New here - and NOT Spamming!
Good morning,
I've been reading these posts for a couple of weeks now to see if this is somewhere I'd like to be, and it is. I've found a lot of good, insightful, and truly heart-felt information shared and advice given.
A little about me: I have 2 bio kids, 10 and 13. Previously widowed, and have been remarried for 3 years. That marriage brought with it 2 children who are now mid-teens. So our number grew to 6.
I experience all of the drama everyone else does -- my relationship with my DH, his guilt relationship with his kids, and his dysfunctional relationship with his ex that has carried over all these years they've been divorced.
When it comes to trying to address these issues with my DH, it's like lighting up a smoke at a BP refinery... highly combustible! And the skids, well, I don't exist in their world. BM considers me a threat because I'm everything she's not -- independent, EMPLOYED, just to name a few; this in turn makes her try to cling to my DH and rule the roost even more (her idea of living means having everyone else take care of HER). She's remarried but that doesn't seem to occupy enough time for her so she needs to enlarge her reign of terror in this family. I'm sure you all know the storyline so I won't continue to bore you with that.
Thanks for letting me become a member!
B22S22 (biomom to 2, step to 2)
I have pretty much
I have pretty much disengaged, as difficult as it is. Difficult in the sense that I had hoped and tried from the very beginning to make this work. I know my SK's relationship with their BM is marginal because it's all about her. They complain to DH and their grandparents (DH's parents) that BM is lazy, selfish, and spends the majority of CS on herself, and she's only about the money. Funny thing is, from my perspective they need to take a look in the mirror once in a while, because those 2 apples didn't fall far from the tree. I'm not acknowledged by them, but when they want something from their dad they give absolutely no consideration to who else has a financial stake in the purchase. But you know what they say, "the enemy of my enemy is my friend." They may not think terribly highly of their BM, but since she detests my existence and the SK's feel I've ruined their lives by marrying their father, they share a common bond with her.
Welcome. Unfortunately it
Welcome.
Unfortunately it never seems that the children who reside primarily with the BM ever turn out any differently than her, no matter how much they complain about her. My SD is the same way - she tells DH her mom is dumb, stupid, etc., yet she does the same kind of things her mom does. It's really easy for them to fall into the groupthink that occurs at BM's house. Of course they don't/won't/can't say anything when at BM's house so they vent to outsiders. Of course, what do you think they're telling BM about you and DH? It's a classic case of playing the parents against each other. Been there done that. I just hope that disengaging is the best course of action for you. Would it help if DH talked to them about respecting others in the family? What is their relationship with your BK's? Good luck to you.
Update, I just finished
Update, I just finished reading "Stepmonsters"... and it was very enlightening to say the least. I've already put some of the info into action, and you know, life CAN be pleasant. As far as DH talking to them about being respectful -- he talks, they ignore. It's as though DH bringing it up makes them know it's not OK, so therefore, they do it with a vengeance!!!! We'll see what the vengeance is all about soon, their "birthday party" is in a couple of weeks(they're 15 so "party" means we're having dinner at our house with DH's parents invited)... I told my DH 2 weeks ago that I would no longer be involved with such ill-mannered, disrespecting children as those two. I have no CLUE what DH has gotten them for their birthday (yes I do - nothing - because he thinks I'll do it). Apparently they told their dad they EXPECT laptops for their birthdays - what a joke when there were more F's on their gradecards then anything else!! I don't reward for bad behavior OR poor performance. I'm being a bitch, but c'est la vie
As far as their relationship with my kids -- my DD is a little younger than them and she can't stand them. They have been nothing but cruel to her. Understand that my DD is far beyond her years, has been for a long time (my 1st DH, her dad, passed away when she was 5 and my DS was 3). She doesn't hold their behaviors against me or my DH, she knows they are what they are and just ignores them. My DS has learned the hard way, he's younger and really looked up to them -- the SK's run hot and cold with him; one day they'll treat him really well, then turn on him in an instant and be really shitty. He's to the point he doesn't want anything to do with them either. Unfortunately, the recurring theme isn't noted by anyone else in this household, although my DH's parents have noticed it and are absolutely appalled at their behaviors. But like I said, the apples didn't fall far from the tree because their BM treats people in the exact same manner. She's even cussed at me in front of them, and they actually stood there and laughed! I wanted to smack the shit out of all 3.... but I kept myself in check and reminded myself that I am of a much higher-class breed.... and I continue to repeat that to myself!