Isn't it really the husbands?
Hello all-
I haven't posted in three years but have been reading all your posts about rotten adult stepkids. My story is like yours as I have three nasty adult stepkids. I could write volumes about the crap they have done over the years. I just read my post of three years ago and I realized something. My husband's ability to recognize his children's' behavior has not changed. He still makes excuses for, minimizes, or ignores their behavior. He still says the problems are mine: that I am too sensitive, etc. I guess he never will get it. The thing I need the most from him is something I will never get -- validation.
The skids in my situation are horrible, have not changed in 15 years, and have even stepped up their behavior. Now the oldest SD has a baby to use as her tool for snubbing those people she likes to exclude. This has made my H even more resistant to face the truth. I have disengaged. Did so last summer after a particularly horrible SD wedding that was used by skids and BM to show me how much I don't belong. I finally got it after that, and I declared I was done and have had nothing to do with any if H's family from that day on. I've never seen the new G-kid and plan to keep it that way.
Disengaging has been great for me, but I still struggle with my H's unwillingness to support me, much less acknowledge all the crap that has happened over the years and the negative impact it has had on me and my life. I have become an angry and bitter person. I have lost trust in humanity in general. I never thought I would be this way. I used to be a fun and happy person.
I'm rambling, but I wanted to know from you if your H supports you, and if not, how you handle it. Can a marriage survive it?
Thanks for your answers.
I understand what you are
I understand what you are saying, goforit. I can ignore his dysfunction and denial as well as his asshole kids, but then having a relationship and marriage that has any kind of depth and meaning seems impossible. I wanted to have a soulmate for a husband, someone I could talk to and share my life with. Things just feel so empty otherwise. Did you ever feel this way? I sounds like you have a good handle on things. How did you get there?
nicely put. really helped to
nicely put. really helped to not b so frustrated w my situation. thanks!
I'm so sorry for your pain. I
I'm so sorry for your pain. I understand how your experience can cause you to lose faith in humanity. It's hard not to be bitter and angry. Especially when shown over and over that your opinion doesn't count. Have you tried counseling? I was able to get the validation I needed from my therapist despite the fact that I didn't get it at home. She helped me learn that other's denial and dsyfunction will happen with or without my involvement and taught me how to disassociate from it emotionally: to view it as a 'play' I was watched unfold. I was able to view the various 'scenes' as 'interesting' instead of being so angry because I was unable to stop or prevent it.
My husband saw a therapist too in an attempt to save our marriage. Unfortunately, he really wasn't able to come out of denial about his SD and the dsyfunctional relationship they had. And, I have a low tolerance for someone who choses to stay in denial and refuses to grow from experiences (e.g. repeating the same mistakes over and over, knowing they are mistakes.)
I can't answer your question whether a marriage can survive. In the end, I lost respect for my husband. And, I decided that I didn't want to share my life with someone who was willing to put other's needs above mine and disregard my values and feelings.
I asked my therapist: "How do you know when it's over?" Her reply was, "Is the relationship causing more pain than pleasure? Does it uplift you or bring you down?"
What a powerful question. I
What a powerful question. I need to think about that one. How hard was it to leave the marriage? The thought terrifies me, but deep down I know I need to get over that. Disengaging and therapy have helped a lot, but a drawback is that problems don't get resolved. They just hang around, kindof haunting me every now and then.
Plus, cagey SDs know how to get to you even if you have disengaged and disassociated yourself from the crazy-making. I'll share a little story: SD was in town for 2 weeks and yesterday was her last day here. I was able to avoid any contact, but on the last day she insisted on coming to the house. Previously, I told my H that my preference was to not have her come here, but that he could do what he felt he needed to do. I didn't feel right about banning her. I told H that if he wanted her to come out, I would go do something else when she came. They went to breakfast (with ex-wife and her husband, H invited me but I said no). The idea was that they would go to breakfast and then he would drive her out for her little visit. I said cool, I'll go to the gym. Bye. Have a good time.
Well, I get a call while at the gym from H saying that she could not come out for a couple hours, that she had "things to do." This meant I had to stay away from my home all afternoon while she decided when it was convenient for her to come out. He thought that was OK. Didn't see anything wrong with that.
I didn't think it was OK and asked why he allows his daughter to call all the shots about this stupid visit. I told him that I made my preference well known, agreed to forego that preference, and the thanks I get is having to accommodate this ridiculous situation further. I finished (a text) by asking him why my concerns and convenience are ignored, and I also stated that SD was playing power games with the whole "I can't come out until later" BS. (And I also believe SD was contriving to put him together with BM at the breakfast.)
Nothing happened. My questions were not answered. SD came out when she was damn good and ready, and after I was done at the gym I went to a movie alone, feeling horrible.
Disengaging from the crazy didn't work. SD once a again was able to come here and cause trouble. H caved to her BS. I feel disrespected. It happens every time.
So, even when you decide to back out of the crazy completely, the BS can still find you. Yes, I guess I could ignore my H's stupidity and dysfunction as well as the kids and continue to do what is best for me, as goforit suggests above, but this shit is just getting too hard to live with. I like your therapists advice about seeing things as a play. I'll try that. The problem is that the SD really knows how to work the plotline and put me in the scenes as a character!
Sounds like SD is playing
Sounds like SD is playing games and DH is not being very considerate of you at all. It sounds as if this scenario has been played in the past. If it happens again, and DH wants to cater to SD at your inconvenience and unhappiness, I'd tell him to meet her elsewhere because you are coming home and do not feel like company. Goforit said it doesn't matter what anyone thinks - including your husband. I couldn't agree more. If the shoe was on the other foot, how would DH react? It is your right to have mutual respect. I can really relate to all of this. I went through it for decades and finally put my foot down in December. SD is not allowed in my home until she can be respectful of me, and DH will show support for me in front of her. At the present time it looks like this is not going to happen so they can meet elsewhere. I don't care what either one of them think and I will not inconvenienced to leave my home in order to accommodate them. I don't even pretend to like her anymore. DH and I get along fine as long as I don't hear about her. When you start placing yourself first, things get a whole lot better.
Yes, it is the men. I think
Yes, it is the men. I think it takes a while for women to learn by their mistakes, or by others' mistakes on forums like these, that you cannot win. Shoot, it took me years to learn that someone will say they love you and turn around and LIE LIE LIE right in your face. I was very naive. I was married for 9 years and had numerous issues over the SD. Now have my own kids and have been divorced for 3 years. Been dating a man w/ 3 kids and see the SAME OLD ISSUES coming up again. This time I have my own kids to protect but also realize that *I* am more important than this relationship. I plan on spending the rest of my life with this man, he is awesome. But the dynamics between all involved when blending a family...I see the benefit of remaining in our own homes until the children are adults. It is nearly impossible to cohabitate (married or not) with a part time dad when you have your kids full time. Because everyone sees what the "full time" kids do wrong, but when the "part time" kids are here, they do no wrong. And then you have to realize that the kids being "cared for" by the crazy BM are just going to bring her craziness into the picture. No thank you. I love my boyfriend. But I love me more.
My DH has his head buried in
My DH has his head buried in the sand too. I dare not say anything negative to him about his darling adult entitled princesses, or the SWHF and he goes into instant defensive mode and it becomes an all night fight.
That's why I'm here. So that I can vent and bond with others that are in the same situation as me. If I don't vent here, I've been known to vent to him, and being here saves a lot of fights and arguments.
YES, he'll never see the entitled-brats for who they are and what he and the BM created.
Best thing I've done is to completely disengage with them, and try to be as polite as I can if he brings them up (without my blood boiling~~well, I hold it in pretty good).
Both brats (SD 20 & 22) have cut DH off and refuse contact, so he's even more "begging" (calling, inviting to go to dinner, etc.) every few weeks for some form of a "relationship". The more he begs, the more they will dig in their heels. Fine with me. Less drama for us.
Do I respect him? Not really. But the good in our relationship outweighs the bad. Will I ever get tired of him or lose enough respect for him over the years to move on? Could happen. Will all depend on if and when those brats re-enter our lives, and how much chaos they bring back into our relationship. I'm getting too old (46) for this/his/their shit.
My DH is the same with with
My DH is the same with with my SD. I think I have mentioned this before. I told him one day that he thinks the sun shines out of her @$$. The only problem being that he is so blinded by the light he thinks he sees he can't see how full of S*** she is!
He recently came home and announced that she called and told him she is getting married in March. I just said "Oh, really?" and that was it! I am waiting for her to call and ask us to cough up money for the wedding. She has a sense of entitlement that is beyond belief. She has never accepted me and I don't even ask after her any more. That's a shame and it is her loss. When I met my H I was looking forward to having a relationship with his daughter. I could have been a great stepmom and friend. She didn't want that because I came between her and daddy's wallet. Well whether she gets anything towards her wedding will greatly depend on whether I am invited and how I am treated when there. (She COMPLETELY snubbed me at her graduation). No invite = no money. Snubs me = no money. We gave her and her now fiance $2000 towards the deposit on the home they are buying together. She came with a begging bowl but was rude and obnoxious to me. DH said at the time that she will not get any more money. It will be interesting to see what he says if she asks for any more. I sincerely hope that even she wouldn't have the nerve!
I absoultey do understand
I absoultey do understand what you are saying. I think though I can understand the husbands to some degree. One of my bio children has been an absolute bear with lies and manipulation. My husband is corgila towards her but that's about it. I, on the other hand, can love her despite the things she has done. I never thought I was that way with my steps and thought I could love them regardless but I had a real big test to that several years back and realized that I could not love or forgive my steps the way I could my own bios.
I too had to step away from SSs and from husband's family. Luckily for me, the boys showed themselves to their dad and started in on him with all their accusations so he could finally see what I had been dealing with. The younger boys was using his wife and their baby and excuses to make allegations towards us, totally off the wall garbage and when my husband saw this he too placed a boundary on his sons' behavior.
I have been in weekly counseling for over 5 months now, and I can it was the best thing I could have done for myself to deal with what all has happened in the past 22+ years. I know now that there was absolutely nothing I could have done right for SSs and even if I had, it would have been wrong in their eyes. I gave my heart and everything I could to them and have never received an apology for their hatred and the terrible lies they have told. I have tried to place myself in their shoes and understand it would be very hard to accept a parent in my life is I was bitter or sad about my parent's divorce but these guys are adults now and I can no longer excuse their ungratefulness. I have prayed for forgiveness of my own hard felings towards the boys. Beyond that I have to move on.