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Disengaging and the rice test! Regarding the lying SS8

ivymlk's picture

Submitted by ivymlk on Thu, 01/27/2011 - 6:24pm

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So, since SS8 has become a little liar and refuses to even speak to me (unless he needs to raise his voice) I have decided that disengaging is something to consider. His room is a mess and I refuse to clean it! HOWEVER!, last night the little brat had rice with dinner (I got his plate together because DH was on the phone but SS kept saying DADDY DADDY DADDY cause he didn't want what I was giving him but anyway...). He made a mess all over my kitchen with the rice. It was on the counter where he ate then he dropped a bunch on the floor. I refused to clean it. I wanted to see how long the rice would stay there till DH cleaned it up. I am a neat freak (sometimes beyond control I admit). The rice bothered me all evening yesterday. Today when I came home on my lunch break I decided to let it go and keep it there to see if it would still be there when I got home after work. Sure enough, hard crusty rice all over the counter and floor. DH didn't even notice it it seems. So I ended up cleaning it up. Ha! I know this sounds crazy and ridiculous but how do I handle these sorts of things? It's my house and I don't want a mess but it seems like I am always cleaning up after this little lying BRAT! How do you really "disengage"?

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Thu, 01/27/2011 - 6:32pm

It is so hard when you have OCD. I started walking out of the kitchen saying to my husband after dinner "I cooked, I am done". Two times of that, he starts cleaning up now. Is it to my standards - NO. But, he is getting better. I tease him that I know he will clean it, but he won't do everything. He always leaves a pan or doesn't wipe the counters. But he does make the effort. It will never be as clean as I would like, but it is progress from me having to do everything.

As for rooms, doors are left shut and then I can't see the mess. DH goes in every night and gets after him when it gets bad and takes away the TV until it is done.

For me, it worked to just walk away from the mess and without telling him to do it, it let him know he needed to. I cook and do the laundry because of my OCD, I don't have to do everything.

ivymlk's picture

Submitted by ivymlk on Thu, 01/27/2011 - 7:28pm

GOOD to know I am not alone with the OCD!!! It often causes arguments cause I try my best not to nit-pic everything but sometimes.....it's hard! I guess comments like "i cooked, i'm done" is definitely worth a try! Thanks

ivymlk's picture

Submitted by ivymlk on Thu, 01/27/2011 - 7:50pm

Thanks! It is good to know that I'm not alone actually. It's just so hard for me to actually come to terms with that I have never been so depressed and miserable in my life! And our first year of marriage is still 5 months away. I feel like I am losing my flipping mind lately!

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Fri, 01/28/2011 - 9:27am

Just keep saying it without being mean. I had such a hard time the first year with my need to have the house clean. I am better now. Even harder yet, I work at home. If I see something, I point it out to DH. He deals with it. He will never clean the way I like, but at least he does get after SS. Unfortunately for us, all the drama the first year caused my SD14 did it's toll on us. I was depressed and wondering what the hell I got myself into. Now, it is better, because I have learned not to be involved in the Skids life. They are his kids. I only step in if he asks and if I want to. If I don't want to, I don't.

Just do what you are comfortable with. As for the clutter, tell your DH and have him address it. Just don't be mean about it. Just matter of fact. Also, I started to say it to him out loud, not often, but enough that he got it. "Not my kid, Not my problem".

2timemom's picture

Submitted by 2timemom on Fri, 01/28/2011 - 4:03pm

I have to let you know,last weekend was HELL for me,with my stepkids,they lied so bad about me to there BM,and SD.
So now I have disengaged,it feels wonderful,I close there doors when they are not here,I only ask if they have homework,I dont even try to hold a conversation with them,I wish I had learned this earlier,I just potter around my home,doing what I want to do,and Im loving It I really do,I listen to my ipod,they know Im listening to music so they dont bother me,I put the food on the food on the table,they know they have to clear the table and put the dish's in the dishwasher,Im going to start paying more attention to my DH,at least I know where I stand with him.
So for all you ladies that are having a hard time,disengage and listen to music.

Remember you can't fix STUPID