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What's appropriate?

MJL2010's picture

Submitted by MJL2010 on Tue, 08/06/2013 - 7:13am

I would love if some of you would share what has worked for you when it came to speaking to your kids about your ex meeting someone and having that person come live with them for an extended period of time.

BM has picked up with a man she dated long ago, who treated her quite badly before, spent some time living on the street....this man is coming to stay with them at her house for a couple months. DH told them that while he's sure that the guy is probably very nice, they should talk to BM or him immediately if they have questions about any part of the situation or if her bf does anything they "don't feel right about" (they are nine. He didn't go into any detail about what these "things" may be- discipline-related, etc....he was just telling them to keep lines of communication open as their situation changes).

I think it's a parent's responsibility to encourage such communication. The whole "stranger danger" thing is something all kids are familiar with, and when a stranger comes to live with kids, it becomes even more important that they be able to identify and voice any concerns.

Your thoughts?

Comments

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 08/06/2013 - 7:38am

UGH...I may get slammed for this but I really don't think anyone should live together before marriage...especially in a blended situation with small kids.

I sometimes just want to shake people and scream..."raise your kid and THEN think about getting laid!"

EDIT TO ADD...most abuse is done by people that are not strangers.

MJL2010's picture

Submitted by MJL2010 on Tue, 08/06/2013 - 7:48am

Thanks Willow. I do find it a bit strange that she has put us through all the alienation and intrusive crap over the years, but she just does what she wants now and DH and the twins be damned! Of course my ex thought that every step I took in the early post-divorce days was his business, but when he met his gf he just did what he wanted as well....of course he didn't move her in to coincide with the kids' first inrtroduction!

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Tue, 08/06/2013 - 8:26am

But marriage throws a wrench in my escape plan. Wink I gotta be able to leave and quickly.

I used to think the same way, no moving in before marriage. And here I am a domestic partner. Never thought I'd be here. SO's son is 16 and I agree that it might not be good for little ones.

I'll probably get flamed for this, but the more I read about women on this site who marry, buy a house together, commingle funds, etc, and then talk about how difficult it is to leave, the more firm I become in my belief I should not rush into marriage. But I certainly understand someone who believes in marriage before moving in. I can respect that.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 08/06/2013 - 8:03am

In some cases, the partners may find that they actually cannot be successful in blending.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This is the exact reason I think no marriage with small skids. The kids already went through one divorce/split up. Why make them part of an experiment to see if another one works or not?

I may not be expressing this right...