Stepping away from the role of Stepmother
I didn't want it to be this way. But I give up, I honestly give up.
I've been in a realtionship for two years with a man who has some serious babymama drama issues. I'm still learing how trifing this woman is and has been...to the point of just bankrupting this man because she can...and what's worse, they're not together because SHE CHEATED ON HIM! She has a child from some dude. When my stepdaughters are 18, she'd better not come back hollering this kid is his...apparently under "military law", because that child was born during their marriage, he may have to pay child support.
There has been so much drama, that I'm not sure I want to stay with him. He won't do anything to make our situation easier.
The thing that hurts the most is that I just found out that one of my stepdaughters has been secretly hating me for two years, despite my every effort to make her and her sister feel at home here. We've often spent our last dime trying to make them happy, and because that's what my significant other has been doing, that's what at least one of them expects.
I gave her one of the rings her father gave me, she LIED and said that she had it when she left (on father's day...because daddy didn't have any money to spend on her). She got in trouble yesterday for sassing adults (this little girl really thinks she's a queen to be worshipped... I am SO disgusted), and hung up on her father when he started talking to her. She and I (and her sister) used to communicate, I used to talk to her online and text. I asked her via text to return the ring I gave her, because I will not tolerate any disrespect of her father. She replied, "don't be stupid, it's somewhere in that house". I'm sorry, but I am not of the mindset that "she's just a teenager". I know many people who were not raised to act like her, she thinks she can get in the face of whoever she wants, and she's banned from my house because if she does that to me, I'm going to jail. Her mother feels that my asking her who she thought she was and subsequently cussing her trifilng but out for shouting at me on her cell phone in walmart to the point that she had to be DRAGGED OUT is disrespectful.
My household has dang near starved to get these spoiled little girls to the salon each week. I'm tired of not having enough. I have health problems, but have to work because the cost of living up here is three times what it is down there, and half my significant other's check goes to child support and tax breaks for babymama.
I'm about done. I told my signficant other that that girl is not allowed over my threshold until she has an attitude adjustment. He agreed, but I think it's just to pacify me, and he will come to resent me later. I mean, I can just go. I won't keep his son from him, but the combination of almost dying to have my child, my health problems, his babymama who wants me to hide every time she feels she needs to ask him for more money, his kids who apparently hate me, the poverty...I can't take it anymore.
From the first time that I knew those girls existed, my heart went out to them. I know what it feels like to be an unwanted stepchild, and I didn't want that for them. I feel that I've extended far beyond what I should. In this hierarchy, I always come last. Even babymama comes before me. Now I find out that this chick has been hating me for two years, because she thinks I'm taking her daddy away? GROW UP! You're so adult that you can get in people's faces, but you can't understand that if your mama is dating and has a child by someone else who is older than my child...then perhaps this was MAMA'S doing.
People are talking to me about displaced anger. I'm about to displace myself. I don't need this mess. Those girls are never supposed to know what their mom did to end the relationship, but I'm supposed to just allow myself and my child to be hated? No, I'll leave first.
Ive a very similiar situation
Ive a very similiar situation full of drama..but Ive been in it for many more years. Its ok to step back from the role of stepmother. Its not that glamerous anyway. Moving away from the drama can be done....by setting boundaries...like you've done. I believe that you will come to find many more happy people, places & things to focus on than just skids & BM & the strife it brings your man. Many times the skids know the source of the divorce but they get their cookies in life from BM so that is where their alligience goes. Its ok. Ive come to find that over the many years its the same drama just a different day. Ive decided I dont want to be a part of any of that drama. So the focus goes back on my life & taking care of myself & enjoying my life. I hope you dont have to leave your home. Its nice to stand your ground, unless its abusive.
Hey there, You know, people
Hey there,
You know, people told me not to get too emotionally involved in the beginning. People also told me to leave my SO the hell alone, guess I didn't listen on either count.
I'm just so hurt by this. I know she's a kid, and she's probably mental and scarred, but I had it a hell of a lot worse, my mom abused me when my dad left, my dad disappeared, I had to learn to put up with and even love the fruit of my dad's adultery at the age of nine, and when he and my stepmom both died, everyone turned to me like I had something to do with it, and coddled my brother so much that at the age of 20, he won't do anything to support himself. He learned from my dad that women are just there to take care of you so you can not work and play all day. Sickening.
SO is hurting, but he's been hurting since day one. In the two and a half years we've been together, we've seen those children 4 TIMES. I honestly wish they'd disappear. I wish I could forget about them. I wish I'd left their father alone.
I wonder if you tried a
I wonder if you tried a little too hard to make these girls comfortable in your relationship with their father.
They hardly see their dad and have poison fed to them by their mother. Dad gets into a relationship with another woman and suddenly he isn't just their dad, they have to share him with a little half brother. Add into that the poison and of course they hate you. Why wouldn't they?
And girls being girls (remember, they are teens and princess teens at that)act in the most sneaky way they can. Boys would make it VERY clear you aren't welcome. Girls will be sneaky and manipulative.
You can't MAKE someone love you or your son. You two are the very thing that took their Daddy away (poison feed). 2 years ago BM had him right where she wanted him. Now you are in the mix and she can displace on her own all her anger and hatred.
If your SO doesn't grow a backbone and tell her to back off he never will. In which case you live 2 lives. ONe where his kids don't exist and another where your SO will spend time away from your home with his kids and you never here a word about them.
At least your son is young enough not to miss them.
Hey oneoffour, Yeah, I think
Hey oneoffour,
Yeah, I think I tried too hard. Well, one of the girls appreciates it, but she's always been kind and well-mannered from the beginning. Apparently she still wants to spend time with us. I'm glad she feels comfortable enough to voice her preference in this situation.
Poison is indeed being fed by the mother, I have no voice in this situation when it comes to the girls, and she's telling her family all sorts of stuff...but in light of this weekend, I think they're starting to see how full of it she and her bratty daughter are. And yes, brat is very manipulative. She still refuses to face the lies she told this weekend, or the way she tries to shout down adults. The more I think about this situation, the more I suspect that she has anger issues, as well as self-esteem issues. She spends a lot of time on her appearance, and loves to criticize others. She's constantly calling her sister fat, who is just as slim as she is. Both are beautiful, but I guess if you're not loud-mouthed like brat, there's a problem.
SO is standing by me. Chick is not allowed in this house. SO's parents are no longer sending brat money for Christmas or birthday. The other twin will get what she deserves, and babymama may fuss, but brat needs a complete change of heart before she can be part of this family again. I honestly think that worse-case scenario, chick is in therapy with misplaced rage in a few years, because she's had no opportunity to learn the truth about what's really going on, and she'll think that the reason why she's so mental is because her dad "kicked her out due to the evil stepmom".
The mother thinks that I should just basically disappear or sit off on the sidelines when it comes to the girls. She even demanded that SO come down to her place to spend time with the kids. WTH? And yes, she's mad that I changed her status quo, I'm blocking all the money. Her girls need BabyPhat, fake nails and weekly salon visits, and now she has to pay for them.
Anyways, I'm getting over it. I'm no longer keeping house with them in mind. They're guests. Unfortuately, if a relationship is to be had, it'll be when they're adults. I'm blown that a 15-year-old thinks that I'm supposed to respect her. Love yes, but respect is earned, and you don't get it by shouting at me and belittling me.
Hello and wow you sound so
:sick: Hello and wow you sound so much like so many of us....but you know I tried disengaging and it works wonders....even you may feel a little like an outsider in your own place it helps you by making you feel a little more in control....My step son is visiting again this summer and staying with us this weekend....last weekend afer he eat, he dumped his dish in the sink half full of half eaten meal....but you know when I told him to do the dishes his father my dear SO step up and yelled from the other side of then kitchen....he doesn't do dishes he is visiting....and I told OK then Deary you do the dishes....and I sat in a chair next to him while he was boiling hot for having to do the dishes himself....but I decided I was going to stick to disengage....it is the best way to go....if you don't want to end up divorced or worst....
Hi Everyone! This is my first
Hi Everyone! This is my first post on this site! I believe the answer to being sane and a step-parent is to disengage! I tried super hard to be a great stepmom but was always left feeling hurt and betrayed. I felt like I was a failure for not loving my skids. This site has made me realize I am completely normal! As soon as I backed off I felt better about myself and more in control of my emotions. I wish it didn't have to be that way but it was the only solution for me. Now every time we see them I say to myself "just treat them like the kids down the street...polite but keep an emotional distant." When they aren't visiting, I pretend they don't exist. This all sounds so harsh but I don't feel guilty anymore. It's for my survival and the survival of my marriage...
disengaged works wonderfully
Wow I never realized I begain to disengage yes when the ss is around and doing his whiney bratty annoying behavior I smile and walk away ussually to my room shut the door. I let his dad deal with it. I still do normal mom things like remind him to brush his teeth but if he doesn't guess what not my kid not my problem I stopped worrying about him I take care of his needs but I dont Care anymore emotionally im detached and when ever I can I run away take my kids n leave him with dad for their own Bonding time. I told dad Your his parents he needs you. I am and will kot ever be his mom I am not here to raise or discipline or fix your mistakes you do the parenting I wanna just be the Extra help that steps in every now and then when I can tolerate it. since we as Stepparwnts know these kids NEED every loving adult they can get but if that Love isn't appreciated then it can be removed since it's not their primary source anyway or shouldn't be anyway so yes disengage is key<3
Your are taking steps in the
Your are taking steps in the right direction. Definitely seperate finances. You control what your money gets spent on. Disengage from BM and SD. If you choose to have a relationship with other SD or do things for her that's okay. BM and SD will hate you no matter what you do so who cares.
I do the same here. I have a relationship with YSD, but do not acknowledge OSD or BMs existence. I have never had to ban OSD from my home she voluntarily refuses to come here because I won't take her places or buy her things so she has no use for me. Which again is fine by me, because I have no use for her either. I also never respond to BM and SO knows I don't even want to hear it. I have no desire to be a part of her crazy need for attention and drama.