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Decided to Disengage and now SD wants a relationship!!

hbell0428's picture

Submitted by hbell0428 on Fri, 10/29/2010 - 7:02am

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My SD13 and I have not been meshing well since she moved in FT; I have taken steps to disengage (kind of felt good about it). I have done it for about a week or so and have felt a sense of relief almost :? . Last night dad told me she approached him and wants to work on a mother daughter relationship - After 11 Years?? I am kind of nervous; have any of you dealt with this before?? Should I really go for it?? I am nervouse because BD and I have such diff parenting styles that I think it will be a disaster. We have 3 kids together; but in the end - what I say goes with them. Advice??

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Fri, 10/29/2010 - 8:29am

I have told myself if ss ever made genuine attempts to have a relationship with me then I would leave the door open.
I dont know your situation, but I am not sure that her saying something to her dad counts as a genuine attempt. I would be cautious, yet friendly. time will tell if her efforts are genuine.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Fri, 10/29/2010 - 8:32am

Be cautious. I got burned with this after I disengaged. She was only nice when she wanted me to buy her something or get her Dad to take her off grounding. Learned my lesson the minute the CO Modification was served. She had been playing us for months while her and BM got it all together. I am very skeptic of manipulative teenagers...

hbell0428's picture

Submitted by hbell0428 on Fri, 10/29/2010 - 8:39am

I see all your points!! Thanks; will proceed with eyes OPEN; I hate to feel this way but I think her saying this to dad is her way of trying to get the "upper" hand if you will; like see daddy I tried...... goodness, it's awful to feel that way about a 13 girl - but I have been burned before.....

lostlisa's picture

Submitted by lostlisa on Mon, 11/01/2010 - 5:48pm

I agree, if she wanted to work this out she would have come to you, instead she goes to dad, that makes her look good. Don't let your kindness get mistaken for weakness.

starfish's picture

Submitted by starfish on Fri, 10/29/2010 - 8:55am

i would proceed with extreme caution and probably carry a big ass stick, too.

the fact that she went to her "daddy", makes me think she was more so telling on you then trying to mend a relationship. if she so desired a mother/daughter relationship with you, i don't see why she wouldn't approach you first.

now that she's put herself in the best light for her dad, you're a bitch if you don't reach out.

give a little and just a little and see what she does with it. i'm scared for you.

LizzieA's picture

Submitted by LizzieA on Fri, 10/29/2010 - 9:02am

Also, you could have DH set the expectations with her. Well, dear, if you are serious, this is what I suggest you do...put the ball in her court to make the first real attempts, not have her sit back and wait for you to come crawling to her.

hbell0428's picture

Submitted by hbell0428 on Fri, 10/29/2010 - 9:06am

Agreed!! Dad did say did SD talk to you yet? I should have just said nope and continued on; instead I fell for it and said - about what? Darn.... Well I did say; I will wait for her to approach me when she's ready - this way the ball is in her court again - hopefully. I don't think it will last

Eyes Wide Open's picture

Submitted by Eyes Wide Open on Fri, 10/29/2010 - 9:59am

Proceed with caution. Christmas is coming and these skids aren't stupid!

Orange County Ca's picture

Submitted by Orange County Ca on Fri, 10/29/2010 - 11:37am

I don't see why you can't have it both ways. Disengagement to me doesn't mean you're ignoring the kid.

Disengagement means you are not participating in the kids discipline. You can help her with homework, teach her to bake a cake or drive a car, you can go to the home room on back to school night as long as both of you feel comfortable.

I agree with the others in that her motivations may not be pure but why not take the good while disengaging from the bad (discipline which you have no power to enforce)?

donna123's picture

Submitted by donna123 on Fri, 10/29/2010 - 2:10pm

I know this routine. Great, I thought we are finally going to bury the hatchet.
SD (33years old) starts off with “no offence meant donna, but you dug your own grave.” No offence taken I told her, “I dug that grave for you!”

Proceed with caution.

Orange County Ca's picture

Submitted by Orange County Ca on Fri, 10/29/2010 - 3:14pm

PS: This is a good example of disengagement working. Now that you are not trying to engage her she wants to be engaged.

hbell0428's picture

Submitted by hbell0428 on Mon, 11/01/2010 - 10:48am

Thanks!! Still not talk - I am not ignoring her in any way; in fact this weekend she walked by me all day! I just kept right on doing my normal stuff. She asked me to pick up some spray glitter for her hair; so I went and searched for 20 minutes in the store; associates and all. I get back - she looks at it; (guess it wasn't the right one) slams in down; doesn't even use it and not one thank you!! If it was my BK I wouldn't hesitate.............

ThatGirl's picture

Submitted by ThatGirl on Mon, 11/01/2010 - 6:00pm

You blew it! She was testing you. You should have never picked up the glitter for her, instead you should have said, "Better go ask your dad, I can't do it."

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Submitted by GoodbyeNormaJean on Tue, 11/02/2010 - 1:41am

If she wants to work on it, she will. If it were me, there would be no "burying the hatchet" unless it was in the middle of the little tart's back. It would be "she modifies her behavior, and if she is guinuine and sincere, I may modify mine, but you gotta show me something first."

I was born at night, but it wasn't LAST night.

hbell0428's picture

Submitted by hbell0428 on Fri, 11/05/2010 - 9:09am

I know!! It is just so hard for me to swallow; it's not like I am some B* out to get her - it is just so weird to me.......