Need Advice To Save Marriage!
:? I married the LOVE OF MY LIFE when I was 19. We were married about a year before he left me. We argued alot. He says he didn't leave me for someone else but it only took him about a week to have another woman. We tried to reunite even after he did that but it didn't work, she wouldn't leave him alone. We divorced & he married her. I also got remarried. He was married to her for about 12 yrs. & I was also married to someone for about 12 yrs. He had 4 girls with her. At least he took the daddy role, he's even said himself he doesn't know for sure if their his. Anyway, he & I reunited in 2009 & remarried in 2010 (16 years to the day we were married the 1st time). I Love this man more than I have ever loved anyone!!! However, I DO NOT love the kids! They look too much like their ugly mom & are just reminders to me of the AWFUL PAIN of our marriage ending yrs ago. I'm not mean to them but I DO NOT think I should be forced to be around them if I don't want to be. When we were just living together, they came to our house every other weekend (which was fine), but I stayed in our room & avoided them as much as possible. Shortly after we married, our house burned & we had to stay at his mom's for about 6 months (fun, fun) til we got another home. I did the same thing there, stayed in our room as much as I could. We moved into this home about 8 months ago & he still has not plumbed it & hooked the water up! Not kidding! We have to go somewhere else to take baths, wash clothes, etc. So when the girls are down here, he has to go to his mom's & stay with them because we have no water. He gets mad at me though because I don't wanna go over there & play one big happy family. I want to stay at home! That is what I consider normal, not having to stay at my in-laws every other weekend. I lived with her 6 months, I had enough of that! I don't say anything about him having to go over there but he says plenty about me not going & staying with him. I'm just a b!#@$ when it comes to that in his eyes. He is an only child & such a mama's boy anyway. He'll do whatever she needs, fix things, mow, cook, whatever. But nothing at his own house. The yard is knee deep in grass, no water, front porch hasn't even been attached, the list goes on. I live like it's the 40's here but I'd rather be here living like the old days than to be at his mom's listening to her whining (son this, son that, my son) & hear those girls whining (daddy, daddy, daddy every 5 seconds). If he wanted me to be with him so bad it just seems to me that he'd get all this stuff at his own house done so the kids would be coming over here instead of at his mom's. At least I could be uncomfortable in my own house! And my husband could at least sleep by me at night! He's a truck driver so I only get to sleep by him a few nights a month anyway & we've only been married a year! Half the time he says himself that he dreads having to go to his mom's when their here, but he expects me to want to. I mean really? I just don't know what to do! I love him so much, maybe too much, but I'll NEVER LOVE THOSE KIDS. I just CANNOT FEEL SOMETHING THAT I DON'T. I told him from day one that I would always love him, but not them & he said ok as long as I loved him, that was enough. It's like he expected my feelings for them to change after we got married. I'm sorry this is so long. I could go on & on because this is just the half of it. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE give me some advice! I don't want to lose him again!!! Thank You!
Do you have kids with your
Do you have kids with your ex? If you do then you need to let him know that how would he feel if you did that crap to him?? Ask how would he feel if you told him he as an ass just b/c he didn't feel the same about your kids that he is asking you to feel about his? Oh and tell him he needs to get the crap done on the house or you will stay at a hotel til it is done. I have done this very thing. Sometimes you have to make them feel the same way you feel.
No, I do not have any
No, I do not have any children with anyone. And I have asked him how he would feel & he'll say, I wouldn't have a problem with the kids. He has no way of knowing that though!!! Especially kids that started from infidelity against me in the 1st place. He'll never understand how I feel I don't think. He says he doesn't know why I don't see them as just kids & not as reminders of what he did to me in the past. I wish I could, but I just can't & he knew that from the start. I don't try to make him not see them or anything. I just want him to stop trying to shove them down my throat. That only makes it worse & really makes me not to want anything to do with them because he tries to force it. It's making me resent him too & I don't want that either! I'm just lost & physically ill over it. It's tearing me apart. Thanks for your advice!
Maybe he's staying at his
Maybe he's staying at his mom's house so that his kids don't have to be around you. He may be tired of the hiding out and disliking the kids for something they had nothing to do with. You love the man that hurt you, but dislike the kids who were not involved. He knows you aren't going to go over there with them. He may only be asking so that you can't say later that he left you home alone. If you do, he can honestly say the choice to stay home was yours. What would happen if the house repairs were done? Is there anyone you can get to help you or hire to do the work? Remove his excuse for going to his mom's, and see what happens. The fact that he won't have his kids in a house in that condition, but is fine with his wife being there is very telling.
Yeah ok. Thanks Disneyfan. I
Yeah ok. Thanks Disneyfan. I said I don't wanna be around the kids. Never said I was mean to them! I have talked to them, I have answered when they text me, very nicely I might add. And I know they had nothing to do with it. I just can't help the way I feel about them. I have never told them the way I feel! I don't want them to think I hate them. I have prayed about it's still not better. I guess I'm just a bad person. I don't mean to be. And yes I love my husband that hurt me. It's easier to forgive someone you LOVE! It didn't happen overnite though. He begged me for forgiveness & has done everything he can to show me he's changed. I will never forgive the ex though! And I didn't even mention that when I was married to him the 1st time, I was pregnant & going thru all this with him & the ex & lost my child in the midst of all of it. So yeah it was devasting to lose the 2 most important people in my life. She didn't care that I was expecting & trying to work it out with him. She kept digging her claws in. And I know all he had to do was say no, but he didn't. I have forgiven him though because I love him. I despise her, so anything to do with anything that she has a part in, I want no part of. If that makes me bad, then I just am. Also, when he's not on the road & the weekends he doesn't have them, he stays here with me. It was my choice to move us out of his mom's before this place was ready because I was ready to get out of there! I moved our stuff over here when he was on a trip. He told me to go ahead & do it, that it was fine with him because he was ready to move out too. But it's his choice to not have fixed things after all these months. He always has excuses or doesn't have time. I have done what I can here. The rest is up to him. He is a spoiled man that had everything handed to him all his life & I guess that's why he insist on everything being what HE WANTS, but I still love him dearly, yes I do!
I still don't get it. You
I still don't get it. You forgive a man who made up his own mind to leave you and marry someone else. He wasn't held hostage, he wasn't blackmailed. He just decided she offered the better option 12 yrs ago.
Now you married him knowing he is a good dad and sees his kids as often as he can yet you don't like his children because they remind you what their mother did to you.
Their mother did nothing. Your HUSBAND had kids with her and slept with her and lived with her and provided for her. Yet it is easier to dislike the kids than see your husband's fatal character flaw. He goes for the easier option. Instead of finishing his home it is easier to take his kids and provide running water and plumbing and heat and air con at his mother's place than getting stuck in and finishing a home for his wife who he says he loves. Really? You really think he loves you more than his children or mother? Because that is the way it is supposed to be ... a man is supposed to love his wife above all others.
But you can love him all you want, it won't make the toilet flush will it? Just realise he is a good dad and not abandoning his kids for you. Why marry someone who has kids you don't like because their mother was married to him? And remember everytime he makes love to you where that 'special part of a mans body' has been before. Do you dislike that as well? If not why not? She was 'involved' with that as well... for 12 yrs.
I can't see how all of this is the ex wifes fault, the kids fault for being born and your MILs fault. The only common denominator is who?
FYI I didn't say it was
FYI I didn't say it was anybody's fault but his. I said I hate the ex & want nothing to do with her or anything of hers. My problem here is that my husband knew BEFORE I said yes to getting married that I said I would never love those kids. That was all fine & dandy then, now he wants to try to shove them down my throat. And I HAVE NEVER & WOULD NOT ask him to abandon them! Think what you want. I just don't think I'm wrong in wondering why he can't accept it when he knew it from the start. That may not make it right, but it's how I feel & I'm NOT a fake person. I can't hide what I feel or don't feel. And no I don't like the thoughts of him sharing anything with her, as he doesn't like the thoughts of me & my ex husband. Who wants to think about their partner with someone else? Not me, especially when he was my 1st everything. (And I married him thinking he would be the only one but it didn't work out that way). Not my choice! And I actually love his mother regardless of what you may think! I don't agree with the way she babies a 35 yr old man but I do care for her. I actually just spent the last two weeks with her, day & night taking care of her because she's been sick & was in the hospital for a week. I was the one who was there thru it all, when her sisters couldn't stay or her only son. I didn't care a bit to do that for her either. She needed help & it was this b!#@$ that was there when she needed someone. Nobody made me do it. I just shouldn't of posted anything on a forum for people that don't have any way to know the whole story. Sorry that I wanted advice on how to make my husband understand that I don't want his mistakes shoved down my throat. I haven't asked him to give up anything or anybody. I just don't wanna have to give him up again because he throws a tantrum when he can't get everything he wants. I'm not his mom. It doesn't work with me.
oneoffour- you brought up
oneoffour- you brought up something that made me wonder if the now ex is not sitting back feeling angry and a fool. Here she is now the ex and watching the children going off to be the week end family with the woman whos' marriage she interferred with.