Do They Ever Grow On You?
I have been married for four years. My older teenaged stepkids are both kind of self-centered, materialistic, crude, and generally disrespectful young people. Mind you, they weren't great when they were younger either, but with age and the "freedom" of young adulthood, they are honestly getting a bit worse. If I'm being honest, I just don't like them very much. They mostly just ignore me, but they treat their bio-mom very disrepectfully, often in front of me. And witnessing that disrespect also deeply affects the way I feel about them.
My feelings range from complete ambivalence toward them, to outright disliking them as people. Sadly, I do not feel much in the way of positive or paternal feelings toward them. This causes some very stressful and complex emotions within me. I have no kids of my own- it kind of bums me out that this may be the closest thing I will have to a nuclear family.
Some of you in longer marriages maybe can help me here- do the stepkids ever come back and reconnect into a more satisfying relationship later in life, or will this sense of ambivalence I feel continue and/or only get worse as the years go by?
I take some fault in this- being the "outsider" I did not get involved with disciplining them when they did things I felt were offensive. However, as some of you may understand, it can be awkward to have to deal with somebody else's teens when you are the new variable in the situation. I have a feeling if I tried to play the heavy, it only would have exacerbated the situation.
Any input is appreciated,
Feeling Stepped On
i have 8 yrs with dh and
i have 8 yrs with dh and skids..... and from my experience, skids do grow on you, like an itchy nasty red rash! but that's just my experience, there are some sm's on ST that have beautiful stories to share..
I'll second that. Teenagers
I'll second that. Teenagers are just horrid sometimes.
My oldest started getting easier at about 18. About the time he went away to college. But by far the worst years were 13-16. My high school senior is usually tolerable. But my teenage daughters....I just try to take them one day at a time. I'm pretty sure I understand why tigers sometimes eat their young.
Do they grow on you? I'll say the same thing I always say....You can make a decision to love your stepkids. Love is an action. If you don't feel it, then fake it. Act in love towards them. I'll bet you'll find that you don't have to fake it for very long.
It's really hard to like teenagers all the time.
td &.. i agree, it seems
td &.. i agree, it seems like every time i inch towards being/trying to be a better sm, dh steps in and f's it up..... i don't get it? i know he doesn't do it on purpose..... i guess he thinks when i'm making good gestures he wants to run with it and i'm in baby step mode... so i feel again like skids are being shoved down my throat..
I can give you a
I can give you a step-daughter's happy ending but I can't promise you your own. I met my step-dad when I was 11 and all I saw was a guy who took my mom away. I lived in Ga with my father and mom lived in Ct (moved there with my step-dad). Ended up living with mom and step-dad later on. Complicated story but the point is I did not like him almost right away. I was one of the kids all these poor steps get stuck with and have to find support here to tolerate }:)
Anyway, after years of me being much like what your skids sound like, I did gradually get better. By this time there wasn't much of a relationship between my step-dad and I but we were respectful of each other. Fast forward 13 years to now...as far as I'm concerned he's my dad. He and my mom have been divorced for several years now and I probably see him more than I do my mom. I introduce him as my dad and he does the same.
We are still a bit awkward around each other but that is our general personalities anyway. I think the world of him, he never gave up and wrote me off and has always been there when I needed him. Looking back, I don't blame him for avoiding me like the plague when I was an obnoxious teen and it probably did more for our relationship in the longrun that he stayed disengaged. In the end there was less baggage because we didn't butt heads much.
I don't know if yours skids BF is in the picture but I think mine not being in it was also another factor to us having a better relationship in the end. My advice is disengage now but be open to being there for them if they need it later on.