Sick of the bulls***
Ok I am so happy its friday and I am not sure how to go about this situation. If anyone has ever read my blogs before you know I have four ss. ss9 ss7 ss4 ss3. We have them full time and they call me mom because their BM is a drug addict dead beat. They used to visit with her with a appointed sitter because the court didnt trust her to have them alone. In May the court decided she had completed her parenting classes and drug classes and she can visit with them unsupervised. So now eow she gets them from 9-5:30. She buys them something everytime they go over there like shoe laces or a hat or sunglasses. They think the world of her now and it just gets on my nerves. She doesnt do anything actually for them besides buy this crap and they love her. She promised to take them to the zoo last visit did she no because she couldnt find the tickets? If I had done that they would have thrown a temper tantrum. Anyways the other day I was teaching ss4 how to spell his name because we are working on letters before he goes into kindergarten. I was also cooking dinner and watching the other three. When he was done with his first sheet I said I would be right there to give him another. My ss7 said dont worry I am going to do it. I said no please dont ss7. I will be right there. ss7 has horrible handwriting so I didnt want him to draw the letters for him. Its like the blind leading the blind. So I go over there ss7 has written all over the papers trying to do the letters I said not to. I said go in room I will be in there in a min. I am so sick of no one listening. So After a five min time out I told ss9 to get him out of the room and ss7 comes in the kitchen hands me a note that says he wants to live with BM. I laughed and said ok tell your dad. By the way last time they lived with her she tried to kill herself in front of them, did drugs in front of them, never spoke to them, and made their life according to them a living hell. That was Tuesday and he is still sticking to his guns he wants to live with her. I just found out from ss9 that their BM tells them that she wishes they could live with her or she says dont you want to live with me? So maybe thats where he got it. Did I handle it right? She lives in a studio apt and makes $10.00 an hour. She doesnt pay us child support so I dont think she could take care of him fulltime and I am actually not comfortable with the thought of her having him full time. I am worried she is still on drugs and has druggie friends around. I dont know. This isn't my problem this is his problem but I still feel guilty that he wants to live with her.
Try remain impartial. I do.
Try remain impartial. I do. And say "its not down to us, its down to childrens services". Fortunately my SDs the opposite as was so scarred by her mothers behaviour that she hates her with a passion. I don't know why your contemplating if she can cope. Surely its not an option is it?? Grass will always be greener for your SS's as you've got mother bear who probably has no boundaries, a shed load of guilt and time to make up for so I would stand your ground but equally take yourself out the picture and refer it to social services (or american equivalent)??? X
The one thing I have learned
The one thing I have learned from crazo is no matter what, kids want to be with their mother. No matter how bad she is, or neglectful or out of control. Their is a bond.
I'm sure there are exceptions.
Don't take it personal, honestly it just normal. It is not a reflection of you or your relationship with them.
I am sending you a "hug". I think you could use it, I am sure hearing it was not easy.
Yes, my sd9 is definitely a
Yes, my sd9 is definitely a rarity as she HATES her mother but I was told my mental health team that my sd's views are not common. You and I can see the issues and problems with the BM but kids know it for what it is. To them they don't see it as neglect as it is what it is. Its only by having someone as warm hearted as you that will show them in time that the BM is the wierd and wrong 'un, not you. What your doing may seem a little backward to them as they don't know how life works as all they've been taught has been through mother earth BM *sarcasm* . Give it time. And yes, I know how it hurts xxx
Hearing it sucked soo much.
Hearing it sucked soo much. My ss9 went through the same thing when I first got here but I expected that because I was new. He got over it after a couple of months so I guesS I will go through this with every ss. I am not looking forward to it. I know she is their mom but i thought that because I am with them everyday and do everything with them they would get used to their mom not being around but I guess this will always be a fight we have to deal with.
:sick: :sick: :sick:
Hate it for you! Because you
Hate it for you! Because you are the mom. You take care of them, love them, hug, them, make them feel safe.
Exactly! It is so annoying to
Exactly! It is so annoying to be compared to someone who isnt in their life. In the year of 2010 she saw them for one hour twice a month if that because she arrived late and left early. So in the whole year she saw them for 24 hours as a whole but no I am not the mom or the one that they need to respect or anything.
I agree that their is a bond
I agree that their is a bond with their mother that they will not have with you. Dont take that personally. However, what they will learn (or I suspect that they already know) is that you are the one they can count on, you are the one that does things for them, you are the one that is stable, and yes, you are the ones they can act like little shits around because you love them. I think you handled it fine. I used to tell my ss "It's not up to me where you live-you need to speak to your bm and dh" My ss wanted nothing more than to live with his bm and he finally moved in with her at 9. He is now 13 and bm is trying to ship him back to us. He has admitted that things arent as great as he thought that they would be. He thought thing would be grand as she only had him eowe and she planned fun activities for those times, didnt make him do chores, he did not have homework on the weekends, and he could stay up as late as he liked and get up in the morning when he liked (unless they had to get up in time for a fun activity). And of course she blamed all misbehavior of his on ME and told him how perfect he was, how much she wanted him to live with her, blah, blah. Well, now she's got him!
Thats exactly how it is over
Thats exactly how it is over there. She takes them to the dollar store and she lets them pick one thing out. Which is fine but the kids think this is so extravagant. She lives in apt complex that has a pool so they go swimming every time they are with her which again is great but that wont be everyday if he lives with her and thats what my SO tried to tell him. His family and I think he should go if he wants to but there isnt any room for him. She lives in a studio there is hardly any room for her. I dont know......sometimes kids benefit from learning their own mistakes and other kids say why didnt you stop me you were the adult you knew better then I did.
The old "I want to live with
The old "I want to live with my Mum" thing....
My SS14 pulled that one out when he wasnt getting his own way.
He said he knew he wouldnt get very well looked after by his Mum but that she needed him. She always sends him txts telling him that she needs him and misses him and wishes he lived with her. She lives 10 hours away.
So when he packed a shit and wanted to go live with her DH booked him a bus ticket.
About 20 minute before the bus was meant to leave he changed his mind.
BM then sent him txts to make him feel guilty about changing his mind... "SM has won" blah blah.
He's a really good kid and doing really well in school. It would all turn to shit if he lived with his Mum.
Your Skids no doubt all know that living with you is best for them too but their Mum probably plays with their head in the same way. Kids are always loyal to their BM. Its hard for them to try and fugure out where they fit with everything.
I just hang on to the hope that when he is grown he will appreciate what we have done for him (I think he already does) and be thankful he didnt live with his loser BM and turn into a loser!
Thats exactly what I am
Thats exactly what I am worried about. From what my other ss tell me he throws horrible tantrums with her and with me the tantrums are few and far between. I will admit since he has started seeing her more regularly his fits have been harder to control but he normally isnt a bad kid so I dont know if his more recently bad fits are caused by her or if it is just a coincidence. Who knows....I thank god for this site! Thank you ladies for making me feel better. My SO tried but he just doesnt understand the way you ladies do