously awful - do they not care about DH? Then they insult and disrespect you by claiming you are keeping the siblings apart, insist on sd - who is THREE - on holding a newborn (are they on smack or something?), undermine you and DH when it comes to sd AND refuse to give back your crying child?!!! :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
Seriously, they wouldnt be in my home. They wouldnt be given an opportunity to do even one of these things again and I wouldnt care what they said about me keeping the kids apart. If YOU dont want them in your home, and YOU dont want your sd to hold YOUR son then sorry they cant do jack shit about it. I would literally laugh in their face and ask them what they gonna do about it then?!
Honey, these people are using your good nature and guilt into manipulating you. It doesnt matter if they are DH's parents. They arent particularly good parents now are they? After all, would you put your son in a position when hes older whereby you engineered a situation where he could get into trouble with the law not to mention jeopardise access to his daughter when the RO finishes? It doesnt matter if they are the grandparents, they need to learn their place. They dont automatically get to possess your child and home, overruling any and all of your rules and what you are comfortable with in order to get what THEY want. They are putting your child in danger. A newborn has to be supported, a three year old (who doesnt know how to behave herself) wouldnt know that and if they DARED not give him back or just gave him to sd without permission I would flip out and consider violence. Its too late if something happened to your DS now.
Time to cut these people off I say. They will only get worse and god knows what will happen when DS is older and you cant watch what they are doing. Honestly, time to show them you mean business otherwise you will end up with serious issues and will feel like you are losing your mind!
You have no idea how much I
You have no idea how much I agree with you and have said the same thing to DH and my mom and dad, who are better parents to my DH than the IL's ever were! To answer your question tho, no I really don't think they care all that much about my DH to be honest. He has a younger sister who they do everything for, they still pay her car insurance even tho she is engaged with a child of her own, and it seems like no matter what DH does that he is clearly a second class citizen to them. He realizes it, he has known it for awhile and I know it bothers him, he barely talks to them, but he goes back and forth and if they tell him something sometimes he will still try to do what they want to please them, esp when it comes to SD.
They have total tunnel vision, he realizes he could get in trouble, so he doesn't ask them to bring her by. SIL called the other day and just told me that her mom and dad were planning on getting SD and bringing her over hopefully this weekend.
It makes me nuts, I want to do everything you said I should but I don't have the guts I guess. FIL has this arrogance about him, he can be super nice, but he can also be the biggest most condescending asshole I have ever seen and it's all hunky dory if you do what makes them happy. I know my son and my husband are the most important people and I will just have to work on standing up to them more. I am just glad to know that everyone here agrees that I am correct in thinking that they are the wrong ones in this situation so thank you all
Since you don't like
Since you don't like confrontation, you know what might work? Tack a little tasteful sign near your doorbell that says "New baby-No drop in visitors please" and then just don't answer the door. If they get assy about it, just say you and baby were napping.
I wouldn't let some Holy Terror toddler near my sweet papoose.
My SS has no behavioral
My SS has no behavioral problems and we never let him flat out hold our daughter. When she was born he had just turned 3 and we came home the day she was born and he got dropped off that night. When he'd ask to hold her, we'd say yes, but construct a whole chair of pillows that the baby would sit in and SS would sit next to it with his arm out under infants legs or head-once he showed he could be gentle.
I totally agree on not letting these people in your house unless you've got back up too. Let your SO be home to deal with his parents. I'm all about leaving a note on the front of the door too or telling them outright "Im really not up for company." If they press you about it just say something about breastfeeding issue and most people will just put a break on coming over right there!
Lilltemommy don't be home
Lilltemommy don't be home that day. That will solve a lot go to the store or to ur parents it home where but don't be home. Sorry u have to go through that but sounds like the easiest way for u is to not be home.
Well everyone I dodged a
Well everyone I dodged a bullet this weekend at least! SIL's son has a stomach bug and bc of that SD didn't get dropped off with them, I feel really bad saying this, but I have never been happier to know someone's belly was upset }:)