Am I making to much out of this???
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Yesterday, DH got off work early and we got to meet for lunch alone! Which is hardly ever. But Skids come over for 5 hrs two nights a wk. We we order lunch he ordered an extra plate. And I looked at him funny??? He said oh its SD12 favorite, I'm going to take it home to her. WHAT??? and what about the other 5 children????? two which are his bio kids too! Come on, am I the only that see this as major favoritism. I look at him and said what about the others??? and the response was "well its her favorite." Come on lets be completely honest ALL food is her favorite! I felt sorry for his other two kids as well as my own. But he thinks I am making a big deal out of this than need be. I just don't think I am??!!! Advice???
I'm concerned as to why he
I'm concerned as to why he thinks is appropriate to do something for one child and not the others. It doesn't even dawn on him at all. Weird.
Sounds like you already talked to him and he still didn't get it. I have no idea what to say. sorry. It was rude though. Maybe he skids and your bios will speak up for themselves on this one.
I dunno...I once got extra
I dunno...I once got extra because I happen to know elder SS liked it but they do not all get the same at the same time. I will do something with SD that I do not do with the boys...younger SS too. I think it balances out here, not sure about your situation.
That is weird.
That is weird.
They will not be back to our
They will not be back to our home on til Tuesday(thank goodness!!!) but would it be to mean of me to make something/or get something just for the other five since she got something yesterday? Since my very dumbheaded husband doesn't see it, should I show him? Knowing that she will be the awww so pittyful SM not being fair bullcrap to her "daddy" It would cause a huge fight I'm sure! BUT, I am very tempted!
Why do you feel like you
Why do you feel like you should make up for his shortcomings? i wouldn't. The skids need to see what he does and THEY need to call him out on it.
You won't "show" him anythng with this. He will see it as you being mean to SD that got something and getting even. Just leave it go.
Your right, I will be made to
Your right, I will be made to look like the Evil stepmom and just cause a fight with me and DH.
exactly.
exactly.
Echo, I do not agree with you
Echo,
I do not agree with you completely, First of all we do teach the kids those things, but I disagree with this situation - you don't bring one child food home and not the rest! If one gets a new sports equipment/toys for whatever reason aka: in need of it or being rewarded for something than thats how life is. Totally agree with you there. And I make my DH have date nights with his children one on one, and thats fair. We do not do it with my kids, bc I do have them 24/7. His kids 8 over nights per month and 8 five hour visits per month. But when six kids are at home and one one gets take out dinner while the others eat at home. And Yes he does it alot, just like when he does the grocery shopping he picks up her 4 or 5 special things while the others get none or 1 each. All this boils into ONE of the reason I don't care for her, and plus her attitude stinks.
Let me understand this
Let me understand this correctly, he has 3 kids you have 3 kids? He only wanted to take something back for 1 of his 3? So out of his 3 he favors this one?
I do not totally disagree with Echo, but there is a difference here.
Telling your kids you can't go with Susie because she is going to have her alone time with daddy tonight is one thing. Because the others will get their alone time with their daddy when it is their turn.
But to buy Susie her favorite food and take it home and leave out his other two and not to mention you have 3 at home too, to me is a recipe for disaster, resentment, and hurt feelings. And for what so that 1 child can have her favorite?
I am going to have to call BULL HOCKEY!!!!!!!!! on this one!
I dont think you are making
I dont think you are making to much out it. I would be upset and it sounds like its an issue he needs to work on. Good luck to you.
Dragonfly, Yes, I have three
Dragonfly,
Yes, I have three of my own and he has three of his own we are called the Brady Bunch. But trust me we sure don't act like the Brandy Bunch! lol Yes, he favors his 12 yr over, his other two as too, as well as mine. I see him favoring her over mine, bc they are not his blood, but his other two, to me its just wrong and not fair. But she is so drama,drama,drama. Out of his three she is the demon child, if she doesn't get her way, she goes off in screaming fits, she is very demanding of his time and attention. She still makes him carry her out to her mom's car when she comes to pick them up(so does the other two as well which are 10/7), he still has to rub her back to put her to sleep. If we need something from the grocery store and he has to run out real fast he only takes her(the others are not allowed) and she always gets treat while she is there. I can tolerate SS10 a little, SD7 is good we get along very well, she very sweet to me and my children. But, when I discuss my concerns to DH he just throws up all the things he doesn't like about my BD14. He can talk poorly about my children, but I can't say one negative thing about his or he losses his crap. But I would never ever bring my BD14 home dinner and not bring my other two bio kids or at least along all three of his something.
His daughter is learning a
His daughter is learning a valuable lesson from him. If I am drama, drama, drama, demanding and difficult, my dad will cater to me. And she will continue this behavior and think it will work on everyone else. too.
Is the what he wants her to become? Selfish, self centered, self absorbed. Because giving into her is what he is teaching her.
You and your hubby need to have a heart to heart. Everyone needs boundaries to feel safe, including you. If he doesn't get it, then it's time to draw some lines in the sand. Tell him that each child yours and his has strengths and weaknesses. Just as the two of you do. But favoring one child over another is undermining your family structure.
Isn't it funny how different families have different dynamics. When I met SO a couple of years ago. His daughter had to do everything her brother did. And my SO let her. Finally I sat him down and said.
Your daughter is your daughter your son is your son. It is okay for them to be different and to do different things. SD11 doesn't need to do every thing SS14 does. He listened and started telling her that only s14 will be doing this.
We have seen an amazing improvement in her. She is more lady like, her manners have improved, her demeanor has softened. She is now allowed to be a girl and it is a good thing. She is thriving in it. She will always be my Tom boy, and a great athlete (which I love about her) but now she has a girlie girl side also. It is a great balance.
Don't give up hope and do try to talk to him. I will wish you well in your efforts to continue to blend the mix of 6!
I can see both sides; I am
I can see both sides; I am sure you felt peeved about this. In our home; we do this a lot though; but it's even all the time; sometimes we bring home a dilly bar for our 5 year old or I Have picked up some makeup for my bio and our others do sports so they get a lot that way......I can see where you are coming from. My DH has a hard time seeing things that bother
Beyond favoring the child,
Beyond favoring the child, it's not good that he can't have a discussion with you about his kid/s without turning it around to being about your kids.
He needs to learn about how to communicate properly.
I would say family counseling is in order, I bet it would be a real eye-opener for him. Then his kids' feeling on this matter would probably come out and you wouldn't be the bad guy and maybe he might learn how to communicate in a productive way.
I agree with echo, but I
I agree with echo, but I think she is comparing apples to oranges.
Your DH has a really weird issue.
Hey, I say, forget about the
Hey, I say, forget about the kids all together in this situation. I take it from your post that lunch alone is a rare and special occasion for you. Why the hell is he worried about any of the kids? How about spending the hour (like thats so long) enjoying the adult couple time and leave it at that. Treasure that. I am so tired of this kid obsessed culture where every moment of every day is about the kids. Suprise suprise that adult relationships fall apart because of it. If I was looking forward to a special meal with my BF, and he was looking over the menu trying to decide if his little darling would prefer the spagetti or the pizza, I would tell him to take her to lunch instead. To specifically answer your question...to bring a treat home for one child, bio or not, and ignore the others is just rude and thoughtless. To me, the bigger issue is why he can't just focus on you for one moment??
Just the other week, my BF pretended to be all interested in what I wanted for a special romantic dinner for two, no skid (to make up for a tremendous amount of skid crap I put up with). He gently tried to persuade me to choose this restaurant that was pretty good but didn't seem to be one of his favorites. I thought it was pretty thoughful to go to one I like even though it wasn't his favorite. I should have known...I found out later that he wanted to go there only because they have the best desserts, and he wanted to take one home for skid because he felt guilty about having dinner with me alone. Fortunately I realized his tactic ahead of time, and chose another restaurant and the pampered little prince had to go with out special dessert. So sad.
Think your man is thinking about which special treat to bring you as an "I love you" gesture when he eats out with his kids alone? In my case, hell no. They will come home with cake in thier hands and ice cream cones dripping without the slightest thought that maybe they should bring one home for me. I guess I should thank them for keeping me slender.