New here and really need help :(
I'm so angry and feel just useless. Ugh. My FH works quiet a distance away from our house, in his mothers town. He works late shifts every weekend, so now SD 10 spends every weekend at Granny's house and begs until the cows come home for him to do the same, and guess what he spends he actually does!! How can I not when "princess" begs me was his response!
This past week she was "sick", spent the night at Granny's and guess what so did he!
I am getting tired of this, I want my man home with me where he belongs. I am so frustrated.
Ever since he got this freakin job 4 weeks ago it's been like this, and I know it will continue on. I am so done. Screw the raise, really!
Am I overreacting? I am sitting here all alone the whole weekend, moved here to be with him, have no friends or family here. I hate my life!
Am I over reacting? How am I going to change things without causing a huge fight, but see some improvment at the same time?
He just can't say no to her, and she just knows this, before this job we had her every other weekend and on breaks, it's all about her, she requiers all the attention, interupts just to say say dumb things, won't leave our side, we had to use MSN in our own house, to discuss things, just because he won't step up to her and tell her grown ups need alone time.
I hope this all makes sense, I feel so sad right now after I found out he won't be coming home until after his shift early Monday morning 
Another lonley, frustrating weekend
I hate hate hate my life.
Maybe you should go stay at a
Maybe you should go stay at a friends on the days he comes home? Tell him your friend is sick, and needs you. See how he feels about that??
BTW, how far away is the new
BTW, how far away is the new job?
Pengy- I feel you lady! I am
Pengy- I feel you lady! I am a new stepmom (one year under my belt now) and my husband has a 10 year old daughter who plays the same tricks. it AMAZES me that he can't see the manipulation. It is sooo frustrating! I almost laughed when I read that you have had to use MSN to have converstaion, because we have had to do the same thing, all because my husband doesn't know how to tell HIS "princess" that everything does not revolve around her and that yes, adults need time to themselves. I will pray for your situation. Please do the same for mine. We are going to counseling as a family lately, and it is helping somewhat. No miracles yet' and we have full custody of his daughter- she only goes away two weekends every month- so it is incredibly difficult in my household. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. I've often felt like I am just mean or insensitive...but my heart tells me that our problem is his lack of ability to do the right thing...or prioritize the right way is a better way of saying that.
Hang in there. I know it's not easy. And don't hate YOUR life. Make something out of it! Go to a bookstore, to your favorite coffee shop, to a movie, something...don't sit home alone! MAKE a friend or two. I'm sure you are a lovely person with lots to give to a good friend.
Thank you ladies. I can't go
Thank you ladies.
I can't go with him, his mom stays in a one bedroom place, it's way to small, plus I have two small dogs I can't leave alone or take with.
His new job is about 20 Miles from here. I feel I don't have the right to tell him he can't spend the weekends with his child, but I don't think it's right that I always have to step back. This will lead into her staying at her Grandmas house on school breaks as well and him of course too, I just know it....
I hope I will have a job here soon and meet some people. I feel rather depressed latley, I am just so unhappy. It's causing friction in our realtionship and he tells me he feels like he is sitting between two chairs.
Tuckermcduffy1 I hope counseling will work for you guys.
It's only 20 miles from
It's only 20 miles from there??? Nope, no way no how would I let him use that as an excuse for not coming home. Plus the fact that grandma's in a one bedroom place? Where are the three of them sleeping?
If the daughter is staying up late on weekends waiting for dad to get off work, then he might as well pick her up from grandma's an bring her back home. Then he gets the 20 minutes of quality time with her on the ride back, can say goodnight and tuck her in, then sleep in his bed with you, where he belongs. Then the three of you have got the morning together.
Hi Pengy, I can understand
Hi Pengy,
I can understand your frustration.
I think that the situation is Unacceptable! I cannot understand it, it is only 20 miles and the bonding time in the car trip would be valuable.
I work rotating shiftwork 12 hrs and with travel time of up to 1.5 hrs each way , this can be a long day. I would not dream of spending the night anywhere else but at "home".
You really need to make your husband understand how you feel and work out a solution best for all parties.
One suggestion would be for everyone to relocate closer to work so that he can be home everynight.
In regards to the SD situation,please do not let resentment enter your feeling. Understand that that is normal for children to do this and get some advice on how to deal with this issue separately. Deal with one thing at a time until you can cross it off and are happy with the outcome.
As harsh as this sounds I
As harsh as this sounds I believe you just have to wait it out until he realizes what he is missing. I'd be doing stuff, fun stuff with friends, and relaying how much FUN I HAD within earshot of 'princess' because I know it's a manipulative thing she's doing but there might just be an ounce or two of insecurity with the girl. Let it be, the more you make an issue out of it the more the child will manipulate, it's really that simple!! In her mind you are taking her Daddy away from her and she's hell bent on keeping him, Honestly!! Reassurance for the girl is a good plan, I'd even give a blessing to it, saying something along the lines of 'my friend is staying over for the night so I'll see you another day' and your man will come around quicker to a lot less pressure from you, he'll feel lighter in his heart about his love for you and for his child knowing that you are patient with the situation. You get to see him every other night, right?? The child may even want to come visit your home once she sees you are not a threat to her relationship with her Daddy, hell she might even want to live with you!!
At first I was going to kind
At first I was going to kind of side with him but I was thinking his job was more like a 2hr drive or so away. 20 miles?! That is ridiculous!! All he has to do is pick up his daughter at granny's and drive home. Give me a break. My dh drives 2hours (after working all day on Friday) to pick up ss then drives 2hours to come back home. Then he does it again on Sunday to take ss back home. You need totalk to your dh and explaiownow you feel.
20 miles is really nothing. I
20 miles is really nothing. I drive that to see my sis and it's no time and I'm there.
This child/situation is not healthy for you guys..it's keeping you apart and I feel for you. I hope you can both find a way for you to have more time together.
Well, I spoke with him on the
Well, I spoke with him on the phone, he said he would come home Sunday afternoon to talk, we would take a drive have a coffee somewhere and talk about it.
Two hours later, he calls, SD wants to come, I asked how are we suposed to talk when she is with us, he said we can do that blah blah stuff some other time, he belittled it, even called me stupid. :O
I told him this conversation is very important to me, I want to talk to him in private.
He said, it is not his fault she wants to come along. We fought, end of story I'm staying home.
I know the problem is not SD, it's him.
I think you are coming to the
I think you are coming to the realisation that you are and probably always will be second to his daughters wishes. But I hope I am wrong. Bet ya feel no matter how bad you feel, how hurt and discarded, your needs will always be second to SD wishes. I dont know your whole situation, sounds similar to mine, but when you love someone and want to be a family then compromises have to be made by everyone for it to gel. I dont know how you can make someone see the effects of what they are doing on the relationship. As they say the first part in solving a problem is to actually recognise there is a problem. He possibly sees that it is only you that has the problem. I hope he has not used his daughter as an excuse to avoid the issue. By your previous post it seems that this and the 20 miles are pretty trival reasons for not coming home and taking care of business. Best of luck
AH!! That's a whole new ball
AH!! That's a whole new ball of wax!! There are three problems that I can see here. The first is with him, the second is with you and the third is a not so innocent child. As I said earlier the child sees you as a threat to her relationship with her Daddy, maybe he sees you as a threat to his relationship with his little girl?? I'd back off a while on the topic, seriously, the man is torn between you and blood is thicker than water. If you really, in your heart of hearts, want a relationship with this man then his daughter is very much a part of him and is probably not going to stop manipulating until she feels more secure with you. Spend the time with her, do fun stuff with her, let her see that you are not a bad person and that Daddy can be happy with you and her both. He really does need to 'grow a pair' but in the meantime your relationship with him can withstand this temporary interruption I am certain. She's still a baby to her Daddy, remember that!! Daddy never likes to see his little princess suffer...you are a grown woman so he does not feel quite as much protective instinct towards you. Build a relationship with the child, look beyond the manipulations. Each time a child spots a vulnerablity with an adult they will pounce on it and use it for their own purpose...sad but true!! Give the child time to come around, I am sure she will. I have been in your situation, I learned this the hard way!!
He'll grow a pair soon, they
He'll grow a pair soon, they are just lentil sized at the moment and maybe he's trying to please everyone?? It's not easy being stuck home alone, drawing the short straw but it really is up to you how you manage your life and how you balance your affections. I am not saying that what he does is right,not by any means, but I saw the anguish my DH went through with his kids and a very manipulative daughter, aged 10 also. I took a step back and pursued my own hobbies for a while until the 'adjustment' took place. I have a very strong bond with the girl now, she's 17 and we all survived!!
I have never, not even once,
I have never, not even once, not even slightly suggested to him he should put me first, quiet the opposite I told him she should come first always. He even left our vacation after a week because she missed him, did I like it? No, but I smiled thru tears and we packed and went home.
Enough is enough already, this is the very first time I actually said something. Now I am being called stupid.
I have some needs to, I don't mind holding back some, but I should not have to pull the shorter stick all the time.
He is working 7! days a week, including weekends, it is not to much to ask that he would spend half a day with me on a Sunday afternoon to talk about some things.
I bet there is more to it then he cares to admit. I asked him if there is something else, but he denies.
I feel like packing if I only had someplace to go
I am no expert just someone
I am no expert just someone who has empathy for your situation. I did not mean to suggest that you have placed your needs first. I have found that most caring parents do place the kids first be it their biological or step. However there are situations when the needs of a parent should come first. Everybody in the family should be happy, have their needs met. If you are not happy it will have a flow on effect with all concerned. So I believe it is reasonable for your needs to come first in this situation. To be called names when you are trying to express your feeling shows immaturity, a lack of respect and compassion. Totally unacceptable.
From your previous comments I gather he is working more hours at a higher pay rate than before. If so maybe you could travel the 20 miles book into a hotel and then after he finishes work and see if he is willing to discuss the matter and genuinely take your feelings into account and work actively to a common solution.
I really think you need to work out what you would like as an acceptable outcome and work towards that. However compromise is all part of the relationship (from ALL parties)and it never hurts to have a fall back plan. I know you have no friends or family there but they are just a phone call away if needed.
From your comments I understand that he works 7 days a week and never comes home. Is this is correct then somethings wrong. 20 miles is nothing to be next to the one you love.
That's a good idea!! A pet
That's a good idea!! A pet friendly hotel, he tucks child in and comes to stay with you!
She lives with her mom, she
She lives with her mom, she goes to grandmas because she knows when she calls him from there he will come.
I'm willing to compromise,I
I'm willing to compromise,I have asked him to work something out that's right for all of us but he has a huge problem with telling her no, she wants it her way, so her way it's gonna be. She is manipulating him and he doesn't see it.
He lets her eat sugar cubes by the handful for snacks, because if he tells her no, she cries. It doesn't matter if she ruins her health as long as she is happy....
I'm exhausted and will take a huge step back, it's been 3 long years. The older she gets, the worse things have become.
Pengy - this is a very
Pengy - this is a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry - I know that people have to work far away now with the economy but he is your husband and he did marry you so he should be making that drive to see you on the weekends - I am not sure of where your SD10 lives but he also needs to see her - now if he is seeing her all week then he should be making the drive home to see you - I saw a story on 60 minutes where a dad drove hundreds of miles every friday to see his wife and kids for the weekend then on Sunday drives hundreds of miles to get back to work - it can be done - you need to have a talk with your DH and explain how you gave up everything to come and be with him not to be a weekend widow - good luck sweetie and let us know more!!
Post edit - just read all of the posts - tell you DH to get his ass home - it is 20 miles away my husband travels more than that every day - bring the little witch if he has to but come one 20 miles is less than a half hour unless you mean 200 miles?
I agree, especially since you
I agree, especially since you are not even married yet? Think very seriously about this. There is more going on.
They have joint custody, at
They have joint custody, at first she lived with her mom, did not like her mom's BF so she came to live with us. After 4 months with us she wanted to go back to her moms, she acted out until her dad gave in, six months later she wanted to come back with us, acted out at her mom's even threw a bottler at her step dad, so her parents gave in and she came to stay with us AGAIN. THEN after 5 months she wanted back to mom, and that's where she is now. This time she will stay there, I am not going thru this ever again.
I am thinking she is working on her dad again to return to live with us.
I finally talked her mom into taking her back to counseling. She needs help. When she stayed here with us, she bad mouthed us there and vice versa. Everyone is seeing it, her mom, her step dad just not her dad.
On visits the two of them will spend the whole time bad mouthing her mom's boyfriend, I`m sick of it.
When she lived with us, she had no respect for me, when I told her to clean up after herself, dad told her in front of me no she does not. She brought home D's and they joked about it.
She curses like a sailor, and he and his mother joke how she talks like an adult.
I tried my very best to help her get her grades up, to teach her manners and turn her into a respectful young lady, her dad was nothing but counter productive.
I'm not going thru this hell again.
I have been very nice, I'm a quiet person by nature, always showed nothing but understanding.
All I want is a normal life, nothing more nothing less.
Suggest he stop by is Mom's
Suggest he stop by is Mom's house to pick up is daughter and bring her home and to spend the weekend with all three of you. Why doesn't he want to bring her home? By nature, he will tend to lean toward his daughter over other people.
Hun, this is just way too
Hun, this is just way too weird...and trust me weirdness is RAMPANT in my marriage with my DH and his kids.
Is it possible the ex is brainwashing your man in some way - like she feels the child should not be around you? And your DH just doesn't want to be in the middle of that..doesn't want to confront her over it so he just goes along with it? If so, been there, done that. Got the T-shirt on that shit. Maybe he's feeling if he keeps the child from you, he won't have to hear from his ex and her tirades.
If so though....he's got a problem. He needs to stop and think of what woman he wants to please...the woman from his past or the woman who is his present and future...YOU.
Good luck!
Gosh this is a tricky one.
Gosh this is a tricky one. I'm assuming that outside of this SD issue you have a good relationship with your DH? It's not great that he ditched your serious talk idea because SD wouldn't stay behind for one evening, so if I were you I'd start my own plan to get him to WANT one on one time with you. I think I'd be tempted to try to make the most of my weekends alone, pamper myself and maybe do a course or some sort of part time study, go to visit friends or family, try to have fun, and wait till DH comes to the realisation himself that actually pandering to his daughter's preferences means he's missing out and missing you. Think of stuff you always wanted to do if only you had time.
Your DH hasn't been doing this staying at Granny's thing very long, maybe if you give him enough rope to hang himself, so to speak, he's going to come to the conclusion you want, which is that staying away for much of the week is not great. The benefit of this approach is that it sidesteps the classic guilty Dad 'choosing between daughter and wife' strop reflex, so that rather than having a confrontation over it, and feeling low because you feel like you're desperately fighting for attention, instead it puts you in control. It doesn't mean you don't show you miss him, but if you have other stuff to do, and don't make an issue out of the Granny thing for a while, it makes it about the fact that you want to spend time with him, rather than need to spend time with him. Anyway this is my theory!
In fact re-reading your post
In fact re-reading your post and subsequent comments the words 'useless' 'sad' and 'lonely' are a red flag to me. This is seriously affecting your self esteem and you need to do something to take control of your life and focus on you and what you need instead of your partner. You are NOT useless, and you must not let your partner's behaviour make you feel that way. As justmydarkroom says, if you do not have a job, try to get one. It will get you out, give you a focus and enable you to meet people and build your own social network. Regardless of the circumstances it is not healthy to be too socially dependent on your partner, and it's doubly dangerous when there is a tug of love with an overly indulged SD, because it's really damaging to your confidence to worry you're third in importance behind SD and overtime. If you moved to be with him, and he does not value, appreciate and support that then you need to start leading by example and putting yourself first. Your partner and his ex are doing SD no favours allowing her to dictate her living arrangements and swap custody on a whim every few months. That will cause her major harm and is a bad sign with regard to how he intends to parent his daughter if you stay together.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your help.
He called me the whole time last night from work. I didn't pick up the phone. He showed up after work and I was friendly but distant with him.
I will just let him be, ignoring him some, I even fake texted, that's so high school, I know, but I got his attention he kept walking past me trying to sneak
I will turn things around on him now.
Only 20 miles? No! That is
Only 20 miles? No! That is NOTHING! He needs to come home! And they're staying in a one bedroom place? What exactly are the sleeping arrangements then?
And I have to agree with giveitago. When I have my weekends by myself (my choice because it's too much grief and frustration otherwise) I have friends over or go do something cool. I take MY time and enjoy it. You can get some friends. It's a lot easier to have some when you have time for them, too! BF just gets so frustrated when he can't make me participate in skid weekend, but it causing eye opening on his part, too. It's really working.
I love your comment - I know
I love your comment -
I know the problem is not SD, it's him.
You are so right!! It took me forever to see that; I spent years hating SD11 - and then when we took her on FT - I realized it was daddy letting her do these things. It's called tough love - things don't always go YOUR way and that's life. I really think HE needs to see how important this is to you. Your not asking him to kick his "princess" to the curb - Don't fall into what I did PLEASE
Stand up for yourself - I wouldn't cause a huge war or anything; but it is really important to let his daughter see that you are important too.
Good luck.