Having Kids
Just wanted to say I am new here and am loving this site. I have been reading posts for about a week now and this is my first post. So glad to see there are people in the same boat as me. Also started reading "Stepmonster" last night. Found out I am in the toughest situation of stepmothers (no kids of my own, only see the stepkids infrequently due to them living 1500 miles away, coming into their lives when they were older than toddlers, and the facts that they are boys (10 & 16) so more frequently poisoned by their mother (aka "Psycho")
So today the stepkids go back to their state after 3 straight weeks with us for summer visitation. We end up seeing them every 6 weeks or so based on their school schedules. Psycho initiated a huge removal trial after DH and I got engaged (and subsequently married) a few years ago and won the right, due to lying, to move them out of state, 1500 miles away even though they spent their wholes lives here. So not only do we have to pay CS, we have to pay to fly them up and back (non-stop ONLY of course) and pay for all the things they need while they are here. Oh, and medical insurance, half of extracurricular and half of uninsured medical expenses. Fun!
Which leads me to my topic/rant/question.....
I always thought I wanted kids but, as most everyone here, I enjoy when the stepkids leave! I do! and DH knows this too. We have had many fights over the years about his lacksidasical "Disney dad" parenting. I am friendly with the boys, but I wouldnt say there is "love" there. They are actually good kids and I am lucky in that regard, no matter how Psycho has poisoned them. I feel so bad that DH has to be separated from them b/c a judge beleived the b.s. Psycho fed him. Since she has moved, she has done NOTHING that was "reccomended" by the court, including enrolling the oldest in therapy-NICE! As I said, I feel bad for DH, but a part of my is glad- glad I have my home and him mostly to myself. Which brings me to this......
Everyone knows the economy is terrible. Due to years of court battles, DH's commission job being lessened and stepkid expenses, we're lucky we can pay the mortgage every month. When they were married, Psycho made (yes, I know how that sounds) my DH get a vasectomy. We have since had it reveresed but have been trying for almost 4 years to conceive with no luck. I said to DH last night "well, this lack of money thing is pretty much deciding the whole lets have kids thing" and he said he was thinking the same thing. I said "well, at least you got your family" I was feeling bitter. We have to fund his kids who we barely see so our lives are limited. And the crazy thing? Im not even sure if I want kids any more! Ive seen first hand how difficult it is. But I am also at the stage in life where practically everyone I know is pregnant and I feel Im missing out. What if I regret it in 30 years? Who will be there for me?
wow, what a crazy situation to be in. makes me want to cry for myself.
When I first met DH, I didn't
When I first met DH, I didn't want to have children of my own and SS lived with us. BM had custody of SD (whole other story). I was content with not having kids and loved the life that we had when SS would go to BM's for the weekends or the summer. There was no CS due to the 50/50 split of the kids. A couple of years into things, SS went to live with BM due to PAS from BM and my MIL. We didn't pay CS but did pay his tution to a private school he would be attending. It was pretty much a wash from our calculations. When I about 32 or 33, I think my clock started ticking a little bit. I often wondered what I was missing out on and I was watching my DH who is an incredible father feel more and more like a failure as his son pulled farther and father away from him. We talked a lot about it and came to a compromise. I was ok if we didn't have children but I wasn't ok with not trying. He understood that and we set up a window of about 6 months that we would try in. Of course I didn't get pregnant during the window and decided I would ask at my next annual, if it was me. That way I would know and could be done with it. Well I walked away from that appointment pregnant. DS was born almost 9 months later.
Well of course we love our son and DH is just incredible with him. I wanted to try for another. Again a compromise was made and a window was set up. Of course you plan and god laughs. But nothing again this time. Well we didn't get serious about birth control and after a night out with the girls to see New Moon and a pitcher of Sangria, one thing led to another and now our DD is due in about 4 weeks.
My only advice would be, you need to really think about what you want in your life and if having a child is a part of that. And then sit down with your DH and let him know how you feel. Does he want to have another child?
Being Mom is a tough job but until I had DS, I never really felt like I knew my purpose in life and now I do.
Thanks so much for your
Thanks so much for your reply. My DH does want another child. He has always wanted this with me. And he is such a great father! Its one of the things that attracted me to him and that I admire about him. He had a vasectomy reversal for Gods sake!
I would love to see him with "our child".
Its frustrating, though. The almost 4 years of trying with doctors telling us everything is normal. We're not getting any younger!
Also, as I mentioned in the initial post, the money issues. We could never afford a child. We can barely afford HIS children and the dog. It would be unfair to us all I guess. Sometimes I get sad though and think that if I was in a different situation I would already have my child. My plan is this: we are doing what you did as well and are still "trying" aka not using any birth control. if it happens, it happens. I hate the people who say "No one is financially prepared for a child, if you wait you'll never have one!" Thats b.s.- you should be able to provide, have a plan, and we dont.
It is true that no one is
It is true that no one is really prepared to have a child - I do agree with that but you are right - you need to be in the best place possible. We do make sacrifices for having these kiddos. We both work full time and my DH works a rotational shift of 2 weeks days and 2 weeks nights plus 2 saturdays a month. I found wonderful day care and up until about 2 weeks ago we had zero family in the area. Now my folks are right down the street. So that will be helpful.
If your DH's situtation has changed at work, can he look into adjustment of his CS? It sounds like a lot if you sometimes scrap to make the mortgage. We also are huge Dave Ramsey fans and try to follow him as best we can in our world - we're not die hard about it but we try and that seems to help our budget out.
I have never heard of David
I have never heard of David Ramsey, what is he all about?
One of our problems is child support is relatively low b/c the court figured my DH having to fly both kids back and forth non-stop flights only every time he has a visit which averages every 6 weeks. What the judge DIDNT factor and beleive me, he really didnt care, was the fact that DH is always flying them around holidays so sometimes the airfare is astronomical! Not to mention all thse new fees that the airlines are imposing so not too many ways to get out of those kinds of things.....
I love Dave Ramsey. You can
I love Dave Ramsey. You can probably find some of his books at the library and he has a radio talkshow weekdays that you can listen to online at daveramsey.com
I've had this same issue
I've had this same issue recently. My clock is ticking as well and when people ask me if I want to have kids of my own, my most honest answer is I don't want to regret not having them.
My DH has three kids that he has custody of and live with us 2/3 of the time. If I was to have a child, I would want a bigger house. Our current house which is paid for is only big enough for the five us, three bedrooms and my two SDs share one wouldn't have room really for another kid. We really can't afford a house payment at this time. DH took a lower paying job two years ago in order to get custody of the skids. It's depleted our savings. Also, we're a two income family - combined it's barely enough and it would be really difficult for me to go back to work immediately after I had a baby. I'd really want to be home for a couple of years at least. I discussed this with DH this past weekend and our goals over the next year is to find more lucrative employment and employment for me that could possibly become part-time work from home after the baby is born.
I resent the fact that here I am taking all these things into consideration and BM has just so carelessly squirted out 4 kids and expected the rest of the world to pay for them. I resent that because my husband has 3 kids, we may never be able to afford any together. I may miss out on one of the most important of life's offerings. I could about cry just writing this.
I'm just hoping everything can work out in the next year.
I also have a lot of feelings
I also have a lot of feelings of resentment. I resent my DH even though its not his fault. I resent that he gets to have 2 kids and I have none. I resent all of our money goes towards kids we barely see. I resent he chose to have kids with a psycho. I resent he cant make more money. I resent the fact that if I do ever get pregnant it will come with feelings of joy mixed with feelings of pure terror of "how can we afford this????"
Im hoping all works out for you, I need a success story!