Unhappy
Hi,
This might not be the most appropriate place to post this question since I am not married, but I'm hoping someone can provide some insight. Im 25 and I've been seriously dating my 44 year old bf for nearly 2 years. He has a darling 5 year old daughter that I get along with very well. However, his ex is controlling and wouldn't even let me see the daughter for the first year. They have shared custody, but he's hesitant to do anything that will make her angry because she'll make his life hell. We're very flexible with her and try to play by her rules, but I have a big issue with not being allowed to spend the night with my bf when he has his daughter. Although I'm younger, I'm very respectful and loving to his daughter. I feel like I'm not being let in. The divorce is kind of new. It happened right before I met him and I had nothing to do with it. I understand its a delicate situation and the daughter is most important, but I can't help and feel like the ex is taking advantage. The daughter has no problems with me. She's really young and likes me and thinks of me as a her friend and her dad's gf, but the ex freaks out and blames any small change in her behaviour on my bf and our relationship.
Am I being selfish to want this? Should I just go with the flow and wait for an "acceptable" amount of time to pass?
Thank you for any advice you can provide. The daughter's feelings ARE most important to me, but shouldn't my feelings count some too?
Oh my... To answer your
Oh my...
To answer your question, your feelings should count. But just as fyi, it's not the child's feelings that are being put ahead of yours, but the ex's feelings...hmmm...which means he is still allowing the ex to dictate his life...which means trouble and a long road ahead for you.
PS-you did't ask, but I will advise you to read through this forum to grasp the hell that many of us go through...Many of us wish we had ran for the hills
Your BF and his ex may have
Your BF and his ex may have agreed not have BFs/GFs sleep over when their daughter is present. My son's dad and I had this agreement. It had nothing to do with one ex controling the other. It was about the values we wanted our son to grow up with.
I agree that in this case it
I agree that in this case it sounds like BM is controlling, but it is also possible it is about values, etc. My SD was 14, just turning 15 when DH and I first starting dating, and DH made the decision that we couldn't spend the night together when she was with him. Mind you, he had already been divorced for 5 years and lived with another woman before me. After a few months, I did spend the night once when she was there, but DH and I did not sleep in the same bed; I slept on an air mattress in his living room! It took about 6 months before we openly lived together. When he was living with the woman before me, I think they were together for a year before she met SD. I'll bet it's common for the biological parents to want to make sure the relationship is serious and long-term before having sleep overs when the children are around.
On the other hand, my DH has cheated on me before our son was born, and if we were to split up and he were to move in with her, I'd be pretty biased against her and do what I can to block her from being around my son. Any (most) woman that he meets after we're done? I'd have to trust his judgement.
Oh jeez, my SD17's "perfect"
Oh jeez, my SD17's "perfect" bio-daddy went completely psycho when DW and I were first together. DW and "perfect" bio-dad did have a clause in their divorce decree about "no overnight visitors," so I was not allowed to spend the night if SD17 was there. I never once violated the decree, but that didn't stop "perfect" bio-daddy from staking out DW's apartment and trying to catch me. The first night that I spent there, after we eloped, "perfect" bio-daddy camped out in the parking lot with a video camera running all night, to "prove" that I had spent the entire night there. He called at 5:30 in the morning to gloat that he had "caught" us, but we just hung up on him. He sure was disappointed when he got a copy of that marriage license. Loser.
lol, my stepkids BM went
lol, my stepkids BM went crazy because they would come over for dinner and I'd be there with my DD2. They would leave and ask if I was staying and their dad would tell them yes. She was angry that we were having overnights that they knew about, even though they weren't there, lol. The stepkids are 12, 14, and 17. Of course, now that we are married and she is in full blown skank mode trying to latch onto someone who will marry her too, she has all kinds of disgusting trolls around the kids that she barely knows and who she only dates a couple weeks or months.
As far as your relationship goes, it kind of depends on the guy. He can totally take BM to court without paying a lawyer to ensure that he gets regular visitation, including half the holidays. That is his right. As long as he doesn't have multiple women in and out around the daughter all the time, the fact that you spend the night after being around for more than a year is not going to matter to the judge. If you can help him realize this and that he has rights, he can start to stand up to BM.
Thank you all for your advice
Thank you all for your advice and sharing your own stories. I don't think there is much I can do about it. My bf doesn't like my input on the matter especially when he feels like he can't do anything about it. He's adamant that the ex will not agree and it will only make her feel more like he puts his wants before the best interest of the daughter...which he doesn't. He just wants to have a life and take care of his daughter. He's very good to her and so am I. The days he/we have her, she's the center of attention and her happiness and well-being is the most important.
I do have one more question. I hope it's not offensive to anyone as it delves into the sexual aspect of my with relationship with my bf. Ill try to be as least detailed as possible but please dont read if it makes you uncomfortable. We have a very healthy sexual relationship (completely respectful to his daugter though. We barely kiss or touch when she's around). I enjoy being with my bf and rarely refuse him -- only if I feel physically unwell which is rare. However, I don't like being with him on the days I can't stay over. It doesn't make me feel very good about myself and only heightens the sadness I feel from not being allowed to spend the night. I don't like having to drive home alone at night to return to a lonely apartment when all I want to do is fall asleep in his bed with him after we're together. Would it be wrong to tell him I don't want to do anything sexual when I can't spend the night? Am i being too sensitive about the situation? Will I hurt the relationship by refusing him this?
Thank you again for taking the time to read my questions and taking the time to respond. I don't really have anyone to discuss these things with and appreciate it.
Honey, your too worried about
Honey, your too worried about his feelings and not enough about yours. This could very well be a reflection of the age difference but it worries me. Yes, you should explain to him how having sexual intercourse on nights you can't stay makes you feel and if he too puts his own wants ahead of you...then you know this nice guy is really just a jerk who doesn't care enough about you. I repeat others above - read as much as you can on this site, read STEP MONSTER, educate yourself now before it's too late. You are too young to get stuck in a terrible relationship that revolves around his child and his ex with your feeling not being important.
Honey, please re-evaluate
Honey, please re-evaluate this relationship. You seem like a really smart and sensitive young woman. You have your whole life ahead of you.
If you stay with this man, and all that he brings to the table a) guilty dad issues, b) possessive, controlling BM, you are in for a WORLD of pain. Trust me. We have all been there done that.
Don't be so willing to wrap your life around this man. Why should you be so accomodating for him. You are important enough on your own....he should be accomodating you, wrapping his life around you!
Please just think about it. Think about starting a life with someone without children...without the ex-wife.