I feel the need to come to all of you - my fellow STalkers - about something I did recently that although I am not PROUD of, I do not regret it, either.

Despite the 6+ years of always "taking the high road", "biting my tongue", "doing the right thing for the skids", etc..., I recently unintentionally broke a cardinal rule of stepparenting - without even knowing it. I think the "Confession" blog that was posted by someone else inspired me to write this, so here goes...

My dearest fellow StepTalkers,

I have recently sinned by breaking the cardinal rule of stepparenting which states "Do NOT talk bad about BM/the other bioparent in front of skids.". Although my conversation was over the phone, was not directed at my BM but was about ANOTHER BM (NOT my skids' BM) and was in my private home office, I still felt badly about it.

My FSD16 came barging into my home office, mid-conversation, and said "Can you please stop talking bad about my Mom?" and walked out. I immediately went into the other room to speak to FSD16 & FSSstb13 directly about it, with phone in hand, and told them my conversation was private and just so they would know, had absolutely nothing to do with their BM. At the same time, I even politely offered to have them get on the phone with my friend for her to confirm to them that we were speaking of someone else, but they didn't budge - the "damage" was done and they didn't believe the truth.

I hung up the phone & had a 1/2 hour long conversation with them, listened to their concerns, addressed each one gently, told them I had nothing against their BM and what I did say was in response to my friend's BM about HER , not their mom, they wouldn't listen. They listened and they spoke to me (especially FSSstb13 - he came around and was OK) but FSD16 wouldn't budge. So no matter what I said, in her eyes, I was "guilty as charged".

Note: everything I said was FACTS, not badmouthing or namecalling, about my friend's BM (i.e. she dates guys with tattoos, she constantly calls her exH when she's alone and leaves him alone when she has a boyfriend, she keeps getting dumped by these guys because they eventually see her "true colors" and learn she has nothing to offer & is not a nice person, etc...). I never called her fat or a whore or used negative descriptive words. Just stated facts. The facts about my friend's BM are very similar to the facts about my BM - but across the board (as I have learned here), facts like these about most BM's are the same across the board.

Let's think about this a second, if I REALLY WANTED TO TALK TRASH and go off about BM over the phone, WHY OH WHY would I do so with skids sitting only 20 feet away from me, within clear earshot of my conversation??? I even said this to FSD16 - does it make sense that if I had a problem with her BM that I would talk about her RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM??? I NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER spoke badly about their BM in the 6+ years I've known the skids!!! At this point, FSD16 said we were ok, and that she must have misheard and didn't realize that I was talking about someone else.

When their BM came to pick them up about an hour later, of course, they told her everything I said that they overheard, and of course BM immediately called my BF and went off on him about me talking trash about her (unbeknownst to me). When my BF came home from work that day, I immediately let him know what had happened that day, just so that he would get the TRUTHFUL version of what had happened FIRST, but little did I know BM had already decided that this was such a life-threatening emergency that she called him on his cell phone while he was at work and DEMANDED him to "Tell your GIRLFRIEND she must stop talking bad about me in front of MY KIDS....blah, blah, blah". My BF asked BM if she confronted me DIRECTLY about the allegations (which of course, she didn't) and he said to her that it didn't sound right, because Milomom wouldn't do that (because I DIDN'T!!).

The result: my BF told me that I should call BM to discuss it (I suppose to "smooth things over".). At first, I said I would, no problem. Then I had to re-think that decision and changed my mind. I told my BF I wouldn't call her to do anything of the kind! She has put us through such crap in the past (once even accusing me of "touching" my FSD "inappropriately" when FSD was 13 in an email) and NEVER, EVER APOLOGIZED OR EXPLAINED HERSELF TO ME knowing that what she was saying was FALSE and NEVER HAPPENED. I then literally took a long, hot shower and thought about the whole thing - almost shaking in anger/frustration/disgust that once again, I am "defending" myself and being asked to APOLOGIZE to BM for something that wasn't about BM at all.

I never did call BM to discuss it. I thought long and hard about the things I said over the phone that day about my friend's BM. You know what? There are A LOT of similarities between my friend's BM & my BM, the craziness we go through, etc... The things I said to describe HER BM were very similar to my BM. So if I really "stretch" to try to understand skids' side of things and what they heard me saying, that they think their mother is being verbally attacked, I can see why they reacted. When I discussed this with the skids, I even TOLD THEM THAT - that I would've reacted the same way - protective of my mother as they were about theirs. But I told them there was absolutely NO NEED to protect her from me because I was NOT TALKING ABOUT THEIR BM.

You would think after 6+ years of "taking the high road" and never talking about BM around skids, that I would have gotten some form of the benefit of the doubt. I think that's why FSS13 was OK with everything after I spoke to them, because he gave me the benefit of the doubt, as I have ALWAYS, ALWAYS been nothing but nice, kind, respectful and loving to them and have NEVER said a bad word EVER about their mother (I leave that to when I vent here on StepTalk - lol). Too bad that FSD16 didn't give me the same benefit of the doubt...nope she went right to her BM to stir the pot - just when things were quiet & peaceful & amicable - as they've been for about 2 years now. Sometimes I wonder if FSD16 did this on purpose - to cause drama.

By the way, FSD16 is turning out to be JUST.LIKE.HER.MOTHER! So none of this TRULY surprises me.

Moral of the story: I am confessing, partially sarcastically, because I know that I should've just waited to have that phone conversation when skids weren't around (even though it was about someone else) and that I made a mistake. I'm sorry. I told skids the truth and I STILL APOLOGIZED for the misunderstanding. I always was taught to tell the truth and I did, and no matter what, I was "guilty" in FSD16's eyes. Oh and the OVERALL result is that I just decided to drop it, never mention it again in front of skids or in front of BF, nor to BM - and it would just eventually fade away (like most unnecessary BM drama does) and IT WORKED!!! Over the past few weeks, everything has been "business as usual" in our home, except that FSD16 still seems to hold a grudge (i.e. one-word answers like "fine" when I try to talk to her after school, etc...). I'm not worried, she'll come around eventually. I've promised myself to NEVER, EVER speak negatively/vent about ANYONE anymore in front of skids. I don't want to hurt them and I don't want to lose the good relationship we've had for the past 6+ years. I've learned to stay positive and to not allow the negative thoughts/words to cross my mind EVER when skids are around.

Go ahead, slap me around. I'm prepared for it.