I don't feel like a stepmother; is that wrong?
I don't really feel that comfortable calling DH's kids my "stepchildren," as they were grown adults (in age but not necessarily maturity) when DH and I married. I read a lot here about helping to raise young S-kids, but not much about grown S-kids and the unique issues that they present. I hate to seem uncaring, but honestly, I don't have strong feelings of love for DH's kids. Frankly, I see their mother in a lot of their behavior, and that's not exactly endearing. I feel guilty about this, because DH loves his kids, of course, and I don't share that love.
His kids, the oldest especially, compete with me for his DH's time and attention (like X does) and that is a real roadblock for me to feel any tenderness toward them. They also have made it clear they do not like my bio child, see themselves as better than him, have been openly hostile to him at times, and have even called him names in my presence. This really brings out the mother bear in me and I begin to dislike them intensely and see them as an enemy/threat, which I know is bad for everyone involved.
Is it wrong to be feel these things?
Welcome to our humble home!
I can see how it would be hard for you to love your adult steps. I love my 3 skids but not like BF does, but for me it's different. I have been in these skids lives for 4 years and they are 6, 10 and 13 so when there young, there cute, you teach them, look after them and that's how that bond grows. Unless your steps are mature enough to sit down have a cuppa and a mature chit chat it's going to be alot harder for you.
Don't beat yourself up that you don't feel the same as your DH you will find alot of the woman on this site feel as you do.
It is also only nature for you to feel this way when the skids are picking on your son, that's your blood that they are talking about or picking on, I would be extremly pissed off.
Have you spoken to DH about how you feel?
I know your story!!
My three SDs are 29, 28, and 25...DH and I have been together
for five years so, like you, they were BIG GIRLS when we
met. They, too, especially the oldest, absolutely HATED me
(I'm a professional, well-liked and respected, not after
daddy's "money", because I make more than he does :), etc.),
but they did everything they could to make me look like a
"bad guy." I could tell story after story. We broke up several
times during our dating and engagement (the ONLY thing that
"scared" them....they knew "daddy" was finally HAPPY, and he
didn't want to lose me)
Long story short, things are "cordial" at best. I can handle
a few minutes (maybe an hour) with them at a time, then I want
to puke. They're whiny, bitchy, just pains in the butt. My
own 16 year is so much more MATURE and I think that's why I
can't warm up to them....I would NEVER raise a daughter to
act like they do. They have no CLASS whatsoever.
So, dear friend, you are NOT alone in your feelings. What you
will learn to do is DISENGAGE from them, if you haven't already.
I tried being their "friend", etc., but they did everything
they could to squelch any nice plans I had.
We just had an incident last week. DH and I were trying to
get tickets for the World Series. Oldest SD decided to try to
get tickets with "daddy" (at 29, she should be getting tickets
with her OWN husband, not MINE!!), I was totally out of the loop. LUCKILY, he did score two tickets for US (DH and me);
if he had gone with HER, his clothes would have been out on
the lawn.
I've gotten nasty Emails, Emails sent to my friends telling them what a terrible person I am (they, my friends, all told me
to DUMP DH, then BF), they've harassed my mother. I joined this
site in June of this year, and WOW did I grow a backbone. I
told them to SHAPE UP or I'm getting a RESTRAINING ORDER then
"daddy" will have to choose...ME or THEM. No discussion.
And, for the most part, the nasty crap has stopped.
And DH wonders why I don't want to spend holidays with them.
I guess NOW they all want to play "nice"....dollar short and
a day late!!
Welcome, vent away, you have lots of NEW PALS HERE, trust me!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
I don't think my H considers my sons as Stepsons
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
And that's ok by me. H and my youngest get along-but that's about it. Of course, he's grown, and here only occasionally.
I've never heard H refer to them as such. And don't think any of us - my son, H, myself consider it as such. Tho I do know my son is concerned about H treating me right, they really don't have a realtionship.