Am I just being an idiot
Hi all, I am new here and i have been struggling with this issue for a few days now. I dont know if I am just taking this to personally and being stupid or am I right. Anyhow here is what happened.
My 16 year old step daughter was staying with her aunt and uncle for the summer doing some baby sitting and such. She was due to come home next week. Saturday, my stepdaughter got ahold of my wife and asked to come home early. My wife told me and I didnt think much of it. Later that night we were talking about the trip to her sisters house. I asked her why she was coming home early and she said that my stepdaughter had asked her not to tell me and that she had agreed. I kinda laughed and started spouting off reasons, did she get drug, is she pregnant, did they have a fight, etc... She told me at there was alchol involved, but wouldnt tell me anymore. I asked her to tell me what was going on and she said that she promised not to tell me and that I would just have to trust her.
Needless to say i got somewhat pissed about this not being told stuff and went to bed. Sunday she was up and gone before I woke up and I pretty much spent the day thinking about this. Why cant I know, how bad could it be. I am a pretty even tempered person and I am not prone to violence or anything like that. I will however defend my family. Did someone hurt her? Did she do something that I am completely against, drugs, etc... This is what has run through my head all day. Later that night they got home and I havent spoken to either of them much.
Monday was quiet, my wife and I spoke but I kept busy and havent spoke more that a few sentences at a time to her.
After 2 full days of thinking about all this, im pretty upset. Its not that my stepdaughter doesnt want me to know, she is a teenager what do you expect. Its not that I dont trust my wife. Its that I am completely being cut out of it. We have been married 7 years come next sunday. So I have help raise this girl since she was 9. I understand that I have have a lot of say with her, but iv always known what was going on and gotten to give my opinion. My wife knows that I am upset about this, but hasnt tried to talk to me or anything. I think that she thinks that i am just being stupid. Maybe I am.
Some advice please!
Thanks
I agree you have a right to
I agree you have a right to know what happened. Perhaps your SD has begged your wife not to tell you as she fears you would be angry/upset with her, but there should not be such secrets between husband and wife, in my view. Ask her how she would like it if in a similar situation where SD had perhaps come and confided in you, and you refused to tell your wife what was going on.
I think I would be MOST upset if my DH refused to tell me something that had happened with one of his daughters that was important enough to mean they came home early from some commitment they had made. You are definitely not being stupid.
She wont tell me, because she
She wont tell me, because she told my SD she wouldnt not because she is ashamed. I think, I have a right to know. This will come to a head in a day or 2 and it will be all my fault for being stupid and not understanding teenage girls or mother daughter relationships or some crap. Our anniversary is Sunday and I am afraid this will ruin it. Im not really angry with them at this point more depressed that they think I cant be trusted or they dont respect me as a step parent or hell i dont know.
Sorry, your wife is wrong. I
Sorry, your wife is wrong.
I have a pretty good relationship with SD15. She tends to look at ME as the primary parent, possibly because BM rules the roost with an iron fist, and I dunno, the woman is in charge of the house, or something. There have been MANY times when SD15 has asked me to, "Don't tell Dad!" when she reveals things she thinks or does.
It may be "violating her privacy" but I tell him anyway. MY primary relationship is with DH, not her - as her parent, he needs to know what's going on. Not once has he gotten angry or used what I've told him against her.
I'm sorry that your wife's head is stuck up her daughter's butt.
Ask her if this was your
Ask her if this was your biochild together would she keep it from you? She wants you to treat your SD as your own right? Then she needs to treat you like she would the girls biodad and tell you, secrets tear apart a marriage and to be honest I truly believe until there out on there own kids have no right to privacy. Parents, both parents need to know everything so that they can be prepared and look for warning signs so that whatever happens doesn't happen again. My mom is my best friend but until I was 19 and earning my own way my mother insisted on knowing everything and I may have resisted a litle but not that much she was my parent and I had been raised knowing that was what was best for me. I didn't grow up to rescent or hate her, I love her and hope to be that kind of mother myself, I think parents get so afraid there kids won't "like" them they get afraid to do what they need to do as parents.
^^^Sorry but I don't agree
^^^Sorry but I don't agree with this at all. He has a right to know what's going on with his SD, or else he should do like another poster said and let his wife deal with ALL the SD's problem. Next time SD needs money for something, it can come from his wife's own personal bank account then and not his. If she needs food to eat, let the wife take care of it.
You definitely have a right
You definitely have a right to know. You have helped raised her and you have all the responsibility of a bioparent since she's living under your roof, so your wife is WRONG on this one. Nothing pisses me off like finding out my wife has hid some information about something SD21 has done because she knows I'll be angry and want to kick her out. Whatever your SD did will come out eventually, but you have a right to be pissed off.
I agree that your wife is
I agree that your wife is wrong to assure her daughter that she will keep secrets from you. The two of you are supposed to be a team...working TOGETHER to help the child in your home become the best she can be.
Your wife is sending a message to her daughter that THEY are a team & that YOU are not, which leaves the child with the impression that the bond between you & your wife can be compromised.
Not to mention that now you'll be expected to continue to help raise & teach this child, not having any idea what you're facing.
Your wife has compromised your repoire with your SD.
^^ I agree 100% with this.
Your wife is wrong...I agree
Your wife is wrong...I agree with everyone above. She can tell you and ask you not to say anything to SD. But, you have a right to know.
The mother is wrong. If it
The mother is wrong. If it was intended to be confidential, and it is a matter that you, stepdad, will never have any responsibility for, mom should have kept it confidential all the way—ie as StepAside said provide a reasonable explanation such as homesickness.
Mom deliberately piqued your concern and put you on the outside by letting you know that stepdaughter wanted it kept a secret from you and that it involved alcohol. Disrespectful move on her part and I would also add manipulative. Now that mom has let it out, it is really her responsibility to tell you the whole story, or better yet have stepdaughter tell you.
Rights and responsibilities work together.
I feel that you should know
I feel that you should know what happened. Whether it be from your wife or your SD. As the SM my SD16 has come to me with a lot of things over the years that she did not want to tell her dad. I encouraged her and supported her so that she could tell him. I also gave him the heads up, so that he was able to respond in a supportive way without jumping to conclusions. My husband and I are a team, just as you and your wife should be.
What I base my choices on is how my parents raised me. I know that stepparents and bio-parents are not the same, but I thinking parenting is parenting. Anyway, in my whole life I never told one parent something that I did not expect/want the other parent to know. I see them as a team, why would I ever expect one of them to pick me over the other?
Rights to know or not, his
Rights to know or not, his wife is sending a poor message to her daughter in assuring her that she'll keep secrets from her husband.
Not to mention, if the wife has no intention of telling him, why dangle the little bit of info that she did? Why say anything at all?
Sounds like a 10-year old playing "I know something you don't know".
Mom should have kept her
Mom should have kept her mouth closed about SD not wanting SD to know what is going on. Kids should be able to keep some things between them and their bio parents. There are things that my son speak to me about that I will never share with my DF. I know there things that he and his oldest 2 share that I'm unaware of and I'm fine with that. I don't keep info about his kids from him. Anything they come to me with, I take to him.