Why are you even allowing this woman into your home?!!

I appreciate the fact that ideally you want amicable relationship with her, in order to co-parent and it is better for the skids (and you too impo) BUT seriously you arent her *friend*, or her *therapist* and actually your DH is just enabling her co-dependency on you and him.

Bm is now even coming over when you havent got ss. This is unacceptable and your DH is being highly unreasonable in expecting you to make everyone life's easier except your own. Is he aware that when he married you, he made certain vows (regardless of your ceremony, religious beliefs) to protect you, make you happy, and actually prioritise you when needed - if he wasnt capable, committed to these principles then why marry you? You have every right to expect to have certain bounderies to be adhered to, to have your happiness prioritised too.

I think its hard to accept this as a female, because you want to take care of everyone else and you often get used to sacrificing many if not all your principles because your DH expects/demands/emotionally blackmails you using the skids as reason - therefore plugging into your nuturing urges. Very clever and also extremely selfish.

Personally this could get worse and yes, your DH DOES expect you to put up and shut up. Yet who is to say, this wont continue when ss is an adult and gone? After all a prescedent has already been established and then comes the grandchildren - DH will be using them as an excuse for you to keep quiet. So make a stand NOW.

TELL DH that this isnt happening no more, you have already asked to be considered but DH is quite happy to walk all over you and your good nature. The fact BM is coming around is NOT good for YOUR well being, and seeing as DH doesnt care about that then you have to take care of yourself.

My DH did something similar, BM was abusive, threatening towards us, she controlled my DH (so much so I was like the mistress and she the 1st wife). DH expected me to shut up and say nothing, I wasnt permitted to say anything when the bitch called my home or came to my door and treated me like shit. I had enough after several years, so I either could leave or stand up for myself. So I told DH that she wasnt to talk bad about me to him via texts/calls/at our door - if she did then you cant stop her, but I warned him no Miss Nice Lady and I would stand up for myself and what I wanted. Oh and she wasnt to come to our door anymore. DH eventually had the nerve to tell me, that I couldnt stop her from doing these things and if she came to our home then he would be nice - I told him ofcourse he had every right to make that choice, but I had the same right to call the police, tell her to leave, give her the same treatment she gave me (including hanging up, refusing to allow her to speak to DH about non emergency things...). DH then tried the blackmail of, Oh you cant do that if ss is with her...never mind the fact this woman would be violent and abusive in front of ss, no I wasnt allowed to be reasonable in front of her. I told DH, not my problem. She can choose to react calmly, if she doesnt the door gets closed even if ss IS with her. I gave him fair warning and also said he would have to think VERY carefully about whose side he was on, and who exactly his wife was. He nearly pooped his pants because he knew I would carry it through - I did. You reap what you sow.

So if BM comes to your home and you answer the door, tell her nicely, calmly but firmly that its not a good time, you are going out...lie if necessary. If DH intercedes and undermines you, then continue to contradict him with a straight face and shut the door. Throw HIM under the bus if necessary - again you reap what you sow. If DH answers the door, warn him prior to leaving her in that he had better think carefully before doing so because you will be telling her that its not a good time and you guys are busy/going out/going to do something so she will have to come back again (obviously while in your own head not allowing the again to happen) - and you expect DH to back you up. If he doesnt then you will begin to be awkward, rude and possibly say something DH may regret. Does this put DH in a difficult position? Tough. After all, your feelings havent been considered all along and its been very uncomfortable for you - time for him to experience this I think. Or alternatively, dont answer the door (get an intercom system so you can see who is at the door and can choose to answer or not - cite beefing up your security as reason for this). If ss questions you over not letting BM in, then tell him "sweetie, Stepmom needs some time to herself doing x right now and this isnt your mom's home, nor is it an emergency..." say it every sodding time if necessary, for everyone to get the idea through their heads that they are taking the piss!

Thats great news. Carry this on. BM will probably test the bounderies and could escalate her attempts to get her own way, but foresee this and have in place reasons you are unavailable or its inconvenient.

Your BM needs to realise your DH isnt for sharing.

Good to hear DH backed you up - about time