I have so much hatred!
It is with a heavy heart that I know that I will never love my SD! She has done so many nasty, nasty things in the past that I am pretty sure I will not be able to forgive her in this life time but it really does not make things any easier for me. Even though she was just a little one when she started all of the BS (which I know she learnt from Mummy dearest) it still is impossible for me to like her or want to be around her. I get tense when I hear her name. I hate the fact that her Dad has gone and spent time with her over lunch etc. I hate the fact that she is still lying to him (she is 17 now but not living with us.) and that he is still believing her and getting mad at me when I point out the truth.
Having said that I guess it is good that someone loves her unconditionally. It is good that he has a good relationship with her. It is good that he is respecting my wishes and boundaries that she not be around me or in our home. (she moved out a year ago because she could not follow her dads rules)
I quess my question is...why then if she is not coming here. If she does not live here anymore. If it is not ME that she is lying to, why does she still bother me. What faulty wiring is in me that I can not just be happy! But for some reason I can not. Is there anything that you do or think to just get over it! The hatred is still eating me up and it is only doing me harm, no one else.
How do you get over hating someone?
Thank you for listening to my rambling.
Peaceheart.
I don't know the answer to
I don't know the answer to this. I have this hatred for BM, not for SK. I get so burned up over everything she does, just seething about it for hours, when I know that is probably exactly the reaction she wants from me.
I think that I (and you) will eventually just have to get over it any way we can, or we will always be a slave to it. I am trying to train myself just to put those thoughts out of my head when they are not productive.
Wish I had better answers...
Dear HelpMeeeee, Thank you
Dear HelpMeeeee,
Thank you for your reply.
Funnily enough your comment on getting thrown out of the village resenated with me. Maybe that is the issue here! The fact that she is not getting thrown out of the village so to speak but in my mind is getting rewarded even though she has been so nasty.
I so have to give this some deep thought.
Peaceheart - You do have to
Peaceheart - You do have to work through the hatred. I'm getting their with my oldest SD, so I can feel the emotions of what you are saying. It's not healthy for YOU to be these hugely negative/unhealthy feelings. I need to take my own advice too. I myself have anxiety attacks when DH texts me to listen to the voice mail his ex leaves him. Or when the skids are are coming to visit, when I'm going to the exchange, etc. Trying to be supportive for our DH is very hard because we have to get through so many personal feelings and judgements. Keep talking to us here. We all know the range of feelings and emotions. God Bless!
peaceheart- Is it your
peaceheart- Is it your feelings of hate towards the SD or the feelings of betrayal and lack of recognition from your husband that is bothering you the most. Many of these situations including my own end up with placing the majority of blame on the steps. It took a while for me to realize that dad is a large part of the problem. If a daughter from an INTACT family refused to come around and would only meet with dad outside the home because she disliked the adult female authority [which would be the wife] Few dad's would participate in this game. If I had tried a stunt like that with my parents my father would not have been playing in to it. He would have told me to make amends with his wife and quit being disrespectful. If I tried to get my dad on my side with lies about my mom [his wife] then he would have stood up and walked away before I finished the first sentence. To be disrespectful to his wife was to be disrespectful to him. These dad's of today are not thinking long term. Only of the quick fix for the moment. I have a husband who had adult daughters that stopped coming to see him because according to him they did not like me. He makes the effort to drive out of state to see them once a yr. Before we moved they only lived 20 min. away and would not come to visit. They invite him to xmas dinner with their mom and he goes. He does not see this as disrespectful. He does not see the reason there is a wall. He feels good for the day to have these people around him . I am sure these girls and their mother get a certain amount of satisfaction knowing he will spend the holiday with them as family even though he and ex divorced over 30 yrs. ago. But there comes a time to pay the piper and past actions dictate what we will or will not do for others. When dad is to old or sickly to make the drive, will they not see him, will they be welcomed by the person they ostrsized for so many yrs. If dad is sick or dying do they think I will be concerned about their wishes or needs? What these people have not figured out long term is that it is best to stay on good terms with SM . If you plan to build a wall and keep SM on the other side, remember that wall will be very difficult to climb over later in life. Because you are not on the same side of the wall you will miss out on information and decisions concerning dad.
Godess-clueless, Thank you
Godess-clueless,
Thank you for your words of wisedom and wisedom and I appricate. Thank you, I shall give all of this time to sink in.
It is hard when Karma can't
It is hard when Karma can't come fast enough. My hatred is also directed at BM. I have never hated someone so much in my entire life. I didn't even know I was capable of such deep hatred!
What gets me by is that I know that when my marriage is done, so is any and all ties to BM. I also know that she is such a bitter person that it continually eats at her that she could have two kids with someone and they would marry someone ELSE instead of her (no, I wasn't the "other woman"). Eventually, all her bitterness will leave her a shell. While I will be happy with my own life and never thinking about that skanky ho at all!!
Skylarksms, Thank you for
Skylarksms,
Thank you for you reply. What worries me is that Karma is a B....and I am the one that has so much hatred. I know that even though SD has done some awlful things to me, the only person that is now being hurt by my bitterness is me.
What you have is resentment.
What you have is resentment. It will eat you away unless you can work it out. Talk it out here, you already told dh. You have to stop letting this occupy your mind. When you think about it, divert your attention to something else.
Dwelling on it will only make you madder. If you can't forgive right now, then try to forget about it until you can. Just don't let these thoughts dance around in your mind, they will rob you of happiness.
I understand the anger, I hate bm for being such a taker and a liar, but I refuse to let her be in my thoughts anymore. She is a waste of my time.
Good luck, I hope you can find some peace with this. Keep ranting until you get it out, but eventually put it to rest, for your sanity and happiness.
Dear PeaceHeart, I feel for
Dear PeaceHeart,
I feel for you and I can relate. I too am at a loss with my own 15 year old SD. Her father and I have a good home. We both work hard, and provide well for the family. However, we both believe that to whom much is given, much is expected. My SD and her mother believe in a different philosophy: get what you can in this world and have someone else pick up the tab. My SD and her mom are identical in their beliefs and their value system. It's uncanny. My SD has even started talking about the day when she "marries a wealthy sports player" who will give her "the life she deserves". Her father and I try to teach her that superficial values will not pay her bills as an adult or put food on the table, and that frivolous spending will only lead to financial ruin (as it did with her BM who filed bankruptcy <6mo ago, but now drives a 2011 SUV and just got another boob job). Trying to teach my SD anything about integrity, work ethics, compassion and selflessness, is like trying to convince a rabid wild animal, not to bite you. It's pointless. My SD and her mom also adopt a belief of "by ANY means necessary to get what you want", no matter who is betrayed or hurt. Unfortunately for me, due to the current shared parenting plan, my SD is in my home 3-4 days a week. Her father loves the arrangement because he feels convinced that he will "teach" his daughter how she can be an independent, self-sustaining kind individual, who doesn't find it acceptable to hurt others with her lies, deceit and betrayal to get what she wants. I say, the child will be 16 in a few months. Adulthood will be here before her selfish ass even knows it. Life will be her teacher, people in the world will shape her experiences, and for better or worse, she will become an individual he can be proud of, or someones whore for a price. Either way, from her 18th birthday onward, she will not be welcomed in my home. Actually, I despise having her in my home now, but due to the parenting plan, it is what it is. Thankfully, I find things to do out of the home on the days she is there. I work 14-hour days, so work is always a great out for me. I started seeing a therapist about the stress of it all, and he simply reminded me that "hurting people, hurt people" and all you can do is offer them your pity.
If I may, let me just say hatred consumes us. It hurts us. It makes us bitter and resentful people towards people who could care less if we live or die. We have rules, boundaries and responsibilities in my home. My SD resents that, so she does whatever she can to manipulate her parents to get what she wants. She pits her father against her mother and vice versa, so long as the end result is her getting what she wants. So instead of hating her (which I sometimes do), I turn that hate into pity. I recognize to myself that my SD is only 15. Her days on this earth will be long. And on her current path, with her mothers lead, her life will be an unhappy one. My SD and her mother places a value on people based on their net worth. They pay little or no attention to the character of an individial or their moral compass. In time, my SD will discover that with a value system such as that, unhappiness, deceit will always follow. So thank you for listening. I do wish you well. Know that you are not alone.
OMG there is nothing wrong
OMG there is nothing wrong with you! I have the exact same hatred for my sd and I can't get passed it. Unlike you I have to see mine still! I constantly look for ways to get her away from me and my children. She is a terrible influence. She is 12 going on 18 and she wont make it to 15 before she's knocked up. I know that i sound terrible but I can't help it. She cried every night she spent with us all night long i'm not exaggerating! All night up until about a year ago. She constantly is trying to get inbetween my husband and I and honesly I blame him for letting it happen! We seperated once and only got back together cuz i thought, cuz he promised, it was going to change and it hasn't. Now i'm pregnant with our 3rd child and if it doesn't change I will leave again and won't come back this time!