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True Confession: I was a horrible stepkid

carriedear's picture

Submitted by carriedear on Sat, 04/18/2015 - 7:06pm

I was actually a horribly behaved, rude stepkid. I treated my stepmother terribly.
My parents divorced when I was 7. My father was a mean drunk and my mother was kind of a nutcase. They fought all through their marriage and the divorce was no better. Dad would see us on visits and refuse to feed us saying mom should use the child support he paid(sometimes) to feed us. For her part, mom cross examined us wanting any dirt she could use to make a report to CPS. She also had to know if we saw any evidence of him dating anyone else. Once we all (I have one brother and one sister)tried to stay home because dad was being really mean and drinking so much and she said hell no, you are going because I have heard he is dating and I need to know if it is true.....
It did end up being true. He met my stepmom when I was 9. She was pretty and had a good job and one child. I had no idea what she saw in my dad. The two bought a house together. I had no idea at the time, but they lived off her money and she actually bought the house. My dad made good money when he worked but was in and out of jobs.
The visits actually should have been much better because she actually fed us and dad behaved better around her but I decided that I hated her and I resented every visit due to her presence. I don't really know why. I was never a mini-wife, in fact I disliked spending time with dad most of the time. Anyway, I decided to be mean as I could to her. I talked back, I destroyed her property sometimes for fun (little things like Christmas ornaments) . I do remember telling my mom about how I treated her and mom cracked up. My mother was a pretty severe person who rarely laughed and I think making her happy was one of my motivations.
My stepmother got sick of my attitude. I heard her refer to me as Miss Piggy a few times (not to my face, to my dad). This really set me off because I was a slightly pudgy kid.
My brother and sister were rude too but I have to say I was the ring leader.
By my teens, I had a choice about visiting dad and I did not bother. In my twenties we barely spoke at all. Today, In my thirties I speak to dad very occasionally. I am polite. He still drinks and is verbally abusive sometimes. My mother passed away a few years ago. As for my stepmother? She and I are friends. Yes, friends. We started speaking just a little when I called my dad and I started seeing her in a different light. She is a kind person. We laugh about a lot. She told me she used to cry when she knew a visit was coming up with me and my brother and sister. She told me that my mother used to follow her sometimes when she would run errands. I never knew that. I still have no ide why she puts up with my dad.

Comments

carriedear's picture

Submitted by carriedear on Sat, 04/18/2015 - 8:17pm

Thanks. She really was and is a good person. Funny that I never noticed that. Dad is a different story. I have given up on ever having a real relationship with him. I guess it is what it is. Sad, though. And if your ex is like my dad, I am glad you left him!!!

carriedear's picture

Submitted by carriedear on Sat, 04/18/2015 - 8:15pm

It was great to see her be happy. I remember being pleased about that. And to be fair mom did not tell me to be an ass to stepmom that I can recall. But she sure loved it when I was one.

carriedear's picture

Submitted by carriedear on Sat, 04/18/2015 - 8:39pm

Hard to say, but I don't think so. There were moments when I realized that my stepmom was not the devil and that my own mom and dad were the real issue. But it was like I only saw it in brief flashes and then made myself forget it.
One time was when my father had a drunken rage on Christmas eve night when we were spending the holiday at his house and he knocked over the Christmas tree and screamed at all of us to go to bed, there was no Christmas and we would be getting nothing. Later I heard noises and I crept back down stairs and saw her setting the tree back up and cleaning up as best she could. She put the gifts back under the tree too. I stared at her and she saw me and did not say anything. I felt I should say thank you or something. But I just went to bed.
I told my mom when I got home that I never wanted to spend Christmas with those two idiots again. I never said that she had tried to help.
Another time, she was the only one who showed up to see me get an award for best essay in 6th grade. That pissed me off and when she congratulated me I rolled my eyes. But I did wonder why she showed up and mom and dad just blew it off.

carriedear's picture

Submitted by carriedear on Sat, 04/18/2015 - 8:52pm

I am sorry! I actually did not mean to make this a sad post. My parents sucked but I am a pretty happy, ok person today. My mother died of cancer a few years back and I have just chosen to believe that she did the best she could. She was not treated well as a child. My dad is the same jerk he always has been. But my stepmom is actually a good friend and a person I turn to for advice. I feel lucky to have her.

carriedear's picture

Submitted by carriedear on Sat, 04/18/2015 - 10:00pm

OSS can see that you mean well towards him , I'm sure. But he may need to grow up a little before he can acknowledge that. I hope he has a change of heart just like I did : )

carriedear's picture

Submitted by carriedear on Sun, 04/19/2015 - 7:27am

oops, I didn't know that. If he is 26 and still behaving like an ass I guess he will not be outgrowing it. It sounds like he learned his crazy behavior from his BM, Glad you have a good DH, that helps a lot : )

carriedear's picture

Submitted by carriedear on Sun, 04/19/2015 - 7:19am

Thank you! I was worried I would get flamed for it. Once in a while when some poster is talking about some rotten thing their skid did, I think I remember doing that and feel guilty. But I have grown up and changed my ways and it is very possible that some of the horrible skids of S-talk will too! (And some will probably end up in prison but what can you do)

carriedear's picture

Submitted by carriedear on Sun, 04/19/2015 - 11:25am

I freely admit that I was an ass to my stepmom. And I did also say that my mom never specifically told me to act that way. I am simply looking back in hindsight and seeing that seeking approval from my mother was one of my motivations. It probably motivates a lot of difficult stepkids. And my father's alcoholism had and still has a huge effect on me and my siblings. It just does. Not saying it makes me not responsible for being so rotten to my stepmother as a kid, though. I have apologized to her and she has accepted. I am glad we are friends but I know this does not mean this will happen in all cases.

carriedear's picture

Submitted by carriedear on Sun, 04/19/2015 - 11:31am

That is understandable. I think one of the reasons why my stepmom and I pathched things up is that I last visited her at 13 years old and after that opted out of visiting and did not see her again for more than 20 years. That is a lot of time to cool off. And I think it also depends on maybe how severe a child's hostility is towards you. I was rude and ungrateful and disrespectful of her property but some of the stepkids on this board have done so much worse. I am sure there is a point where you cannot just forgive and forget especially if your steps are adults and still being awful.

carriedear's picture

Submitted by carriedear on Sun, 04/19/2015 - 11:37am

I don't blame you at all. And if they show no remorse, I tend to think they must not truly see anything wrong with their behavior. I would keep my distance too. You didn't deserve their wrath and they need to acknowledge that if they really want the past to be the past.

carriedear's picture

Submitted by carriedear on Sun, 04/19/2015 - 11:50am

Thank you for saying that! That blaming others comment kind of hurt my feelings although I do acknowledge we all have a right to our own opinions. And you are right about the powerful motivator of pleasing mom. Especially a depressed, angry mom. Laughing together at my bad behavior towards my stepmom are some of the only memories I have of her laughing and smiling.
I am sorry to hear about your SS. His only hope is growing up and leaving home. He needs to not have BM as the center of his life anymore. And then hopefully, he can begin to untangle his thoughts from hers and maybe have his own feelings about his dad and form a relationship. It takes time though and I do worry about kids who stay living at home until their late twenties or even older. I doubt they ever pull out of the unhealthy enmeshment with their parent.

carriedear's picture

Submitted by carriedear on Sun, 04/19/2015 - 12:49pm

It is pretty kind of you to feel empathy for him even after how he has behaved. It sounds like he has a very long road ahead and you may be right about him being stuck at home for a long time. If he has failed at school he will have few prospects and his sister had to marry to leave home, it seems. Sounds like BM holds onto her kids with her fingernails,.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Submitted by Pilgrim Soul on Sun, 04/19/2015 - 9:13pm

Thank you for sharing your story! It is bitter sweet, but hope-ful. 20 years is a long time though... glad you were able to reconnect with your SM. It is refreshing to hear an account of a long-ago step-child who came to see things differently now as an adult ( and a SM).

I am also a child of divorce, a very brutal divorce back in the 1970s, but i have no happy endings: as an adult today i have no relationship with my father and SM, have barely had one ever. It makes me so sad to watch my disgusting skids throw away a dad as loving and devoted as my husband when i would have been happy with a father half as supportive as him, and got bupkis.

carriedear's picture

Submitted by carriedear on Sun, 04/19/2015 - 9:45pm

I'm so sorry to hear that. It is sad that you lost your whole relationship with your dad and SM. I hope your stepkids wake up and realize the value of their Dad's love.