Considering I don't feel any sense of focus or direction presently, I guess today's title is an exercise in positive thinking?

Doors stayed shut last night until bf went to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I got up to go and slammed it on my way back in. He didn't seem to notice, but securely closed the door for 'get son off to school' routine this morning.

I was very observant of bf and my pillow talk last night and frankly wondered how I've stuck around for so long given his crude, awkward and often inappropriate ways of communicating? It isn't my style, for sure. At some point he asked me a relatively simple, but weird question (don't even remember what it was) and I took a lengthy pause to think of an answer. He immediately started berating himself. I remarked that "gee, I didn't know it was so easy to make your self esteem fly right out the window!" He dryly responded, "I have no self esteem." I told him that was self defeating. If I didn't believe in myself, how could I expect anyone else to believe in me? He said, "I believe in you." I almost choked on that one, 'cause a) if you don't believe in yourself, you can't believe in anyone else and b) most anything I do (especially if I'm proud of my new accomplishment), he berates or applies petty criticisms. Of course, he's "only joking" or I'm "too sensitive" should I protest. Little does he realize, my ability to recognize my own positive skills, talents, work and accomplishments has probably been the glue that has held us together over the course of his consistent refusal to acknowledge any good in anything or anybody.

I'm not perfect as I'm sure everyone reading my blog has seen. Sometimes I do have criticisms. Sometimes I'm so angry that I'm ugly and berate bf and his son to people in places where it's safe to vent. But, in face to face interactions, I do my best to keep the criticizing and berating to a minimum. If somebody works hard and accomplishes something meaningful to them, it's a simple "Good job!" or "Well done!" I seldom or never get that same courtesy in return. Hell, bf won't even accept my compliments. Rather than simply say "thank you", he always jumps into minimizing, berating and/or criticizing his own good work and accomplishments.

Foxie's recommendation yesterday has weighed heavily upon me. She's right, yet I am not ready to toss bf and ss aside. Is that my pity for them and their hopeless ways of being, or is that because I'm a hopeless optimist and do see a spark of positive potential in both of them if it could be acknowledged, brought out and built upon? I'm not a complete fool. It's not my job and I don't have any ability to make them put their many good talents and skills to use. Needling them to recognize and use them? Not above that in the least. I guess the cut off place would be subsequent demands, games or active sabotage of my getting back on track and regaining my focus and direction. The focus and direction that I don't even have right now. And (rhetorical question) why is that?