This is a continuation to my: "He pissed me off" post.

Its 3:00 a.m. I don't know where to begin. Yesterday afternoon, I finally had the courage to end the silent treatment. Lets back up. I came home from work on Christmas Eve. Still expecting some sort of apology. Little did I know that his anger had been building. I got home around 2:00 p.m. from work, SD10 and I wrapped presents, and generally I kept my distance. His family was coming for dinner. When they got here, I played like nothing was wrong. No one was the wiser, although he and I barely spoke. They left around 10:00 p.m., as did SD10. (it's not our year to have her Christmas morning.). Afterward, I went to bed, again, in the spare room.

Christmas morning: I got up not long before SD10 returned: 10: a.m. DH and I still hadn't spoken to eachother. It was extremely sad and depressing. It was clear to me that he wasn't going to speak to me. Regardless, SD10 is here, we open presents. From my perspective, I don't really think she caught on to what was happening, but truthfully, she's not a stupid girl. Regardless, DH and i played happy family (although subdued) and went to his sister's with SD10 for more gift opening with MIL.

We return home, he takes SD10 to BM and when he returns, more silence.

By that point it was 2 days since we've talked. I was growing tired, depressed, hopeful ...thinking of how I could make this better somehow. I had been so angry the 2 nights before when he spoke to me in anger like that...I had such conviction this time....I truly believed how he reacted to my mock-laugh at what I thought was an joke at my expense, was extreme. Now, I just wanted the tension to end. I just wanted to make it better.

Christmas afternoon: We were to go back to SIL's for more family dinner. We've not spoken since SD10 went back to BM's 2 hours earlier. I gather up some courage and open the dialogue. I start with, "I think we have to talk". then, he explodes. I can't remember exactly what he said to me verbatim. His rant started in that room...I walked out of the room, going to the bedroom and sitting on the bed and he followed me in there. In his angry voice he said things like: All below was said while he was extremely aggitated ( i don't know how else to describe it: he's done this to me before, although not in a long time)

"Im so angry, I'm shaking"

"what do you have to say for yourself?" (or some version of that: i did answer with "there is no reasoning with you when your like this", and he responded.."no, no, I'm listening"....but he wasn't...its hard to describe...its like his anger shuts down any form of reasoning for him)

"You ruined Christmas"

"SD10 has been so worried for the past two days, I don't blame her for wanting to leave" (Note: I honestly don't know what he meant by that...SD10, not in front of me anyway, didn't express any desire to leave our house)

"You don't talk to me for days. Honestly you tell me what i did that was so bad that I deserved to be treated that way." (I remind him of the way he spoke to me in anger in front of SD10 two nights previous, and this just angers him more. He admitted that it was SD10 that had told him to come up to the room that night to apologize to me. In my "he pissed me off" post, I refer to that apology)

"You can return all the fucking presents you bought for me, I don't want them."

"You had no intention of coming back to SIL's. (i responded that this wasn't true, that I had started to get ready).

"Are you coming then?" (this had me completely dumfounded, because for the last 10 minutes of this rant, in my head, all I kept thinking was.."i want to die". The pain was intense, yet I was just numb. Now, looking back, I don't think I actually wanted to kill myself, I wanted to be anywhere else than in that room listening this man, who I love, say these things. Of all of his rants (in the past 4 or years, there has been, maybe 8, but not in the past couple of years)...this one was the worst.

He was still freaking out but yet asking if I was going to go with him to SIL's to play happy family. He even said..."we've faked it so far, what's another night".

I said something like: "why would you even WANT me to go? Clearly I'm this bitch who ruined christmas?" Then he said "I want you to go". Yet he was still angry, and the tone didn't match the words. I was confused. I asked him again, "Do you want a Divorce?"

It might have been that question, I think, the anger switched off in him. He then says "Its sad that We ruined our christmas". At this point, I think a part of me just wanted him to be the man that loved me. I want him to clarify what his truth is. I ask "was it ME that ruined christmas?" or "WE?" because 10 minutes ago, i was the piece of shit that ruined your Christmas? Then his anger returned.

Regardless, I felt that I was stuck. I thought I would go to SIL dinner and play happy family again, but that..i thought OMG my marriage is over.

I go to the other room, to continue to get ready, but then I start sobbing uncontrollably. I told him, he should go ahead without me, and that I would be at SIL's shortly after. He says he'll wait, but I insist and say that "I think we may need a bit of a break from eachother and I think I will fly to see my family this week". He says nothing and leaves.

I go to SIL's, he's there. I do my best, and its easy because its a loud, boistrous family and its easy to slip in the background. For the first half, I can barely look at him...but after a while, I just want to make peace. I sit next to him a few times. We leave in our separate vehicles. He gets home 2 minutes before me. I'm looking forward to trying to be our old selves again, but he goes to bed without really talking to me.

I'm now downstairs...its 4:20 a.m.

I know this post was long. I just..I'm so sad. I know in my head that I think he needs help. I know that I'm not that piece of shit that ruined christmas... my heart is having trouble reconciling it all though.

I just don't know where to go from here. We were doing so well. I had wanted so much to spend this week with him...just the two of us.

what do I do?