I am completely stressed
Hello. I am a 22 year old and my husband is 32 years old. We have been dating for four years now and married for only three. We have been living with each other for 3 1/2 years now. Our age difference never bothered us any, and never have been a major problem with his family (my family is crazy i dont associate with them) so I enjoy being with them all the time. The problem is with his daughter and his ex-wife. I dislike the EX very much to the point my blood boils when im around them. She even lied to her daughter and told her it was my fault they divorced! I WASNT EVEN AROUND! Besides this, his daughter is 9 shes an honor roll student yet shes like a 3 year old. Her mother is never home to rasie her so when we get (12 days out of the month) its pure hell. She never cleans after herself wont take showers wont brush teeth complains if i tell her. This has been going on for years now and its stressing me out. She wont even take her shower without her dad being in there to help her with everything, she has breast now and i think she needs to handle this on her own. He feels bad for her circumstance and defends her and i understand him being protective but i cant allow this to go on. We planned to TTC in august so I can have summer off work (i work in a school) to be with the baby but now his plans has changed. I am crushed. He gives me a list of things i need to accomplish before i have a baby. #1 lose weight- i only weigh 150 and i carry it so well you can hardly tell, i know i would like to be my 130 and i will continue to try but now i feel its no use since he doesnt want a baby. #2 get approved for a home so the baby wont live in an apartment-his ex damaged his credit so i am trying to get approved for a home with my own credit and income. Im doing this alone and its not easy for a 22 year old but i was pre approved but the way the economy is i dont want to purchase a home knowing the lay offs districts are having. So now i feel like i have failed myself and im punished and cant have a child. It makes me resent him, his ex, and his daughter. Like if it wasnt for her messing up his credit he would be in the best position to provide the things he needs as a man, but at the same time its his fault for after 4 years not doing anything about it. I understand he wants a house to raise a baby so MAKE IT HAPPEN...DONT MAKE ME FEEL BAD..I have done everything by him and his daughter when he was unemployed, i pick her up from school, go to games and practice, help with homework..I think its time for me to experience this for myself instead of a step parent. Im just pissed that I have this long list of things to accomplish and he just sits back and watch and receive while im stressing myself out to have a baby.I had my thyroids removed as a teen and there may be a chance ill have low fertility and maybe this is what drives me to want a baby, but i love kids and i have them all around me and I am ready to become a parent. Im afraid that if we wait too late and im unable to conceive and if he waits (HES NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER) and cant because of his age Im sure i will never be able to forgive him. Is it ok for me to continue to play super mom to his daughter and not get what i want in return and instead get a list of requirements he cant himself fulfill? Im so depressed...
Not at all fair and sounds
Not at all fair and sounds like a bunch of crap to which you did not agree. He has seemingly changed his mind about wanting a baby at all and so has given you a rediculous list knowing you will not be able to complete it, or if you do, it'll take a long while. Fact is, as David Letterman proved, *he* can have a baby at any age; it is *you* who will have limited child bearing years.
Talk to a mortgage broker about the terms under which you would be comfortable purchasing a home (interest rate, down payment, loan total, etc.) and come up with a plan to get your credit into a position that will make those terms possible. How long will this plan take? Two years might be ok, whereas 10 years might be too long to wait since, so far as you're concerned, you're ready now.
Weight is a red herring in all this. You won't be a better mother at 130 pounds or 170 pounds than you are now. Besides, 150 is by no means an unreasonable weight; he's just being an a$$.
All in all, though, with his attitude, do you really want to have a child with him? The overall impression I get from your telling of the story is that he's very immature and childish (i.e. putting all the blame and responsibility on your shoulders for a situation you didn't create). He's obviously also ok with the status quo. Are you better off with or without him?
He's a great father to his
He's a great father to his daughter, and i know he would be even better when we have kids. But his daughter hates the thought of us having a child and when he gets her he becomes wishy washy because he doesnt want to push her away. Im not sure if he is dealing with his own insecurities as a man. Because when he was with his EX he was able to provide a home and everything else for them, and now he's having to start over. I have told him im here and together we can accomplish it all, but I wont continue to do for others and have to be put aside for another 2yrs. My credit isnt the problem, I know my approval and interest rate. Its just im not wanting to do this on my own, I want him to take responsibility for it. I even just went to put a suv in my name because he claimed we were to have a family and needed a bigger vehicle now I feel stupid. So im not about to go through this house process alone, i want him to take responsibility and get his credit in shape to be approved with me and we can get more loan. But how long will it take him? Will he just delay it, until him and his daughter are ready for a child? He says im over reacting and im still young, but ive been in college, i have a great career with a contract with school districts, i was responsible to become married before i wanted kids, and now i feel like im at the point in my life where im ready. Why was he so ready with her and she isnt still half the woman i am today, but he's not ready with me
Wow, I agree with dollfaced.
Wow, I agree with dollfaced. On top of what she states, the SD should have no say in your decision to have or have not a baby.
Take a good hard look at what you wrote. You've got a man with bad credit and no motivation to address that issue, a man not happy with who you are right now, a SD making adult decisions and an ex-wife that makes your blood boil. Wow...I think it's good that you don't have a baby so you can make a clear choice if you want to stay in this marriage.
Good luck...you've got a lot on your plate!!
I cant get past the fact that
I cant get past the fact that he told you you need to lose weight before you got pregnant. What a creep! I'd be done with the discussion right there. I'd tell him he needs to grow a bigger penis before you have sex with him.
I almost put that in my
I almost put that in my reply, also, then decided not to. Then I thought about saying she should give him a 6 month deadline to dislodge his head from his a$$ or she'd be gone, but decided against that one, too. Anyway around it, this is such a one-sided relationship.
I wouoldn't be too quick
I wouoldn't be too quick either to buy a house. He may have bad credit, but you guys are married so if anything happens with the relationship between the two of you, he is still entitled to half of the house.
So... you married a 29 year
So... you married a 29 year old man with serious baggage when you were 19... and it's not going well. Personally I don't trust a grown ass man who wants to get involved with a teenager. It's nothing to do with you - rather HIM.
I wouldn't have a baby or buy a house with this creep. Move on while you still can.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses. This has been an ongoing thing for me for years now, and i've never been the type to quit or give up so easily. Then again I wont stand for not feeling appreciated or being met half-way. The thought of divorce sickens me, and I would hate for that to happen. I try to do whats right on my end,but everyone seems happy except for me. I'm thinking that maybe having a child without a stable foundation with his own will not be the best solution right now. If he isn't willing to step up and make changes within himself and help his daughter mature then I will have to leave. Im still young and I have plently of fight left in me, but the fight is only worth it when someone is willing to compromise. Thanks again for the advice and KEEP IT COMING!
I'm mother of one, having
I'm mother of one, having that child was and is the best experience I have ever had. He is the light of my life. My, now ex, was supportive. We were high school sweethearts married at age 20, 19. I have PCOS, poly cystic ovary syndrom. We tried 5 years, lost one pregnancy, and divorced when our son turned 2 1/2. We get along great now. But, think about it, we were together 13 years, had a child and got divorced... I'm remarried and am a stepmom to a 13 yr old girl and daily I wonder how long this marriage will last due to the stress. According to my husband I care so much more obviously for my son than his daughter.... its true, but this is a problem, why? So, think about it very carefully before you bring another life into this world. I fight every day for my son to have a good male roll model either from his dad or his step dad. Then to be the stepmom, trying to take everyone into consideration. My husband and I have been together for almost 3 yrs, not convinced that remarriage when you have kids is a good option....
Please think very carefully, you can buy a house, a car, worldly things, but just don't have a precious baby unless you are stable in a relationship, both people obviously mature enough to sacrifice for each other, strong enough to be vulnerable but yet will stand up for each other, and mostly respect each other....it takes a lot....
I wanted to respond to this
I wanted to respond to this yesterday and didn't get a chance. I was very upset after reading his conditions.
I am with someone with damaged credit as well. I know that feeling. I have good credit, but I have to tell him no sometimes. I will not put something on my credit.
As far as the losing weight, he has a lot of balls.
i think he is delaying the child thing for another reason. Better to wait and see if this relationship stabilizes. Good luck!