Im about to lose it....Really. Please Help Me!
I've been here, only on the other side, I was the vindictive Ex that wanted to make life miserable for my kids Dad. I hated him, he cheated on me and left the marriage, with a 2 year old, and when I was 8 mos. prego with his daughter, shes now 8 years old and hes 10. We had our battles in court over the stupid stuff, child support and him not paying, visitation and him skipping out, and having a new wife who wanted to play "mommy" at every opportunity, even acting as an "attorney" for my ex while we went to court for custody, which I got. Oh I was livid, not only because he left me pregnant with nowhere to go, but that my kids didnt deserve to suffer that. Untill one day (actually over a period of a few months), we decided, "you know, its not about us anymore, we are DONE"....(he had since divorced his next wife) "but these kids deserve whats best for them, if you dont ever want to see them then fine, you dont deserve them, but if you want to see them and have a relationship, then its not about money or contracts", its not about whos on top moreso than the other parent, and we agreed, we tore up the contracts, he has been there for them since, and life is much easier for all involved, without COURT. We actually get along fine, but without contact, any contact, unless its about what time hes coming or im coming to get the kids, or medical stuff. Its understood we dont mingle in eachothers personal life, and thats what makes the difference.
Well.....being divorced for over 7 years I decided it was time to settle down again. I found my soul mate 4 months ago, and when I mean soul mate, I mean it. My fiancee is the best there is, biggest heart and wonderful to me. And we....we alone are happy(and with the kids)...but thats where my bliss ends, because now i'm on the other side. He has been separated since last September '06, and we met in January '07, so this is a fresh split. I know things will be difficult, I know this, since he has 2 boys with her, 6 and 14. Let it be said that when our families(his BK and mine) are together we all get along wonderfully, the kids love eachother amazingly and theres no tension that we can tell. Well, the boys mother has recently filed with the court and is taking the BF for SOLE custody.For no other reason than that shes jealous. Since she found out that were together, since day one, literally, she has used those boys to hurt us. In my opinion, and with proof, I believe she is borderline personality disorder and Hyperchondriac. OH...EVERYTHING is wrong with the 6 year old...HA!, asthma, allergies, sinus infections, food allegies,you name it, but AMAZINGLY when hes with us hes NEVER displayed any symptoms. Im the Team Mom for his baseball League and his father is his coach, he runs all day and no heavy asthma-like wheezing. He suddenly got a raspy voice 2 days ago and came back to our house one morning smelling like alchohol. He said it was some sort of nose spray his mother foced in him amongst several doctor and ER visits for a simple ear infection which he has antibiotics for already(she thought the orange ear wax was BLOOD and rushed him to the ER for attention) CoooCoooo!!!!!
He is walked to school every morning by his dad,(the school is 3 houses up the road)and home, by either his dad , myself or his 14 yr old brother every day, whom has decided to stay with us at our house permanantly now because of the stress she has caused him. The 6 yr old screams and tells her he wants to stay, its heartbreaking, as his caretaker(and as a mother) I just want to shelter him from all bad....and right now, SHE is the BAD. But im powerless,..... funny cuz if I was, lets say, a social worker...and i saw the display of anxiety that child has to go thru on a daily basis... id have her put in the looney bin for causing so much emotional distress to her son and take away her rights as a mother!! If she had a single motherly bone in her body you would think she would make exceptions such as letting him stay a few extra hours or an overnight on occasion when he asks, other than on the weekends. She pushes every aspect of the contract and the specific times and such, instead of seeing what is BEST for her son, seeing as how shes lost one son already. He refuses to have anything to do with her, hes tried so hard to try to ask to spend quality time with her and she pulls the rug out from underneath him all the time, shes too busy or she has AVON to do, always something....long and exasperating stories, lets just say hes fed up with the lies.
Well now shes taking her aggression and frustration out on me. We now have a rule that she is not allowed on the property for the drop-offs or pick-ups of visitations. She has flipped me the bird, called me horrible names, says im a bad mother,(i've never had a conversation with this character before), calls me a B&*$# to her 6 year old, not to mention a MOTHER F&*@&$*....to turn him against me, says she needs a background check on me before she can trust me with her kids, and it hurts. I volunteered to be the Team Mom for his little league and since then she is on the field telling lies about me to the other parents to get them on her "side". I try to block her and ignore it all, but it has had such an affect on me, to have been thru it and see those poor kids suffering at the hands of her and her mental problems, I havent even touched on her mental stability, but I know ive written alot, so im just gonna leave it at that, I want to keep my kids happy, all 4 of them in my eyes, I want to make her see what shes doing, any tips on how to wake a parent up to the fact that they are hurting thier kids???? Doesnt she know ripping them away from their dad is the worst thing she can do?? They are closer to BF than she will ever be with them. And why are her eyes dialated every time we see her, something we recently noticed, she seems very "spacey".
Sorry its so long but its such penned up bad energy, im glad someone listens to us, were the victims in cases like this, but never noticed as such.
Is he Separated or Divorced!
This part I didn't understand. Ok is he still married, and I would hope your not calling yourself his financee if he is. That being said, I hope he wasn't foolish enough to live with you not being divorced in front of his children. Could that be a possibility why theres some anger? You go to the games and volunteered while still a girlfriend? I certainly could have gotten that all wrong, but the part I do understand is the mother wanting full custody, not uncommon at all and if your bf is still married then I can see her reasons. If this man is a good father he would have gotten divorced, and slowly "introduce" you to the children after he was positive it was a sure thing or at least long term. Thats how good parents behave, so I'm just trying to see both sides here. Have you looked at it from her point of view?
I have to agree with you.
I have to agree with you. If the shoe was on the other foot, it would be a whole different ballgame. My son's father and I split up when he was 9 months old. He married when my son was 4 and a half. He is now 10. The woman he married comes to ballgames, etc. but knows her boundaries and does not over step them. I include them in everything that my son does, however team mom, etc is my job. If she would like to help then she should ask if it's ok with me. Not just jump in there and try to take over my spot and life. Basically the mother is acting rationally because the father left her, a short time ago and has moved in, it sounds like with another woman. That is unhealthy for the children. Once the divorce is said and done she will calm down. She does not sound mental to me, just sounds like she is very hurt. I don't know the whole situation, but my advice is to try and talk to the mother. Include her in ball.... Don't make her feel like you have stepped in and trying to take over her life. It's bad enough she lost her husband, evidentally whom she had for many years.
Um...
being a Team Mom is not a granted right to a biological mother... that role is open to anyone that volunteers... and most are often fulfilled by the coaches wives... or in this case Fiance. Did BM step up to the plate? Most likely not.
You know, I get sorta sick of posters who assume that all activities are the sole propitiatory right of the biological parent, yet, they don't always stop to look at the bigger picture of things. For one thing, my SS's BM blew up at me once over a costume that SS had to wear for a school play that I made. She went on about how it was her right to make his costume, etc etc... but she didn't stop to listen to the ENTIRE story of circumstances of WHY I made the costume... because I was asked by SS. She just ASSUMED that I was in some competition with her, but the truth of the matter was because a 6 year old came to me very excited, happy as a clam, and asked me because he always saw me sewing- not his mother. His mother didn't even own a sewing machine, and the first person he thought of was me... not his mother. So, it just goes to show you, kids pick up on who really really really participates and who just watches from the side lines.
The other side of the story was that his teacher also asked me to sew costumes... COSTUMES. So, it wasn't just SS's costume that I made. I happened to be greatly involved in his school... she wasn't. She didn't realize this either.
Asking a BM if 'it's okay' is just plain childish... and I'm sorry, but I'm not her child nor do I need permission from her... pleeaassseeee. Do you ask permission with your EX? I doubt it. If I want to volunteer to do something that only 10% of the membership is going to put their foot forward, then hell be it... get over it. It is insecurity on a BM's behalf to believe that a SM involved in a child's sport/activity/school is taking 'their' place or spot. That can only be done by a BM who pushes their child away from them. Be thankful that a woman is willingly and able to participate in their lives... .
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Wait a minute....
I too am a BM and SM.... I understand what Momshayx4 is saying AND I also understand what the 2 anonymous posters are saying....
I agree that it sounds like the BM in this case is very hurt.... BUT that is not the Momshayx4's problem....
My DH's ex is the same way.... she cheated multiple times, she walked out multiple times.... yet when my DH finally told her that he had ENOUGH she was all 'hurt' when he moved on?? COME ON! What the hell do you expect??
I also agree that it must hurt the BM to have the 'new fiance' step in and step up to the plate and start caring for the kids.... It does hurt...but really, why does it hurt? Is it because she feels threatened? Is it because the SM is more hands on and it makes the BM insecure with her own parenting? Does she feel that she is being replaced?? Regardless of why it hurts the BM's feelings it is not the SM's problem.... her only concern is the kids.... and if BM does not like the fact that SM loves and cares about the kids and shows that in her outward actions... TOO BAD!
When became involved with my now DH, I naturally stepped in as a SM.... (although at the time I was not yet the SM) and my DH's ex actually told me that she didn't like the fact that she heard me tell 'her' kids that I love them.... OF course I didn't say this to her... but, TOO BAD.... I do love them.... would she rather I not love them?.... would she rather I treat them differently than my own two kids, or make them feel like outsiders?? Would she rather I not love and care for them?? Maybe she'd like it if I neglected them? Come on, look at what you are saying....
These ex's are hurt because their pride has been hurt and they feel threatened because we are good moms and it shows, and that is it.... they are not thinking about the kids best interests.... they are acting out of their own jealously and their own issues.... AGAIN, NOT OUR PROBLEM....
I have also been on the 'receiving side' by the way. When my son's SM stepped in and started playing mommy to my son... I too felt the natural insecurity and felt that my role as my son's mother was threatened, nonetheless I was not detered, I continued to mother my son the same.... in the end when all the dust settled it turned out the my son's SM was looking for a reaction OR maybe acting like Super Mom because of her own insecurites or need to prove something to my son's father.... because now she is really nowhere to be found.... I don't mind if she wants to be a mom to my son.... because in all reality she IS a mom to my son.... (when he is there).... What I don't like is that is seems she was not only faking it, but that she actually EXPECTED me to back down and become less of a mom to my own son in order to make room for her.... I figure that there is room enough for the both of us.... Really, whats the harm? My son may be overloaded with too much love and attention?? Really, I'm Okay with that.
I don't think the BM in Momshayx4's case is at all 'concerned' about the kids... she is jealous and having a hard time with the fact that her ego took a blow when her EX husband moved on.... and again when another mother came in to the picture and began loving 'her' kids.... Cry me a river.... A lot worse can be going on....
The bottom line Momshayx4 is that I think you are doing nothing wrong, and everything right (So long as you are not faking it).... don't let the ex's obvious issues become your problem.... love the kids, take care of kids, and love them even more when the ex is being a psycho.... be a safe place for the kids and don't let her get in your way.
Amen, sister!
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
enough is enough
Seriously don't you and Chocoholic have enough drama in your own lives now you want to add more? you make your own decisions, if this is where you want to be, surrounded by all this drama then here you go. If he really is your soul mate then you should let him figure this stuff out on his own first before getting involved, plus the issues with the skids , a whole different story, you should only be there to support (your fiance, and skids) you get too involved and you are asking for it, with out a doubt she will come after all of you, I have had my fair share of dealing with the psychos and they always will come after you.
chocoholic
You've said it all. The only thing I could possibly add is that no matter what BM says, don't let her rent space in your head for free and surround yourself in the knowledge that you fiancee has chosen YOU to be the 2nd mother to his kids. Let the BM handle her own issues.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
This is to anonmyous
By all means all opinions are always welcome on Step-Talk from what I have seen in the 2 years I have been posting, and when people's opinions differ from mine I always like to learn more because a new perspective is always good. So if you don't mind I have pulled an excerpt from your post and if you could respond I would love to hear more.
You stated:
I include them in everything that my son does, however team mom, etc is my job. If she would like to help then she should ask if it's ok with me. Not just jump in there and try to take over my spot and life. Basically the mother is acting rationally because the father left her, a short time ago and has moved in, it sounds like with another woman.
Is there a reason you keep referring to your son in the singular content, (my, me etc) I do not know how your son came to be YOUR son, but unless it was immaculate conception that is one of the concerns I have. As a BM myself, I don't care how silly my kids BIO DAD may be, how much headached he was in my opinion while we were married, I didn't conceive nor bring OUR kids into this world ALONE. GOD placed that greatness into my womb from DAD. (Not trying to get spiritual) so even if you don't believe in a higher power it would be probably fair to say that ypur son is not immaculately conceived, their was another person involved which therefore SON became OURS. Why do you feel that another woman who is involved with the FATHER of your son would need to ask your permission about anything? Seriously, does Dad ask your permission? I ask this because the woman in your sons life would be in his life because of her relationship with DAD. Now 100% if YOU personally befriended this same lady and she only knows BS from her contact with you, I somewhat get your rationalization more because you are the contact between SON and HER, but YOU are not the contact between DADS GF OR WIFE and SON, there is a DAD still there. Out of respect for DADS wishes I will do what he sees FIT if I am involved with DAD not WHAT BM sees fit. Do you see the difference?
How can anyone take over your spot and LIFE? Unless you feel that the LIFE they are living was your life that you no longer have any more, and is that really this persons fault? I mean on worse case and I mean worse case, if you are married and YOUR DH leaves you for another woman, is the woman stealing your life, or did DH leave the life you 2 had? Now the majority of SM on this site came into the father's life MONTHS and YEARS after the marriage ended by DIVORCE not seperation, there are some but few that are with the DAD while he is still legally married. So if I came into DAD's life after you two divorced, how am I living your LIFE? This is an legitimate question, how am I living your life, when you aren't in the picture. Is it that you are jealous of the LIFE that someone you once knew intimately is now sharing with someone other than you? AND if you are being honest then she isn't living YOUR LIFE she is living her life, with the man she loves, who just happens to have spent some time with you BEFOREHAND. GF, NEW WIFE, STEP MOM is not the cause of your anger and you are very angry, you really are. Maybe you could begin to enjoy YOUR LIFE if you were grateful for all that you do have and WHO ALL you do have in your life and stop seeing other people as OUT TO STEAL something from you.
"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)
Momsayx4
I am truly sorry that you are having a difficult time with your boyfriends ex. Have you tried to befriend her? She probably is jealous and feels threatened. Surely you can understand that. Your love is new and you may not know the whole story behind their split. She may have a reason for her actions, or should I say reactions. You are right, she shouldn't behave this way,but you need to take the upper hand and take control and try as much as you can to befriend her. Maybe then she will change her tune.This is only hurting her kids. It is good that you and your fiance are united with this. I do not get the same respect from my husband, and its been almost ten years! I still feel like the outsider, at times. He does everything he can to make his ex and the kids feel secure, and often its to my expense, but that's another topic. Good luck and keep us posted!
Wow, I just found this site
Wow, I just found this site on a search engine and I could be reading my own life!!
I got involved with hubs 3 years after he and his wife separated - they had a decree nisi but not absolut. It took them 5 years to agree custody and contact. I waited a year before meeting the kids.
BM is crazy. At first she was nice to me - to the exclusion of hubs. She would not speak to him at all about the kids, only to me. Foolishly, I agreed thinking I could help reach a common ground. I realize with hindsight how arrogant that was - they couldn't stay married, how was I going to negotiate a truce? What an ego.
Anyway, eventually she turned on me when she realized I wasn't going away and I wouldn't 'realize' what a ba***** my hubs was (her words). She started to write hubs letters about not allowing 'her children' to go away with us or any of his 'subsequent wives'. She threatened to shoot me for letting her 8 year old daughter walk into a candy shop on her own and buy 25 worth of candy while I watched through the window. She sent letter after letter accusing me of being horrible to her children. She went hysterical when one of them hugged me.
SHE HAS NEVER GOTTEN ANY BETTER.
It is now 10 years on. What Mommyshay wrote in her original mail - it is still there. And you know what - its her problem. How many people can love a child?? How can it ever be too many???? I have friend's kids, nieces, nephews, God children, all whom I love and who love me. It is great. Their parents love that they are so happy with me. There is no jealousy because I am not a 'step mom'. As a step mom, BM hates me. Were I an aunt, she would probably be grateful to have someone in the family so loving to her kids.
I have had to accept that my BM will never change, will never stop abusing those kids (the things she tells them about us and especially about their father) is so awful we have at various times had to get agencies involved we were so worried, and will never ever ever put the kids first. Her anger rules the house - she is far more filled iwth hatred for her ex than love for her kids. So hang in there, I hope it works out better for you and yours.