What Have I Gotten Myself Into?
I have been dating the most wonderful man for almost a year now, and he and I have fallen in love and started discussing marriage! Now....the issues. His daughter and her mom. That sounds just horrible and judgmental, doesn't it?? His daughter is 12 and he and her mom have been divorced for six years. She lives sixteen hours away, so he only gets to see his daughter on major holidays and she spends 8 weeks with him every summer. I just got through the first summer with her here, and I have to say.....I almost packed my bags and walked out numerous times! She and her father have a very close relationship....and her father certainly tries his hardest to be a great dad, as it really stresses him out that he doesn't get to be a bigger part of her life. Only thing is.....he cannot seem to bring himself to tell her "no" about anything. She gets every little thing she wants while here....and mostly even when she is not here. When we drove to NH to pick her up and bring her back to SC for the summer, we stayed at his parents house a couple of nights. He bought her some "poppers", those harmless little fireworks you can throw at the ground and they make a loud noise. That night, he told her she needed to take a shower and go to bed, as we expected an early morning. She said no to the shower and wanted to go outside to pop the poppers. There was a crowd in the room, so he tried to stand his ground. She threw a massive fit. She called her mom.....her mom called him and said that the daughter said she was too tired to take a shower. So, he said....well, go straight to sleep then. No. She wanted to pop the poppers. She called her mom and started crying and the mom was actually ON THE WAY to come and get her!!! We were leaving with her the next morning for the 16 hour trip back! He went into the room where she hid out to make her phone calls and she threw another fit....you could hear it all the way outside. She said she didn't want to go with him for the summer.....of course, that brought him straight to his knees. He let her have her way.....and on top of that....he actually APOLOGIZED to her for getting upset at her!!! She popped her poppers and didn't take a shower! I was dumbfounded. These little things continued for the entire summer. And the worse for me was.....she was adamant about sleeping in the bed with him!!! I got kicked out of the bed for the first few weeks until I finally decided that enough was enough.....but she still slept there, I just slept in between them. This was very uncomfortable so I eventually just slept on the sofa. He didn't WANT to kick me out of the bed......but her tears certainly won out over our relationship. She also would sit in the front seat of the car all summer and me and my son would sit in the back. I also have a three year old son ( a tornado of energy!!!) and he is very far from being an angel....actually he is a very challenging child. The problem is......his daughter gets away with things that he does not allow my son to get away with. This hurts my feelings. I have tried to talk it over with him and it mostly just causes an argument.....so I don't know what to do anymore. The daughter is a very good child otherwise.....beautiful personality.....caring...all good stuff lies underneath the bad things she does to her father!! Her mother pretty much helps and enables her to do these things. He is riddled with guilt....and I feel horrible because I am the "new" person, expecting things to change. Am I being fair?? I feel horrible because now I absolutely dread the summers now.....I feel like I do not place first as his priority.....and then I feel guilty for wanting to be his first priority!! HELP!!
oh god-you are kidding right
oh god-you are kidding right about her sleeping with him? This is highly inappropriate-she is 12 freaking years old and he needs to watch himself or he is going to have some incest allegations thrown his way next time he doesnt allow her to pop her poppers. I would put my foot down and tell him that she is absolutely not sleeping with him and if he tries to justify it suggest to him that you can call your local child protective services and see if they feel it is good for a 12 year old daughter to be sleeping in her daddys bed every night. He shouldnt have a problem with this if he thinks there is nothing wrong with the practice.
I also would refuse to sit in the back seat. I cannot imagine. If she goes and tries to sit in it-I'd just say, no, the front seat is for the adults, the back for the kids. Of course, smile sweetly while you do so.
Next, I would plan lots and lots of activities away from your man while she is visiting. Perhaps you and your son can take an out of town vacation-or just go somewhere with him during the day. eventually he will see that you are excluding him and I would be upfront and tell him that while you think his dd is a lovely girl she is extremely spoiled and you dont enjoy spending time watching it nor do you want it to influence your son (and increase any behavioral issues he has).
Be careful about telling your
Be careful about telling your husband how you feel about his daughter. This kind of negative information, in my experience, is not to be shared. He is probably frustrated because he has no control over her. Try to angle all of your conversations as though you are sympathetic to his parenting issue and guilt feeling (which is causing his parenting issues) and brainstorm ideas with him. Don't give him too much of your opinion unless he is begging for help. Try to steer him toward finding his own solutions that work for everyone.
Pretty soon he may have issues with your son. Believe me, you will want him to treat you with respect and filter his negative feelings toward your son.
By the way I had the same thing happen to me... my stepson "called" the front seat one day while my husband and I were still dating. I addressed it in private and it never happened again, although I had to convince him that it was wrong. Duh?!
Yes....that is one thing I
Yes....that is one thing I do. I try my best to sound as "neutral" as possible. I have done a lot of thinking about this over the months since she has been here......and one thing that helps is to try to put myself in his shoes. If my son was taken 16 hours away from me and I was only able to see him a couple times a year.....what kind of things would I do that are similar to what he does? God forbid that happening because I would probably go insane if I couldn't see my little boy on a VERY regular basis. I would probably be even WORSE when it came to spoiling him and giving him what he wanted!! :sick: But the fact remains that it is not that way.....it is HIS daughter that lives so far away and he carries so much guilt that he is not in her life more. It is not that he won't discipline her at all.....after she is here awhile, he starts TRYING to put his foot down.....but then it gradually gets closer to the date that we have to take her back, and he becomes guilt-ridden, you can-have-anything-you-want Dad, again. She will be turning 13 soon and he is also afraid that she will no longer even WANT to come spend 8 weeks with him in the summer. At the beginning of this last summer, she was already expressing sadness that she wouldn't get to be with her friends at all during the summer because she was so far away. So that.....coupled with the little time that he has her....combines to make him an easy target! He told me after the summer was over, that he knows he messed up and he will never forgive himself for allowing her to put me out of the bed at first.....but she would throw such a fit about it, he said he would rather have eight weeks of giving her what she wants rather than eight weeks of a living hell that could possibly end with her wanting to go back home and never come again. I really feel for both him and her......so I try not to make it sound like a "personal attack" on either of them. Sometimes, though.....it just seems like you cannot possibly take anymore without either a.) packing up and leaving or b.) throwing up!!! SD gets along great with my son.....my son loves her dearly and begged for her for days after she left....and she and I get along fine when her father is not around. She even sent me a text telling me she loved me, over the summer and I was certainly warmer to her after that. I know she needs to feel loved and needed and wanted.....but there has to be a better way to do it and a way with more structure.....
This is wierd about the
This is wierd about the sleeping together. I am surprised BM is not all up in his face about that. You are in for years of pain and heartache. He will never stop being a disney daddy...
Yes, the sleeping
Yes, the sleeping arrangements were the hardest part for me. There is a bit of an explanation though, that may help clarify. When her mom and him split, she was only six or seven years old and so she was that young when she started spending summers away from her mom. Of course, she was scared to sleep alone, so she ended up in the bed with him. If I was told right, she even tries to sleep in the bed with her mom whenever possible, if the mom's boyfriend is not there. Problem is....this issue of being scared and not wanting to sleep alone should have been addressed long before she turned 12!! She will be 13 when we get her next summer.....and she is maturing fast....I will probably not be able to watch it happen like that again....I cannot see a thirteen year old in the bed with her dad...I just can't!! I felt bad for her because she truly does seem to have real night terrors......she fell asleep on the couch one night and he just decided to leave her there and let her sleep. She woke up at 2 AM screaming and terrified to move! I had to walk her to the bedroom! Maybe a small bed beside his and my bed would help.....that way she is at least not IN our bed. I don't know.
You sound like a nice sweet
You sound like a nice sweet person; I think you should get out. He probably is really great and loves you, but this is already set up with so many "flaws" in it, that it seems nearly impossible for it to get better. I may be wrong, I hope I am, but I really believe that you can find something better for yourself. Leaving is hard, but it only gets harder the deeper in you get.
The reason I encourage you to move on, is that even for me, with a DH that did none of that, that set clear boundaries with his daughter, that would never let her get away with something like that, that would never allow her to push me aside, never had me ride in the backseat even when SD insisted that she was bigger than me now....even with a DH like that, I feel like I barely survived. Add to that, our BM is very nice.
So, doing the math with what you told us about how she manipulates her dad, my conclusion is that it will be so incredibly hard....If he does not change ( very rare) then the best next thing for you would be to somehow remove her form your and your BF's lives, and that comes with it's own pain, regrets, guilt, probably drinking.
I wish I had better advice, but I am writing this whole heartedly.
Girlfriend, you've hopped
Girlfriend, you've hopped onto a train headed for a wreck. It's just a matter of time and number of casualties.
Don't feel guilty for wanting
:jawdrop: Don't feel guilty for wanting to be his first priority! You should be. It is you who is going be there long after his/your children have flown the coop and if you are not first, maybe it is time to reevaluate your relationship and where it is going. It is obvious to me your husband has some serious guilt issues over the divorce, which your SD has learned to manipulate to her advantage. If he doesn’t get it under control she will only get worse with time. I would talk it over with him and tell him how you feel and where you stand, be straight with him and lay it all out -Especially, about his daughter sleeping in the same bed and kicking you out of your rightful place in his bed. If he loves you and wants to make it work, he will take steps to change it. If not my prayers are with you and your children.
Thank you all....it really
Thank you all....it really does help to vent!!
I do not know what my next step should be.....but I do know that I love this man AND his daughter. We had ample time to get to know each other over the summer....and unless she is manipulating him, she is a truly wonderful child. She was never really disrespectful to me, per say.....and I don't know if she perceived sitting in the front seat or sleeping in his bed to be disrespectful to me. My BF is also a wonderful man......I have never known any other like him, we are the closest to "soulmates" that I could imagine anyone being. Thoughtful, caring and attentive. Every other day of the year.....he and I are each others top priority....but it's like his guilt is so bad when she comes for the summer, that she can basically walk all over him and of course....I take the "back seat" for eight weeks (pun intended!!). He is not completely unreasonable about it.....we have talked and argued over the whole thing. He says that he KNOWS he has done plenty of things wrong and he wants to change and do what is best for our relationship and the family as a whole.....but he says he just doesn't know how. I am absolutely certain he wouldn't just let me pack up and walk away....but I don't want to take it to that point because I don't want to chance resentment from him if I get my way by doing that. I have been thinking up solutions.....such as another bed in our room for her to be in if she is truly scared.....letting her go with her father ALONE more often so there has to be no discussion about whether or not she sits in the front seat.....etc. I may just have to bite my tongue and bear the eight weeks out of the year.....if that is the case, I will try my best. Hopefully, he will see what these things do to me AND his daughter and how it is NOT in everyone's best interest. All I know is......I came into this knowing that blending families is hard. It just helps to vent!! But I believe, with all my heart.....that he is worth it!
I can honestly say I feel
I can honestly say I feel you. I sort of been in the same situation. DH has a ten year old that is more like a seven year old. I have two boys myself but they don't live with us right now. I can not remember the last time neither of my boys slept in the same bed as mine. When I met DH ... the way he was with his son stole my heart. He and bm have shared custody but he did and still does more like 80/20... We used to lived in different towns about two hours away... and being a teacher gave me more freedom to spend every day off in his town and of course we took turns on the weekends. My boys lived with me up to that point. At first I thought he had sole custody... I figured he was a single dad. His son... I fell in love with him too when I first met him.
Last year's summer was kind of a rude awakening for me though.. I noticed his son wanted to sleep in the same bed as us... at first I was a little surprised but when he let it happened again... and again... to the point that I would leave the bedroom... needless to say I was really upset. I was extremely uncomfortable I am a woman with "woman parts" ....
His ex and I became friends, at first. Until last January he decided he wanted to change things... he wanted to be with me ...get married and have a family...so we thought that maybe his ex would allow him to move two hours away with his son. Well that was the start of a new nightmare. All I can tell you is that we did get married... I am crazy about him.. and he's a great guy... but he has this major thing going on... he feels guilty and he doesn't have a good relationship with his dad... so of course it doesn't help.... so he overcompensates every chance he gets. His son spends every day with him even on bm's "weeks" he picks him up from school until about 6pm.. then bm picks him up... However, I have spoken to him and things do seem to be changing very slowly... It takes patience that at times I don't feel I have. My advice talk to him.. be positive... seek counseling if you have to. He needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible.. sometimes we don't know how much harm we are causing our children but believe me.. he is. His daughter is way too old.. and I have heard so many horror stories... tell him a friend of yours told you.. but the moment bm gets a whiff of that new piece of information she will and could use it against him. Hang in there... do not give up the front seat... he needs to show his daughter that you are the wife.. and it has to start now... talk to him... try to be positive.. tell him how much you love being with him... and how you are looking forward to getting to know his daughter... be honest but be tactful. I hope this helps....
Newbie.... :O :O