I am a SM of 13 years; gave hubby of 10 yrs ultimatum
My hubby has had full-time custody of his daughter since she was 4; she's almost 17. We have not received one red cent of back child support and my hubby refuses to go after his ex. Needless to say, I've been supporting SD for 13 years & am done! She's a junior in h.s. I had a private conversation with my hubby last night saying how glad that I am that SD is one year closer to college, afterall, college degrees are a good thing! Then SD overhears what I said and announces that she's not going away to college & I told her, oh yes you are!
I told my hubby that SD17 needs to go away to college if she's going to learn how to earn her own money to pay for some things. Hell, I went to college and worked part-time & did not live at home with my parents. I need a break from SD and she needs a break from me, I know this. It's time to get some distance between her & I. When she was 4, I thought that she would grow on me & I really tried my best to bond with her but it didn't happen. I have 7 year old son with my hubby whom I adore. I don't think that I could remarry if I had to because my new partner would not have a genuine connection with my bio son. I am an experienced SM of 13 years & it hasn't been easy!
My hubby insists that his daughter go to college locally so that she can still live at home. I say no to this because she has not worked one day in her life & she wouldn't try hard enough to look for a job. I've been trying to get her to find a job since the summer. I even wrote out a list of employers for her to apply with. She's also dragging her feet in getting her driver's license so my hubby has to drive her all over the place as if she was still 13 or 14. She needs to learn how to be independent & by her going away to college - I believe she will pick up new surivival skills.
I told my hubby that if she doesn't go away to college, that I am unwilling to continue to financially support her. I had my first job at 14; what's wrong with this picture?! Yep, SD is freakin lazy! What would you do?
I think he could also be
I think he could also be afraid of her hitting rock bottom and get in deep red financial ink. Maybe that's his greatest fear. But she may need to hit rock bottom in order to realize her mistakes and figure out how to correct them.
she needs to go for your
she needs to go for your sanity. she can have a choice, college/dorm or job/apartment. I had to do this for my sd then 19. She was working but wanted to stay out late, party, be lazy at home, and have a poor attitude. She had the choice I mentioned before. She didn't want to go to college just yet, so she said she wanted to play for awhile. I made her get a job, find an apartment/roommate. She's been struggling for 2 years, but she is out on her own and learning what it is like to be an adult individual. It did wonders for me.
There was no problem with my husband because I am in charge of the home. It is my domain. Although I do respect him, he didn't stand in my way of making these changes happen. Don't ask your husband, tell him. You've already done your share. Make her fill out those applications and cut off the cash flow. If not, you aren't teaching her anything but that life is free and you can get free money if you whine long enough.
My husband won't punish BM for the bad things she does. One time she broke into our house with a skids key and all said and done, the cops handcuffed her and were taking her to jail and he said...no, i don't want her to go to jail, i just want her to leave. you can guess how mad i was about that. she has been nothing but a bitch ever since that day to me. he said he didn't want to send his kids mother to jail. she'd have sent his in a heartbeat!
Good luck to you, but get her out of there. Stand your ground, that's how we win!
What is wrong with going
What is wrong with going after BM for child support/back child support??
Sounds like to me she doesn't
Sounds like to me she doesn't want to grow up. Has her BF babied her? Has she been given responsibilities along the way? Doesn't sound like it. I have a SD13 who doesn't want to grow up. She has no friends that I know of. She just hangs out with her sister9 and sometimes acts more immature than she does. Our problem is they have been coddled since the divorce and their mom doesn't do anything to help. If I were you I would give two choices: college and a dorm room or work and an apartment. Your DH needs to be a united front with you. If he wants his daughter to keep living there then make her pay rent and help pay the bills. She should no longer get a free ride when she is 18. Good luck!
Thanks for the feedback
Thanks for the feedback everyone. My hubby will not go after his ex because he's 'too proud;' he doesn't need her money. What about me, why should I have to pay out of my pocket for the money he doesn't want to collect from his ex? SD's mom doesn't work & collects disability. I don't care if would receive less than $50 a month from her; I could put that money in my gas tank!
I hear everyone loud & clear that SD should have a job/apt or dorm/school. I'm thinking long-term, whereas if she were to have her college degree in hand she could land jobs easier over those that do not have it. I DO NOT want her to move back home once she's out. I want her to go away to college so that she can obtain a higher education and learn to struggle while working & going to school just like I did. She thinks that she's entitled to getting things as opposed to earning it. She's been spoiled over the years by family because they feel sorry for her that her bio mom is a loser...
My hubby didn't go to college right after high school. I pushed his ass to go to college when SD was 5. I got tired of him going from job to job. I took care of SD at night so that he could attend school at night to get his computer engineering degree & thanks to me, he got that degree. My hubby keeps telling me that she'll get a job while she goes to school locally & will live at home. I told him that SD will drag her feet in looking for a job if she stays at home while attending college. I've been coaxing her for the last 6 mos to get a job and she's not working yet! Big clue! She needs to apply for scholarships & grants to help her get through her college years away from home. In the meantime I would be SOOOO happy to have a lower grocery, water & electricity bill!
So today, I told SD that I didn't know where she planned on going for college & that I preferred that she went away to college so that she can learn how to be independent. I also told her to get on the horn in looking for that part-time job now because I was not going to continue buying her toiletries (makeup, etc) if she was going to live rent-free at the present. I guess she understood; she didn't say anything. Maybe I got her thinking just a little more; that would be good! This situation made me such a bitter person. SD leaving the house soon has been a long-time coming but hubby is content with her staying at home after 18 - YUCK! I make half of the household income! He had the odasity to tell me that if I wanted to leave to go ahead. He's pushin it. I feel totally unhappy & sometimes I take it out on my 7-yr old. Don't know how much longer I can put up with this wait & see game or, maybe I should just move out. We may have to end up walking from our mtg anyway. If our bank doesn't modify our loan soon; we'll be in arrears for two months. I have to take furloughs & my salary has been frozen for 2 years in a row then I'm supporting the spoiled, lazy SD17 who eats just as much food as her dad & I. She needs to get a clue on how to give back to the family. I feel totally drained over this. Calgon, take me away!