Step son lying
I have been dating my fiancé for two years. He has two boys from his previous marriage that are ages 7 and 8. I have a 3 year old daughter from a relationship prior to meeting my fiancé and am currently expecting another little baby at the end of August.
Since we have started dating I have had many many issues with simply trying to cope with the boys mother being in my life no matter what I do, and if I really wanted to
Be a stepmother of children who were not raised the way I would have raised them myself. My daughter has been so well behaved so far since birth. Her father was in her life but not as much as he should have been and is started to come around since I've started dating again. Needless to say my daughter is the way she is and is so well behaved because of me, and the way I raised her to be so far. My daughter was one when I started dating my fiancé, so he gets treated pretty much like he is her father, because in her eyes, he is, he is also raising her. With that being said he couldn't possibly imagine the struggles I'm having being in the lives of two little boys who are older enough to understand I'm just daddy girlfriend and I don't matter. They were raised already for the most part and are the way they are because of him and his ex wife.
Now the oldest son Ryan fakes sick when it's dinner time by "my stomach hurts" or "I'm going to throw up" but while playing with his brother he is fine, when told to eat his food once more, he goes again with the same phrases. I have told my fiancé that he has no fever, he was just eating breakfast and lunch perfectly fine, and he already pooped today. I picked up his plate(aggravated because it wasn't the first, second, or third time) and tell him to go try to throw up, if you cannot,go lay in bed until you feel better. While he always cries when someone raises their voice with them especially me, my fiancé get mad at me and tells me I'm mean he doesn't feel good and that is why he is upstairs crying, I tell him he is up crying because he was yelled at not sick and to let it play out. He of course ignores me, tells me I'm wrong and then heads to his room to baby him some more, tells him a hot bath might help and when done gives him the iPad to play and, Geesh what an amazing recovery he has until the following night at dinner time, which I left the table when it started.
This son was diagnosed with asthma within the first couple months of me dating their father. My daughter and myself also have asthma so I am well aware of what wheezing sounds like and the medicines. When I was growing up and wanted attention from my mother I used to wake up and tell her I couldn't breath and physically try to make appear as though I was having problems breathing. Now it being over a year and a half of having known asthma, he still at bedtime only comes to our room and acts like he cannot breath, but is NOT wheezing at all just appears to be taking obnoxious deep breaths, often now throughout the night and before school Monday morning. If my fiancé is out late, and I am home with the boys by myself, he is fine, not one problem with his breathing.
I had brought it up numerous time to my fiancé, he was going through emergency medicine like crazy and it is not inexpensive. Each time upon bringing it to his attention I have been shut down and out. I also told him to stop making it fun, don't give home your iPad to play with, don't let him watch tv or play on his ds while he does his treatment. Sit there with him and watch it stop. And again I'm ignored.So I talked to his bio mom(last resort). She has th mon-fri for school. I asked her how often he needs it and gets up for it at her house, she said she hasn't given it to him in over a year, that she asked my fiancé why he gets it so much here.....
This really upset me, so I figured it was either from my dogs(she doesn't have any) or he is simply faking it for attention. I got rid of my dogs and scrubbed the house clean, washed their blankets, absolutely everything and still he is doing it, and fiancé won't listen to me or take him for an allergy test.... I'm devastated I had gotten rid of my dogs for no reason, because he doesn't want to confront his son.
What am I to do? I don't want my daughter or new baby being babied like this their entire life, to be told it's okay to lie, you get rewarded, and to just constantly feel like my opinions do not matter at all? Please I need some advice.
This kid is obviously doing
This kid is obviously doing all of this for attention. I noticed that you are new, so not sure if you have seen the term "mini-wife" yet or if you already know what it means, but it's another example of an extreme that a daughter will resort to for daddddeeeeyyyyyy attention.
Unfortunately, the case is similar and it all falls on your SO. If he cannot see the issue and correct it, there won't be much you can do to avoid escalation let alone to eliminate it.
I would encourage your SO to give attention as a reward for positive behavior. However this needs to happen- sticker charts/rewards systems, ice cream if you eat all of your dinner there are a lot of possibilities. If proper attention gets rewarded and negative attention gets ignored, these kids will figure it out quickly. Unfortunately, it sounds like your SO is happy to reward the negative attention seeking behavior. There has to be a way to help him see the negatives of this and how at 7 it might be faking sick but by the teenage years it could be much worse.
i agree about the mini wife
i agree about the mini wife syndrome. the so is blind to the behavior of his children and how they are manipulating him. he might even think it is "cute." i had a skid who lied to the father's face and he would laugh and say how cute it was. this was not a three year old but a child who was 6 and old enough to know he was lying. the child knew he was making a fool of his father.
the child is using his illness to manipulate. i personally would never get rid of a dog or cat for a skid. i am horrified you did this in the first place. just another example of stepmothers bending over backwards and turning themselves into martyrs to make their significant others children happy. i feel sorry for your pets and their being given away like unwanted furniture or clothing. and now you know their presence was not the reason for the health issues.
you are beginning to wake up to the real pain and humiliation of being turned into a doormat by your so's children. they are probably laughing at you behind your back. as they get older, they will gain the confidence to laugh at you to your face.
if you are new to all this you might read wednesday martin's book "stepmonster." it will open your eyes to a lot of what is happening here.
in the end, you have to say to yourself, "not my kids, not my problem."
Start by getting the dogs
Start by getting the dogs back. You've had problems with this guy since you started dating so your solution is to get pregnant? WTF are you thinking?
OK - you can't get un-pregnant so now what?
Disengage from his kids - link below. Become inured to the fact that you will be the parent to your two children because he's not a parent. Below is a link to a article on disengaging. Give it a read and implement what you think will work in your situation. Count days until they graduate from school but otherwise don't involve yourself in their lives.
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
i dont know how long it has
i dont know how long it has been since the dogs were given/thrown away, but the dogs now have a new home IMO. to take them away from their new home now would be cruel.
btw, by giving the dogs away on the whim of this child, the lesson driven home was "animals are disposable." likewise, the children will also learn that other things in life are that way--like relationships.
skids dont see the new spouse as the partner of their parent due to the parents lack of letting the child know that the new spouse is permanent--period.
one problems with our culture is that divorce is rampant due to no one wanting to work to keep a commitment like marriage. likewise, a pet is a lifelong commitment. throw away pets and throw away marriage vows.
sorry, depending on how long the dogs have be rehomed, getting the dogs back would not be advisable.
I don't appreciate the way
I don't appreciate the way you spoke of my pregnancy,. You were incredibly insulting. But I do wish to tell you that the article you posted was In fact helpful. So thank you for that, and only that.
LOL BRILLIANT!
LOL BRILLIANT!
In military boot camp the
In military boot camp the rumor was raised that the shots had to go in the left testicle to put it politely. Some actually believed it and many a pale face stood in line waiting. Toss that in for good measure and don't back down when your husband tries to tell the kid you're just kidding. OK not the testicle maybe but yes THREE a day. We'll start tomorrow if you don't get better real quick.
I am very upset to feel like
I am very upset to feel like I came here for some advice and am instead getting bashed for being pregnant and finding a new home for my dogs. The baby was not planned but will be loved so very much, and the dogs were not "thrown" away, I made 100% sure they were going to a good home, they were not simply given to the first person that said they wanted them. Although I have had some helpful advice from comments and I do appreciate the people that did just that, give me advice, thank you so very much, all said is being taken into serious consideration. So thank you to all who helped, and to all that think they needed to voice their opinions about things this post wasn't intended for I hope you have a wonderful day.
I had my fiancé read the
I had my fiancé read the article about disengaging and told him that will be the next step I take if he doesn't start to help me and make me feel like I am a part of all if their lives. Seems like we have found some common ground and he agreed to take his son to the dr. Dr said he is taking in air just fine and it could have possibly have been the dogs bothering his asthma but not as badly as he made it seem. Dr talked to him about concentrating on his medicine when he needs it instead of playing games because he needs to take long deep breaths for it to work and is too preoccupied with the games. He was also told for three days he is not to run around, and play outside, he is to take it easy, and everytime it "acts up" to handle it this way and we shall see a change. I brought up to the dr about dinner and he suggested his alternative to being sick at dinner should be a bland diet, since his stomach "is upset" he can have toast no butter, rice, cranberry Juice etc. while we are having our dinner. Until he feels better. I think the dr really opened my fiances eyes that his son is simply not a baby anymore and will be testing waters and won't stop until we correct it. I am very hopeful that this has helped, but I have an alternative if it does not... My fiancé doesn't feel like disengaging will be "fun" for him and so agreed to help much more.
to the op chellie, i am sorry
to the op chellie, i am sorry you take exception to what some members might have said, but it was opinions you asked for, not specifically validations.
by the way, i noticed you said, "got rid of" your dogs, and not "found new homes for" in your original post. that choice of words speaks volumes.
some of us gave our opinions and you could not accept them, and chose to find them insulting. it is naive to come to a public forum and not expect to find views that may different from yours.
you are not the first poster in these forums who wanted only validation for what you thought or wanted to hear. all of us have differing viewpoints based on our own different experiences.
as the doctor admitted that the ss "could have possibly" (not certainly) been affected by the dogs but not the degree he claimed/acted, the ss seems to be playing you for a fool. you already know he is faking by playing sick as he knows it has worked in the past. children can be very manipulative, and he may have manipulated you into giving away your cherished dogs. you may not want to hear that. some of us on this board are experienced stepparents, and you seem new to some of the games children play. skids can be very cruel. do not underestimate how cruel they can be, including attempting to break you up with their parent or even cause a divorce, and also breaking your heart by manipulating you into giving up your pets.
i stick with my earlier opinion.
for the record, it is very easy to "fake" an asthma attack.