I need help and advice: Dating a single mother.
Hello. I am new to he forum. I am a 23 year old male. I live with my parents (and have been for all my life). I have been engaged to my fiancee for the past 3 months. She is 22, lives with her mom, and has a 2 year old son and the biological father (BF) is still in the picture. He is no longer romantically involved with my fiancee, but he is still involved in his biological son's (BS) life.
The issue that I am having is not my relationship. The intimacy is there. The trust is there. All the sparks are there. The issue I am having is the whole ordeal between my fiancee and the BF. My fiancee has him on child support, and the BF keeps in contact with her. They argue a lot. Mostly about their son. Right now he is working on taking her to court for custody. My fiancee does not want to give up any custody rights to the BF because she says she does not trust the BF or anybody in the BF's family because she believes they do bad stuff to her son.
This is a huge problem because at one point in our relationship the guy was calling her every single day, 3 to 4 times a day to argue with her. Every time I was with her he was hitting up her cell phone and it got to the point where I was getting mad (and a little jealous) and I told her I didn't want him calling her all the time. I explained to her that I am not trying to keep her BF out of her son's life. I just don't want him calling her all the time stressing her out. I suggested her to let him call once a day just to talk to his son. I don't understand why the BF wants to talk to his son on the phone when the kid's only 2 and hasn't learned how to talk yet, but okay.
Ever since then I haven't seen any more phone calls from him only on the rarest occations and I have been pretty happy in that department. He does not come over much to see his son and when he does it's only for a couple of hours. I am not around when that happens because I made perfectly clear to my fiancee that I do not feel ready to meet the guy (and I don't think I ever will).
Here's my problem. She's #1 on a list for a 2 bedroom low income apartment at a very nice and quiet apartment complex. We both only make minimum wage at our job. She wants to add me to the apartment tomorrow so that I can come live with her and her son. Don't get me wrong, I love her with all my heart and her son's not that bad for a 2 year old. Spending a lot of time with my fiancee, her son's crying and screaming does get annoying to me, sometimes, but I always keep it in. I have days where I am completely fine with it. I have other days where I just want some peace and quiet and when I am around her I usually don't get it. It's either the baby is crying and screaming, or my fiancee is stressed out, or there's baby daddy drama.
I am honestly thinking about whether I should or should not move out of my quiet parent's house. Before my relationship I was highly against dating single mothers but I fell in love with her. My love for her is what has kept me in the relationship. I don't know if I should take this big step in my life and live this entirely different life style than what I am use to. Her son is starting to get close to me and she obviously wants me in the kid's life. But I don't see how it is going to be possible when the BF and her are getting into this whole court thing.
I honestly feel as if I'm dealing with more than I should. I have always wanted to have my kids, but I don't see that happening with her any time soon.
Any advice on what I should do?
My son just recently went
My son just recently went through a similar situation.
You do not say how long you have known your fiance but for your sake I want to strongly incourage you to NOT rush in to anything here. Please take the time to know more about everyone and the situation before putting yourself into this mix permanently.
You definitely should not put
You definitely should not put yourself in a situation that will stress you out and make you uncomfortable, but if you guys are talking marriage, isn't living together implied in that? How long do you two plan to be engaged for? When do you think you will be ready to move in?
We're planning to be engaged
We're planning to be engaged for a while. We don't know when we're going to get married.
As for moving in, we both make minimum wage so I don't see that happening any time soon.
LOL @ "Only YOU can Prevent
LOL @ "Only YOU can Prevent Step-Parenthood. Do not date people with kids."
I wish someone had told me that before I got involved w DH!
I agree that at 22 it's a
I agree that at 22 it's a heck of a lot better to avoid this situation, but it's really unfair to say that no person ever should date/marry a person who already has a child. My SO and my DD6 have a wonderful relationship and if we get married (which seems more or less certain at this point) he will be a great step-dad - she's a good kid and they almost "get" each other better than I do.
There is no one answer for everyone.
Run! Run! Her f##ck up of
Run! Run! Her f##ck up of being 22 w/a 2 yr old should not be your burden! Go find someone w/no kids to marry!
Please listen to everyone who
Please listen to everyone who tells you not only to run . . . but run quickly! I'm also kicking myself for marrying a guy who has a child . . an adult child at that. Read my posts to see the conflict she has caused. Just the other day I was reflecting on the nice guy who I didn't marry . .who had no kids.
But if you really love her, you have to ask yourself if you want a future with her. If so, continue to date but don't move in. Don't give up your freedom for drama . . especially if you don't have to. Let the relationship progress as it normally would and maybe down the road, you'll end up marrying her. But for now slow down and don't do anything you'll regret later. Living with drama and foolishness is something most of us on this forum can relate to so take heed and think twice.
There are problems in every
There are problems in every relationship. These problems can be overcome if you love someone enough. This is the question now really. Do you love her enough to work through some incoveniences??? You are engaged to this woman. You are a 23 year old man, she is a 22 year old woman. You are both adults who should be able to make it on your own. You have been engaged for 3 years. If you are wondering if she is worth it at this point - then I think you should get out and let her find someone who feels she is worth it. Life is too short...
Undoubtedly a tough
Undoubtedly a tough situation. Dealing with a Psyco BD & a stepson, 2 year old at that. They are young. He said he loved her. Sometimes love is enough. Sometimes it isn't. It is hard to know by these posts what is in someones heart. Today, I can tell you that I would never, ever remarry someone with kids & X's etc... And I really put my food down when my guy was fighting with the X (at all hours of the night) - when she would come home drunk & call at 2a.m... Good Lord, is it tought at times. But ---> sometimes love prevails, I guess I am still a sap at heart. Even though I've been in the shit up to my elbows in this relationship, - I still believe in love. Course, depending on what shit gets flung my way - that could change tomorrow)..
Good luck in whatever you decide.
You may have all the tingles
You may have all the tingles right now, and you may very well love your finacee but you really need to take a big step back and look at the bigger picture here. You may think at 23 and 22 that you know where you are going with your lives and feel mature to handle your situations as adults. Looking back 25 years ago when I was your age I felt the same.....what I have learned is that the 20's is a time for finding yourself.
You have to very strong feelings expressed here that I would take note of a really think over.....the child's crying and fussing, that's not going to stop......the ex and his interference and demands, also not going to stop. I am sure your finace loves you as well but in her mind also might be thoughts that she wants a daddy for her little boy and she may feel some need for financial support, she probably wants a fmaily but this is not the reason to marry anyone.
You could date other women (we don't know what a wonderful young lady your finance is) who don't have exes, don't have children and you would not have all this tension, frustration, and obligation right from the start. if you are engaged something has lead you to this point and breaking things off with someone you love is not easy but I really think you need to think twice about this.
I have been part of a step sitaution for 22 years, it never got any better for me. Now all these years later I am actually in counseling and feeling like I have PTSD. I would not suggest it to anyone.
I wish you the best!
Thank you for that. I am a
Thank you for that. I am a divorced mother and I am certainly not trash because of it. I know plenty of fresh-faced "firsts" who aren't worth the dirt they walk on.
It sounds like neither of you
It sounds like neither of you really has your life together enough to be married.They say the best ages to get married are after the age of 25.ESPECIALLY if you're going to be in a situation where the girl has a kid.Be on your own for a bit.Get your life the way you want it to be and THEN if you still feel this way about this girl,talk about marriage.But if you settle down and marry her when you don't even know what it's like to be on your own,you will always wonder what you missed in your twenties.
Run, run, run. You are going
Run, run, run. You are going to lose your 20s, you are jumping straight into a 30 something year old's life. You are so young, you could find another woman. Believe me, you will regret this. The drama will never end, I wish I could physically grab you and shake some sense into you. I'm sure you love this woman, but at your age, you probably don't know the struggles it takes to keep a normal marriage together, let alone one with daily turmoil.
Do what others said, find a career, see some sights, explore hobbies, learn who you are. This marriage sounds disaterous. Do not let the fear of breaking off the engagement push you into something you're not ready for. The fact that you have doubts right now is a bad sign. Breaking off the engagement seems like a huge ordeal, but it's nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to the daily grind you are stepping into. Right now you have your own space and time. Do you realize what it will be like having your GF and son around all the time? Your friends probably don't have kids. You will lose them because you can't do everything they can, because you have a child.
Were you pressured into the engagmement? Did GF give you an ultimatum? Man, wake up, you have a totally open life in front of you. Live it.
Welcome, I hope you find this
Welcome, I hope you find this a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family dream.
As for marrying/moving in with a single mom ...... it can be an amazing thing to share your life with a young woman who is raising a child as a single parent.
I have been married to one for nearly 17yrs. In our case the BioDad is not much of an issue as we have never lived closer than ~1500 miles to him since we met.
Single moms are a treasure, as is any amazing woman, and should be cherished. If you can't commit to this young lady and to her son then do all of you a favor and move on with your life.
A relationship that includes being the full time father figure to your partner's child is difficult at best and excruciating at worst. You mention that both you and your GF are minimum wage workers. This will add a huge level of stress and drama to the already stressful and dramatic situation of a relationship with a person with children by a prior partner particularly where the relationship with the prior partner is contentious and involves an active court case.
I believe you would be better served to get back in school or in to a job training program, get your degree or certifications, build a self supporting career and provide for yourself.
Rather than risk her eligibility for the LIH apartment and adding huge drama to the situation she and her son are in I would recommend that you should stay at home and visit your GF and son.
Moving in may just add ammunition to her XBFs custody case.
Stay with your parents, finish school/job training and when you are stable and can support a family then move to the next level with your GF and her son. If the relationship is still viable.
Good luck.
I was a single mom for 7
I was a single mom for 7 years. I was so scared to get into a serious relationship because I did not want my daughter to get hurt if it didn't work out. I hope you guys are thinking about the effects this could have on everyone involved if it doesn't work, especially the little one. Taking things slow will only pay off in the long run. Think about what living together means, your gonna have a lot more responsibility financially and also your gonna be like a step-parent which can be extremely difficult.
Thanks for the replies guys.
Thanks for the replies guys. A little update on the situation since I last posted:
The relationships been pretty steady. About a week ago we got into a really bad argument where I almost gave her back all her stuff and called it quits.
She started crying and wouldn't stop texting me or trying to call me. I never ended up breaking it off. I told her how I felt about the BF and how I hated the fact that he's always calling her and how I feel about him still being involved.
Some days I can handle the fact that she's got a kid, other days I just can't...
you might want some advices
you might want some advices on how to get back with your ex from the experts around the web.