We are not bad people for disliking Skids!!!!!
I just posted this on someones topic who was feeling guilty for being annoyed by Skids and I really think we ALL need to stop and remember that WE ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE!!!
POSTER: "I KNOW that if I were a more tolerant, better person, I would rise above and overlook it all."
DAIZY: This phrase in your post really got me too. You are not a bad person for finding children annoying, whether it be your children, your Skids, or your friends children. I think we all have stages, ages and "things" that drive us nuts and that doesn't make us bad people. And to have to live with someone who is not of your choosing???? We're bound to be annoyed!!!! Seriously, when you move out from home as a teenager, you CHOOSE your roomate(s), when you have a serious relationship and move in with someone, you CHOSE that person. Skids are forced on us and we have to take them whether we like the way the behave or not and that is a really bitter pill to swallow sometimes!
Keep you chin up and stop beating yourself up for being NORMAL!!!
I agree 1000% !!!! And this
I agree 1000% !!!! And this malarky - "you knew about my kids when you married me and you chose them as part of your family too" - is a bunch of monkey!! I married my DW - NOT her kids!!!
Do not feel bad at all about not loving and being annoyed with skids. They are NOT our children. I don't love them - there isn't a connection - and that is "okay".
POSTER: "I KNOW that if I were a more tolerant, better person, I would rise above and overlook it all."
Yeah right - in a perfect world. Get real.
WE ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE!!
Daizy Duke - You are right -
Daizy Duke - You are right - we do choose roommates, friends, partners... But having said that, choosing a partner sometimes means CHOOSING AN ENTIRE FAMILY. If someone doesn't like the skids, but only likes the partner, then how does that help anyone? The person themself, the partner, the kids? It doesn't.
It is correct to say that people - kids, skids, SO's, co-workers, friends, etc can all be annoying to us at one time or another, to different extents!
Also - we can only control who is in our life to a certain extent. My husband has some family members that I don't particularly care for. I have worked with people that I actively did not like at all. The thing was - I don't have to participate in their lives BUT I do have to figure out a way to get along when the situation dictates.
So yeah, it's not fair to say someone is "bad" (plus we're not children here) for not liking a skid. It is - in my opinion - somewhat fair to say, You may not like them, but you need to find a way to deal since they are a part of your SO's life. And you chose your SO. That doesn't mean being a doormat. It just means figure out what you can and will / won't take.
Venting can help the situation. Venting just to hear others say how right you are can actually sometimes make things worse.
choosing a partner sometimes
choosing a partner sometimes means CHOOSING AN ENTIRE FAMILY
...not to mention sometimes a psychotic EX-family!
Daizy, I agree with part of
Daizy, I agree with part of what you said. I agree that we are not bad people for not always liking the stepkids. Hell, I don't like my bio kids about 50% of the time. I think that's totally normal.
Here is where we disagree. You said: And to have to live with someone who is not of your choosing????
When you marry a man with children, you make the choice to live with (either part time or full time) the kids. (Unless you are one of those rare stepmothers who gets married and later finds out that the guy has a kid... *shudder)
You may not have known what to expect. You may very well have made a different choice had you known. The circumstances may have changed...non-custodial to custodial, for example. But if you marry a man with kids, you are choosing your stepkids.
The only ones who truly don't have a choice are the stepkids.
I think to imply differently not only forces us to give up power, but puts on the on the same level as some of the biological mothers we loathe. Personal responsibility means accepting the consequences...good and bad....of our choices.
“The only ones who truly
“The only ones who truly don't have a choice are the stepkids.”
That's heavy dude. What a chilling and accurate statement… and one I’m going to try to remember the next time I’m feeling too annoyed with my skids… I chose to be here with them, they didn’t choose me. Wow…
But I agree with the gist of this post. We are not BAD people… we’re just human beings with human emotions and faults. I think the best thing is to always pick yourself up and try a little harder.
I agree to a point, but beg
I agree to a point, but beg to differ....I did not marry my Skids, I married my husband, I CHOSE him through the process of dating, becoming friends, confidants, lovers etc. His kids were part of the package but played no roll in my decision to marry him or not.
How is this really much different than if I accept an offer for my dream job, knowing that my new boss will probably drive me nuts from time to time? Am I a bad person for crabbing about my boss when they annoy me and is it MY FAULT for accepting my dream job knowing that this was bound to happen??
His kids were part of the
His kids were part of the package but played no roll in my decision to marry him or not.
Then you made a decision without examining all of the variables.
How is this really much different than if I accept an offer for my dream job, knowing that my new boss will probably drive me nuts from time to time?
You don't live with your boss. You don't love your boss. There is no emotional investment. And you can leave if he really starts to drive you nuts.
Am I a bad person for crabbing about my boss when they annoy me and is it MY FAULT for accepting my dream job knowing that this was bound to happen?
((hugs)) You're not a bad person for crabbing about your boss...or your stepkids. But to suggest that you didn't choose either is not accepting responsibility for your actions. You did choose your stepkids. You don't have to like them all the time. If they played "no roll in your decision to marry" their father, then you made a rather immature, naive decision. It doesn't make you a bad person. We do the best we can with what we know....when we learn better, we make better decisions.
I don't live with or love my
I don't live with or love my boss???? :?
Don't tell my wife that. She is definately THE boss and is also known as SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED!!!!
Agree! A lot!
Agree! A lot!
Daizy, I agree with you, we
Daizy, I agree with you, we are NOT bad people. Someone who is looking from the outside in can be quick to criticize, but let's face it, unless you are in YOUR specific situation you can't 100% understand. I mean, taking on SKIDS can bring on about a million different situations and awkward and frustrating moments.
When I get handed the "it's not the kids fault" line, I just get annoyed. I like to reply with well it's not MY fault that her mother decided to tell the boyfriend she was screwing that she was on birth control when she wasn't, get knocked up knowing boyfriend didn't want a kid with her and have it anyways. It's not MY fault that she decided to have a child with someone she barely even knew, but fully knowing she was bringing a baby into this world that wasn't going to have a secure family and just have a part time dad. Maybe SHE should have thought of that? The kid has a roof over her head, food in her stomach, everything provided for her...what is there to feel sorry for??
I for one do not feel guilty for the fact that me AND dh want to have a happy life together as newly weds and have our own family when we are BOTH ready. If I wanted to deal with kids on a forced schedule, I wouldn't have been on birth control all these years.
"The only ones who truly
"The only ones who truly don't have a choice are the stepkids" - not exactly true. Skids have a choice every second from age 12 (11?) to 18 (and after) who they want to live with. So they DO have a choice. If they decide to live with deadbeat wife-beating jerk BF who can't afford to feed, clothe, educate the skids - so be it - they have chosen a life of poverty and pain with little or no future - but that is what the Skids have chosen. Skids also have a choice not to be difficult, to treat people with or without respect, to accept new people into their lives, and God Forbid - actually get to know their step-parents and appreciate them making their biological parent happy. Sorry - Skids have a choice.
That is just absolutely not
That is just absolutely not true.
State laws vary tremendously in when they allow a child to "choose". And many states have changed the laws on that. I'll give just one example....In Georgia a 14 year old's decision USED TO BE controlling. Meaning, outside finding a parent unfit, a judge had no choice but to allow a child to to elect where he wanted to live at 14. That has changed. The new(er) law removes the language allowing a child to chose. A 14 year old's wishes are given heavy weight, but are no longer controlling. The judge makes the final determination. The child's wishes are one of many issues the court considers.
Many states have made similar changes to their custody laws. The thinking is that allowing a child to choose literally puts the child in the middle of a tug of war between parents.
And even in states that allow a child over a certain age to chose, a judge does NOT have to grant a custody modification. There are all kinds of ways around it. And a good attorney can prevent a change of custody in many cases.
I agree. Many states never
I agree. Many states never allow a minor child to choose which parent they want to live with or whether or not to visit an NCP.
In the jurisdicition where my SS's case was active the judge can choose to allow the child to express their wishes on who they live with and whether or not they visit an NCP but the judge retains the decisioning power. The judge also can decide that the kid does not even get to express their wishes.
Best regards,
SKids cannot choose their
SKids cannot choose their parents partners, so they cannot choose who they are obliged to live with at each bioparents house. Adults choose who to marry, and whether they can accept, tolerate and live with the baggage they come with. Generally speaking SKids get no say in their parents decision to divorce, where their parents live, the access schedule, or who their parents date, marry and bring into the home. It's not suprising that this lack of control can lead SKids to be difficult. A lot of SKids end up on the battlefield between two bioparents, used as pawns in ongoing hostility, emotionally blackmailed by one parent or the other, and spending awkward time with reluctant new step parents. What you're saying is that SKids have a choice because they can 'choose' to reject one parent if they have an abusive or unpleasant partner. What a pitiful choice for a child.
You know what, I didn't
You know what, I didn't choose my SD and I didn't choose my MIL either. But I do try to have the best possible relationship I can with both of them. Some days I do better with this than others.
I thankfully chose not to
I thankfully chose not to marry my BF and his kids.
In the future if I'm asked out by a man my first question will be, Do you have children? I have learned from that mistake.
When I first got married I
When I first got married I used to cry at night because I did not feel love for my SS - I tried but there was nothing. I had never had a child so I did not understand that bond you get with your own bio kid - now that I have DD I get it. I called my sister crying saying I just don't love him or even want to bond with him and she said - why would you - he is not yours, his mother is still involved - don't beat yourself up - you may eventually like him but your job is to be there for him and help guide him through his life and let him feel that he is at least wanted in your family. This was such a relief because SS was with us full time for the first 3 years of our marriage - BM had him 4 weeks of the year. I was so glad when she took him back to live with her full time life has been much easier since he moved back.