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Reluctant Step Mum

Very Reluctant Step Mum's picture

I am new to the site and am encouraged to find others are not keen on their forced role of step mum.

My husband has 2 kids, a girl 20 and a boy 11. They are nice kids and clearly well brought up. I will be the first to admit I really do have it easy. They do not live with us, in fact they live in a different country and I don't see them a great amount of time. I have taken the 'friends' approach and have zero accountability or involvement regarding their upbringing.

His daughter is immature, lazy, money grabbing and incredibly vain. His son just craves his Dads attention 24/7 when with him, which is understandable and its obvious to all he misses his Dad a great deal.

My problem is despite loving my husband to the end of the earth, I do not feel the same about his kids. I just see them as an expensive irritation and do not like sharing him. My husband works away for 6 months of the year so our time is limited and very precious. I do not have kids so he is my soul focus in life. In the time period 20 Jul to 7 Dec, I will see my husband a total of 39 days.

I clearly appreciate and respect that when we met he had kids and his youngest is at a critical stage in his life and they do not live close to us.... but it does not mean to say I have to like it when he leaves me to go visit them. You may suggest going with him, but I do not have the flexibility of time as I work and I really DO NOT want to spend my holiday with another persons kids.

What I cannot manage is the feeling of resentment (rightly or wrongly) I have towards them and how I just cannot bring myself to want to afford them any time. I have no interest in them. I am not looking for judgement on this website, as I am not saying I am right in my thoughts, I am just being honest with them. I hope that venting and sharing may make me feel better to cope with the irritation I find hard to deal with.

Very Reluctant Step Mum's picture

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CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

I understand what you're saying. I have SD19 and SS13. During the school year, we have SS EOW and two evenings during the week. SD comes and goes when she wants. They are basically nice kids, however, BM is a nightmare. She PAS's the kids and is constantly doing something to upset the schedule. I've been married to DH for a little over a year, and during that year, the resentment start building. It was due to BM and her stupid games, but I noticed I started resenting the kids. I don't like that I feel that way either. In my case, I think part of it is some other issues in my life that are causing me great stress, so it makes me more impatient with the skid situation.

I don't even mind sharing my DH. I'm pretty independent and never have a problem finding something to do. Of course, my time with DH isn't limited like yours is.

Do your skids ever come and visit in your home, or is DH always doing the traveling? I'm wondering if it would help if they came to see you. You would get more time with DH, even if it is shared time. It might enable you to bond a little more with the kids.

I do hope that venting here relieves some of the frustration you're feeling. Many of us have feelings we'd rather not have towards our step situations. I'm slowly coming to realize that our situation is not going to change, so if I don't want to be miserable all the time, my attitude has to change. Just know that you're not alone in your feelings!

Very Reluctant Step Mum's picture

Thanks for your supportive comments CalgonTakeMeAway ...... they have visited our home on a number of occasions, in fact they love to visit here. Don't get me wrong there is no animosity between us when we do meet up. SD even wants to visit when her Dad is away at work and not here, but I do not feel comfortable with me having to share my home with her alone and having my home treated like a hotel.

I have been married for 3 years to my fantastic husband. We have a great relationship together as an independent unit. I am hoping that as the kids mature, become more independent and have their own interesting lives that the visits will be more enjoyable and adult/adult experience.

I will think over what you have said..... thanks again ...

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

There is one thing that keeps me going when I'm really frustrated....they eventually grow up...this is not forever!!! Just a small thread to cling to!

Very Reluctant Step Mum's picture

LOL !!! How funny !!!

I forgot to mention... I am soooo not maternal and my husband knew this from day one. I struggle with my own 11 year old neice after 2 - 3 days !!! He is also very aware that if they lived with him when we met, we would never have got past the first date !

Very Reluctant Step Mum's picture

LOL !!! How funny !!!

I forgot to mention... I am soooo not maternal and my husband knew this from day one. I struggle with my own 11 year old neice after 2 - 3 days !!! He is also very aware that if they lived with him when we met, we would never have got past the first date !

Very Reluctant Step Mum's picture

LOL !!! How funny !!!

I forgot to mention... I am soooo not maternal and my husband knew this from day one. I struggle with my own 11 year old neice after 2 - 3 days !!! He is also very aware that if they lived with him when we met, we would never have got past the first date !

liks's picture

Im like you....Never was maternal......

Of course its not unusual to be annoyed at the thought of sharing your holidays with them skids....

you work hard for your money and why should you have to pay to take them to disney land and pay for their extra room....

We recently drove down to florida myrtle beach etc....I mad it quiet clear to DH, that I was not going to go to kids parks...that this trip was for enjoying sights and whats free....that the kids have all been to these expensive places and no bloody way will I be walking around some amusement park...waste of time waste of money...we can instead go to the beach and swim, have BBQ's on the beach, explore the wilderness etc....

I then went on to say that he is welcome to take his kids along to these places but I hate them and will not be going - ide rather get a root canal filling....

Kids neva came - but they were expecting thats exactly what we were going to do...the moment you say florida...they assume we will go to disney world...OMG get your crazy bitch of a mother to take you there if you wanna go....we give her 300 bucks per week so she can....for crying out loud she could take you on a weekly basis and still have changle left ova

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

Ohhhh I would love to go to the "kid parks"!! But I do tell DH that if there's something they want to do and I don't, go without me. I have no problem with that. Then I get some nice "me" time!

Flutterby's picture

LAG115

Correct. I hate it when she's here (fulltime). He thinks she can do no wrong (she's 15 and a half). I am the one who has caught her out = wicked step mother.

Her mother chose not to look after her, her father, as a male, may not see these these things, once again = try and get them into line and a "wicked person you will become".

I do not think that we need to feel bad bacause of bio parents guilt. Every situation is different xx