EVERY time my ss10 comes to visit my husband and I argue!
Ok here goes! This is my first time to post on here and I am really hoping for some good suggestions from you guys on this! It seems like every time my ss who is age 10 comes to visit us my husband and I fight over everything! I have been with my husband for about 3 years now and have a 12 month old baby girl with him. I have no previous children and he only has one little boy now age 10. My ss bio mother and my husband have been split up since he was 2 and didn't have a "good" relationship even during the 2 years. My ss bio mother took him away from his father for about 4 or so years which means my husband just got him back when he and I first started dating. Since this all happened around the same time the little boy at first thought that I had always been in the picture but we explained it to him that I wasn't. I love my ss and I really think he loves me too but he does some of the most obnoxious things....which i know is to be expected from a 10 year old. Examples- He will will act like he is 3 everytime he talks to me and always wants to make sure and point out that my husband is his dad when our daughter is around. He also only thinks that we adopted him and his ex stepdad is really his bio dad no matter how many times we tell him that my husband is his father. So all the while talking to his dad/my husband he is talking about his "dad" meaning his stepdad. If I get him a present he always makes sure and says it is from his dad...and a lot of the times just isn't happy with what I get him. His only interest is video games and has been for a while.He also is always wanting me to get onto my daughter for doing somthing that babies do....I sometimes worry that he is jealous that my daughter lives here with me and his dad that it will drive him to hurt her. Sometimes I feel so horrible for feeling so much dislike for this child that I actually do love. I would never do anything to hurt him and I don't want him to ever know that I am feeling this way. I am sure that I am leaving out tons more, but what can I do to help my attitude? My husband says that he feels sometimes that we treat him like a second class citizen and a guest when he is here but he is only here once a month sometimes once every two months.....he doesn't have any toys here because of the limited amount of space that we have here so it all just makes this so hard! Help?!
Also to note that my husband
Also to note that my husband and I are really so much in love and I hate that when his son is here we fight so much....He really turns into a different person when his son is here though....the only way I can describe it is that a cloud literally lifts from him as soon as his son goes back with his biomom.
Your DH is probably upset at
Your DH is probably upset at the fact that the SS calls his stepdad his father. That may change his attitude while he is around which will change the way the two of you interact. That's my guess. My DH and I fight more when his kids are over due to my attitude from not being excited about the fact that the kids are over. It's hard to be calm when one or the other is tense. I'd just try to be as calm and nice as possible when SS is there. Sounds like you don't have to deal with it much at all though which is great.
Thanks so much for the
Thanks so much for the advice! Yeah I think you may be right....its just so tough to go from calm, fun hubby to tense ill at ease hubby. I am so glad that I am not the only one that isn't thrilled at having an extra kid in the house. Especially one that is suppose to be part of our family but instead we end up being a babysitter. My ss only wants to be here when he is having "fun" or getting presents. Everything feels forced with him I think mainly because of the 4 and a half year gap that was left in him and his dads life together. I get along with my ss bm but I still am not the biggest fan lol. The hardest part is feeling like this every time I know that he will be here...I really feel horrible for hoping that he won't come but I have tried everything to change my feelings. He just seems to be getting worse when it comes to everything. He has started telling stories/lies about each one of his "parents" This child has 3 dads and 3 moms so that is 12 grandparents....well you get the picture lol.....he tries to play all of us against each other by saying well thats what so and so lets him do or his behavior is due to the way so and so acts....well my husband already doesn't like my ss ex-stepdad.....which my ss has a new stepdad as of a year ago....whom he also calls dad.... whew! I am confusing myself and I am living this! How many stepkids do you have?
Wow! That is confusing! It is
Wow! That is confusing! It is strange that SS warms up to new step fathers though instead of his real father. That must really hurt your DH.
My DH has two kids.
As horrible as this sounds
As horrible as this sounds but I am so glad that there is just one stepkid! You it doesn't really seem to bother my husband that much anymore....guess he is just used to it now
I have two step-children (SD8
I have two step-children (SD8 and SS4) following my marriage a couple of months ago. The kids are good for the most part and we get along, but even just having them 50% of the time (schedule is 4 nights on, 3 nights off, 2 nights on, 5 nights off) is MORE THAN ENOUGH for me. I often feel a bit claustrophobic, for lack of better description, when we have them. By Sunday evening when we have had them since Wednesday after school/daycare, I am ECSTATIC to see them walk out the door to go to their Mom's place! I secretly count down the hours until they are gone. I can't ever admit that to my husband because he wishes he could have them all the time and feels guilty that they have to share households. I would die! Kid time for me will be much less annoying when my SS4 is older and not so needy; I can't stand the whiny way he talks, not to mention how much attention he has to have all the time. I am annoyed that I am forced to pander to his "look at me, look at me" behavior. The weekends when we have them are so long, that I actually look forward to going back to work on Monday.
I have a post on here asking for any subtle/effective avoidance techniques because I would like to bypass being constantly badgered to play or participate in any number of annoying, mind-numbing activities.
I look forward to the time that the kids spend with their Mother, and wish they spent more time there instead of the current 50/50 split. Kid time feels like a cumbersome obligation rather than anything I really want to do. I hide it very well, but I feel simple indifference. To quote fellow poster dnelsen ("Frustrated Stepfather... first post... please help"):
"Here’s the really tough one: If he all of a sudden (“poof”) didn’t exist anymore, I’d be happier. Of course I don’t mean something terrible were to happen to him… rather, if he had simply never existed in the first place, and it were just myself, my wife, and the baby… (of course then I never would have met my wife, yadda yadda yadda, but you get what I’m saying)… it feels like he’s in the way of what would otherwise be a perfect scenario for me, and I end up feeling resentment towards him. That’s just awful, but it’s true."
Swstepmom, doesn't it suck that a little person/people can drive adults so crazy?!? At least you have your own daughter that you can focus on when your SS10 irritates you. Just duck out of the room with her. Avoidance!
I feel the same way. Both of
I feel the same way. Both of my blogs I have posted on here are about this. I just would rather DH's kids not be around. I love when they leave. And when they are here I find excuses to leave half the time. Or I find things to do around the house that will keep me away from them. But if you don't want your DH to start noticing that you are disengaging then it is hard to do those things. My DH could tell I didn't want to be around anymore because I would go to my parents house almost everytime his kids came over. My last post was about my convo I had with DH the other day sharing how I feel. He understands and doesn't expect me to be 'step mom' but he does want me to try and change my attitude when they are over. So now that's it's out in the open I don't leave as much... I just watch TV in the other room, take a shower (a really long shower!), or clean just to pass the time when they are here. I know it sounds bad but I just would rather them not be around. I tried in the beginning to care but it just faded away. It's hard.
shootingstarz it is really
shootingstarz it is really hard and it feels like you can't even talk to your dh about it because they are his kids. I am glad that I am not the only one who feels like this! I feel bad for thinking that life would be so much easier without all this but I can't help it. I just have to accept it if I want all of this to work. It is easy for those feeling to fade away but just remember that there really isnt much that can be done with the kids since they are his. How long do you usually have them there? Very often?
It is just every other
It is just every other weekend. And a day during the week. But it all seems like it just runs together! I used to feel bad for thinking life would be easier until I found this website! Now I don't feel bad at all about how I feel. }:)
YEah I can relate to that
YEah I can relate to that feeling! I have been feeling horrible that I feel like this about my ss but I now see that it really is normal and I am so glad I can chat with others about these things! My ss calls all the time asking for presents and wants to know if when he comes up here if we will take him to have "fun" I almost feel bad but I have been hitting the ignore button on my phone a lot lately! He usually always calls at the most inconvienent times! Usually right when I lay my daughter down for her nap or when I am conducting business over the phone. He will call over and over until he gets an answer at times! Why do I feel like this....i really wish I could just "like" him. But he is starting to be more and more of a pain!
Selene-I can't imagine having
Selene-I can't imagine having my ss10 that much! I am so frustated by the time we get him that I am alreay ready for him to go home....I actually do always go to my bedroom with my daughter(1 yr) old a lot but he tends to follow and he also does the "look at me look at me" thing.....and he's 10! He always wants all the attention and time when he is here which makes my husband feel obligated to just that! I wish that you would have more "off" time from your stepchildren because you need a break too...in my opinion. I understand that your dh feels bad about the split time but maybe you can talk about having them for one week and their biomom have them the other week that way it wouldn't be so hard on any of you. It just seems like a lot of back and forth and not enough time to just relax....at least if you have them for a week, you would also NOT have them for a week.
So here we go again! My ss10
So here we go again! My ss10 was suppose to come here with us for Christmas break after Christmas. We live about 4 hours from him so his biomom usually meets us in the middle to get him. I talked to my ss10 yesterday and asked him how his Christmas was....he answered "terrible because some random kid punched me in the face" I of course automatically get upset and ask him where he was, who this kid was ect.....well since he has 3 dads and 3 moms as he says I wasn't sure where he was so I didn't know if I should believe him or not. I kept asking him more questions and he finally said under his breath that he just made it all up. Not know if he did or not I called his biomom today and told her. She then immediatly called my ss and asked him why he said this to me and his reply was "because I just felt like making it up" so now he is telling stories and upseting everyone....he tried this once before with my dh and told him that his "dad" which is really his ex step dad (his younger brothers biodad) used to be mean to him and all kinds of stories about him, come to find out none of this was true and of course he got in trouble. so this isn't his first time to do this sort of thing. His biomom says he has had a really bad attitude for a few weeks and that he has been yelling at her a lot also that he is now mad because his younger brother got a dsi and he only has a ds that we got him last christmas....we asked him what he wanted to christmas and the only thing he came up with was an ipad, ipod a computer, a laptop and an iphone....which all of these items are at least 300 dollars or more! So needless to say he will be getting toys from us and a couple of video games....well since he is acting like this we will be getting him on thurs and taking him back on sunday but I can say I am definitely NOT looking forward to a smart*** kid coming to visit. My dh says he will straighten him out as usual when he gets here but its a matter of having to deal with a brat for 2-3 days then he is better until we take him back to his biomom....seems to me that he is getting worse and worse. The hard part is that he and I usually get along for the most part and I love him just don't like him for the most part. He really does always push my buttons! Which is why I am on here lol!
My story gets better my ss12
My story gets better my ss12 does all of that and then some. He is a bed wetter due to an illiness he has. I try to tell his dad, my BF that he needs to not allow him to drink after a certain time at night, and he gets upset with me and tells me that he only gets to see his son three times a year and that he will be allowed to eat and drink as much as he wants because he doesn't get to spend that much time with him. My ss12 will wet the bed and go into the linen closet, get more sheets and a comforter, wet that, and my BF will kind of laugh and say, "Oh, well I know he has a condition, and this sort of thing happens all the time, we'll just clean it up and move on." I try really hard to be a loving stepmom to my ss12, but everytime he comes, I get mad before he even arrives. My BF morphs into someone else. We too argue about everything, more so than when he is not with us. I'm getting fed up with it all, I don't know if I am cut out for this.