Vanity
Okay so I need some insight.
my SD9 who lives with my SO and I full time... BM is in and out of her life and in and out of jail in another state. We were recently awarded a change in the custody order where all contact between BM and SD must be supervised. That's a whole post on its own. I know that her BM not being a constant in her life has had an impact on SD. Some of the things she has said to me has indicated that she feels neglected by her mother and feels like her mother does not love her. BM is a textbook narcissist who refuses to take accountability and thinks she is far superior in every way. Especially with her looks (she's not ugly but she's no beauty queen. Drugs have really aged her). Anyway, BM is very vain. Constantly thinking that every man wants her, constant selfie taking, and talking about how pretty people say she is. SD has seen all of this and BM truely believes that what really matters in life is how pretty people think you are. BM has actively tried to teach SD9 how to get boys to like her. It's diagusting.
Regardless of the neglect my SD feels, what her BM says to her is going to make an impression and have an impact. She understands her mother is not a typical mother but she still wants to idiolize her. I don't fault her for that , it is her mother. She wants to believe that her mother is a magic fairy princess who is lovely in every way.
this is where my concern is. I'm worried that she is going to be extremely vain like her BM. my SD has made some comments that I find to be very shallow and vain. we were talking about maybe someday going horseback riding. Her response was "I like horses but I don't think I would go horsebacl riding. The outfits are not cute. And you get horse hair on you and people won't think you look good if you have that on your clothes." She also says things frequently like "I only like to wear cute outfits because I'm a girly girl. If it's not cute I can't let people see me."
I have tried to explain to her that how people look is not what makes them special. That it does not matter what people wear that makes them a good person. I want her to know the importance of taking care of herself, and that it is okay to want to look pretty or to feel confident wearing an outfit you love, but I don't want her to think that is the priority and what she wears and how she looks is what makes her special. I want her to know that what makes her special and worth being friends with is her being kind, caring, and compassionate. Not what she wears of how much her outfit costs.
how do I keep her from becoming vain and shallow where appearance is the only thing she values?
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Comments
I hate to say it but not much
I hate to say it but not much you can do, Spawn and Meth Mouth were the exact same way. Meth Mouth used to be good looking until she found meth...but Spawn is very pretty...when we got custody of her at 10 she was already groomed to wear make-up and make sure her hair was done in the latest style and wearing only name brand items.
DH and I tried to get Spawn involved in activities that didn't focus on her looks (dance, volleyball, church activities), but it was just too ingrained.
Spawn is in her 20's now and it's all about her looks, she only posts photos of herself, no photos of family or friends, just her with her pouty duck lip look and now she also has an onlyfans (mild porn) account.
Wish I could offer some great advice, but unless you guys are really able to curb BM's influence your SD will probably end up just like BM.
Not sure where she gets that
Not sure where she gets that horse girls don't have cute outfits..haha. Both Western and English disciplines can have some really pretty looks. But, I don't think you necessarily are wanting to encourage her one track mind towards only "cute" clothes and vanity.
I would probably try to make an effort to really praise her and praise others with the virtues that you find more valuable. Point out a celebrities philanthropic efforts.. not their style. Praise your SD when she does things that are smart and resourceful. There is also nothing wrong with pointing out gently that looks are not everthing.. that not everyone wants to or can afford designer looks and grooming. That it isn't a measure of success. And in the end... we all will age and lose the bloom of youth and if we only have our looks to rely on.. we won't have much when they have faded. If we are also interesting people.. smart people.. resourceful people.. we will be more successful in the end.
But... sometimes it may just take time to have some reality set in. I know my OSD is a much vainer person... to the point of excess really. I think it is extreme insecurity with her.. if she doesn't look perfect.. people might see her deception.
Therre is a running program
Therre is a running program called Girls on the Run that starts about 3rd grade (it's been a few years LOL). I enrolled my DD at the time because, while it was geared towards running a 5K, every practice taught vaulable lessons like empowerment, compassion, etc. There are also games and activites that are done at these practice sessions to help reinforced the values.
I got my DD involved bc my former SIL was a model and my former MIL was all about modeling, etc. Extremely focused on appearance.They were/are very strong influences so I wanted something else to help make formative impressions on her. It really made a big impact on her and helped balance out the "noise" from the FMIL/FSIL..