Please be honest and tell me what would you do!
Hi! Well right now at this moment I split with my fiance and somehow we are going to meet again to see if we can work things out again.
Negative things about my relationship:
1. My first big issue "the ex wife" is that she wants to participate on family events because of her son. So we have to pretend we are this big happy family and I cannot do that.
Not only I have to handle her going to events but in most of the cases her birthday is on Thanksgiving...So if I'm in this relationship I have to be there celebrating her birthday too which I HATE TO DO THAT
2. My problem is that they said that if I didn't want to participate they respect my decision. So that means that while they are all together I'm going to be at my house sitting looking at the walls knowing my fiance is with all his family, son and yes his ex wife. He says that separate events don't work
3. Every time she calls everybody runs because of her. If we are doing something everything has to stop because of what she demands.
4. She wants to come inside my house even though I told him not to allow that
5. We cannot have kids of our own but we can adopt. But the truth is that I really wanted to have a kid with him
6. I don't get along with his ex wife at all she is passive aggressive and for my ex fiance he sees her like she can never do any harm at all.
7. I feel like I'm just a second plate
8. He does whatever his son tells him to do. He is a carpet for him
9. I come from a house and a culture where ex wives don't hang out with the new wife. Is not accepted at all. The past is past and you have to respect that privacy
10. In few words I feel I cannot have my own moments and learn more from his family because I have to share them with the ex wife.
11. Her house is only like less than
10 minutes so that means no traffic 5 minutes.
12. I hate how shes treating me like I'm a maid because she doesn't do laundry for him but her son bring his clothes to my house.
13. I don't know what she does with the money he gives her on child support because she doesn't take her of her son. See in my case I love his son and I care about him. I hate when he says hes not your son and my issues with her are none of your business.
Last time I told him I felt lonely, sad, angry and he said to me take it or leave it because he cannot do anything at all related to his ex wife. She is there and shes not going anywhere specially on events. He said hes tired of me for repeating the same things all over again and that is my problem not his and I'm the one that has to grow up and shut up and deal with it.
Besides that I love him but disrespect and lack of communication is a big issue. Besides this problems he has treated me like gold I don't have any other complaints.
During the time I was alone I see and old friend from school of my same age..... because with my fiance we have a difference of 17 years and this new guy is serious he wants to marry me, he knows my mom, he wants to have children, hes talking about a house together.....this has come at the same time I'm going through this with my ex fiance and I really don't know what to do...I'm very confused and I really appreciate your comments.
Thank you and sorry for this long post!
Oh please biggest excuses in
Oh please biggest excuses in the book!! There NEVER a reason for bm and dh to be at ANY event together unless it is a sporting event or school related. And even then that can be worked on. BM is NOT a part of his family ANYMORE at all!
This is a HUGE red flag to me and the fact that he is not backing down from it is a bigger red flag. My dh has almost NO contact with bm, he lets her calls go to vm and if it is something important and about the kids he will call back but more often he texts her. That is ALL the contact they need and it is all about the kids.
The sooner your bf figures that out the better or he will never have a relationship with anyone unless they are willing to be on the back burner for the rest of their life.
I would be very clear with him and also let him know that if the roles were reverse how would he feel about attending all these 'family' events with your ex!!!??? But sometimes it takes for them experience it to realize what they are doing is wrong and how it feels. I would if he didn't get it with my words have an ex call you and invite him to every single event you have. That just might work. Good luck if you want to stay with him and go this route.
Oh and DO NOT DO ANYTHING for
Oh and DO NOT DO ANYTHING for his ex! That includes doing her sons laundry make your bf do it! Not your kid not your problem. Not let me explain that one while you 2 are working on your relationship you need to let your bf handle everything with his son and his ex. He also has to be willing to tell bm that he can no longer attend any events with her and she is not invited to any with him. She lost that right when they got divorced! He needs to understand that and if not I'd be saying good bye!
Agree 100%
Agree 100%
Does the new guy have kids? I
Does the new guy have kids? I would totally drop your ex-fiance. He obviously doesnt respect you enough to stand up for you. The whole going to events w/ the exwife is nuts!! People due seperate events all the time. How old is your skid? Read other blogs on here, it doesnt get easier with time. For the most part the drama, hurt, aggravation, and frustration doesnt go away. In fact it gets worse. Is your third-class citizenship in this relationship really worth it? Only you can answer that. I personally would say hell no. From what you said, it will never get better. He will never see you as an equal and you will have to deal with the BM for the rest of your life, and who really wants that? I'd say MOVE ON SISTA!!! Besides it looks like you've already found a better fish in the sea!!! Good luck! >hugs<
Maybe you may want to take
Maybe you may want to take some time for YOU. Explore your options. Maybe 'date' the old friend. Date other men. You need to clear your mind.
Sounds like he is very disrespectful towards you. Is that something you really want?
I WAS in a relationship with the man of my dreams a couple of years ago. WE were such a wonderful couple. But, there was one issue - his ex wife. Your story sounds pretty much like what I went through. His son was under the age of 10 at the time and we would be a good hour away and if the mother couldn't discipline the boy she would call my BF and that meant OUR date was done. He would leave immediately to go to 'handle' the boy. Honestly, the boy was not a behavior issue. It was the mother manipulating my BF. Got tired of that real quick & ended the relationship. Was very, very sad with that break-up. I really loved him. My children really liked him too. After all that, I swore I would NEVER date anyone with kids younger than my youngest and NO EX DRAMA.
Now, I'm with a man, all his kids are older than my youngest, Ex drama (very limited - still have a house they are disposing of. She is remarried though.) Cool beans, at least I thought. Now his eldest kid is psycho.
Then the other day, out of the blue guess who calls and wants to start seeing me again...yep, the one I was so head over heels for. VERY TEMPTING. But I had to really sit down and think about all that heart ache that the ex caused because no matter what, she WILL always be a part of his life. She is the mother of their child. I lost respect for 'man of my dreams' when he would not stand up for me and let her and his kid walk all over him. (sound familiar?)
You are young. You do have a choice. You want your own family, you want a life without "another" woman being in your face all the time, you can have that. It's us old folks that have very limited choices. If I knew then what I know now - things would be MUCH different....as the old saying goes
Take time to clear your thoughts. Only you can decide what is best for you. Wishing you the best!
Thank you for your comments!
Thank you for your comments! I'm in a limbo right now. His son is 14 years old and he says to me that is very important for his son to have stability by seeing both parents having a good relationship with each other. My ex fiance family supports and demands his ex wife to be at the events because is important to have all the family together. He says that I disrespect his family for wanting him to choose between his son over me and is not even about that I don't have major issues with his son and the truth is that I did care for his son but is about HER. Am I horrible person for wanting my privacy and start a new family?. Who says that because I don't have a child it means I'm less and that's how I feel. I told him I did love him and I even put his family, son and even his ex wife first but what else? what more he wants from me....I feel like a carpet that the ex wife can walk all over me. She is even in a new relationship with another guy and has interaction with his family so is like she wants everything. I'm hurt because he says to me that I want all the cake and the cherry for myself and is so painful to hear that.
This new guy just come out of nowhere 11 years of not having contact with him since school and no he doesn't have kids and he doesn't have a history but is hard just to go through all of this. I feel I don't worth anything.
Thank you for your comments. Thank you!
Denys, you already did the
Denys, you already did the hard part by splitting up with him. If you want a chance at a normal and happy life for you, do not meet your ex-fiance to try to work things out.
He told you how things are in his family, and he's happy with that. You and he will never see eye to eye on what "family" is. It's ok, and at least you know all this NOW rather than after you're married.
You were smart to break up with him, so please don't go back and go through all that hurt again.
You are PRICELESS! Don't
You are PRICELESS! Don't forget that!
And don't let him manipulate you that it's about his 14 year old son. Honestly, the kid is experiencing an UNHEALTHY relationship between his mother & father AND an unhealthy relationship between you and his father. A "good" relationship with ex's have boundaries. Doesn't sound like this guy has any boundaries. Maybe he is the one not over his ex???
Honey, as difficult as it may be right now. This guy 'came out of nowhere' for a reason. Take the time to explore that option. It will do you and your heart good.
HUGS!
Look you need to move on as
Look you need to move on as it sounds as though this guy just wants a maid and a is own personal sex slave. He has no intentions of working on any kind of relationship. With what you describe he is trying to sy you are the bad guy and use you as the escape goat for knowing what he is doing is wrong. Verbal abuse. No one should have to put up with that crap!
Please choose whatever! It is a ploy of guilt nothing more. He knows it is wrong but he is pressured into thinking this is the right way and quilted. If his parents are behind this or his whole family then shame on them and shame on him for letting them have his balls including bm!
You need to not be in this relationship this is not right. From what you have said he wants HIS cake and eat too not you! All you want is a normal life. You are not asking too much he is.
Why cannot you have your own
Why cannot you have your own kids? did he get a V done and wont get it undone unless she says so?
Deny, I have a 29 yr old
Deny, I have a 29 yr old daughter and if she was making the choices you are I would be doing a intervention. In fact I have told her if I find out she has dated a man with children I will go to DC and stay there until it is over. lol.
I love my FDH, but choosing a relationship with someone who already has children creates drama and situations none of us are prepared for. Even those of us who have our own bio children.
You are much to young to saddle yourself with a man 17yrs older than you and has a child.
Have your own family, your own babies if you can. Raising someone else's child, is not the way to go.
You need to run and I do mean run. You have enjoyed this relationship as far and as much as you can.
Life is too short to settle.
I wish you all the best!
I think the most telling
I think the most telling comment you made was this:
" he sees her like she can never do any harm at all."
TOTAL red flag!! This is SOOO like the man I'm with now for eight VERY long years. It's been nothing but misery; these guys DON'T change. They give you lip service, and placate you so you can continue to provide maid service, financial support, "fringe benefits" and then they do what they want to placate the BM and skids when the heat is on.
RUN!! Find a nice childless man, STAT! There are plenty of them out there!!
First off...the big happy
First off...the big happy family with the ex-wife is just plain ridiculous. I would never in a million years agree to that. BM is never welcome to even set foot in my home. She does not celebrate holidays with MY in laws anymore. Once DH divorced her that came to a complete halt. We split holidays with BM and that is that. The expression "It's for the kids" is a crock of shit to be frank. I would say 3 out of 5 children come from divorced households these days? Sheltering these children is not necessary. At least in my opinion. It sounds like your hubby caters to his son and his ex wife..what about YOU his WIFE??? I would be very unhappy in your situation. I am sorry for what you have to deal with. I think you deserve more and I would have a serious talk with him if I were you. Tell him either he changes his ways and starts focusing on his new family and forget about his "first" family..or you leave him. It is absolutely absurd that your DH expects you to have no say in what goes on in YOUR house and that he finds is so necessary to still be so involved with his ex!! Unbelievable!!!!
If you have already broken it
If you have already broken it off, I would keep it that way. There are way too many red flags here and he is still married to her.
Are you SURE they ever got
Are you SURE they ever got divorced? Seems like nobody let the DAD (Dumb Ass Dad) know that!
ROFL!!!
ROFL!!!
What is hard for me is that
What is hard for me is that he says that I'm crazy, irrational, need to grow up and that in the big picture this is so stupid that he blames for everything.
Not only I feel that he turn his back on me, but also his family and yes of course his ex wife that has the support from everybody. In reality is 3 against 1. Even his family wanted the ex wife to tell her new guy to participate on family events and of course the guy said no. That is the same example I use and tell him that of course he doesn't want to participate because is way too uncomfortable.....who wants to be in this type of situation. Is just really weird. My mom is supporting me through this and yes she says to me that they created a pattern way before I enter in this relationship and is hard for me to try to make any changes because they are always going to put her first because they have a child in common.
I never imagine that this type of relationship was going to be that hard. I have a new perspective now about family and besides all of this people assume that step moms don't do anything and that is a total lie at the end in most cases we do more for the kids than the actual mothers and with all the other things that we have to put up.....
My mom says if you go back and accept this then after you are not going to be able to open your mouth because that's the choice you made. With him is take it or leave it not in between so that's why is so hard for me. I do love him but hes asking a lot but at the same time I feel guilty.
s
Listen to your mom.
Listen to your mom.
So, he has: 1. called you
So, he has:
1. called you names
2. blames you for "everything"
3. wants his ex at all big "family" events
Do you want a verbally abusive ASS who is still emotionally attached to his so-called ex?
Your mom is a smart lady.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY that is
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY that is what he wants! Why should you feel guilty?? HE is the wrong not you. I don't get it why he would even still want to be around his ex they are divorced for a reason and if he can't let it go then they should just get back together.
you need to move on and don't let ANYONE guilt you into anything you don't like or want to do! OK
Most important thing to
Most important thing to remember: Guilt and fear is what abusers use to keep their victims under their thumbs. If he has called you names and blames you alone for any issues that are going on, he is an abuser. Do not stay with a man that is not willing to treat you with the respect that you deserve. If you have found a man that is willing to do the things that make you really feel wanted all the time you have no reason to stay with him.... leave the abuser behind.
Denys - I sincerely hope that
Denys - I sincerely hope that you realize you dodged a big bullet by not staying with this guy. Some guys will start out verbally abusive and then turn physically abusive in time. Here is something from a book on verbal abuse. This was very valuable in my own relationship. I hope you get something from it.
BASIC RIGHTS IN A RELATIONSHIP
The right to goodwill from the other
The right to emotional support
The right to be heard by the other and responded to with courtesy
The right to have your own view, even if your mate has a different view
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you find offensive
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business
The right to live free from accusations and blame
The right to live free of criticism and judgment
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect
The right to encouragement
The right to live free from emotional or physical threat
The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage
The right to be called by no name which devalues you
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered
Great list. Should be
Great list. Should be required reading.
Hi Finey! Well to answer your
Hi Finey! Well to answer your question my parents are divorced. The truth is that I dont think that is the issue because I had a boyfriend of my same age but in this case I do love my ex fiance and his age is not important to me (Im 30). Why this is so difficult for me? because when we are alone everything is amazing, we laugh, have a great communication, like the same things and we enjoy everything that we do together but as soon it involves his ex wife is like a switch turns on and I have so much anxiety, negativity and anger because at that moment I feel she has total control over him even though he says how he despise her and don't like her at all. Is like I see two different personalities on one hand he says he loves me to death and he wants to grow old with me but in the other hand is like he turns into another person and he says to me that's where I stand and I'm not moving anywhere, he uses the term my hands are tied up and I cannot do anything at all so you have to take it or leave it. I don't know how to explain it but I have mixed feelings anger and love. I wish none of this happened and he says to me that I just ruined all the relationship, that Im very selfish and I'm only thinking about me.
Ditto...listen to your mom. I
Ditto...listen to your mom.
I would kick him to the curb.
My hubby and I do not have anything to do with his ex-wife.
We don't celebrate her birthday, her children do. There is no reason for us to.
Are you sure he is not still in love with his ex-wife.
He should not be putting you in this situation, period!!
My ex and I get along very
My ex and I get along very well. However .... the only things we would ever attend together is weddings, funerals and important events like graduations etc. Never would my family agree to him attending Christmas with us all. Never in a million years.
So even if your exF agreed with you and no, his ex would remain his ex and you were the one and only woman in his life his family would STILL be inviting her around. Oh what fun! NOT!
He has the best of both worlds. A young woman who is great arm candy and makes him feel young and a woman he has shared a lot of his life with and they share a child. He makes you feel valued and you sparkle in his presence. She makes him feel important and an integral part of her and his son's lives.
He will not compromise. You want a child, he will adopt rather than have another child. Assuming he had a vasectomy he is unwilling to share a biological child with you and succumb to reversal surgery because having a child with you would make his life complete. Even if there was some discomfort for a week or so.
See, he has no compromise. Accept his life as it is. Now some woman may accept what he has to offer. But I don't think that is you. You are young enough to have your own biological child and should eventually marry someone who wnats the same thing. You are being asked to make all the concessions for her. Thanksgiving, her birthday. Christmas with her popping in and staying.
Now the only way I would tolerate even a smidgen of this relationship would be if the ex was an orphan with no aunts, uncles or cousins... completely alone. And she recognised that her ex has a new woman in his life and she stands back and lets me shine. My Sister in law and my DHs ex are still friends and it makes things awkward.
Do not meet with him. He will not compromise and wants something more than you can give. Whether it is right or wrong it is the way his dysfunctional life is lead.
Hon, run away. 1. You're
Hon, run away.
1. You're 30-about to enter your sexual prime and this guy 17yrs older is about to go limp
2. You have no kids and obviously can find a guy w/no kids GO with that
3. His kid and exwife will always be first -he's told you that and to take it or leave it
4. He insults you and calls YOU crazy because "you're not a parent" and "immature".
Love or not this man doesn't deserve you-go take his advice and stay gone. Break all ties, do not contact him, lose his number, his facebook, block his e-mail and move on. This man's ONLY offer to you is a lifetime of pain, humiliation and feeling second or third best. You deserve better.
Explore your options-but take your time. Date casually-even if this new guy-enjoy it-make plans for a family of your own. Thi ex fiance wants a young trophy wife most likely to put up w/his messed up idea of "family". Don't let that be you.