New here
Hello, My name is Melanie. I am a stepmother to a 7 yr old boy and bio mom to two little boys ages 4 and 2. My stepson lives with us every other week (50%). I met him when he was 3 yrs old and moved in with his dad shortly after. Everything was great until I had kids of my own. Now I feel less and less attachment to him and feel jealous of his love for my husband and vice versa. I feel like I could never love him as much as my biological children. When my stepson is at our house he fights with his 4 yr old brother the whole time. My stress level always goes through the roof on those weeks. I do love him, but I just don't feel it. I usually feel annoyed when he is at our house and can't wait for him to just go back. HELP! I feel like I am crazy! I want to love my SS as much as my other boys.
First of all
First of all welcome!
Secondly you will never love your SS as you do your own biochildren. You are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. You need to know it's ok that you don't love him the same, you love him in your own "step" way. If you put too much pressure on yourself to make yourself love someone it won't happen. You can be causing a lot of your own annoyance by trying to feel something you don't. You have to let yourself love your children for who they are...your children. and accept and love your SS for who he is..your Stepson.
Since the 7 year is only 3
Since the 7 year is only 3 years older then the 4 year old, there is going to be contention and jealousy. I have a bio-sister who I didn't get along with when we were kids, and we were only a year apart.
I have seen this contention and jealousy more with the two kids - bio and step who are closer in age. The 2 year old felt much like he wasn't being babied at our home anymore. Although he was still being babied with his mom. At our hom he was expected to not throw things at the baby, or to pinch her because he was mad or angry.
Now the olderson who is about 5 years older and had to deal with having a new baby in the house, took to having a new sibling very quickly. He has been very helpful and really adores her. He understands that she is a baby and that she is fragile. I think that littleson sees her more as on his level, as he was the baby, and is having a harder time with it.
Now I have seen contention between olderson and littleson (steps) when they were younger, more because olderson didn't realize that littleson couldn't play like he did.
So IMHO - these two kids may not just get along like any bio-kids from a traditional family do. All you can do is probably try to keep them apart as much as possible, or try to see what issues they are having.
Thanks for your quick
Thanks for your quick reponses. I agree that I feel guilty for not loving my SS the same as my bio kids, but you are right that I need to be okay with loving the children differently. It's such a tricky role!
My SS7 is the oldest child in both our home, and in his mother's home. His mom has 2 little girls who are 2 (2 days younger than MY 2 yr old) and 2 months old. Many times he says he likes our home better because he has two brother's here to play with. And at times they do get along well, but it is hard for my 4 yr old to adjust from being the "biggest" to the "middle" child every other week. My 4 and 2 yr old are 21 months apart and get along very well- always playing with eachother and following each other around, so maybe SS7 feels jealous that he doesn't have a built in playmate to go with him from house to house?
I could understand that the 7
I could understand that the 7 year old would be a little jealous.He has 2 stepbrothers that are together all the time and he's trying to find his spot.I don't think I could ever love step children like my own,I'm sure there are women out there who can and do,but myself I just don't see me being that way.Since you said you are a little jealous,I don't know if this would be possible,but maybe since he is older,and looking for his "spot" he could do something that only the BIG BOY is old enough to do.You know like,getting something from the fridge,or feeding the dog,something that you wouldn't let the younger boys do.Just a suggestion