My (LONG) relocation story...
A previous post made me think of this and I did not want to hog that one so here goes, brace yourselves:
Almost 5 years ago at this point, DH and I got engaged. Of course this made BM go off the deep end. Back story: BM grew up in an area 1500 miles away but she lived in our area for the past 20 years. DH and BM were married here, lived here, had 2 kids here and the kids always went to school here (only one school as a matter of fact) and all of DH's family, who he is very close with, live here. BM's family lives back 1500 miles away where she grew up.
Back to the story. We get enaged. BM throws a fit. Tells the kids who were 12 and 6 at the time that she is leaving them and moving back to where she grew up. Even writes this in a email to DH. Kids are hysterical (Bm's words). We say "ok!" because we know she is crazy. Needless to say this starts months of craziness by her too long to mention. We get married 6 months later. BM files to relocate her and the kids 1500 miles away.
We figure we have a great case against her. BM is NOT nurturing AT ALL and we have her crazy emails to prove it. When they were married, DH did all of the child raising, cooking, etc. BM wantes to be treated like a queen and everyone else is her subjects (still does). Also, if any of you have looked into relocation, it is SUPPOSED to be in the "best interest of the children". BM has to prove this along with where they will live, go to school and where she will work. Court assigns a GAL.
Looooooonnnnnggggg story short: GAL writes scathing report against BM. He really saw right through her. Called her "plan" to move "half-baked". He and the oldest SS's psychiatrist testify at trial that moving is a bad idea. BM STILL has not shown the court any of the things required in a removal (i.e. where the kids go to school, live, where she will work). We figure we have a good case: Kids have always lived in the state, all of DH's large, active famly live here, kids have only gone to one school their entire lives, BM has lived here for 20 years, etc.etc.
Well, we were wrong. The Wise Judge (dripping sarcasm) was so obviously someone with mommy and/or daddy issies it was unbeleiveable (male judge). He obviously felt like, no matter what, it was only the mother who could raise a child. He let her go. With no plan. The GAL, who is also a lawyer, was absolyutely stunned. Both him and DH's lawyer almost quit being attorneys, I kid you not.
We appealed- we lost. She moved 2 years ago. DH now lives 1500 miles away from 2 sons he adores. To say he was devastated is to understate it. It almost ruined him. I had to literally hold him up through this. And the worst part is she HATES that area of the country. She always has- thats why she left in the first place.
She did it to hurt DH. Because he got enagaged, because he was getting married, she took his kids from him.
I can honestly say he is an excellant father. THIS is a father who is interested in his kids' lives, who wantes the best for them, who tucked them into bed and cooked for them when BM wouldnt. Who cries over the fact that they are so far away. Having no bios of my own I cant imagine the torment. he cant go to a school play, sporting event, doctors' appt with them. He is like an uncle who sends money.
This decision forever changed everyones' lives and I still cant beleive it happened. I forever and always lost whatever faith in the justice system I had left. Bad things happen to good people. I can onlt hope the opposite as well to that demon of a BM. What goes around comes around.
I'm so sorry that's happening
I'm so sorry that's happening to you. That's a terrible situation for everyone, especially the kids. Do you have partial custody, like summers or vacations or anything? You don't mention how the kids are doing, but the older one is old enough to decide for himself which parent, right? Were there any other circumstances that led the judge to uproot the kids?
well, they are not the type
well, they are not the type of kids to complain but we know BM is nutso and blows up at them all the time. The ironic thing is, she doesnt even want them! She just wanted to stick it to DH and collect CS. We have them 3 weeks in the summer and some long weekends here and there- works out to about every 6 weeks WE pay to fly them up and down (another decision by Wise Judge). Older one is now 16- he has neber been the type to stand up for himself. When I was his age I'd be telling BOTH my parents where to go }:) he is just kind of floating along. Younger one is 10 and adapts more readily to new situations so he is doing good.
BM totally and completely lied in trial. No surprise, huh? She told the judge she had an "extensive" network of family and old college buddies to help her. Um, she hasnt seen these people in 20 years! Half her family hates her and wont let them near their kids. SSs have not seen their cousins in a decade! Judge lapped it up. Funny thing is, because it was a lie, she is left to do everything down there. No DH to take the kids EOW and 2 nights a week. Sometimes she will complain about all she has to do and DH will respond "YOU chose this- you wanted to move! Where is that extensive network of people to help you out?" Like we have sympathy for her or something-right!
On a side note: SS16 psychiatrist here said reolcation was a bad idea but if the judge decided for it, SS was to see a new psychiatrist in the new place. Um, bets on if that ever happened? Its like Rags said: Judges should be able to see what is ACTUALLY happening AFTER their wise decisions
We watched the same situation
We watched the same situation with a friend of ours. He ended up never seeing his kids again. He is now suing the judge in a civil case. It is the same reason that DH didn't fight BM when SD14 decided she no longer wanted to live in our house. Too many rules! We heard from the lawyers that we couldn't win and it would cost too much. Well 12K later and we have given up SD to her mom and now she wants child support so nothing is settled. It won't be until at least Feb. We can't get on the calendar until then, because of a scandal with the judges in our county.
Im interested in what you
Im interested in what you said about suing the judge in a cicil case-how does that work?
Apparently he went to the Bar
Apparently he went to the Bar Association first and filed a grievance and has hired a lawyer for a civil action. This case has been going on for 5 years now. I know that they are back and forth and he was offered a settlement and refuses, he wants his day in court. He blames the judge for allowing her to move out of state and now he can't see his children. She has PAS'd them so bad, he hasn't seen them in over a year.
I can't even thank you enough
I can't even thank you enough for posting this.
Distance is SO hard. Watching the BF go through it is even harder. I know it kills him everyday.
The only advice I can give you is to be involved! We talk to teachers, friends, babysitters, everyone to let our presence be known.
Distanceparent.org has given us great resources and ideas.
Please do not be defeated and have hope that one day the kids will see the real story.
Also have peace in knowing that they wake up everyday safe, and your situation although not ideal, could be much worse.
I would love to chat with you if need be, and know that you are not alone in being a witness of the failed justice system.
Thank you, thats very kind
Thank you, thats very kind
I just have a feeling that,
I just have a feeling that, some day, the judge we had in our case is goin gto be found guilty himself of corruption or something! But too late to mend relationships then.....
I can't help but to hear the
I can't help but to hear the discouragement in your voice and I hope that you can overcome it so can your BF.
Kids want a relationship with their parents until the day they die.
Your story highlights the
Your story highlights the problem. The problem is family law judges who come from the bottom 10% of the legal profession and are otherwise unemployable. There is no law to keep them under control. They can rule any way they want regardless of how inane their rulings are and they are not held accountable in any way for their idiot decisions.
In our case after a 10 hour courtgasm where we paraded witness after witness (police officers, truant officers, licensed foster parents, and countless witnesses to the SpermIdiots illegal behavior and actions endangering my then infant SS) our idiot in black robes and a wooden hammer prefaced his ruling in my Skids custody/visitation/support hearing with "I hope everyone feels better now because I am going to do what I always do". :jawdrop: I almost flew across the bench and broke his bottom 10%er fucking neck. What a pompous ass to waste everyone's time and money with "I am going to do what I always do". And that was before he actually made a ruling.
When I blew a gasket on his ignorant ass he told me "if you don't like my decision, appeal. I don't care if I am over turned or not". Then he threatened to hold me in contempt or to have me thrown out of the courtroom by his bottom 10%er cop wannabe bailiffs. Grrrrrrrr!!!!! :O
The Judge proceeded to give the SpermIdiot 5-7wks of visitation a year. We wanted no visitation of course and the SpermClan wanted custody. They had no witnesses to recount our submittal of the SpermIdiots criminal record and extensive arrest record, or any character witnesses who could say anything positive about the guy.
Since then we have mailed dozens of pictures of our son't bleeding rectum from diaper rash so bad he would scream when we cleaned him up after he got home from a visitation. Pictures of Puss filled welts on his ass because the SpermClan would not take him to the toilet and instead let him wet and mess himself in a single diaper ALL DAY. Pictures of his grimy body that had not been bathed in days. Pictures of black sludge behind his ears, half inch long finger nails and toe nails, Doctors reports on his condition upon return from visitation. Pictures of head lice that he came home from SpermLand with, etc.....
Eventually we got a letter informing us that if we continued to mail this stuff to His Idiot Honor that we could be charged with harassment. WTF????? :? He made the decision and he has a problem seeing the results of his stupid decision?
Since the initial court hearing SpermDad has spawned three more out-of-wedlock children by two more mothers, abandoned all three of them on SpermGrandMa's door to raise and support, and let SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa pay his CS obligation on our son.
IMHO judges should be held criminally and civilly liable for the consequences of their decisions. If they let someone off with a light sentence who goes on to kill someone, the judge should be charged with murder also. If a judge gives custody to an abusive parent and that kid ends up being abused, the judge should loose every penny they ever earn in penalty for their idiot decision. Judges have no skin in the game and their decisions show it.
I have no use for the bottom 10%er family law judges. There may one or two out there who are worth a shit but I have yet to see one.
All IMHO of course.
I agree!!!!!!
I agree!!!!!!
As far as your vent about
As far as your vent about judges, I totally agree. If we had a different judge, we probably would have fought but never once has he ruled in our favor.
So great that 1 man can decide the future for so many.
We do the long distance thing
We do the long distance thing as well. Our arrangement is every other Christmas. Last year it was our Christmas year but Christmas fell on a Friday. We do the exchange on Saturdays so we would have to take the kids back the very next day after Christamas. DH asked BM nicely if we could do the exchange on Sunday instead this year so we could enjoy the kids playing with their gifts from Santa. Immediately got shut down "no way, we will be there 12 on Saturday and you better be there"
Couldnt even get an extra day, so much for the Christmas spirit....
Our long distance Christmas
Our long distance Christmas situation is not too bad for either side.
Even year’s visitation with BioDad is from the day school is out until Dec-24.
Odd year’s visitation with BioDad is from Dec-26 until the day before school starts. So on Even years he flies home on Dec 24th and on odd years he flies to SpermLand on the 26th. So, we have a similar situation to what you describe every other year. We open gifts on the AM of Dec 25th and his gifts sit on his bed for a week or so until he returns from visitation and can play with them.
BioDad and his extended family belong to a faith that does not celebrate Christmas so Dec 25th is always my wife's.
The SpermClan is always jockeying for extra time and will blow a gasket every couple of years when my wife refuses to give them the entire Winter break but we learned long ago that drama is minimized when we stick strictly to the visitation order.
My SS's visitation schedule has been 5wks Summer, ~1wk +/- Winter (the even and odd year thing I described above) and all of Spring Break ~1Wk for more than 16yrs.
He recently turned 18 so there is no more visitation schedule. He knows that if he wants to see the SpermClan he has to pay for the tickets or they do. We have paid half of the visitation costs per the CO for 16+ years and are not paying another cent to benefit THEM.
Snarky I know but that is the way it is from now on in our situation.
We have no use for BioDad and other than my SS's three younger also out-of-wedlock half sibs my SS has little respect for any of the SpermClan. Those poor kids are so screwed in life.
It is sad. I would truly love for them to be worthy of his respect and to be people of adequate character that they are not an embarrassment to him.
But, not on this planet.
Best regards,