I'm the stupidest person alive I think
Don't even know where to start. I told DH that I was not able to babysit SS7 while he worked today. But DH didn't want BM to watch him because he doesn't like when SS7 is with her. Why? Because he wants SS7 to worship him and him alone. Granted BM is lazy and ignorant and doesn't want to deal with SS7 half the time. She didn't want to keep her own child last night even though SS7 wanted to go over there. So now guess who is stuck watching SS7? That's right, me.
And last night DH slept with SS7 in my living room. This after I told DH he was not to sleep with SS7 as he was too old for that and showing emotional problems. Also SS7 still pees the bed, so I asked that he not sleep in my living room and pee on the sofa and floor. DH first will agree, then get hostile, and then just do as he pleases. After all, "I need to see what SS7 wants to do." That is how he parents. Enough said.
I've had plenty of discussions with DH about a few of the things that bother me. I told him I will not be sleeping alone and will not tolerate him treating a child like his lover above me. Apparently DH is too stupid to realize I mean business.
I'm sick of his lies and hypocrisy too. My son cleans the ENTIRE house (to help me out and keep the peace) and his son is too lazy to get up and get his own drink of water. He does whatever his son demands, but my son is supposed to cater to his son too. Well, I've had enough. Maybe my son who works nights is sick and tired of getting up early to get SS7 ready for school and to the bus stop and then picking SS7 up from the bus stop and babysitting him every day. So since we are supposed to cater to our children's every whim, guess DH will have to take on his child's needs himself from now on.
I'm tired of DH feigning ignorance. Tired of him pretending he just doesn't get why I am upset. Tired of him acting like my son and I should be his personal servants and a slave to DHs and SS7s spoiled self-centered routine. DH actually b*****s non-stop that my son should be cleaning up after DH and SS7 and me every day. My son should take out the trash filled with DHs beer bottles every day or he b******s to me. Really??? But it is ok if your son urinates all over my furniture and floors? It is OK that your son refuses to even wipe his own butt at 7 years old? Seriously? F**k you buddy.
What does he think? That it is ok for them to have their crap all over MY house but my son better not have clothes on his bedroom floor??? They literally leave their dirty underwear piled in my bathroom for days and my son doesn't do this. DH piles urine soaked blankets in my kitchen. I'm sick of it. Then he complains because my son didn't wash HIS dirty dishes. Once in a while DH does dishes and he acts like he cleans the whole house. Is he mental????
Now I am just supposed to sit in my room while they take over my living room and play video games and watch MY movies(that I paid for), eat MY food (that I paid for) and cuddle each other all night every night??? WTF??? Is DH serious??? Does he honestly think its ok to treat people like this??? Plus he never has money when it comes to paying 50% of the bills but always has money to splurge on new things for himself and SS7.
I am so done. When he gets home tonight I doubt he will listen to my calm reasoning, because I will be calm on the outside even though I am seething on the inside. If he lashes out at me then it will be over. He can pay 100% of his own bills and go play house with his kid. It hurts so much but I can't live like this!!!! He will apologize and then go right back to walking all over me. Every time DH says he love me now, I feel like he thinks I AM STUPID.
I'M STUPID for holding out some tiny hope that a light bulb will go off and he will see how ridiculous he is being and things will change.
And another thing. My son is
And another thing. My son is a GOOD person because I was a GOOD parent. My ex, my son's dad, was a monster. They call him a diabolical psychopath. Abusive and cruel and cunning. Did I use this as an excuse to coddle and spoil and ruin my child. NOOOOOOO! So don't give me that guilty daddy garbage because my son lived 10,000 hells worse than anything SS7 has ever seen and he still got punished when he did something wrong. Why? Because I LOVED my child and was not too lazy and selfish to do my job as a parent. (I had to stay with my ex, my son's father, as I was injured severely in a MVA and could not work or heal due to the abuse. I had no family to turn to. As soon as I had the means I left.)
My son would love to have a male role model who cared, so the fact that DH is being such a jerk to him makes me angrier than I can tell you. Especially since DH wouldn't ever think of saying no to his own child out of fear of upsetting the little monster.
I am feeling angry for you
I am feeling angry for you right now! I think you need to march the little bugger over to bm's, tell her you have an emergency and that she is going to have to take care of her own kid. Then I would load you and your son up in the car and do something fun. Shopping, lunch, road trip=whatever. You guys need a break and if you havent noticed noone else is going to give it to you.
I dont know how old your son is but he is not responsible for that kid at all. Please do not make him take him and pick him up from school or pick up after him. That should stop today. You are teaching your son to be a doormat and to serve people that arent even nice to him.
You are making it too easy for these people to use you. Who cares if your dh prefers that he stay with you instead of bm? If he does not like bm's character he should have thought of that before he procreated with her. Him forcing you and ss on each all the time is not going to make ss want bm less, but will probably make him want her more and treat you worse. Mothers are not interchangeable parts. You can't replace her and he needs to stop trying to make you.
Also, who cares if bm feels like having him either? Tough for her. Its her child and she is responsible for him if your dh is not available-not you. She probably doesnt feel like doing his urine laundry or wiping poop off his leg. Sounds like she is at least smarter than your dh gives her credit for. Perhaps if you step way back and just stop doing these things and just keep consistently taking him over there-she will step up and start being a better mom to him. I know that's what happened in my siutaiton. BM had ss eowe-and that's it-not one second more and sometimes she would give up part of that as well. I finally just stopped doing everything. Refused to keep ss when dh was out of town, stopped doing his laundry at home, helping him with homework, etc and both bm and dh stepped up to the plate. They still dont parent GREAT and frankly I could do a better job-BUT it's not my job and I shouldnt be doing it because it is better for the child that he has his own parents parenting him. That is what he wants whether he verbalizes it or not.
As far as the pissing on the sofa and floor. Wow! Why does dh want him to do this? Even if he freakishly thinks he should sleep with the kid-he can do so in his own room. Get the kid some plastic sheets for his bed so he doesnt ruin the mattress, put him in a pullup for goodness sake so there are not mountains of laundry. Put him on meds, buy a urine alarm-something besides ruining your home. And as far as those mountains of pee laundry-I'd tell dh I wasnt doing them anymore. That YOU feel that there are other alternatives to him creating all this urine laundry but dh will not allow you to utilize them-which is his choice so he can do all of ss's laundry from now on. You are not a servant!!! If he is not going to allow you any decision making power with ss then do not be involved in his care. He cant have it both ways-either you are involved with the skid or you are not-but he cannot dictate exactly what you need to do for him, honey.
And yes your ss has some massive problems that are going to get worse. Kids dont need their daddies sleeping with them every night-they dont need their butts wiped-your dh is doing that kid a huge disservice and its only going to get worse.
Your house, correct? Kick
Your house, correct? Kick his ass to the curb. This is crazy they are walking all over you....It will never get better. He has no intention of putting you first. You can either keep trying and beating your head against the wall or you can find someone who appreciates you and your child.
The peeing and not sleeping with me would have been a deal breaker for me. Good luck...
While I try to always look on
While I try to always look on the positive side of issues, I'm having a hard time with this one. Honestly, why are you putting up with this again? You are obviously kicking a dead horse here dear. You have talked to you SO several times and he does not change. Do you expect the next time to be different......really?
The SS7 goes to school correct? Does he pee his pants there? How about with his mom? Who wipes his bottom when he's at those places? Sounds to me like he is doind just for SO's attention. SO is in the process or raising a future monster. As bad as it is now multiply that by 10 or 20. That is your future.
Think this over very carefully. I would be very tempted to kick them to the curb, love or not, can you handle what your future holds?
Thank you! It makes me cry
Thank you! It makes me cry that a stranger has more compassion than DH. Thank you for not making me feel like I'm more stupid than I already am too. It helps that someone else doesn't think I'm being some kind of witch or unreasonable.
At first my son wanted to help out as he was appalled at SS7s parents. He says DH is nicer when SS7 isn't around. He has been encouraging me to hold out hope that DH will wake up. Of course my son is very idealistic and caring. Now he is less inclined to do for SS7 or DH as he sees it all goes unappreciated. He did tell me that DHs stuff doesn't get to him as he is just a coward too afraid to stand up to his own child. My son keeps helping me out though.
My son is 22 and a father, who works full time, shares custody and is going to begin his college classes this summer as he put everything on hold when he became a dad and just focused on working and his family. However his exgf was a cheater among other things, and she moved a few hours away. My son supports his son financially as exgf doesn't work. And even though his exgf and him do not get along, they parent that baby admirably and do it together long distance when the baby isn't with him. The only reason he lives with me is he doesn't make that much money, so its tough. He will buy some groceries, pays the phone bill and cleans for me. Of course DH thinks that my son should be a servant because he can't afford to pay 1/3 of the bills. DH makes more than my son and I combined and keeps playing games to get out of paying his half and then acts like he is doing me a favor when he does pitch in.
DH is supposed to do his and SS7s laundry. He always has stuff sitting in the washer or dryer so we can't use it to do our own laundry. But there is still DHs and SS7s dirty laundry all over the house along with urine soaked clothes and blankets. DH just sprays Febreeze and thinks that is a fix all. GAG!! :sick: Plus when he does his laundry he acts like he is doing me a favor.
I will try to walk SS7 over to BMs later, but even when she is home she locks the door and refuses to answer. Then DH yells at her and says that SS7 is staying with us permanently. Really? Guess I have no say in any of this? I wish BM would be a better mom, but it is too much of a hassle for her. She only calls DH when SS7 misbehaves and says she can't handle it and come get him. Then DH likes to act like he is hero to the rescue instead of co-parenting. Also he and BM couldn't get pregnant for years and had a child still born before SS7 came along. So DH uses this as an excuse for coddling SS7. Even though he had another child after SS7 with another woman(he and SS7s BM had divorced as she slept around a lot) he barely sees.
DH refuses to acknowledge any of the problems. Even SS7s peeing everywhere. He won't even buy special sheets for SS7s mattress. But then he brags about how great of a dad he is to everyone. It is sheer madness. Even his own mother says he needs to discipline SS7 and he calls her names in front of SS7 and encourages him to belittle his grandmother too. Like I said, DH wants SS7 to love only him.
You are right. DH wants it both ways. He wants me to take on all the responsibility of a parent, but have none of the decision making as to how SS7 is raised. This is why we argue. I can't even disengage when SS7 is being forced on me. SS7 is pretty good when I am watching him, but he treats me like dirt as soon as his dad comes around. But he still wants CONSTANT attention and I have things I need to do, like my own laundry. He won't even watch a movie by himself. He ALWAYS has to have an audience.
The sleeping with SS7 bothers me because SS7 was sleeping on his own but as soon as he realized it was a good way to separate his dad from me and stay up later, he began throwing tantrums every night. DH lets SS7 stay up as late as he wants until he falls asleep in my living room playing. DH stays up SS7s butt and vice versa every night all night. Plus DH blurs the boundaries as he was showering with SS7 too, etc. I put a stop to that right away. SS7 is very inappropriate with his father with the affection. SS7 literally touches him and fondles him and strokes him and smells him, etc. He does everything but grab his groin. His dad will tell him to stop, but then he will lay with him like a spouse. When touching is more sexual than affectionate, then I have a problem with it. And the fact that DH pretends that is just normal creeps me out, although I never see DH touching SS7 like that otherwise I'd call the cops. However, DH definitely gets off on the attention.
The truth is DH put on a good show before we moved in together. He suckered me in. And he can be quite loving when SS7 isn't around. He is good at manipulating and grand standing much to my horror. I want to believe that the man I fell in love with is still in there somewhere, but all hope is fading fast these days.
that unfinished laundry would
that unfinished laundry would go right into a basket and I'd go on my merry way with my own laundry. The sheets that smell like piss would go out my door into the trash. H can buy new ones if he can't do more than febreeze. That is gross.
I totally understand where
I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm completely nonexistent when SD15 is around. I could pass out in the hallway and they'd just step over me and act as though they never saw anything. Then the parents wonder why their kids turn out to be punks who live at home when they're 50!
For your sake I hope she
For your sake I hope she moves out when she graduates high school!
All the more reason for
All the more reason for daddies car to get the sheets tucked in under the drivers seat overnight....
I think a lot of people have
I think a lot of people have said what I already want to say. Don't feel stupid, but start doing something about it FOR YOU. Not for anyone else.
Also, from this point on, your son should be doing NO caretaking of SS7. He has paid his dues and showed he is responsible. After today you are your son are no longer door mats. Repeat after me "No". When you are asked or told to do something, "No". Simple, not yelling not upset, just "No".
Its so hard at first, but it will get Soooo pleasurably easy soon.
Thanks gals, I am going to
Thanks gals, I am going to confront DH.
If DH doesn't stop b*****ing about my son, he's out. If he had a real reason to complain, I'd be all over my son straightening him out. My son knows that he has to follow the rules I make in my house, so why should it be any different for SS7 and DH? DH lived with his grandparents until he was in his early twenties, but my son should be kicked out the day he turned 18. More of his hypocrisy I'm sick to death of hearing.
If DH doesn't stop sleeping with SS7 and letting him stay up until midnight on school nights, he's out.
If DH doesn't stop leaving urine soaked laundry in my bathroom and kitchen and living room, he's out.
If he doesn't stop ignoring me when SS7 is here, he's out. Especially as we have him so much it's not like he never sees him. If DH were a woman he would still be breast feeding SS7.
The next time SS7 throws a tantrum when DH tries to show affection to me he is being sent to his mothers. If she refuses to take SS7 then she can start collecting less welfare money for herself and start paying child support, or horror of horrors get a job for the first time in her life.
I am not taking SS7 on full time. Not unless DH wants to pay for a bigger place to live and stick to a budget. Also, SS7 will have to have rules and consequences written down and followed.
Next time DH wipes SS7s butt when he stands up and craps and lets it run down his legs, he is out.
If DH continues to let SS7 act like a spoiled baby and keeps giving him his way all the time, he's out.
DH hasn't even called today to check on SS7 or me (I have the stomach flu and a fever). I'm sick of being his babysitter when BM lives right across the street and has no job or any friends or anything to occupy her time other than computer games.
Why should I financially help support his child and take care of his needs when DH treats me and my son like we don't matter as much?
Why should I financially help
Why should I financially help support his child and take care of his needs when DH treats me and my son like we don't matter as much?
-- Exactly!!!
You can do this.
One more thing... DH B*****es
One more thing...
DH B*****es about my son having laundry on his bedroom floor. But my son is sharing a room with SS7 and never ONCE complained when they moved in. SS7s urine soaked mattress stinks up the bedroom. But all DH can say is it is not fair to poor SS7 that my son's laundry is on the floor. WTF? SS7s laundry is on the floor. This is the excuse he gave me for sleeping with SS7 in the living room now once SS7 began demanding it because he wanted to stay up watching movies and keeping DH from going to bed with me at night.
How can my son do his laundry when DH always has crap in there??? I've started telling DH I need to be able to do my laundry too as it is so ridiculous that I never get to use my own washer and dryer and yet their dirty laundry is everywhere.
And SS7 has his very own room at his mother's too. So who is really getting the short end of the stick here?
This is the lunacy I've been trying to reason with. That's why I think I'm stupid.
Ok I think it's creepy to
Ok I think it's creepy to have 22 and 7 step brothers sharing a room. That needs to change.
You're not stupid, none of us
You're not stupid, none of us are, we just married someone we love and the baggage was much more then we ever imagined. It's like a really lame horror movie. Kid pisses the bed, I'd put a plastic cover on there, a cheap one that makes noise every time he moves. Line his side of the room with air fresheners to make it obvious it's for him and tell DH he needs to start cleaning up that side of the room and doing his own kids laundry and if it's left in the washer or dryer it'll be outside in a basket.
BTW, I just stood up to SD15 and DH and now they're gone. I'm sure he's got her obese ass somewhere having cake to make her happy. Oh well...........
Well, look on the bright side
Well, look on the bright side you don't have to smell her for awhile!!!
I'm sorry DH is not being considerate of you too. I deal with inconsistencies with my DH, just like his parenting style. It keeps you on a see-saw. The up, down, up, down effect.
Like you I do stand up to him and yell, etc. when he tries to intimidate me. He acts just like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum when he isn't allowed to do whatever the hell he wants. And he wants to spoil his child rotten and make everyone else deal with it too.
Obviously he doesn't believe you're evil or he wouldn't still be with you. Stick to your guns. He is pushing you because you have tried to be patient in the past.
Get your way for once. That is what I am telling myself.
I'm ready.
Wow-your dh has such a double
Wow-your dh has such a double standard going on here. Perhaps you and your ds should share a room (not a bed as I am sure you wouldnt)-but get some twin beds and he can share a room with you and your dh can share the piss stained mattress with his darling.
Tell him his son needs to start contributing to the household since he expects your son to do so as well. It's only fair. My kids did chores when they were 7. Make up a schedule for the laundry-what days each gets use of the washer/dryer. If he has shit in there on your day-pull it out, put it in a garbage bag and set it in the new room he will share with his darling. When you cook-cook for you and your son and for god's sake do not watch his son any longer!!!
I think this is the one thing you can't budge on. He has a dad and a mom. Mom lives next door. Doesnt have a job-you should never have to be watching this kid-if you cant be strong enough to say no about watching the kid-then u need to start disciplining him at least. In other words if he pisses all over everything, then your dh goes to work in the morning. Acquaint your ss with the washer and dryer make him carry the things and put them in the washer. Have him help fold clothes so he understands that when he pees on things he is making work for you. I knew a foster mom that made her kids wash their urinated on things outside in an old fashioned wash tub-said she figured they'd get tired of it after a while and start trying a little bit harder to stay dry at night. Make your ss pick up his laundry from the floor when you are watching him. Put his little behind to work in other words. Either he will comply and you can feel to get some help and know that you are instilling values and a sense of responsibility in the kid or he will throw a fit in which you can send him to his room til he wants to do what you say. If your dh throws a fit, tell him simply that when ss is in your care you are in charge and this is how you are going to do things. If he doesnt like it he needs to find someplace else for ss to go.
The only stupid person in this scenario is your dh. He has no clue how to parent a child. None. Nor does he have a clue how to be a spouse and a partner. Talking to him does not help-so you have to change the way you are doing things. If you change how you are doing things he will have no choice but to change as well.
I work longer hours than DH
I work longer hours than DH Monday through Friday usually. DH just leaves early in the morning and gets home usually a half hour after the bus gets here, when he wants to that is. He likes to take advantage of the fact he has a babysitter to go to Home Depot, etc. On the weekends usually SS7 is being coddled to by DH. In the evenings it is the same scenario, so I have no way to instruct SS7 and I don't think my son should have to do it.
Because there is never any structure it makes it hard to make house rules. SS7 comes and goes as he pleases. DH uses this to his advantage.
You're right though, would be pretty funny to put my son in here with me especially since we have different schedules, I work days and he works nights. (No I would never sleep with my grown son, GROSSVILLE!) :sick: We wouldn't really bother each other. Plus he has friends he spends time with. Once I cut off DH from affection too, maybe he would take the hint. Then they could put a tv in their room and they would have no excuse to use my living room. But I'd kick him out before I'd move into a room with our kids. Not worth the headache and he wouldn't change.
I'm not paying for a plastic sheet. I've spent enough money on SS7 and DH already. I have bills to pay.
I did say no to watching skid, but because BM refused to do it and no one else will and DH had to work, then it just fell to me. I could not as a human being make a 7 year old stand on a locked porch while his mother hid in the house. SS7 can be a real jerk and mean to me, but I just can't hurt a child like that because his parents are dummies. I also am pretty sure as manipulative as SS7 is and the gross things he does, he does not pee the bed on purpose. Like I said SS7 is pretty good for me except when DH is around. Which is aggravating because it means he knows how to behave and chooses not to.
That's sound advice though, changing the way I'm doing things as he will not listen. He certainly has changed a lot since they moved in with me for the worse that is.
It doesn't sound like you are
It doesn't sound like you are getting very much out of this relationship. Respect is very important to me, and if DH treated me with such disregard I'd be out the door. Is this what you want your life to be? I understand that this isn't what you imagined when you married him, but this is what it has turned out to be.
LOL you're right Foxie, I'm
LOL you're right Foxie, I'm too nice and it is definitely enabling. I kick myself in the butt for it too.
Some DHs don't "get" it and
Some DHs don't "get" it and will go out and BUY another blanket after another after another out of sheer "my kid right or wrong"
I know GG would buy another blanket out of his piddling $200 a week (after CS sodomizes him) and then ask ME to transfer money over when he has spent like a drunken sailor on his precious poopsiekins.
We ALL KNOW it's ORIGINALLY not the "kid's fault" per se as kids will try to get away with what they can. . .but at what point does a cucumber become a pickle after being immersed in vinegar? At some point, clearly some semblance of CONSCIENCE should kick in as the kid KNOWS he is not doing the right thing (i.e. drug dealing, stealing, screwing around in school, etc.)
YOU GO FOXIE!!
YOU GO FOXIE!!
Gee, I am sorry you are going
Gee, I am sorry you are going through this. It doesn't look like it's going to change, so IMO, I'd make him leave. Why allow him to treat you like you are less than a person? Also, I think it would be better for you that your son doesn't see a man walk over his mother like that. If anything, do it for your SON!
I re-read your blog and it's
I re-read your blog and it's time for an ultimatum. . .this is your house? Give him an eviction notice. Thirty days and your out AND MEAN IT!!
Then file for the big D. . .and DO IT.
Doesn't sound like he's the violent type so that's a plus and sounds like your exit plan will go much faster. You and your son don't need to be his and his brat's slave!!
And even slaves were provided for materially; some of us don't even get THAT!
I am beginning to understand
I am beginning to understand this phrase very well and I believe you may be as well:
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome."
I know we all do a lot things for the people we love. We give and give and give because we thing that is what we should do.
Truth is, it isn't love if there is no respect. Hugs for you while you get courage.
My 2 cents: when I got
My 2 cents: when I got married I didn't expect to get my way, be the decision maker. And not b.c. I'm stupid or incapable but b.c. its DH's house, DH pays the bills, DH gets to run the show. I'm his wife not a Queen. Never would I insist a skid leave to go live with BM. ALthough I'm not that fond of them, I know they would do better w/us -- a stable household with electric, food, and a husky(LOL). Being a SM is a very hard, selfless, thankless job. Disengaging was key for me and allowing DH to be head honcho. Somedays are better than others that's for sure. Skids don't listen to me/SM now (age 15) nor did they at age 6 when I met them as dad's gf and did things "alone" with them.