New user to the pack
Hello, In brief, my boyfriend was without his son for 9 years due to his ex moving away when she got married and the son was 2 years old. She told the son that her husband is his father. 2 years ago when she filed for divorce she told the son he had a biological father and this past April they were reunited and have been trying to establish a relationship. Court has not granted him more days due to "lack of quality of relationship due to short amount of time known to each other". So for now we only have 2 days with him a week. He enjoys being with us and we are teaching him healthy habits since he came to us at 150lbs at 11 years old. Right now I am having a hard time with him constantly parent splitting by saying "mom would like me eat all the candy I want, mom would let me eat the burger, etc." He is still struggling with the idea that his parents will never be together and resistance to me being in the picture even though my boyfriend and I have been together for a while and plan on being engage in the near future. I am a Marriage and Family Therapist and have made justification for what the son says and does because he has been traumatized and emotionally abused and scared, but there comes to a point when I just get too drained and I know the mother will not make things easier because she hasn't already. I am 29 and am starting out in this future stepparent role and I just find the son's constant negativity and parent splitting draining and frustrating at times. My boyfriend has been great and set up the boundaries that he is not to be rude or disrespectful to me because when he is working I am the one taking care of him. Note that my boyfriend's job is accommodating and he can have his son with him, but I know how he loves to swim so when I am done with my errands I would pick him up so he has time to swim and have fun until my BF gets home. I can see he is getting comfortable because he can speak so freely but that free speaking is turning into mouthing off and being disrespectful.
- Deekay's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Welcome New Pack Member
Thats a lot you gave in your first post! Obviously, there is much more to the story - its hard to summarize so much into just a few paragraphs.
Welcome to Steptalk.
A few things come to mind right away:
1. This is a fabulous place to vent frustrations and celebrate victories. As a therapist, I know you recognize the value in that.
2. Be glad that this step child is not a female - they tend to be even more clingy and competitive, especially if separated for a long time. Although Im surprised that the new SS is so clingy so fast - all this time during his younger formative years, you mentioned, he has had a father figure, although I am probably assuming too much - perhaps the child did not have the most positive relationship with the BM's exh.
3. You are only 29. After not having a Skid in your life, you NOW are getting to see your FDH in a role that you havent before - this will tell you how he will be as a father.
4. You need to remember - this child has two parents and you are neither one. His mother allowed him to wreck his health and he is using her as an excuse to battle you. This happens a lot, and at first you might be tempted to "fix" this child, but you must take a more hands-off approach, because namely, you are not the mother. He has one already.
5. This is your life and future that you are seeing. Can you live with the next 7 years being exactly like this? The mouthing off will get worse, it needs to be nipped in the bud. You will have the child trying to separate you when possible, can you deal with that long-term? I dont know all the details of how he has been traumatized, but there is a lot of work to do - is this what you want in your future????? At the age of 29, I assume you know your own mind, but this is a huge committment - its REALLY rough. I dont know that I would have taken this on myself, however I am 50, with no bio children of my own.
6. Read as much as you can, this site has much in the way of problem-solving and coping skills as well as deeper understandings of the step-life. Nothing reallyprepares you for this - there seems to be no "templates" for success and this type of family dynamic is NOT in the realm of "normal". Step parent/step child dynamics are not the natural set up. You have the responsibility without any authority. You can help and suggest, but cannot enforce.
Good luck and keep posting!
Thank you
HI,
Thank you for your response. I have thought about this long term and I knew of him since the beginning of our relationship and it's something that I'm not giving up on. We have had talks with him stating that I am not his mother and don't wish to replace her, but we did explain that when he is with us he still needs to listen to me. I always discuss with my BF first about my concerns and he usually talks to SS or we do it together. When BM's exh had children with another woman he basically said he can't take care of him anymore and dropped him off "like I didn't even matter" was what SS told us during a breakdown. To this day he still hasn't called BD Dad, he still uses his name. With regard to the health. SS had expressed to BD that he wanted to lose weight so he doesn't get made fun of at school for being heavier than his friends, so we have been teaching him about portion and health eating; he was with it for awhile but of course we can't control what BM gives him and he of course favors those food because it's what he's used to all of his life. We just continue to remind him that it was his wishes to lose weight and be healthier. We are an active couple so when he is with us he is not allowed on any electronics unless he has earned it and he has to be out and about with us.
Clarification
It sounds like you have a good and solid situation. You are just frustrated and drained?
Yes, Welcome to parenthood :D
Definitely in the right place.
yes!!!!!!
To be honest. This was just the first weekend that he has acted out like this. Mostly to test what we would do to discipline. Of course BD took care of that. I was just drained over the weekend. He has a lot of negativity in him and says a lot of sexist and inappropriate comments that takes time to teach him why the things he says were wrong. Ex. Women shouldn't have six pack they are weaker than men... not too sure where he is hearing this stuff from, but every weekend that we have him we are always talking to him about such comments and how he needs to think before he speaks.
The child is old enough to
The child is old enough to understand that Dad's house is Dad's (and SM'S) rules and Mom's house is Mom's rules.
What happens Mom's and what Mom allows isn't necessarily how things will be at your house. This isn't something that is unique to this child nor your SO's home . Al kids, t least until they adjust, compare homes and/or try playing one home against the other.
Bottom line is and remains that Dad and you are not Mom and no, kid doesn't get to eat all he candy he pleases nor burgers or whatever.
Don't let the kid whining over differences n house rules get to you. He doesn't have to like the differences, but he must respect the rules in each individual's parent's homes.
You can't change BM's ways, just like BM can't change Dad and your ways. If he gets mouthy with you, shut him down (or have his father).
I agree
HI!
Thank you for your response. I appreciate the insight. Yes, my BF has had plenty of conversations with him regarding which rules to follow when he is at which parents' home. This weekend has been the worse of the mouthing off where it was disrespectful to not just me but also to BD. He got his consequence and I am sure he didn't like it.
What has always seemed to
What has always seemed to work for me when my own kids tried testing boundaries was to ask them if they would say that / do that to their friend's mother. If the answer was no, then don't say it / do it to me.