Where do you go from here? RAPE???
Please note before I begin telling you the story, that I really don't know what to believe. I am finding it very hard to believe my SD15....
Now, my SD15 hasn't been talking to DH & I and hasn't been to visit since DH 'disciplined' her about 5 weeks ago. She doesn't talk much to us anymore and we've begin to deal with it ok. It hurts DH and I can tell it bothers him everyday, not hearing her voice and stuff. But we are paraying and in counseling to help us deal with all the drama that's been afflicted. Anyway, I've been keeping track of her on fb and noting some of the bad, promiscuious behavior. I choose not to tell DH because it will only make him feel worse being that he cannot do anything about it because he doesn't talk to her much anymore. Her mother allows her to have a fb page and her mother is a friend of hers (she un-friend my DH because he would get on her about pictures and status she would write that wasn't 'lady-like'). Anyway, if DH wants to look at her page, he can go through another friend to see it, but he chooses not to. That leads me to just checking up on her through facebook.
Anyway, his parent's, brother, and sister in law decided yesterday to go see SD15 (she lives about 50 minutes away). Without giving too much detail, I am not too fond of my BIL's wife. She seems to uphold SD15 in her wrong, yet SIL is the only person SD15 convides in because she knows she will run the story to the ground. SIL and I have had a few words about her 'staying in her lane' and not always being involved in our issues with SD15. SIL has a step mother in which she calls her often - STEP MONSTER - and I think she tries to make SD15 feel the same way about me. Anyway, they had lunch/dinner together and SD15 revealed to SIL only (she asked to speak with her privately) and told her she was RAPED yesterday. My SIL was shocked and felt bad immediately.
Now, before I tell you guys my DH's reaction, let me let you know some of the previous status of my SD15's fb page:
(1) Confession: I would like to be a stripper for a day
(2) Confession: I love getting 'head' from dudes
(3) Confession: Getting it from the back is better than the front
(4) Confession: I only played football because I liked the dudes falling on me.
Plus, numerous pictures of SD15 in the bathrooms taking pics with dudes. Or pics of herself in really tight clothing pointing our her curves and all.
Now, I am not saying she didn't get raped, but it's very hard to believe. DH was just so torn last night. He said if it happened, it's really sad and he hurts for his daughter - no one wants to be taken advantage of like that. On the other hand - because she's lied so much (every month she has lied about being pregnant - until we put her on the shot) it's just so hard to believe her. His response to SD15 was, go home, tell your mother, go to the police station, and then to a hospital. She refuses to do that. DH was going to talk to her mother this morning about the situation.
I'm just tired of the drama, really. I mean, I have no idea what to believe. I don't know if it really happened or she's doing this for attention. Personally though, I feel that if law officers were to proceed with this and look into her past (the numerous trips to the hospital for getting pregnancy tests, the numerous trips in the psych ward, the numerous times she's tried to take pills, the numerous times she's snuck out the house, the numerous pictures on fb with her standing in bathrooms half naked with a different boy, etc) she would really have NO CASE!
Any advice????
Wow. I'm sorry I don't have
Wow. I'm sorry I don't have advice. That is tough call. She'd have to have gotten an exam and even then its her word if it was consensual. I by no means blame the victim and I am very sensitive to this type of thing, but her behaviors suggest a lot of attention seeking. If she isn't willing to get help, what can you really do?
I'm sure if it made it to
I'm sure if it made it to court, the other side would have a hay-day with her fb page. Bringing to light her status updates and such...destroying her character.
I think it's awfull that it's
I think it's awfull that it's got to the point with all her lies that you can't even tell if she is telling the truth over something as serious as this. i think the best thing for you to do is to belive her at the end of the day wouldn't you sooner you belived her and it turned out to be lies so worse case you feel betrayed and like you can't trust her again but if you think her a lier and it turned out to be true it would destroy her self confidence she will be having a hard enough time as it is coming to terms with it if it is true also if she is lying it will be a lot easier for her to tell the truth if she feels she has people to talked to people to trust her wont judge her.
Very intelligent response
Very intelligent response iwlass. I think this is by far the best way to handle this situation, hands down.
This way, all your bases are covered--if she's lying she's caught red-handed, and if she's telling the truth, your butt is covered & you look like a savior! }:)
UPDATE: My DH called her
UPDATE: My DH called her mother and her mother suggested to SD15 to 'not go to the police' and 'not go to the hospital.' DH was furious with her. He told her if she didn't take her, he would call the police and report it himself (we don't live near she does). He called and talked to SD15 and asked how she was and how was she doing. She said ok. BM said she's not even going to proceed with anything, so DH said he's calling the police and getting them involved.
DH confided in me stating that he still doesn't believe it happened to her, but he will go to bat for her again. After he heard the story, it just doesn't seem like she's telling the truth.
It's so sad. DH's SIL called him last night and told him that if he didn't go be by his daughter's side then HE would ruin every relationship that she will ever have with a male. I wanted to slap the sh*t out of SIL (I don't like her anyway) for turning this on my DH. Excuse me, SD15 snuck out the house (under her mother's supervison), went with 2 friends, went to the guys apartment, and allegely got raped. How is it my DH's fault? She really doesn't know the half of what's going on, so a slap wouldn't even bring her back to reality. I just love it when other family members want to give their inputs on things and don't know what's really happening.
I would really hate for SD15 to have a known record with the law officials already. I mean crying rape now will lead them to be suspicious when (and I did say WHEN - NOT IF) she does it again.
"It's so sad. DH's SIL called
"It's so sad. DH's SIL called him last night and told him that if he didn't go be by his daughter's side then HE would ruin every relationship that she will ever have with a male. I wanted to slap the sh*t out of SIL "
UMMM your sil is right! its NOT his fault, but since the BM wants to brush it under the rug then it IS HIS responsibility to stand up for his daughter! SO WHAT THAT SHE BROKE ALL THOSE RULES, THATS A TOTALLY SEPERATE ISSUE THEN A 15YO GIRL BEING RAPED! If he doesnt take his daughters side he will do alot more then ruin male relationships, its likely to set her up to ruin the rest of her life. I cant imagine if I hadnt had my own dad believe me after my mother didnt (this SAME situation happened to me but it was my stepfather abusing me, read comment below) and the ONLY person on my side was my Dad. And he is ONLY person i still have to this day. That girl needs someone in her corner, and if she is lying then let a trained person figure out. Its best to take action and deciper lies later. I think its GREAT that he is stepping up to bat for her, he sounds like a great dad! keep us posted please! this hits so close to home for me! adn plz get her a councilling either way as im POSITIVE she has been sexually abused sometime in her childhood
Rosey...from all accounts of
Rosey...from all accounts of this girl-I have a very strong feeling there has been some sexual abuse in her past.
A kid even w/behavior problems doesn't act the way she does. The self-loathing, wanting to die, cutting, breakdowns, attention seeking, promiscous behavior, provocatavie clothing....
Not that there's much you can do at this point besides counseling....but before your dh decides to slap/choke her again for lying about rape it might be something he wants to consider. Nothing about this behavior is just a bratty kid.
Ahhhhh, I was waiting for
Ahhhhh, I was waiting for your comment OVERIT2. Thanks! :O You could have kept the last paragraph, but thanks for your posting.
She's in counseling on a weekly basis, and hopefully things will all come to light in the next few days.
You ALWAYS believe the child.
You ALWAYS believe the child. Idc if she was out prostituting, RAPE IS RAPE! If she didnt want it/ask for it, it is RAPE and its your job as parents to stand up and protect her. I was molested for years by my stepfather. I finally got the courage to tell my mother. She didnt believe me. She said I was just saying that because I didnt like him. Also BECAUSE he had stolen my childhood I was accustom to acting out,lying,being promiscuous and seeking attention from as many boys as possible. It is a control thing for girls that have been abused. If she WASNT raped, then no harm no foul other than the trouble she will be in with the law for lying, but what if she was and you dont get her the help she needs. and why wont you? because she lies? has pics and status' like that? well obviously she is a messed up child, im going to guess somewhere in her childhood she WAS sexually abused as this overly sexualized behaviour doesnt jsut happen that young. But what if she WAS RAPED? and you as her sm and especailly her own dad sit around ?ing her so long that you do NOTHING!? she will feel she has no one truely there for her, she will NEVER tell anything secret to anyone in ur family, and you will set her up for an even longer and more destructive life. please help her. idc if you think she is lying, let a professional decide that please.
OMG I can't believe her
OMG I can't believe her parents are sitting on their butts instead of taking care of her. Her FB page, how she dresses, act...does not matter one bit. What man is told that his daughter was raped and does nothing???!!! Every man I know would have beat the crap out of the guy days ago.
Right? Take care of the
Right? Take care of the situation FIRST, then worry about figuring out if she is lying or not! Thats what I thought too.
First of all, her DH isn't
First of all, her DH isn't sitting on his butt. He has called the police and tried to get them involved but SD15 won't talk anymore. He has called her and tried to convince her to go to the law, but she won't agree. Now she doesn't even want to accept his calls.
Not sure what else he can do. The police are calling us saying they want to follow up, but the BM and SD are not available.
You know, I read on my SD's
You know, I read on my SD's diary, she is now 16 when she was about 12, she wrote that she was sexually abused by SIL's Husband...I told my DH, he did nothing. didn't questioned it or anything. I told SIL and she said "she would ask her DH about it" !!! so my DH finds out I told SIL about this and flips on me...WTH! this was about 4 years ago...never got the issue addressed nor resolved...I don't know what to do.
UPDATE: DH got officers
UPDATE: DH got officers involved. BM called him and cursed him out saying that sd15 was not on her meds and she just made all this crap up. He told her, we will just see what the police say. SD15 is going to her counseling session tomorrow - she goes every Tuesday. Hopefully she will open up to her about what happened. We don't live in the same city as her, so the only thing DH could have done was call and tell the police. The police called him back and said SD15 doesn't want to talk about it or tell anything. I guess she's 'pleading the 5th'. DH called her and asked her to tell her story so we can get some justice. She doesn't want to talk to the police and says she has nothing to say to them. I really don't know what else to do from this point. DH can try to file a case, but SD15 has to talk.
Take her to councillor as
Take her to councillor as planned
good job there. but she IS STILL 15 so there are things you can do as a parent to get your way. the fact is that she either said it for attention or she really was raped. hopefully the therapist can figure it out
Easy. SD15 is a minor. She is
Easy. SD15 is a minor. She is too young to "choose" to let it go. BM can have her opinion and handle it her way, but BD has the same right... he can also handle it his way. Rape is rape is rape. Even if the SD15 was naked in bed with heavy petting going on and boy was just about to "enter" her... if she says stop... and he doesn't... it is rape. The law is not allowed to take her sexual history or FB posts as any kind of proof of anything.
If you know a minor who has been harmed... it is the law that you report it. If it turned out to be a lie, then so be it. She will have consequences later if it is. But for now, the adults in this child's life need to follow the law in this situation.
Frustrating? Yes. Triggers strong emotions, yes. Regardless, always believe the child and proceed accordingly... because what if it's true?
I do understand rape is rape.
I do understand rape is rape. And I don't take it lightly. Who knows where this is going to go? As of now, police says SD15 says 'nothing happened.' How else do you pursue it?
Also, believe it or not, maybe not the 'law', but prosecuting attorney, DA, all investigators involved WILL take a look at her sexual history and FB posts. They will do anything to dis-credit her as a liable, truthful person. Unfortunately, she doesn't have a 'good background' to stand up on. Which is sad. It can be a tough road for her in the future. It's just really sad.
Another sad thing is the boy involved. He may not even know what's about to occur. His whole life will be changed as well - if she speaks up and tells her story to the police. I don't know the boy, nor his parents, but it's about to get really crazy around here.
Also, we are proceeding as if it was true. That's all we can do.
Sounds like you are stuck
Sounds like you are stuck now. She won't speak up and BM won't let her. If it did happen, then there will be more problems to follow.
If it didn't happen, maybe she learned her lesson and won't make false accusations anymore.
WHAT HAPPENED WITH THIS?
WHAT HAPPENED WITH THIS? IHAVE IT BOOKMARKED AS IT REALLY HIT ME CLOSE TO HOME AND MY OWN SITUATIONS IN MY LIFE. i hope smth good
UPDATE**** DH contacted the
UPDATE****
DH contacted the police and filed a claim. However, when they went to talk to sd, she said she didn't know what daddy was talking about. Basically, DH doesn't have anything to stand on. He asked the police about investigating more into it, however, they won't because SD says there wasn't any 'crime' committed.
Personally, I think her mother told her to say that. We just found out recently that SD is receiving a SSI check. That plays a HUGE factor in her relationship with her father and mother. Her mother signed her up to get it and therefore, is making sure she gets about $500 a month. Believe it or not, money plays a HUGE role with SD. If she was to say it did happen (the rape), and BM lied about taking her to the police, taking her to a doctor, etc, she could lose custody of her child. In turn, she would lose the SSI check and won't be able to benefit from it. So, they cohearsed together and plotted to make sure she fabricated the story - or at least say she did - in order to keep the money rolling. IF she was to tell the police it DID happen, they would force away from her mother, she'd be living with us, and her freedom and spending spree would be gone.
So, all in all, it is what it is. Don't know if she lied about the situation or not. Guess we will never know for sure.
Such a tough situation...but
Such a tough situation...but you know there ARE girls out there, teens who do lie about this and destroy boys lives also. If she's back peddling her story so quickly it COULD be because she lied. The problem is it will be upto the investigators/courts to find that out. Given her history of lying about pregnancy and attention seeking behavior I wouldn't put it past her to lie about this. BUT as parents you still have to be proactive and dig for the truth.
My DH's attorney is looking
My DH's attorney is looking into it. I guess the police department is tired of my DH calling and requesting something be done about it due to the fact that SD is 'scared to talk'. They aren't really helping him at all. So, DH's attorney is looking into in hopes that she pushes the issue.
Sometimes I cannot believe
Sometimes I cannot believe what skids can lie about.....I never knew it was possible.....
SD lied to a new bf of less than two weeks standing, she had suffered a miscarriage, her bf at the time and his Mom dealt with it as we were out of town that week. Hmmm, we were not, she spent THAT time with us, there was no truth in any of it. This is what she does the same lies to anyone new bf or whoever that walks into her life.....
I have been saying to DH for years, that IF or WHEN something really does terrible happens to her, she has cried WOLF oh sooo many times before, she will have such a time convincing people it is true !!!!